Loss to Love
by mtk1970
Summary: Sometimes love just can't be denied - no matter how untimely it hits us. Sparks fly between Edward and Bella the very first time they meet; problem is that Bella is already committed to another.
1. Chapter 1

Chapter One - Friendships

BPOV

Watching my fiancé as he moved forward to collect his certificate of graduation was a moment of pride for me. I sat in the audience with his family and my own sisters, clapping maniacally as the Dean shook his hand and he turned to beam at us all. Today was the culmination of all his hard work and his determination to make a good life for himself; for us. Two days previously, our roles had been reversed and he had sat here watching me as I graduated from my English literature course. Both of us had succeeded in our chosen courses and now we were moving onto the next phase of our lives; a career and of course marriage. One month from today Peter and I were going to become husband and wife and the thought of it sent a surge of contentment through me, combined with nervousness. I couldn't imagine sharing my life with anyone else but the man who had been my best friend since my freshman year of high school. We had lived through each other's awkward teenage years. We had endured each other's attempts to date someone outside our own personal little circle of friends and we had ultimately given in and decided that all we needed was one another; no one knew us the way we knew each other. We decided we were meant to be.

The ceremony ended and Peter was soon by my side with a casual arm around my shoulder as he was being congratulated by his mother and father for his achievements. The grin did not leave his face as my sisters, Alice and Rosalie, added their congratulations to the mix; hugging him tightly and giving him a brief peck on his cheek to show their own pride.

"So we're both official graduates now Peter." I smiled up at him gently and he returned with his own chuckle of relief.

"Thank goodness. I didn't think we were ever going to get to this day Bella. It feels like we've been in some form of schooling for forever."

"Too right… and this means it is time to celebrate," Rosalie's boyfriend, Emmett piped up from the sidelines and we all turned to look at his excited face. "What? You have to agree that this has been a long time in the coming. The last two of our little group are finally finished and we can introduce them to a world of adulthood where exams and study aren't foremost in their heads."

I was about to give a quick retort back when a new voice joined our conversation and Peter reeled around in surprise.

"I totally agree. Graduating without the celebrating is not the done thing. As long as I am invited, of course."

"You have to be kidding me. Jasper Cullen, what are you doing here?" Peter stepped forward to clasp the tall man I now recognized as his closest male friend from childhood. "I wasn't expecting you for a couple more weeks."

"Yeah well I thought that your best man should make an effort to come on out here and spend some time with you before the wedding and when better to arrive than at your graduation. Congratulations man…on graduating. I know you've worked hard to get here."

I took a closer look at my fiancé's best friend while they continued to discuss his surprise visit. He was tall; about 6'3'' and had honey blonde hair that hung over his forehead. I had seen photos of him of course, but we had never met in the flesh and his pictures had not done him justice. He was quite an attractive man to look at and when I noticed Alice doing her own checking out I knew she was in complete agreement with my appraisal. I smiled at the possibilities. Alice deserved someone nice to get close to and I knew from Peter's constant praise of his old mate that Jasper Cullen was one of the good guys.

"Bella, I want you to finally meet my good friend Jasper. Jasper this is Bella, my fiancé."

Jasper took my hand and grazed his lips softly over the back of it, smirking at me with a cheeky glint to his eye. The action made me feel instantly at ease with him.

"More than happy to finally meet you, Bella Swan. This guy here speaks of nothing but you when we get to talk and when we get together for our boys weekends away, it is no different. I can see that you are everything he has described. Talking to you on the phone is just not the same."

"Thanks Jasper. I have heard a whole lot about you too. Thanks for coming all this way."

"Wouldn't give up the opportunity to spend time with my closest friend and get to know his beautiful fiancé at the same time. The military has given me some extra leave so here I am."

Peter proceeded to introduce Jasper to Alice and Rosalie and I could tell that he was extremely happy to have his friend here with us on this special day. Emmett clapped Jasper on the back and enquired after his family. Emmett knew Jasper's family through his friendship with Jasper's older brother Edward, back before the Cullens had left New York to have a sea change across the country. Jasper and Peter had gone to school together and Emmett and Edward had been two years ahead of them. The Cullens had left before my own family moved to New York so I had never encountered them except through second hand stories and the knowledge that Peter had retained a solid long distance friendship with Jasper throughout the years that I had known him. I was looking forward to learning more.

Mr and Mrs Wood excused themselves so that we 'young ones' could go off and enjoy our celebrations without them. Peter, Jasper and Emmett were reconnecting since it had been about eight months since their last little get together over in Seattle, so I took the opportunity to give my sister a little bit of teasing.

"Like what you see Ali?"

"What's not to like Bella? You never told me that Peter had a hot best friend that has remained a mystery to all us girls for the last eight years. Why the hell hasn't Peter had him come to New York for some of these boys weekends away? I have to say your fiancé has been very selfish in not introducing his favourite sister in law to be to his male bestie; very selfish indeed."

I laughed at Alice's tirade and flicked my eyes back to the boys. I guess it was somewhat odd that the person Peter was closest too, besides me, was an enigma to us after all these years but I blamed it on Jasper's chosen career and Peter's desire to make things easier for Jasper when they did get their infrequent moments to meet up.

"Jasper is a marine, Alice. He is overseas a lot and I think when he comes home Peter makes the effort to go and see him, rather than the other way round, so that Jasper can still be close to his family. Seems reasonable to me." I shrugged my shoulders at her and she grimaced.

"Yeh, reasonable, but completely unsatisfying for little ole moi. That boy is heaven on a stick and I want to get to know him. It should have happened a long time ago."

"Well now is your opportunity, little sis," Rosalie sighed before raising her voice a little so that the boys could hear what she was saying. "because I do believe we are all up for a big night tonight if the boys expressions are anything to go by,"

The boys turned enthusiastically back to us with beaming faces. "You guessed right, beautiful. Jasper, Peter and I think that Peter Macmanus is the go for a night of good company, food and drinks. Are you all up for it?"

The bar Emmett had just suggested was a regular place for us to meet and I couldn't think of any reason why it wouldn't suit us for tonight. "Sure. Let's go and celebrate my fiancés new status as an architect. He deserves a few drinks, for sure, for getting through that grind."

"Says the young lady who graduated ahead of time, with honours, in her literature course, by taking on way too many subjects all in one sitting. You are the brains in this relationship my sweet Bella. You're not kidding anyone,"

I blushed as Peter grabbed me to his side and planted a chaste kiss on the top of my head. He loved the fact that even though I was a year behind him at high school, I had used my determination to work hard to finish my course ahead of time, so that the two of us were now graduating concurrently, rather than a year apart as it should have been. He had been at university for five years and I had been there for four. We had well and truly earned tonight's promise of fun and relaxation.

"Ok, ok. We all know that my sister is a genius but that isn't going to help us get ready for tonight's festivities. How 'bout we girls meet you boys at say ….seven at Peter Macmanus. That should give us enough time to make ourselves beautiful and be ready for a great night out." Alice took control of the organization as she always did and we all fell in with her plans. It was no use for me to try to go against her; she always won, which was probably just as well because otherwise I would be happy to live in jeans and t-shirts. I wasn't the girly type as Alice an Rosalie were, but having them as sisters definitely pushed me out of my comfort zone on a daily basis.

"Are you sure this is alright Bells? I know we thought we would go out, just the two of us, to celebrate but I kind of feel like Jasper has come all this way and I shouldn't ditch him on his first night here." Peter had taken me aside to have a quick word and I grinned up at his concerned expression.

"Don't be silly Peter. Of course we should be spending time with your best friend. I am actually rather looking forward to it. From everything you've told me it should be an interesting night. We have forever to be doing things on our own."

"You're the best, Bella. You know that right?" Peter leant down to graze his lips softly across mine and I enjoyed the warm, safe feeling it always gave me. "How did I ever get lucky enough to be able to spend the rest of my life with my best friend?"

"You're marrying Jasper?" I asked, tongue in cheek and then laughed at the shocked expression on his face.

"Get out of here Peter. I will see you at Macmanus'. Enjoy your afternoon with the boys."

The bar was bustling when we walked in, searching for the boys. They weren't hard to spot at all, being so tall and Emmett being particularly hulking. He waved at us from their spot down the back and I followed Rosalie as she led the way back to where they had saved spots for us.

" You all look lovely ladies," Emmett complimented as we sat down, ready for our first drinks.

" Sure do," Jasper agreed, but his eyes were mostly appraising Alice who was trying to not show her own interest so blatantly. "So what would you girls like to drink?"

I gave Peter a kiss of greeting before answering Jasper's question. Once he was armed with everyone's choices for drinks he disappeared over to the bar while the rest of us perused the food menu.

Light hearted conversation followed as Jasper returned with our drinks and our orders of food were placed. I was completely relaxed and it made me really happy to note that Jasper fit in perfectly with our little group of friends. Angela and Ben were missing because they had other arrangements for the night but I was pretty sure he would get on with them too. I should have known that a man who could retain his long distance relationship with my fiancé for so many years must be pretty special.

"So Jasper, Bella tells me that you are a marine. Where have you been based?" Alice leaned towards Jasper where he sat right next to her and even though he smiled at her it didn't quite reach his eyes. I found this odd considering he had been flirting non stop with my sister up until this point and I had seen no evidence of any kind of wariness.

A slight tightening of his eyes, as he answered, made me realise it was his job that made him react slightly negatively, not my sister. "I have just returned from Afghanistan actually. My home base is Camp Pendleton, California which suits me because it's reasonably close to my family." He looked down into his plate of food and fiddled with his fork with nervousness. Alice looked at me questioningly and I shrugged my shoulders. She diverted her gaze to Peter and he shook his head ever so slightly. Alice took it as a cue to change the subject.

"So you are close with your family then Jasper?"

Jasper's whole demeanor changed and it was with relief that I saw it was in a positive way. "I guess you could say that," He stated brightly. "My mum and dad are really cool; the greatest parents ever. I have a younger sister Camille who will be seventeen in a few months time and an older brother, Edward who is good friends with this great lump over here." Jasper pointed at Emmett who sat grinning. "Mum, dad and Camille live in a small town called Forks and Edward lives everywhere; his current location is Paris. He moves around a lot for work."

"Ahhh so that is why Emmett's so called best friend is so elusive," Rosalie ascertained "I was beginning to think that he didn't even exist and that Emmett was just using him as an excuse to traipse across the continent to get away from me."

Emmett guffawed. "And the photos around our apartment are?"

"I don't know…maybe just some good looking model that you got pictures off the net of, and put up to make me think Edward existed."

"Quite an intricate way of getting away from the girlfriend for a few weekends each year I would say," Jasper laughed.

"Well desperation makes us do funny things," Rosalie said with a deadpan face before bursting into her own laughter. "I am looking forward to meeting Edward though. I've heard he was quite the ladies man back in high school."

"Ah babe I think you have him mixed up with me actually," Emmett interrupted, flexing his muscles a little to make a point.

"Um…babe….I think you are forgetting that I was there for your senior year of high school and I know exactly how much of a ladies man you were."

"Hey that's only because I had seen the error of my ways and was holding out for the hottest girl around – you,"

"Lies, Emmett McCarty. You were mooning around after that stupid try hard Jenny Waterhouse and it wasn't until we were at University that you saw what I had to offer you – class and intelligence; not to mention my amazing ability to fix your car for you. It took you long enough I have to say."

"He just never thought he would have a shot with the beautiful Rosalie Swan," Peter laughed at the interaction between his two friends. "It took us ages to persuade him that he might actually have a chance if he tried hard enough."

Jasper nodded. "Even I know that from Edward. He used to say that Emmett was all hung up on some girl and couldn't understand why he didn't just go for it. Happy to see that it all worked out in the end."

Everyone chuckled at the comical look of horror on Emmett's face as he denied having chats about his crush to his male friends all those years ago. Obviously he didn't think that was very manly but I thought it was kind of cute that they all had that kind of relationship.

"Yea well it's been working for five years now so we must be doing something right," Rosalie tried to ignore Emmett's denials and threw a straw at him instead. "Isn't that right babe?"

Emmett nodded as he took a deep swill of his beer and then leant forward to give her a quick peck on her cheek. Emmett and Rosalie were the kind of couple everyone expected to last. They just got one another and it wouldn't surprise me if they followed Peter and I down the aisle sooner than later.

Jasper turned to me and grinned his cheeky grin that I was beginning to see was his normal way. "So Bella. How did my boy here do with the whole asking you to marry him scenario? I feel like I've missed out on all the important parts of his life so spill…."

Peter was shaking his head good naturedly at his friend and I could feel the blush rise into my face.

"He did well." I stated softly.

"Uh ah. No way Bella. That is not good enough. You need to tell me exactly what went down. I'm his best man. That is the kind of stuff I need to know."

I looked at Peter for some assistance and he sighed dramatically. "You might as well just tell him Bells. It's more than a little difficult to stop Jasper getting anything he wants."

Alice raised her eyebrow at that little bit of information and it was duly noted by Jasper who smirked and spoke to her in a teasing tone. "Not yet anyway." Alice grinned back at him but kept her mouth closed which was quite a trip away from the norm for her and a move I knew was very deliberate. I would think about that later.

Everyone relaxed back into their seats as I began to relate our story to Jasper. As I spoke the memories came surging up into my mind and I smiled contently. Peter really was one in a million.

"_You know I don't like surprises," I whined as Peter put the blindfold on me. "Can't you just tell me what it is and I can pretend to be surprised once I am there?"_

_Peter chuckled at my wariness as he guided me into the front seat of his car. He was more than aware that I did not like being in the limelight or for him to do anything too fancy or expensive for me. "Come on Bells. It's your birthday and I am your boyfriend. I am meant to spoil you. It's my job."_

"_I suppose so but I don't understand why I need the blindfold. Are you taking me somewhere special for lunch? Am I dressed alright for whatever you have planned? Oh god Peter you know I hate the not knowing."_

"_It's going to be fine Bella. Trust me. Today is a special day and I want you to relax and enjoy it."_

_I decided to give in to whatever it was he was doing and follow his instructions to relax. Before long we were slowing down and stopping. I could hear Peter turn the engine off and get out of his door. Within a minute he was at my side having opened the door and helping me get clumsily out. We moved a few steps forward and then I felt Peter's breath tickling my ear as he spoke softly._

"_Ok Bells. Happy birthday," and he gently moved the blindfold from my eyes and I stared at the picture before me._

"_What…what's this?" I stammered allowing my confusion to come forth. In front of me stood a beautiful house that was picture perfect, down to the picket fencing._

"_Do you like it?" Peter asked nervously and I quickly searched his face for answers. I did not know what we were doing here._

"_Well yes of course. It is absolutely beautiful but what are we doing here?"_

"_It's yours….well actually it is ours if you will take me but I bought it with you in mind. I know that this is the kind of house you've always wanted and I was kind of hoping that…"_

"_Peter, you can't buy me a house," My voice reflected all the horror I was currently feeling. "That is not something you do for your girlfriend; no matter how rich you are. I can't accept this as a birthday present. It's yours."_

_I felt mildly guilty when I looked at Peter's face and saw the disappointment there. Surely he knew me well enough to know that I could never accept such an extravagant gift. There was a huge gap between how much money my family had and how much his had and as a result I had always been very careful to ensure he didn't go overboard with his generosity. It appeared that he was not sticking to the game plan on this one._

"_Bella…please…just come inside and take a look. I promise it will be everything you have ever dreamed of. You know I can afford this and you know that I would never do this lightly. Please come in."_

_I couldn't say no to his heartfelt plea knowing he was right; Peter had never used his family's money for his own purposes, always content to live off what he earned with his part time job. It was one of the things I loved about him. Now I was following him into the house and very distractedly looking around me. Every room was completely empty but I could see the potential in every space. Peter truly did know what I would like when it came to a home and I found myself getting excited against my own better judgment. When we arrived towards the back of the house and I saw what Peter had organized for me I couldn't stop myself from throwing my arms around him and kissing him soundly._

"_Now this is the perfect way to enjoy a birthday meal" I told him, moving towards the picnic rug that had been laid out beside an unlit fireplace, completely covered with all my favourite foods. I sat down without thinking and Peter followed my lead._

"_I thought you would like this bit." He reached back to pull a bottle of champagne out of a box and poured two glasses for us to drink. I sipped at the drink, allowing the bubbles to tickle my nose as I looked around at my environment. The room we were currently sitting in was large with high ceilings and a great view through some glass doors of a lake down the back of the yard. I must have had some admiration reflected on my face because Peter took the opportunity to do some sweet talking._

"_See. I haven't put any furniture in here at all because I figured you would like it better if we brought everything with our own money; the money we earn from our jobs after graduation, not my family money. Bella. I know this is a huge deal for you but I don't want it to be. I want you to know that what is mine is yours. I love you and I want to make you happy….. always."_

"_You do make me happy Peter. I don't need you to buy me a house to do that but…..it really is a beautiful house and I can only imagine how much fun it would be to furniture it the way we want to," Peter's face shone with excitement when I said it and I couldn't help but tease him a little. "Is this your round about way of asking me to move in with you Mr Wood?"_

"_No…Actually, this is my round about way of asking you to marry me Bella," I gasped as he nervously reached into his pocket and brought out a small black box which he quickly opened to reveal a petite solitaire ring. "I love you and can't imagine ever wanting to be with anyone else but you. I am hoping you feel the same way and that you will agree to make me the happiest man alive by saying that you will marry me."_

_Peter's forehead furrowed with worry as he took in my face and I realized that I must have a huge look of shock on it. I hadn't expected this at all, although deep down I knew it would be the way we would go eventually. Peter and I belonged together because we knew each other so well. We were comfortable with each other in a way I had never been with any other person and even contemplating him not being around made me ache with a sorrow that I couldn't ignore. With our closeness it was inevitable that we would marry and I knew I needed to put the poor guy out of his misery._

"_Yes. Of course I will marry you Peter. How could it possibly be any other way? I love you," The excitement in my voice made Peter smile in relief and then complete happiness. I did that to him. I made him happy and hoped I would always do that. I spattered his face with small kisses of joy. "Yes, yes, yes. I will be your wife."_

_Peter slipped the ring onto my finger and I looked at the sparkling diamond that now graced my hand. It was perfect for me and I knew that Peter would have chosen very carefully to ensure it would be my taste. I sighed with contentment that I had just agreed to marry the man who knew me so completely. We didn't have to second guess each other; we just knew._

The memories faded as I took in my current audience and I smiled, somewhat embarrassed that I had gone into such a trance while I was telling my story. Peter was looking down at me with understanding in his eyes. That day had been so special to the two of us. He squeezed my shoulder lightly and then grinned as Jasper spoke.

"Whoa smooth Peter. Buying the house and then proposing. She had no chance against that little maneuver."

"I think it was a sweet move," Rosalie stated with conviction and gave Emmett a meaningful glance that he caught and quickly smirked back at. Buying Rosalie a house before they got married was not likely for him and they both knew she was teasing him without malice.

"I didn't say it wasn't," Jasper said. " I was just saying it was smooth. It's a lot to live up to for all us other guys out there."

"Hmmm. So what would you imagine would be a good way of proposing, Jasper Cullen?" The teasing tone of Alice's voice was not missed by anyone and we all held our breath wondering how Jasper was going to respond to her blatant flirting at such an early stage of meeting one another. He did not disappoint.

"Well that would depend on the lady I fell for, wouldn't it Miss Swan?" I almost laughed out loud when I saw the dumbstruck look on Alice's face as Jasper edged closer to her and leaned across her body to pick up the salt shaker before casually returning back to his spot at her side. I was sure she was going to hyperventilate with the light touches his very deliberate move made against her body. He winked at her before popping a French fry into his mouth. Touche. Alice had met her match. It was about time someone could give Alice a run for her money.

The night proceeded with a whole lot of laughter, trips down memory lane and the very distinct feeling that Alice and Jasper had something going on that went beyond two people who had just met. I was fascinated by that instant palpable chemistry as it was not something I had ever experienced. My love for Peter had been born out of a very close friendship and our complete knowledge of one another. Here was Alice and Jasper, who had never clapped eyes on one another, sharing a connection that was all about instant attraction and maybe something a little bit more. It was a hard thing for me to get my head around but I had to admit I loved the romance of it for my sister. I always wanted her to be happy and right at this moment in time I don't think I had ever seen her happier.

As the night moved into the early hours of the morning we eventually agreed that our time for celebrating and catching up should come to an end and the boys moved to help us on with our coats. As Emmett and Rosalie shared their own apartment they said their goodbyes and grabbed a cab, heading home without us. Peter and Jasper helped Alice and I into a cab and the four of us were soon driving back to Alice and my apartment. When the cab pulled up outside, Peter leant in to kiss me goodbye, wishing me sweet dreams and Jasper made Alice swoon when he took her hand gently in his hands and brushed his lips against it. Alice took a few seconds to recover from his touch and then gave him a tight goodbye before stepping out of the cab. I knew Peter wouldn't let the cab leave the curb until he could see we were safely inside so I guided Alice up the stairs and into the building before we both turned and waved at the guys.

Once inside the apartment Alice leaned against the door and sighed heavily, making me grin about her dramatical entrance.

"Oh my god Bella. He is divine," Alice looked at me intently and then closed her eyes, sighing again. "I think I might be in love,"

If I hadn't been there with her tonight I would have thought she was having me on. If I hadn't seen the connection the two of them had experienced I would have told her she was mad. She was waiting for any one of those reactions; I could see it as she looked nervously at me through her half closed eyes …and surprisingly I was not going to give her either.

"No kidding, Alice. No kidding."

The two of us looked at one another in surprise and then fell into very girly giggles. The weeks leading up to the wedding were going to be very interesting indeed and I congratulated myself silently that my marrying Peter had brought Alice and Jasper to meet one another. I hoped, with everything I had, that it would all pan out.

It was important to me. Love….we all deserved it, didn't we?


	2. Chapter 2: Interactions

**Ok, so here is the chapter where our Bella and Edward meet and some sparks will fly. Hope you enjoy and please let us know what you think by hitting that review button down the bottom.**

**A reminder that this is AnahyR's story and I am filling in the gaps for her. She has a translation of it in Spanish for those of you who are interested.**

**Cheers**

**Michelle**

Chapter 2 - Interactions

BPOV

Parties weren't my thing but Peter wanted this one and of course I wasn't going to say no. I wasn't willing to make him miss out on things because of my own hang-ups. I hated attention and that is exactly why parties were so difficult for me. It was the exact opposite for Alice, who loved organizing great events or Rosalie who loved the limelight. They were more than happy to participate in this get together of friends and family whilst all I felt was nervousness. Sometimes I wished I could just be more like them.

Tonight's party had been organized to celebrate Peter and my upcoming nuptials in two weeks time. The following week would be our hens and bucks night but Peter was keen to have a great night where it would be our guests combined, rather than the separate men and girls nights out. Given that I had vetoed the engagement party all those months ago I felt inclined to agree and let him enjoy his moment of glory. He was happy to be getting married and proud of our relationship; that should make me more than happy myself but the butterflies and sweaty hands that ungraciously made themselves known during these kinds of moments made me tense and anxious. I couldn't wait for the night to end and it hadn't even begun yet.

"God Bella, relax. How are you ever going to walk down that aisle if the very thought of facing friends and family now make you go into a tailspin. I don't understand what the big deal is. Everyone there will either be your friend or Peter's friend. They're not people sent to harm you or judge you. They are there to celebrate your good fortune in snatching up each other." Rosalie was exasperated with me but that was nothing unusual when it came to this kind of a thing.

"I know, I know. It's just hard to be the center of attention wondering what people are thinking of me or whether they are waiting for me to fall flat on my face and embarrass the hell out of myself and more tragically Peter. He doesn't deserve to be ridiculed because his fiancé is a clumsy fool.

"Bella, Bella, Bella. You are your own worst enemy, making out that something bad is going to happen when chances are that it won't. Besides you look hot tonight so I don't think Peter is going to be feeling embarrassment when he sees you, just a whole lot of love," Alice had worked hard to make sure I would be the belle of the ball, so to speak. The grey dress that she and Rose had chosen for me was cute, hugging my upper curves and then flowing to mid thigh. The shoes that I had fought for were feminine without being too high. That had been Alice and my compromise. High heels were just an accident waiting to happen for me and I had literally put my foot down on that when Alice had originally shown me her choice.

Alice had gone for a more natural hairstyle tonight and had left my brown tresses free besides a slight pinning up at the sides. This meant that my hair was currently flowing half way down my back and I knew Peter would like it like that. All too often I had it pulled back or put up to keep it out of my way. Lastly Alice had done what I asked with my makeup and I was happily surprised to see that although I was most definitely made up I didn't have a ridiculous amount of makeup on. She had highlighted my eyes with dusty shades of grey and purple before adding a light gloss to my lips that made them shine healthily. Overall I was pretty happy with the outcome.

"Thanks Alice. You have done a wonderful job as usual. I even kind of feel a little sexy tonight," I teased and she looked at me open mouthed.

"Did you hear that Rose? Bella just admitted that she looked good. Wonders will never cease. Our sister is growing up."

Rosalie laughed as she added mascara to her own eyes. "About time but she's probably just like Cinderella and as soon as the clock strikes twelve she will be back to the self defacing Bella who can't believe that she is an attractive woman."

"Ha ha. Very funny you guys. I don't have poor self esteem, I just have a realistic view of myself. "

"Well your reality is a whole lot different to the people around you Bella," Alice flung over her shoulder as she went to the bed to find the clutch purse she wanted to use tonight. "People look at you and see the beautiful person you are. Don't doubt me."

I was about to argue when a knock on the door was quickly followed up with my mother's head poking into the room. Renee looked lovely all dressed up and ready to go. She scanned the room to see how we were faring in getting ready ourselves and smiled as Rosalie got up from her seat to kiss her on the cheek.

"You look gorgeous, ma. The Swan girls are definitely kicking it tonight."

"Thanks Rose. The three of you look beautiful of course. I was just checking to see how long before you are ready. Your father and I need to leave now because I promised to pick up the Newton's on the way. Jacob is due home at any time and I've talked him into driving you all to the party since he won't be drinking. Is that alright with you girls?"

"Sounds perfect mum." I answered, happy to know that Alice and I would not have to worry about which one of us would be driving home tonight. I had no intention of drinking too much but it was nice to know that all of us could relax without worrying about our alcohol level for driving.

Alice and I followed mum out of the room and down the stairs of our family home while Rosalie stayed behind to touch up her makeup. As our feet hit the hall floor the front door banged open and in loped Jacob with his mate Sam close behind.

"Hi all. Sorry I am late. I won't be five minutes I promise and then we can head out." Jacob quickly dropped a peck on our mother's forehead and started to take the staircase two steps at a time. "Dad's waiting in the car mum."

"I put your clothes on your bed Jake. Make sure you wear them." Alice called out after our brother and Renee sighed.

"Can't anyone in this family dress themselves Ali? Do you have to choose everyone's attire?" Jacob grumbled from the top of the stairs.

"You know you love it," Alice called back. "I have the best taste in clothes and you always look good so stop the complaining."

Jacob's door slammed shut so Alice didn't receive any response.

"Ok well that is my cue. Don't be long girls and Sam you're more than welcome to turn on the TV while you wait for Jacob." Renee slipped on a light coat and slipped out the front door.

Ten minutes later the five of us were sitting in Jacob's car heading towards the Wood's house where the party was being held. Rosalie, Alice and I had spent all day there helping with the setup of the party and that is why we had decided to get ready at Charlie and Renee's house instead of heading back into the city where we lived; convenience. Jacob spent the entire trip taunting me about my nervousness and concerns of ruining the party. I loved my brother but at times he could be a royal pain. He got great joy out of making me feel uncomfortable about events such as this.

Only a handful of cars were already at the Wood's house by the time we pulled in. The party wasn't due to start for another forty minutes so we were well and truly in time for the greetings, etc that would be expected of me as one of the hosts. I took in a deep breath as we entered the house. Everything was ready and we gave our hellos to Peter's parents, before moving to the games room to find our boys. If anyone could calm me down it would be Peter. He always did.

Two hours later the party was in full swing and everyone seemed to be having a good time. It was nice to catch up with old and new friends in a social setting and Peter was in his element; joking and laughing with everyone he came into contact with. I loved watching him tilt his head whilst listening to whoever he was speaking to and then see his blue eyes sparkle with mirth at the interaction he was having. Peter was a gorgeous looking man and it still surprised me that he was mine, even though he could have anyone he wanted. As if reading my mind he looked up at me and gave me a quick wink, partnered with a lightening flash of white teeth. I shook my head and smiled back. Even when he was busy with someone else he always made the time to have some kind of contact just for me.

"Great party, ha," I swirled around to find Jasper next to me holding out a glass of champagne for me. I took it graciously and smiled at him in thanks.

"Seems like everyone is having a good time," I answered and took a sip of the champagne.

"I think it is a great idea to do this, rather than just the hens and bucks nights. Gives people the opportunity to mingle before the big day in celebration. That's what weddings should be all about – celebration and having fun." Jasper was looking out at the crowd of people before his eyes trained on me again.

"I hope so. All I want is for people to have fun and I guess…. for me not to do something clumsy that will ruin it all. It's likely that I will do something ridiculous like fall into the wedding cake."

Jasper chuckled at my concerns. "I think you might be too hard on yourself Bella. I haven't witnessed anything yet to suggest that you are as clumsy as you think."

"Well let me assure you it will only be a matter of time Jasper,"

We both laughed at my assumptions and then he turned to me once more with a look of intensity on his face.

"He's happy you know Bella. You make him happy and I want to thank you for that. I have never seen him so content with his lot. It's really good to see because he is an amazing man and a great friend."

Jasper's face reflected his embarrassment at his heartfelt admission and I couldn't help but lean in and give him a quick peck on his cheek for caring so much about my fiancé.

"He thinks the same of you Jasper and having you here for all this time has been really wonderful for him." Jasper's face flushed and I laughed because it was usually me who did the blushing. "And speaking of being happy, I do believe you have done the same thing for my sister. Where is she anyway?"

"Um over there with some guy named Mike. Should that be something I am worried about?"

"He's harmless and since you rocked into town she has only had eyes for you anyway. I still can't believe the two of you got it on so quickly. It's only been two weeks and already I feel like you've been around in her life forever."

"Yeah. It has been pretty intense. I can't explain it. It was like as soon as I saw her I knew she was it for me and even though my head is telling me it is too soon to be thinking like that I am choosing to ignore my head and just go with it." Jasper searched my face to see if I thought he was nuts. "Life's too short sometimes for us to not take risks, you know what I mean? I just hope that I give her what she needs. I don't want to hurt her and my lifestyle is not the best when it comes to keeping relationships strong."

"Jasper, if it is any consolation, I think you are absolutely perfect for her. The two of you will deal with the absences and the worry when it comes time for it. Have fun now and enjoy the time you have together."

"Fun? I almost feel guilty having fun when I know what is going on elsewhere in the world; what people are losing and enduring every day," He shook his head as if to rid himself of images that he didn't want to think about. "Sorry Bella I don't know why I am being such a sap. This is a party and we are going to go and enjoy it. Forget about what I have said."

It had become clear to me over the past couple of weeks what a good guy Jasper was and how loving he was towards my sister and his friends but it was also clear that he was hiding some bad memories that he was not willing to share with others. I knew it was about his job and I wanted to let him know that we were all here for him but I didn't feel that it was my place when he hadn't even discussed it with Peter yet. I hoped he would become comfortable enough with us that he would reveal his secrets sooner than later. Something told me he really needed to vent.

"So I haven't seen your family here yet, Jasper. I imagine you are looking forward to seeing them."

"I really am. I got a text from Edward before to say that they were running a little late. I am sure they will be here soon. Mum and dad are so looking forward to seeing Peter's parents. It has been quite a while for them."

"I'm looking forward to meeting them too. Peter has told me a lot about them and how he considers them his second parents. It is a shame that they live on the other side of the country now and we all don't see each other enough."

"I guess that's life. Things change and people move on. Hey let's join Rosalie and Emmett on the dance floor before Alice finishes with her boy over there and before Peter comes to take you away from me."

Amongst my appeals that I could not dance and that I would ruin his night if he forced me to, Jasper had me out on the dance floor and was twirling me around madly so that I was sickeningly dizzy but happy nonetheless. Soon Emmett and Jasper were swapping places and I was being swung around like a ragdoll by Emmett who had become overzealous in making sure I didn't fall. By the time Alice and Peter came out to join the foray the lot of us were laughing and having a great time letting our hair down. My anxieties had seemed to have flown out the window and I wasn't thinking about how the others in the room were perceiving me, but rather how lucky I was to have such a great bunch of friends; how good my life was with them in it.

As much as I was enjoying myself I needed a quick breather and something to quench my thirst so I excused myself from the dance floor and headed towards the bar, laughing at my fiancé's antics as he grabbed Alice by the hips and forced her into a quick dip. Before I could get there I was stopped by Angela who held two drinks in her hands and was smiling at me with enthusiasm.

"Thought you might need this, after that display of pure dancing skill," she laughed, handing me some type of cocktail concoction. "Made it myself so enjoy."

I thanked her for her thoughtfulness and then proceeded to discuss the photographic exhibition she had opening next week. Her excitement was palpable and I was genuinely pleased that people were going to finally see her creativity and skill in a public forum. We would all be there to support her of course; she was ridiculously nervous about it and needed her friends there with her when she exposed her ability to the world. I already knew how well she would do because I had seen her work and I knew it for the genius it was.

Soon Ben caught Angela's attention and she went off to talk with one of his friends so that I had a quick moment of aloneness within a room full of people. I was settling in to enjoy my people watching for the time that it would last when I was interrupted by an arm around my waist and an obnoxious voice in my ear.

"Looking absolutely delectable tonight Bella. I don't know how that cousin of mine lets you out of his sight so readily."

I moved out of the circle of James arms and tried to keep my impatience hidden as I answered him coolly.

"Peter's never too far away James but thanks for the concern,"

He smirked at me and I wanted so badly to punch the grin right off his face. I was not generally a violent person but he always managed to get my back up the instant he was around. Unfortunately he was Peter's family so I neither hit him nor did I make a deal out of his constant need to be suggestive with me. I didn't want Peter to be put into a bad position because of me.

"I am always here to look out for you Bella. In fact I find it really hard to keep my eyes off you at all,"

"Well make more of an effort James and go and try those kinds of lines with someone who is interested…..and available. I am neither."

"Come on Bella. I was just having a little joke with you. No need to get all angsty with me."

"I am pretty sure I just heard my sister tell you that she's not interested in your attention James. Why don't you heed her advice and find someone else to bother?" When I turned my head slightly I noted that Jacob was by my side, glaring at James threateningly. Most people would think it laughable that a seventeen year old boy would be able to appear hostile towards a twenty three year old and get away with it but Jacob was huge already and James was kind of wimpy so it worked in my favour.

James looked at Jacob with disdain but I didn't miss the slight tinge of fear that went along with it. "Whatever you say…kid," He emphasized the work kid and Jacob basically growled lowly at him for the offense. "Why don't you watch and learn how a man goes about his business," and James left to seek someone else to annoy.

"As if I would want to learn anything from the likes of him," Jacob muttered through clenched teeth and then looked at me with disbelief in his eyes. "Why do you keep putting up with his crap Bella? Tell Peter already. He should know that his cousin is a sleaze ball who doesn't leave you alone."

I flung my arm around my brother's shoulders and gave him a thankful smile. "You are a legend Jake and so much more of a man than James could ever be but as for Peter, I am not going to cause trouble within his family over something that I can deal with on my own. I ignore James and he usually goes away – for a while anyway." I rubbed my forehead, feeling a slight ache there that I knew I needed to address quickly in order to continue with tonight's festivities. "Listen. Let's keep this little altercation between us Jacob. No one benefits from accusations being made tonight and I just want to enjoy time with the people who matter."

Jacob sighed and then nodded his head in agreement. "Still think Peter should know but that's up to you." He glanced around the room, probably looking for Sam or one of his other friends we had invited tonight. His face lit up and I followed his gaze to see a young girl, Jake's age, make her way into the room with a whole lot of confidence.

"Who is that?" he breathed and I shrugged my shoulders.

"I honestly don't know. Maybe someone from Peter's family that I haven't met yet"

"Well I think I need to go and make her feel welcome, sis," He started walking across the room before turning to me again. "and just so you know. I have my eye on that sleaze and if I see him do it again tonight, I am going to be the one to tell Peter."

I waved him away and contemplated my next move. Should I go back to dancing with my friends or mingle with our guests. The slight stab of pain in my head made me delay both those options and I realized that my first consideration should be to get rid of the headache that was likely to appear at any moment.

I headed towards the kitchen to find something for it and ran into Peter's mother Grace taking some canapés out of the fridge.

"Hi sweetheart. Everything alright?" She searched my face with concern and I smiled back at her, with what I hoped was reassurance.

"Everything is great. The party is going really well. I was kind of hoping to grab something for a headache though. I can feel one coming on and thought I would halt it before it appeared."

"Oh. Ok. Sure. You know where to find the tablets hun," She was balancing the trays now and heading back out. "Let me know if there is something else I can get for you. We don't want your night ruined after all."

_I wish someone had given that instruction to your nephew out there before he put me in the position of keeping the one and only secret I have from Peter._

I was beginning to think that Jacob was right and no matter how it affected the family Peter should be aware that his cousin was hitting on me constantly, making me feel uncomfortable with his ever growing touches and innuendos. I didn't trust James at all and he could make my life difficult if he decided to cause trouble.

I took the tablets and walked over to the bay windows that looked over the Wood's swimming pool and backyard. It looked so peaceful out there that I stood for quite a long time just staring at the gentle swaying of the trees and the brightness of the stars on this clear night. It gave me a sense of calm and soon I was ready to head back out to enjoy the party and forget about James and his annoying ways. I spun around to grab the cocktail that Angela had made me, and which I had put on the bench nearly full, when an unknown smooth velvety voice cut into my consciousness, making me freeze in surprise. Raising my eyes I found myself captivated by the appearance of a god like creature walking hesitantly towards me. I thought I heard myself gasp but wasn't entirely sure. My awareness was completely taken up with the man who was now standing only a meter or two away from me.

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to startle you. Grace asked me to come in and get some extra trays of food for her." He was looking at me as if he wasn't sure if he should move or not. His gaze was quite intent and I found I had to do something in order to break the connection. It was playing with my head

"Um. Ah. Yeah sure. Let me help you with that." I went to move much too quickly and before I knew it my clumsiness was coming into play and I felt myself falling. I reached out to grab onto the counter but felt hard muscle instead.

"Hey. Easy there. I've got you," Both his arms were holding me gently on the underside of my arms over my elbows and the heat of my blush made me cringe in embarrassment. When I managed to lift my head to meet his scrutiny I was expecting amusement but all I found was an expression of confusion and something else I couldn't quite put my finger on. No one had ever looked at me before with such…..longing? He shook his head a little and half smiled at me.

"Are you ok?"

His words registered but I was entirely fixated on the feel of his hands on my arms, the sudden scent of combined maleness and freshness with just a touch of fruit that was enveloping me and then the horrific realization that I had spilled my cocktail all over this stranger who was lighting all kinds of emotions within me.

"Oh god. I am so sorry. I have ruined your shirt with my clumsiness. I feel like such an idiot." I quickly grabbed a hand towel that was hanging beside the counter and started swiping away at the red liquid that was now seeping through his shirt, onto his chest. I inadvertently moved myself closer to him in my attempt to fix up my mess and his quick intake of breath told me that that was a bad move. He grabbed my wrist gently, putting a stop to my ministrations by covering my hand with his own. His warmth seeped into me from that touch alone. He used his other hand to lift my face up to his so that I could see his honesty while he spoke.

"It's just a shirt. Don't worry about it." When he spoke his breath fanned my face and I had to mentally berate myself for allowing such an innocent action to make me want to swoon. Oh god; what was happening to me?

He kept his finger lightly under my chin and was searching my face for something when the kitchen door opened and he slowly moved away from me so that we were no longer touching each other in any way. His eyes never left mine and I was sure that he was aware that my breathing was a little quicker than it should have been.

"Bella. Mum said that you were…oh hi Edward. I see that you two have finally gotten to meet," Peter looked between the two of us, registering the soiled shirt and then laughed lightheartedly "… and in a perfectly Bella way I can see."

Edward broke his gaze away from mine and forced himself to smile at Peter. "We haven't had the chance for formal introductions yet."

"I spilled my drink on him," I stated, somewhat inanely, as I showed Peter the cloth I was using to sop up the mess. I was lucky to have gotten those words out; I was so confused with what had just happened between us.

"I can see that Bells." Peter came over to place his arm around my shoulder and gently squeezed my shoulder in understanding of my mortification. He had no idea that more than embarrassment was lighting my face up in all its flushed glory. I was suddenly feeling more than a little guilty.

"Well let me get the formal introductions out of the way then. This is Bella Swan; my fiancé and Bella this is Jaspers brother…."

"Edward Cullen," I said with certainty, now recalling the photos that Emmett had up in the apartment he shared with Rosalie. The images were nothing at all in comparison to the reality of him. Edward was looking down at my left hand and his eyes narrowed almost imperceptively at the evidence of our engagement. His slight grimace could be seen by me, but not by Peter who still had his eyes glued on me.

"That would be me," Edward's voice was calm, holding no hint that he was in any way uncomfortable. He put his hand out to grasp mine in a handshake and the electrical current that leapt up my arm was hard to ignore. Somehow I managed it and watched instead for Edward's reaction to the touch. Did he feel the connection the way I did? Did he think I was some kind of lunatic to be reacting to him the way I was? His gaze of forced casual interest flickered for a moment and I knew that he must have felt something too.

Damn I was in some kind of trouble.

We both dropped our hands quickly and I took the towel in my hand over to the sink to rinse it out while Peter suggested to Edward that he could get him a spare shirt of his own to wear.

"I'll be back in a minute. I'll get one from my old room. Mum keeps some there for when I stay over. Wait here and we will get you back to normal. Hey Bells would you mind getting Edward's shirt off him and soaking it so it doesn't stain."

I flinched at the prospect of having to see Edward Cullen shirtless but pasted a smile on my face and turned back to Edward who was currently unbuttoning his shirt but was looking at me in apology.

"I'm sorry Bella. I had no idea who you were when I came in. I hope I didn't make you uncomfortable."

"Please Edward. I am not sure why you are apologizing when it was me who spilled my drink all over you, ruining your shirt. It's me who should be saying sorry." I was trying really hard not to watch him as he shimmied out of his shirt and held it in his hand but I was drawn to the plains of his chest and stomach. He was way too perfect to be true. I thought of my loving Peter and forced my gaze down to the shirt in Edward's hand.

"Pass it to me and I will soak it for you." My voice was a little shaky as I reached out for the shirt.

"You don't have to do that Bella. I can do it myself. Point me in the right direction."

I acceded to his request and was given a moment of reprieve whilst he went into the laundry. I placed my head in my hands as I waited for either one of them to come back. Edward was first and he smiled wryly at me as he leaned against the counter and crossed his arms across his chest, only highlighting further that he was a man who worked out and who had a body to be proud of.

"So you are the famous Bella that I have heard so much about. Peter and Emmett have a very high opinion of you, I have to say."

I needed to escape. Edward was lounging against the counter as if he didn't have a care in the world and as if he hadn't just made me forget for a moment in time that I was engaged to be married to the man I loved; he was bringing up my said fiancé and letting me know how highly he thought of me when in actual fact I was sick to my stomach that I felt like I was betraying Peter by even thinking the thoughts I was about the perfection that was now in front of me. The guilt was overbearing. Why couldn't Edward Cullen have remained a mystery to us all? Why did I have to deal with this…this attraction or whatever it was now?

"I guess it is only natural that the man I am going to marry in two weeks time would think highly of me," My voice came out a little frostier than I meant it to but I was beyond caring right now. Edward's face showed that he had recognized my discomfort and again the apology was evident. He reached out to touch my forearm and I cringed back from his touch, not caring what he would think of that movement.

"I need to go find my friends Edward. Can you please let Peter know where he can find me when he gets back?"

"Bella, please I am sorry,"

"And like I said you have nothing to be sorry for. I just….need….to…go," I scurried out of the room blindly in the hope that what I had been feeling would dilute when he was no longer in my presence displaying all his attributes and caring nature. As I left I thought I heard him mutter to himself. "Of all the girls…it had to be her,"

I didn't want to think what he meant by that. I couldn't!


	3. Chapter 3: Attractions Denied

Chapter Three – Attractions denied

EPOV

Our delayed flights made us well and truly late to Peter's party and we were all feeling the pinch by the time we pulled up outside Emmett's apartment block, where my parents were dropping me off before they headed over to the Wood's residence. They would be staying there for the next few weeks.

"Don't take too long Edward. We are two hours late already. I expect you to change quickly and be over as soon as possible." How was it that even at twenty five years of age I was still being told what to do by my mother and being the dutiful son by making sure I would follow up on her request?

"Yes Edward. Don't take too long making that ugly mug of yours respectable for public consumption." My little sister Camille had become the real comedian in my absence from Forks. I saluted her as my father pulled back out into the traffic and they headed over to Grace and Richard's house. I would follow soon enough.

I gripped my suitcases and found the hidden key that Emmett had let me know he would leave for me in case of just this scenario. I let myself into their silent apartment and quickly made my way to the room I guessed would be mine, pulling off the clothes that I had been wearing all day and making myself at home in the shower. Within fifteen minutes I was dressed and ready to get a cab over to Peter's parent's house. It had been years since I had set foot in that house and I distractedly wondered if it had changed much. Of course I had seen Peter quite a number of times over the past few years, when he had come to visit Jasper, and Emmett had joined him to come and see me. Although Jasper and Peter were closest, as were Emmett and I, we had all retained a really good friendship that I was happy to have. Peter was a great guy who deserved all the happiness in the world. Apparently he had found that with his girl Bella; his best friend from the moment she moved into New York and he had had a hole to fill from Jasper leaving. Their wedding was what had brought my whole family across the country to witness their happiness. It was also an opportunity for Carlisle and Esme, my parents, to catch up with their good friends Grace and Richard. It had been a long time for them and they were genuinely looking forward to their visit in New York.

The party was definitely pumping when I entered the house and when I made my way into the room that had been converted into the bar and dance floor I laughed to see my brother, Jasper and my best friend, Emmett carving up the dance floor like they were eighteen year old kids again. Camille, who had obviously been introduced to everyone before I got there was next to them, looking up at Jasper adoringly. She loved Jasper; who didn't? He had an exceptional gift about him that made those who met him feel special. I noted, with interest, that there was also a burly looking boy dancing beside my sister. I would have to check that one out carefully to make sure there was no funny business on his mind. I stepped back and watched for a few moments, taking in that Jasper had a small petite dark haired girl in his arms now and that they were looking at each other as if they were the only ones in the room. I was guessing that this was Alice; the girl Jasper had spoken to me about over the past couple of week's worth of phone calls. He certainly did seem smitten, which confirmed what he had said on the phone. She had caught his heart in such a small amount of time. Was that even possible? Could love really work like that? From all evidence of their closeness it would appear that it could.

"Edward. You made it." A friendly thump on my shoulder brought me to the attention of the man of the moment, Peter. "Sorry about your flights – how annoying."

I gave Peter a quick handshake and a one armed hug. "Great to be here finally, Peter. I can see that everyone is having a good time out there." I waved towards the people I had been watching and he chuckled his deep laugh.

"You could say that. Listen I was on my way over to speak to some friends of mine from uni so make yourself comfortable and we'll catch up more later."

When I started walking towards Jasper he noticed me and indicated to the others that he was going to take a breather. They all followed suit and soon I was surrounded by people; some I knew and some I didn't.

"Bro, it's been a while. Glad to see you," Jasper held me tightly and I returned his hug enthusiastically. I was pleased to see him in quite a good mood, which was a little surprising after what he had been through not so long ago. Emmett's greeting was next and then I was introduced firstly to Rosalie who was Emmett's girlfriend and then Alice who reminded me a whole lot of a whirlwind just waiting to happen. Jasper would be on his toes with that one I was sure.

"Jake here is a Swan too," Emmett boomed as I found myself shaking the hand of the burly boy I had noticed before. "Obviously not as good looking as the Swan girls but he holds his own when needed."

"Yeh right thanks for that introduction Em. Can't say how much I appreciate it."

I laughed at his embarrassment and then took the drink that Jasper had found for me at the bar.

"I saw Peter and he seems happy," I noted in conversation.

"He is man. It is great to see him settling down with such a cool girl. Was Bella with him when you saw him?" Jasper was apparently as smitten with this Bella girl as Emmett and Peter had always been. I was looking forward to meeting her.

"Nope but I am sure it won't be long before I meet her. Don't let me stop you from partying guys. I just want to go over and see Grace and Rick to say hi." I moved away from the group and noticed that they split up into different directions; Emmett and Rosalie heading for the bar, Jake and Camille choosing to hit the dance floor again and Alice and Jasper joining different groups of people to chat with. After I made myself known to Mr. and Mrs. Wood I would join them in their partying.

My parents were standing with Mr. and Mrs. Wood when I arrived, along with another couple. They were all laughing and getting on quite well which didn't surprise me. Esme and Carlisle were very social and from what I knew about Peter's parents, it was no different.

"Hi son. Glad you got here so quickly," my father congratulated me on my quick turn around and I smirked. I wasn't one to take too much care with my appearance besides the usual cleanliness regime.

"Thought I would say hello, to the host and hostess, before I joined the others again. How are you Grace? Rick? It is really good to see you and you seem to have put on a great party."

Grace gave me a quick hug and Richard shook my hand enthusiastically before introducing me to the couple in the circle I didn't know.

"Edward Cullen, I would like you to meet Renee and Charlie Swan. They are Bella's parents."

I greeted them politely and Renee spoke a little about their children and how happy they were that Alice and Jasper were getting on so well. Charlie didn't say too much but he nodded at intervals at his wife and laughed whenever a joke was told.

Before too long we were joined by a very animated girl who was attempting to gain my attention by standing a little too close and smiling like a Cheshire at me. God help me.

"Edward, this is Jessica. She went to high school with Peter and Bella." Grace spoke politely but I could see from the look on her face that she was highly amused by something to do with the girl. "Jessica, please meet Edward, an old friend of the family's"

I forced myself to converse politely with the girl but it was apparent to me that she lacked any great depth and was more interested in thrusting her breasts against my arms or batting her eyelashes at me as we spoke. This was not how I wanted to be spending my time at this party but I wasn't sure how to get out of it without being rude. Grace took pity on me and I could have kissed her feet in that moment.

"Oh Edward. I was wondering if you could do me a favor and run into the kitchen and get another tray of canapés for me. We seem to be running out."

I immediately agreed and headed towards the kitchen. Jessica went to follow me but Grace grabbed her attention by asking after her parents so that I was free to maneuver my way through the crowd of party goers without her clinging to me. I was going to have to try and evade her for the rest of the night.

As I passed one particular group I saw that Peter was laughing with a brunette and I surmised that she was his fiancé Bella. Once I had completed my mercy dash for the food I would make sure I went over for an introduction. It was only polite considering it was her wedding we were here for.

I was about to enter the kitchen when it became obvious that it was not empty. I stopped momentarily to watch the other occupant lean up against the wall, looking out into the night through the huge bay windows in front of her. I couldn't see her face as she was turned away from me but my gaze ran over the length of her body and I held my breath when I realized just how attractive the parts of her body were that I could see. Her legs were long, smooth and porcelain white. Her dress was form fitting and showed off each and every one of her curves. I felt a lump form in my throat as my eyes continued to travel up to her neck which was exposed to my scrutiny because she had pulled all of her hair over one shoulder and was playing with it absentmindedly. I was reacting to a woman's back for god's sake. What on earth was I thinking?

In the instant that I decided I should make my presence known, rather than standing there like some kind of pervert, she spun around and grabbed a drink off the bench while I said a hesitant hello. She froze and I glimpsed her face, which I had to say far outshone the beauty of the back and neck I had been ogling five seconds before. Without thinking I moved towards her slowly, as if some electrical current was pulling me towards her, and waited for some kind of response. Her expressive eyes widened and her mouth formed a silent oh, making me realize that I had frightened her. I internally kicked myself for doing so.

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to startle you. Grace asked me to come in and get some extra trays of food for her." Could she hear the nerves in my voice when I spoke? I wasn't used to the emotion. I dealt with people every day; made business transactions with them; ensured they understood I wasn't a man to be crossed. This was a little out of my league and I wondered at it.

I watched for her reaction to my words but she seemed dumbstruck. I took the opportunity to search the eyes that were staring back at me. I wanted to forget about anything that had happened before this moment and allow myself to dwell in those chocolate pools of warmth. She was captivating and I needed to know more of this girl.

"Um. Ah. Yeah sure. Let me help you with that."

I don't know how it happened but the girl was falling and I couldn't let that happen. I reached out and caught her outstretched arms with my own. The grip I had on her arms was light but it took every ounce of my will not to just pull her against my chest and explore the feeling of her body against mine. I already knew it would be an exquisite torture. My will fought the fanciful notion and won.

"Hey. Easy there. I've got you,"

When she looked up at me her face was flushed with a light red and I knew she was embarrassed. Images rushed through my head. I could reach up and trace the path that blush had taken across her cheeks with my finger, or better still I could bring my lips down and use them to feather over the rosy hue of her blush. This girl was instigating a whole lot of needs within me that I didn't even know I had. I wanted to be tender with her and I wanted to be closer to her. I wanted to push her against the bench beside us and worship her with my lips and hands. None of these options were acceptable in this moment in time. I needed to get a grip on myself. I shook my head to rid myself of my inappropriate thoughts about a girl I did not know and returned my attention to the situation at hand, trying to smile warmly at the girl so she didn't feel like I was some sort of lunatic.

"Are you ok?"

Neither of us had moved our position so I was still holding her and she seemed to be leaning into me, while she took a deep breath. I couldn't let go and allowed her to make the next move. She lowered her head and then I heard her very audible gasp as if she had returned to the reality of where she was.

"Oh god. I am so sorry. I have ruined your shirt with my clumsiness. I feel like such an idiot."

My arms fell from their grasp of her as she moved to grab a towel and begin to dab at my chest. God was she kidding. I was trying to control my sudden attraction and she was making it harder by touching me like this, even if it was in a completely innocent manner. When she stepped forward and I could feel more of her against me I couldn't contain my quick intake of breath and I needed to stop her movements before I acted in a completely improper way. I grabbed her wrist to stop her from moving the towel across my shirt covered chest and then moved my hand subtly so that it was covering hers. It felt right to be holding her hand against my chest and I wondered if she could feel the acceleration of my heart beat where her hand rested. Again, with the over the top reactions because of her nearness.

"It's just a shirt. Don't worry about it." I didn't want to think about the uncomfortable feeling of stickiness seeping onto my chest; I wanted to concentrate on her and the sudden understanding that I had met someone special; that for the first time ever I could see a girl as something beyond a casual acquaintance. The feeling was frightening and exhilarating at the same time.

Through the rush of sudden emotions I heard the door open and knew that I had this girl in a compromising position with our hands held against my chest and my other hand under her chin. I moved casually away from her but retained the eye contact. She was breathing a little heavy and appeared to want to say something but she held her tongue.

"Bella. Mum said that you were…oh hi Edward. I see that you two have finally gotten to meet,"

As soon as Peter said the name my heart plummeted and I felt like I had been punched in the gut. I couldn't drag my eyes away from the girl I now knew to be Bella; Peter's fiancé and someone who was definitely off limits. Peter was looking between the two of us and when he laughed in understanding, I had to hold myself back from cringing.

"… and in a perfectly Bella way I can see ."

I knew he was talking about her having spilled her drink on me but other images of how perfectly Bella she was, over rode what he was saying. How could it possibly be that this instant attraction I felt could never be followed through on? How could I be jealous of Peter and his knowledge of her 'perfectly Bella ways?" Nothing about this was right.

I dragged my eyes away from the mortified expression on Bella's face and smiled at Peter in a friendly fashion. It wasn't his fault that he had impeccable taste and had met the girl of my dreams years before I did.

"We haven't had the chance for formal introductions yet."

"I spilled my drink on him,"

"I can see that Bells."

Peter made his way over to Bella and put his arm around her as if she needed his reassurance.

"_Mine"_ My brain screamed at him in silent rejection of his touch on her body. I wanted to growl at him for being able to do such a natural thing with her. I wanted to stake my claim on her by pulling her from his arms and telling her she was meant to be with me; that there had been some kind of mistake. I wanted to do anything I could to take away the guilt I could see on her face. There were too many things I wanted to do and not one of them would ever be done. She belonged to him.

" Well let me get the formal introductions out of the way then. This is Bella Swan; my fiancé and Bella this is Jaspers brother…."

"Edward Cullen,"

As she spoke the words, I looked down at her left hand and saw the engagement ring that I should have noticed before now. I grimaced at the complete mess I had made because I had been too caught up in her presence and not given enough attention to relevant details.

"That would be me," I kept my voice calm in the hope that Peter would not see my dilemma and start questioning my odd behavior towards his girl. I offered Bella my hand to shake and then immediately thought that it had been a bad idea. My reaction to the feeling that the touch gave me had to be suppressed and I kept my face smooth as far as I was able.

The spark only left once we quickly dropped our hands and Bella went over to the sink to rinse out the towel she had been using to clean me up. Peter was talking to me so I tried my hardest to follow his train of thought as he offered to get me one of his own clean shirts to get me through the night. All I could think of was that I had made Bella uncomfortable and it did not sit well with me.

"Hey Bells would you mind getting Edward's shirt off him and soaking it so it doesn't stain." Peter spoke as he left the room, leaving the two of us alone again.

I could see her reluctance to turn to face me and I wanted to try and clear the air a little between us.

"I'm sorry Bella. I had no idea who you were when I came in. I hope I didn't make you uncomfortable."

She was darting her eyes between my fingers that were unbuttoning my shirt and something I could not see behind me. At no time was she willing to look me in the eye. I had done some damage here, I could tell.

"Please Edward. I am not sure why you are apologizing when it was me who spilled my drink all over you, ruining your shirt. It's me who should be saying sorry."

Her embarrassed face was down, looking at the shirt in my hand.

"Pass it to me and I will soak it for you." Her voice was shaky and my heart went out to her. I was affecting her in some way, even if it wasn't to the same level as she had affected me.

"You don't have to do that Bella. I can do it myself. Point me in the right direction."

I used the time in the laundry to get myself under control again. I was in a really bad situation where I had unknowingly coveted my friends soon to be wife. I had unintentionally allowed myself to feel really strongly towards a woman I did not know and now I was going to have to pay the consequences for such a slip up. That didn't mean that Bella or Peter should pay. I was going to go out there and try to make things lighter. I would not allow Bella to feel guilty when she hadn't done anything wrong. With those thoughts in mind I reentered the kitchen to find Bella's head in her hands and looking quite sick with herself. I shouldn't have put her in this situation.

I leaned against the bench, crossed my arms and smiled at her, hoping that my casual actions would make her relax. I'm not sure that it worked the way I wanted.

"So you are the famous Bella that I have heard so much about. Peter and Emmett have a very high opinion of you, I have to say."

My comment resulted in Bella looking like she wanted to throw up. So many emotions flitted across her face that it was hard for me to keep up with them but the one that I caught beyond a shadow of a doubt was that Bella was conflicted and she felt guilty. If it hadn't been for me she would be feeling neither of those things.

"I guess it is only natural that the man I am going to marry in two weeks time would think highly of me,"

She was hurting; I could hear it in the frostiness of her voice and I also knew that the attraction I had felt for her in the lead up to Peter walking in had been somewhat returned by her, against her will. She wasn't the sort of person who would normally do this; I understood this without even knowing her. Hell, the instant attraction had not been something I had ever encountered either so we were both confused by the way we had responded to one another. She repelled my attempt to reach out and give her some comfort. She was struggling and me touching her would only make it worse.

_How did I become so attuned to what someone else was feeling?_

"I need to go find my friends Edward. Can you please let Peter know where he can find me when he gets back?"

I couldn't let her go out there, berating herself.

"Bella, please I am sorry,"

"And like I said, you have nothing to be sorry for. I just….need….to…go,"

There was no eye contact as she fled the room. My hands were instantly in my hair as I watched her move away from me and I couldn't help muttering aloud the words that were ringing through my head.

"Of all the girls…it had to be her,"

An awkward evening ensued. Peter was his regular self, laughingly explaining to me that Bella was renowned for her clumsiness and apologizing that I had copped the brunt of it. As he spoke with such evident affection for his fiancé I felt myself prickling with resentment, even though I had no right to feel that way. He divulged lots of little snippets of information about the lead up to their wedding and what we would all be doing over the next couple of weeks. He was excited; I was reluctantly jealous and then furious with myself for having these ridiculously intense feelings after such a short period of time with a woman that could never, ever be with me.

Once the shirt was on I braced myself for the onslaught of craving I would be hit with, as Peter led me back out to the party and hence back into the presence of Bella. She seemed to have eased into a casual comradeship with the people around her and I could almost believe that what had happened in the kitchen had all been a figment of my imagination. She wasn't the shy and bewildered girl who had looked at me with confusion and guilt; she was the host of this party who was laughing and making sure that her guests were feeling happy and welcomed. She smiled, she laughed and she looked completely in control.

And then she caught my eye, beside Peter, and her relaxed demeanor slipped momentarily before being replaced by a sunny smile yet again as she turned to tease a laughing Emmett. God she was truly beautiful ….and I could not be thinking like that.

"See honey. No harm done. Edward is back to his normal perfection," Peter addressed Bella whose face instantly became red and Emmett, Jasper and Rose looked at her questioningly.

"I spilled my cocktail all over Edward," Bella said softly, shaking her head disdainfully and smiling slightly as Jasper laughed at her.

"Well you did warn me that it would only be a matter of time," he pulled her towards him and gave her a friendly hug. "Luckily for you it was only Edward and he would never hold a grudge. Isn't that right bro?"

Bella's unsure eyes met mine. "It's forgotten already. In fact, as far as I am concerned, it never even happened. Would that make you happy Bella?"

She nodded her head uncertainly and I hoped that she got the double meaning behind my words. She didn't need to fear me or anything I might do. From now on I was going to be on my best behavior.

_Easier said than done when fate conspired against you and decided to tempt with what could be._

The next hour and half went by pretty uneventfully. I tried extremely hard to ignore the pull towards Bella and watched instead, from afar, all of her interactions with friends and family. I was kind of hoping that I would see something about her that would lessen the attraction I was feeling. If she was shallow or rude or boring it would make life so much easier but it didn't work out like that because she was none of those things. She was interested in the people around her; she was always kind and polite to others and she was intelligent in the conversations she had. I was unable to find any reason to dislike her.

At one point of the night Alice and I were companionably discussing the highlights of Paris as a destination and place to live when I looked up to see Jessica zoning in on me and I tensed up with trepidation. I had managed to avoid her all night as I interacted with the people I wanted to actually be with but now it looked like my time was up and I was going to have to deal with her flirtation. My eyes flicked up at Alice's and I saw understanding light up her eyes before I could even say anything.

"You've met our Jess then?" She whispered to me conspiratorially and I nodded my agreement.

"And you don't wish to be reacquainted?" This time I shook my head and her tinkling laughter rang through the air around us as she began to pull me towards the part of the room, not too far away, where I could see Jasper and Bella deep in their own conversation.

"What are you doing?" I spoke through gritted teeth as I saw the direction we were heading.

"I'm saving you, of course. I am going to grab Jazz for a dance and Bella can dance with you. Jessica won't be willing to cut in if it is the bride-to-be you're dancing with,"

"No, no, no. They look like they are busy. How about you and I dance?" I asked hopefully. Dancing with Bella was not a good idea for me at all.

"You're joking right. You want me to leave my man exposed to the woman who eats all attractive men alive if she can possibly get close enough. My sister is way too nice to stop Jessica from getting her claws into Jasper and Jasper is too nice to be rude to her by saying no. Uh ah. I am claiming Jasper and Bella can be the smokescreen for you,"

There was nothing I could say because now we were upon Bella and Jasper and when I turned around Jessica wasn't far behind us.

"Jasper. You and I are dancing. Bella, you and Edward are too….now."

Jasper was immediately taking Alice into his arms but Bella had frozen in her place and was looking at me accusingly. Alice didn't give her time to say anything.

"Edward needs help fending off Jessica. You know how she can be Bella. Give him a break and go dance."

Bella's face softened a little and then she broke out laughing as she watched the girl come towards me from behind. I reveled in the sound because for once she seemed completely at ease with me.

"Ok Edward. Come and dance. I can't assure you that she won't side swipe me to get to you but I am willing to help you this once." Her small hand latched onto my fingers and before I could do anything else I was being dragged onto the dance floor and was again succumbing to the feelings her touch incited. I would have been way better off just allowing Jessica to take up all my attention, rather than being put in this position but it was too late; it would have looked extremely odd if I suddenly removed myself from Bella's side without even attempting to dance first.

The ending of a song was playing as I psyched myself up to being this close to Bella and then an even slower song came on meaning I had to actually hold her, not just dance opposite her. I groaned internally at the bad luck I was currently having and watched with fascination as Bella's face showed her realization of this too. She looked like she was a deer caught in the headlights of an oncoming truck and her hands intertwined into a nervous twist as if she didn't know what to do with them. My normal sense of taking control in awkward situations came to light and I placed my hand on her hip and took her hand in my other, ensuring that there was a respectable distance between the two of us. Both those points of contact sent a surge of warmth through my body but I ignored them and concentrated instead on making her feel more comfortable with me; we couldn't go through the next two weeks completely ignoring each other. Our respective friendships wouldn't allow it.

"Bella, relax. I promise I won't do anything to hurt you…. Or Peter for that matter."

She sighed quietly and her breath tickled the spot where my shoulder and neck met, making me realize that we had inadvertently stepped closer to one another without thinking.

"I'm not frightened of you Edward. That's not the issue here," Bella paused to take a look around us to ensure no-one else was taking in our conversation before she returned to a stuttering explanation. " I am just embarrassed…..and I am not the kind of person who….."

I interrupted, before she could continue and make herself out to be in the wrong, speaking softly so no-one could overhear. "Bella. What happened in the kitchen is in the past and it will stay that way. I acted out of line and I apologize. It will never, ever happen again. Let's start again and be the friends we are meant to be. Everyone else in our group gets along famously; it would be a shame if we didn't too."

The tension in her body ebbed away a little but even as she said the words to agree with me, I could still feel the undercurrent of uncertainty. "Ok. There's absolutely no reason for us not to be friends. I can hardly ignore the brother of my sister's boyfriend, now can I?" She giggled self consciously. "Not to mention Emmett's best friend. It would destroy him if he thought we couldn't get along."

I tried to match her light hearted attempt at making this more comfortable between us. "Exactly. We really have no choice. Our friends and family have really contrived between them that we MUST be friends."

Bella's shoulders shook with her chuckle and then we silently continued our dancing in a more amiable manner, keeping our bodies from touching and pretending that there was no kind of attraction still bubbling beneath the surface. It was a kind of sweet torture and I see-sawed between wanting the song to finish so that I could stop holding her and wanting it to go on for longer so that I wouldn't have to. It wasn't a relaxed dance but we had come to an understanding and that was what counted.

"Do you mind if I steal my girl away for the last dance," Peter interrupted, causing Bella to jump in my arms slightly. I released Bella into the arms of the man she belonged with and smiled with as much good will as I could muster.

"She's all yours," The words tasted like dirt in my mouth but then Peter smiled back at me before giving all his attention to Bella who was now being pulled against his body in a way I could only ever dream about. They looked so naturally right together as Bella pressed her cheek against his chest and closed her eyes in complete surrender, that it only reinforced my determination to do the right thing by both Bella and my friend Peter.

No-one could know of the appeal Bella held for me; not Peter, not my friends and most of all not Bella. It had to be buried as deep within me as possible. I'd promised Bella we could be friends and I was going to honor that; no matter how difficult the task was.


	4. Chapter 4: A Friend in Need

Chapter 4

BPOV – A Friend in Need

My world was turned upside down and I had no control of what was happening to me. Outwardly I remained calm over the next few days but inwardly I was in turmoil. I was contending with the influx of friends and family who were taking the opportunity of our wedding to come and visit New York, the need to complete the final arrangements for the wedding and then the overwhelming presence of a man who somehow made me doubt the kind of person I was. Not that Edward had been anything but perfectly gentlemanly since the night of the party. He participated in all the plans Peter had made for us as a group, or for them as male friends getting back together. He never alluded to the fact that something had passed between us that was inappropriate, instead keeping a polite distance from me and only interacting with me if the situation warranted it. He was friendly and well liked by the others in our group. I could not fault him at all.

No, Edward was not the problem; it was all me. For the first time in my life someone else had completely taken over my senses. I could be in a room and as soon as he walked in I would be aware of his presence; I didn't even have to be looking in his direction. I would feel myself tense up as I struggled not to be drawn towards him; not to betray the very real feelings I had for Peter by allowing myself to be attracted to Edward Cullen. Physical attraction was one thing but I had come to a realization that it was more than that; Edward Cullen was the whole package – beauty, personality, strength, character and I was finding it difficult to ignore, the more I got to know him. I could not understand the way I was feeling because quite honestly Peter had everything a girl could want too. I loved everything there was to love about Peter and I owed him my unfaltering allegiance and love. We had been best friends for so long that he felt like he was a part of me. I had agreed to be his wife because I knew that there was no one else out there who would ever be able to make me feel the way he did.

_I refused to believe I had been wrong in that assumption. _

_I refused to allow the attraction I had for a stranger ruin the wonderful life I would be experiencing with Peter, my best friend in this world._

_I refused to admit to myself that this was more than mere attraction._

_Edward Cullen made me doubt the person I thought I was…_

…_..and I didn't like it._

"Bella. Earth to Bella…" Angela's entreaty cut across my thoughts and made me aware that I had yet again allowed my mixed up emotions distract me from what needed to be done in the here and now.

"Oh sorry Ang. I was…"

"Are you ok?" Angela's voice was laced with concern. "You seem a little off these past few days. Is there something you want to talk to me about? You're not getting cold feet are you? They say that is a normal thing to happen before your wedding. That it is just the nerves; not really you wanting to get out of being married"

_Cold feet? Could I blame this on something as simple as nerves and cold feet? _

"Everything is fine Angela. I have been a little distracted with everything going on but I'll pull myself together. You know how I hate to be in the front of the attention. I want to marry Peter; there are no cold feet here."

She gazed at me for a few seconds more, searching for the honesty in my answer. "Ok. There has been a lot going on but you know I am here if you need me right? You are going to make a beautiful bride and you and Peter are going to be incredibly happy."

"Thanks Ang. I appreciate that."

"So what I was asking, whilst you were in your own little world, was if you agree with where I put Peter's cousins on the seating plan. Peter told me that I needed to separate James and Victoria because they are destructive together and he doesn't want any arguments on the night. What do you think if I put him here and her over here?" Angela was pointing at the seating plan we had been working on and I rubbed my forehead to alleviate some of the tension. If I had my way I would have James sitting outside completely and not even be at our wedding.

"Maybe we should check with Peter," I wasn't used to having to worry about family politics, given that my parents were both only children and I had no cousins and aunty and uncles that I needed to keep away from one another. "He will know better which cousins should sit together and which ones should be on opposite sides of the room. Who knew that being from a large family could be so problematic?"

I was shaking my head as Angela and I chuckled lightly at how difficult this whole seat arrangement was proving to be. Thank goodness it was Angela helping me and not Rosalie; she would never have the patience to ensure everyone was in the exact right places.

"What are you shaking your head at Bells?" Peter walked into the room with a huge grin on his face. "Having problems placing everyone in just the right place so we don't have a massacre on our hands?" He leant down to kiss me on the forehead and the feeling of contentment that ran through me was very welcomed. Of course Peter was everything I needed. He proved it time and time again in our everyday setting.

"Have we separated the right ones?" I indicated the plan and he scrutinized it quickly before making a couple of changes.

"You girls have done a great job here. I don't think we will be needing to call in reinforcements now…well at least during dinner anyway." He laughed at his own joke and Angela and I couldn't help but join in too. "I'm off Bella. I have a few things I need to do for mum and then I am meeting up with some of the uni guys. Are you sure you don't want to join us?"

I answered in the negative because I was actually looking forward to a night in, with only myself as company. Alice and Jasper were heading out for the night with Edward and some other friends. I had, of course declined that offer too; it seemed wise. Rosalie and Emmett had headed out of the city for a couple of days to pick up some great vintage car that they had been swooning over for months now and had finally been able to buy. Everyone was busy and I was going to take the opportunity to completely relax and pamper myself without worrying about what I should or should not be doing. I needed this slight lull in the busyness of our routine.

"Ok. As long as you are sure. I guess I will see you tomorrow night for dinner then. Enjoy the dress fitting tomorrow with the girls. I know you are going to look gorgeous," Peter grinned at me before pulling me in for a reasonably passionate kiss. Angela's ahem told us that it was something she didn't need to witness first hand.

"Oops sorry Ang. Just going to miss her, that's all."

Angela laughed at his declaration. "No problems Peter. You do realize though that in about a week and a half you won't have to leave her apartment at all. You'll be in your house together."

"Aha. …..and I, for one, can not wait. Marriage with Bella Swan. hmmm bliss." Peter tickled my side as he said the words and gave me an adoring look that always made my insides melt. "So Angela, do you need a lift home since I am driving out that way?"

"Um, sure. That is if we have finished everything here that you wanted Bella?"

"Absolutely. Thanks so much for your help Angela. I am feeling more on top of things now."

"Cool. I will see you at the dress fitting tomorrow then. It was three wasn't it?" Angela was excited about the prospect of seeing how our dresses looked completely finished. I laughed that my bridesmaids were probably more excited about it than the actual bride.

Peter and Angela left and I was alone. Relief soaked through to my very core. I had not had one moment where it was just me since before the party the weekend before. I decided I was going to do absolutely nothing to do with the wedding; tonight was all about me and what I enjoyed doing. In following that plan I grabbed my well worn version of Romeo and Juliet and hankered down into my couch for the guilty pleasure of reading about my favourite characters. Delving into their lives would make me forget about my own for a little while and the prospect was tantalizing.

Hours passed without any interruption from the outside world and it was something I was thankful for. I did not allow myself to dwell on the mechanics of planning a wedding; I did not think about a green eyed male who sent my senses into a spin whenever he was around and I did not imagine what Peter would be feeling if he knew the disquiet I was experiencing since Edward Cullen had walked into our party. I concentrated solely on the characters in my book and lost myself into the romance of such a strong and compelling love. My only break was to move from the couch into the bath which I filled with bubbles; sliding into that bath was heavenly and I felt a little decadent as I sipped away at a glass of wine while I continued my foray into someone elses life.

My little bubble burst with the ringing of a phone; not mine but Peters. I hastily pulled myself out of the bath and wrapped a towel around me, allowing the ringtone to guide me to the spot where Peter had obviously left his phone earlier this afternoon. I managed to find it on the counter before it stopped and was kind of breathless by the time I pushed the accept button. That was nothing in comparison to the panic I heard in my sisters voice when I answered.

"Bella. Where is Peter? I need Peter?"

"Alice. What's wrong? Peter is out for the night. He accidently left his phone here earlier when he was fixing that leak for us."

"Shoot. Bella. I can't do this on my own. I need Peter or Edward. Can you get in touch with Peter?"

"I'm not sure where he is Alice and since his mobile is with me I can't ring him. What's going on? I thought Edward was with you guys."

"He was but we left him at Trinity Place because Jasper and I were meeting some other friends to go dancing and he didn't feel like it. I've tried calling him but he isn't answering and the police will not let Jasper into my care. They say he could be a danger to me but that's ridiculous. He would never hurt me, no matter what but they said I needed to get a male down here to make bail. I really don't want to bring anyone else into this but if I can't get in touch with Peter or Edward….."

"Whoa. Whoa, whoa. Why in god's name are you talking about bail for Jasper? Has something happened to you? Are you hurt?"

Alice proceeded to give me a quick summary of what had happened at the club they'd been too and how Jasper had lost it to the point of pummeling the offending guy. They were now down at the police station and Alice was petrified that our father would find out and think badly of Jasper. She did have a point.

"Look I'll head down to the Trinity and see if Edward is still there. If he is I will bring him down to try and fix this situation. Hold tight sis. We'll be there soon."

I quickly pulled on a pair of jeans and a hoodie, pulled my hair back into a pigtail and hightailed it out of the apartment to find Edward. I wasn't sure what I would do if he wasn't at the bar anymore. Alice and Jasper had left him hours ago.

Luck was on my side because I immediately saw him as I scanned the bar once I arrived. It didn't pass my attention that I was instantly drawn to the spot where he was sitting and it didn't escape me that there was a quick acceleration of my heart beat when I saw he wasn't alone. There was a petite blonde sitting with him and they were laughing as if they were long time friends. I chose to ignore my obvious reaction of jealousy and concentrated on why I was here; to help Jasper.

Edward's widened eyes, as he noticed me moving towards him, was kind of comical if the situation hadn't been so serious. His eyes flicked towards the woman sitting beside him, with her back to me so that she wasn't aware of my approach. He excused himself and met me before I could get to him. I wondered if that was for my benefit or hers.

"Bella. What's wrong?"

"I'm sorry for interrupting your date but…."

"I'm not on a date," His face scrunched up in confusion and he let out a breath as his glance returned to the girl who was now looking at us with curiosity. He cocked his head slightly to her and she gave him a small wave of understanding. "What are you doing here?"

"Jasper needs your help and they couldn't get in touch with you, so here I am." He was about to interrupt me but I held my hand up so I could continue. "He has been taken down to the police station because he lost control and beat someone up pretty badly. We need you to come down to post bail."

Edward's face drained of all color and he moved to guide us both out of the bar, before I could finish my explanation.

"Is the other guy alright?" Edward questioned through gritted teeth.

"I think so. Alice was pretty upset and all I got out of her was that Jasper lost complete control when the other guy started taunting him about being a marine. The bar called the cops and they took him into custody."

Edward hailed a cab and gave the address that I recited for him. The two of us sat in the backseat in uncomfortable silence; Edward running his fingers through his hair in agitation. When he spoke I was surprised by the turn in the conversation.

"This is my fault," He breathed the proclamation whilst he looked out the window at the buildings flashing by.

"Sorry? How so?"

"I should have stayed with them. I should have been there when some idiot thought he could mouth of about marines. I could have calmed Jasper down before it got out of control."

I was confused. Why did Edward feel responsible for something that clearly wasn't his fault?

"I don't mean to be rude but is this a normal occurrence? And how on earth can you be expected to babysit your brother when you are usually living on a completely different continent to him? This isn't your responsibility Edward."

Edward's eyes glinted in the semi darkness of the cab as he trained them on me. I could see the anguish there and it made me want to reach out in comfort. My hands never left their place in my lap.

"No, no, no. This has never happened before but I should have known that he could snap at any time after what he's been through. You have to believe me when I say Jasper is the most gentle soul around, tough but compassionate. He wants to make a difference in the world by helping, not hurting. It is going to kill him that he's done this, no matter the reasoning behind it."

Everything Edward was saying rang true. Jasper had shown nothing but consideration, gentleness, humor and care towards everyone over the past few weeks he'd been here. It was hard to match that up with the person who'd just been arrested for beating someone up.

"What happened to him Edward? Why is it different now?"

Edward exhaled and his forehead furrowed in contemplation. I knew he was struggling with what to tell me.

"Look Bella. It's not really my place to tell but given where we are heading now and knowing that you must be worried about your sister, I think you deserve an explanation. He is going to need our help; all of ours and I am going to encourage him to tell you all anyway once we get this sorted. There is no other way."

"You can trust me Edward. I won't tell a soul."

Edward's quick explanation of what had happened to Jasper in Afghanistan helped me understand Edward's concern and made my heart ache for what Jasper had been through and what he was trying to deal with on his own. His team had been ambushed during an operation where they were moving some women and children to a safer area. Jasper had witnessed death and destruction on a level that no one should ever have to encounter. Jasper had fought until he had nothing left in him and had woken up in hospital, badly injured but alive. The same could not be said for some of his team members and friends; nor many of the women and children that had been in their care. It was something that had been haunting him ever since.

"Oh, god. I had no idea he was dealing with all that. He seems so…..so together." I thought back over the past few weeks for any indication of the depth of turmoil Jasper must have been experiencing. There was nothing. He seemed so carefree and happy in our presence. He was always joking and there was always a smile on his face. He had been hiding this so well."

"I know. I was kind of surprised when I got here to see him so happy. The last time I saw him was at the hospital in Germany and he looked like death warmed up. I wasn't expecting such a vast improvement when I saw him again. I was hoping, of course, but not really expecting. I put it down to Alice, and also being here for Peter. He loves your sister, Bella and I have no doubt that he would have tried to pull himself together for Peter's benefit too." Edward fidgeted with his hands, not looking at me now. "It seems that a chink has just been made in his armor."

The cab had pulled up outside the police station without us realizing, so consumed we were in the conversation we were having. When the cab driver asked us if this was it, we were both pulled out of the intensity of the moment. Edward paid whilst I scrambled out onto the footpath. When Edward emerged I lightly placed my hand on his forearm and he looked down at it in surprise.

"We'll be there for him, Edward. All of us will."

He nodded with a half smile and I dropped my hand so that we could walk into the station. The moment we walked in Alice was upon us.

"Oh thank god. They won't let me in there to speak to him but I can see him through there and he's like a caged animal." She pointed towards the back of the room where some of the cells were just visible. Every now and again I could see Jasper as he paced back and forth. Once his fist found the iron bars and I winced at the pain that must have given him.

"They say he could be a danger to me but that can't be true. If they'd let me in to see him I could calm him down and they'd see the real Jasper. I just know he would never hurt me….would he Edward?"

Edward grabbed the tops of Alice's shoulders gently to try and alleviate some of her agitation as he stared her straight in the eye.

"No Alice. I don't believe he could ever hurt you. Not knowingly, anyway."

Alice relaxed a little and then she looked at him with pleading eyes as she whispered. "Will you help him?"

"That's what I am here for Alice. It will all be ok." Alice stepped forward into the safety of his arms as he circled her small frame in comfort. I had to turn away before I started imagining what that must feel like; being so close to his warmth and care.

Edward let go of Alice to approach the desk and within minutes of signing a variety of papers he was being escorted towards the cell holding his brother.

I watched in fascinated trepidation as the two men faced one another through the bars. Jasper's hands were clinging to the bars and Edward instantly had his own up covering his brothers in support. Jasper's forehead was leaning against the cold metal and Edward was speaking lowly to him. We couldn't hear the conversation being played out but when something Edward said resulted in Jasper sliding slowly to the floor and Edward mimicking his movement so that they were sitting cross legged across from one another, without their hands relinquishing their hold, Alice gasped and I knew we were witnessing a moment better left between the two of them. My aim was to distract Alice.

"Are you ok?" She was hard to budge but she eventually moved over to a chair and we sat down heavily.

"I don't know what happened, Bella. The others had left and we were having one last drink before we were going too. There was a television on behind the bar we were sitting at and a bulletin came on about some casualties in Afghanistan. I knew that would be hard for Jasper to hear but he was kind of in a trance watching it. Before I could suggest we should leave, this drunk guy next to us started sprouting off about how we shouldn't be over there at all and anyone who was willing to go over there and fight was nothing but a murderer. I have never seen Jasper's face so devoid of emotion, Bella. It was like he was a completely different person but he was still in control so I wasn't frightened or anything. He told the guy he should show more respect for the people who were willing to risk their lives for peace; that they were over there to help the people not harm them. The guy realized that he was actually talking to a marine and that was it. He got into Jasper's face and I only caught glimpses of what he said to Jazz but soon Jasper lost all control and the guy was on the floor at his feet. It took two other patrons, the bar tender and me to get Jasper off the guy. I was so scared for him, Bella. It wasn't the same person I've been seeing for the past few weeks. I would never have dreamed him capable of inflicting such damage; of being so out of control."

I placed my arm around Alice's shoulders and pulled her towards me, offering the only thing I could; a shoulder to cry on. I had absolutely no idea how this was all going to pan out but I was worried for my sister. Jasper was a good guy but what if what he had been through made him lash out at her, without meaning to?

"I saw the moment he realized what he had done. His face just collapsed with the understanding that he had hurt this guy. I had almost calmed him down when the police arrived and dragged him off. They wouldn't let me stay with him but I know he needed me. He needed me to get back to himself; to help him get rid of whatever demons pushed him to that point. When they wouldn't even let me arrange the bail for him so I could take him home and try and help him, I was beside myself. I needed help too. I am sorry for dragging you into this."

"Alice, never apologise to me for asking for help. That's what sisters are for. Edward will sort this out and then we can take Jasper home and hopefully he can shed some light on what happened for him at that bar. What he did was wrong but it sounds to me like he had been trying to deal with things on his own rather than rely on those of us who love him. We can make him understand that he is not alone. We can help him ensure that something like this does not happen again."

Alice's shoulders straightened with my words of encouragement and she thanked me for not thinking badly of her boyfriend. Little did she know that I had my own understanding of what might have been behind his loss of control; I was hoping she would be more aware by the end of the night but it wasn't for me to tell.

When Edward and Jasper made their way back to where we were sitting, the drawn looks on their faces spoke a million words but Jasper seemed so much calmer. Alice stood up and hesitatingly searched Jasper's face for any idea how she should react to him.

"I'm sorry Alice," His voice was so soft that we almost didn't hear it but Alice's reaction was immediate. She took a few steps before throwing her arms around him and burying her face into his chest. He held onto her tightly and I moved my attention from them to Edward was waiting patiently for them to finish. He gave me a half hearted smile but I could tell he was exhausted so I chose to interrupt the moment.

"Let's get home and to a bit more privacy." I waved my hand around the relatively busy station and it brought everyone back to the reality of where we were. "I'm glad you are ok Jasper."

Jasper and Alice began walking towards the door after he collected a couple of things the police had taken off him when he had been put into his cell. I stayed behind and fell into step with Edward, whispering so that only the two of us could hear.

"Are you alright?"

He was about to answer when a voice from our right caused him to freeze and stare daggers at the drunk man who was leaning against the counter and ogling me.

"What? Not the sharing type of a fellow ha? What can I say? I have a thing for luscious brunette's who are as sexy as your woman is there."

"Watch your mouth," Edward growled at him and the anger emanating off him was daunting. The police officer who was dealing with the drunk gave Edward a warning glare before asking the stranger to concentrate on what he was doing.

"I can't help it if I appreciate babes, officer." When the drunk turned back to smirk at us, Edward unconsciously put his arm around my waist and pulled me closer in a protective movement. If I wasn't so overwhelmed by the feeling of us being so close, I would have probably laughed at the display of testosterone.

"Nope that one's definitely not into sharing. He's keeping her as close as possible and I suppose I can't blame him. You know where I am if you change your mind sexy."

"Yeh, because this is like your second home, isn't it Roger? Come on, stop harassing the poor couple." The officer shook his head at the man's antics and teasing words.

Edward's anger had melted a little but I wasn't going to risk any further engagement with the drunk.

"Come on Edward before we have to bail two Cullens out of here tonight. Goodness I would hate to see what you would be like if the guy was actually ogling your girlfriend, not just me." I meant to lighten up the mood but Edward's reaction was anything but relaxed. He jumped away from me as if he had been burned and his face went a bright red. The loss of his arms around my waist was not a good feeling at all.

"I'm so sorry Bella. I wasn't thinking. It has just been one of those nights I guess." He stuffed his hands into the pockets of his jeans and gave a sullen look towards Jasper and Alice who were still in a close embrace, whispering their own private thoughts to one another. "I'm just so…..tired." He pinched the bridge of his nose between his thumb and finger and I really wanted to smooth out all his worries for him.

Concern laced my voice. "It's ok, Edward. Let's get us all home and we can work out what to do next."

"Sounds like a plan," Edward motioned to the cab that had pulled up, for us to get into, and waited as Alice and Jasper slid in. Before I could follow suit, he gently touched my shoulder. "Thanks for your help tonight, Bella. Jasper and I both appreciate it."

"Don't sweat it Edward. That's what friends do for one another,"

"Well thank goodness for good friends then."

The four of us were silent on the ride home, each of us loss in our own thoughts of what this night had meant to us. Something told me that the night was not finished yet and I needed to somehow fortify myself in preparation for what was still to come. I felt like I was on an emotional roller coaster and I wondered idly when I would be able to hop off again.


	5. Chapter 5:Realizations

Chapter 5

EPOV - Realizations

One moment I was laughing companionably with Jane over some stupid story she was telling me about work and the next minute I was experiencing the tingly feeling that told me that Bella was not too far away. It concerned me that I was aware of her before I even looked up and it concerned me even more that when I finally saw her, making her way towards me, that my throat constricted with the knowledge that she looked beautiful dressed in nothing but a plain pair of jeans and a light blue hoodie. She appeared freshly showered and completely natural with not a trace of anything on her face; hair pulled back from it. Everyone in this bar was dressed up for a night out on the town but Bella far outshone them in the beauty stakes and that, quite frankly, annoyed the hell out of me. I wanted her to be nothing to me and here I was yet again, admiring something that quite clearly was never going to be mine.

I made the quick decision to stand and meet up with her before she got to where Jane and I were sitting. I told Jane that something had come up that I needed to sort out and she agreed readily saying a brief goodbye. My attention was no longer on her though; I was totally engrossed in getting to Bella and finding out what had brought her to this bar. Something told me that there was a problem.

"Bella. What's wrong?"

"I'm sorry for interrupting your date but…."

_She thought I was on a date? That was so far from the truth it wasn't funny. I was having a hard enough time just keeping her out of my head, let alone trying to do the whole dating scene._

"I'm not on a date," I looked back at Jane who was watching us with interest. I was going to have some explaining to do when I next saw her but that was something to worry about later. She gave me a quick wave and I knew that she would be understanding.

"What are you doing here?" I hoped my tone wasn't as sharp as it sounded to my own ears. She had me worried by just being here.

"Jasper needs your help and they couldn't get in touch with you, so here I am."

_Jasper? What was wrong with him? Why couldn't they get in touch with me?_

I was about to voice my questions but her hand held up stopped me.

"He has been taken down to the police station because he lost control and beat someone up pretty badly. We need you to come down to post bail."

_My brother beating someone up? No way._

_Jasper in a prison cell waiting for help? I couldn't imagine it._

_But yet here was Be_lla _telling me it was so and when I thought about it, it shouldn't surprise me that Jasper had finally cracked. He had been doing ridiculously well considering everything and I shouldn't have become complacent._

"Is the other guy alright?"

_Please tell me he is going to be ok. If Jasper had hurt him too badly then he will never forgive himself. This will set him bac_k _so far and it will be hard for him to come back from it._

"I think so. Alice was pretty upset and all I got out of her was that Jasper lost complete control when the other guy started taunting him about being a marine. The bar called the cops and they took him into custody."

Somehow I managed to function enough to get us a cab and once inside the silence allowed me to continue reprimanding myself.

"This is my fault," I didn't realize that I had said the words aloud until Bella answered me.

"Sorry? How so?"

"I should have stayed with them. I should have been there when some idiot thought he could mouth of about marines. I could have calmed Jasper down before it got out of control."

Bella was clearly confused by my assertion. How could I explain what I meant without breaking Jasper's confidence?

"I don't mean to be rude but is this a normal occurrence? And how on earth can you be expected to babysit your brother when you are usually living on a completely different continent to him? This isn't your responsibility Edward."

She was thinking that Jasper had some sort of anger management problem and I couldn't blame her for that assumption but it still hurt to think it. I wanted her to think as highly of my brother as I did. He wasn't some monster who went around beating people up. Generally he was the one who calmed volatile situations down. Somehow he had lost his way tonight. I had to make her understand that.

"No, no, no. This has never happened before but I should have known that he could snap at any time after what he's been through. You have to believe me when I say Jasper is the most gentle soul around, tough but compassionate. He wants to make a difference in the world by helping, not hurting. It is going to kill him that he's done this, no matter the reasoning behind it."

I could see through her expressions that she was considering my words for the truth they were. She had been spending time with him lately. She must see him as the good person he was.

"What happened to him Edward? Why is it different now?"

My thoughts were conflicted. On one hand I felt that Bella deserved to know what Jasper had been through since she had been dragged into his business but on the other hand I wanted to support my brother and his need to keep this within our family only. He hadn't even revealed his story to Peter who was his best friend in the world. Did I have the right to do my own story telling? One look at Bella's concerned eyes told me what I would be willing to do.

"Look Bella. It's not really my place to tell but given where we are heading now and knowing that you must be worried about your sister, I think you deserve an explanation. He is going to need our help; all of ours and I am going to encourage him to tell you all anyway once we get this sorted. There is no other way."

"You can trust me Edward. I won't tell a soul." There was not a single thought in my mind that she would betray that trust. How I was so sure of that, I could not know but I went with it anyway, telling her of the hardships Jasper had been through whilst in Afghanistan. It made me feel physically ill, knowing that Jasper had almost been killed amongst the other marines who had lost their lives. The fact that he had the ghosts of women and children on his conscience as well seemed extremely wrong to me. I had been the first of the family to his side when he had been taken to the hospital in Germany and I had been there when he awoke to the realization that he was one of very few survivors. It had been a hard time for him and was something I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy.

"Oh, god. I had no idea he was dealing with all that. He seems so…..so together."

I agreed with her, explaining how I had been surprised by how well he was doing when I got here. I also told her I thought that had to do with the love he felt for Alice and the strong connection he had with Peter. I did not hide my concern about the cracks that were now showing. I knew Jasper was going to need help. I just hoped that he would let all of us help him.

All too soon I found myself paying for the cab and stepping out to join Bella on the sidewalk. She reached out by placing her hand on my arm and I almost moaned at that simple touch. I had done everything possible over the past few days to make sure there was never any kind of touching between us. It had been hard and now here she was breaking my self imposed rule without even thinking about it. It was difficult to concentrate on her words.

"We'll be there for him, Edward. All of us will."

Her encouragement helped me believe that this would all turn out ok and we walked together into the police station ready to help my brother.

Alice was beside herself with worry over Jasper and I inwardly thanked god that he had found someone who would be willing to stick by him no matter what. She might not understand what was happening but she was not running away in abject terror. That had to bode well for their relationship. I gave her what support I could and then made my way in to see Jasper.

His face was haunted as we faced each other. He was slumped in dejection and all I could do was offer my hands as a form of physical support, over the top of his. The touch seemed to calm him so I started to let him know that we were going to leave soon.

"What happened Jazz?"

"Oh god Edward. Alice, is she alright?"

"She is but she doesn't know what is going on Jasper. She doesn't deserve to see you lose control like that; especially when it is so out of character. You need to explain and you need our help."

He slid down onto the floor. I didn't let go and followed him to the ground.

"She deserves better than me. I can't go out there and face her." Jasper's anguish felt like it was my own.

"She deserves the best Jazz and that is you. Don't lose sight of the bigger picture here; tonight was a huge mistake but it is not who you normally are. You need to stop trying to deal with this on your own and let others in. Alice should be the first."

"I beat the crap out of that guy, Edward. I could see myself doing it and I knew it was the wrong thing to do but I couldn't stop. All I could hear was him saying that marines were nothing but paid killers, that I was a murderer and you know what; I knew what he was saying was true. It doesn't matter how you look at it I was involved in those women and children dying. I was meant to protect them and I didn't."

"Jasper, what happened was not your fault. You were lucky to get out of there alive. Some people here are ignorant of the job the men and women are doing over there. You are over there, not only because your country says so, but also because you care; because you want to help. They don't see the pain you have to endure to do your job; they don't see the loss you have to cope with when your friends are injured or killed; they don't see the guilt. Jasper I know you; I know that this is eating away at you and that you feel like you should have died, along with everyone else but it is not true. We need you; your family need you, your friends need you and now Alice needs you too. You have to deal with what happened instead of ignoring it and believing it will go away, if you just act happy enough. Every single one of your family and friends would be willing to do whatever it takes to make this easier for you. You have an amazing life ahead of you Jasper; respect the people you lost by making sure you live it to the best of your ability. Hitting jerks in public bars is not the way to go about that. Making sure that the amazing woman who is sitting out there, waiting for you in a cop shop, understands what is happening to you and how she can help. That is a step in the right direction."

Several minutes passed where Jasper shared his fears and insecurities with me. I listened as he opened his heart and revealed every little emotion he had been feeling since the day of the attack; the guilt of surviving, the pain of recuperating, the horror of his dreams, the hope of meeting Alice and finally the understanding that he could no longer do this on his own. It felt like a huge step forward and besides the fact that we were currently sitting on the floor of a prison cell I believed we had achieved something tonight.

"Are you ready to go home Jasper?" His reaction was to stand unsteadily and then hold himself straight.

"Ready."

I nodded at the officer who had been standing a little way away from us to let him know that I thought Jasper would be ok. We walked out together. There was no great display of exuberance or elation; just a knowing that Jasper had done wrong but was willing to fix it. I was exhausted and I was sure he was too.

I wasn't sure how Alice would react to Jasper as we neared the two girls. I needn't have feared because after a soft apology from my brother she was instantly in his arms and it was very apparent that she was going nowhere. They had found each other and they would make it work, regardless of the difficulties. Bella was looking at me with those soulful eyes and I half smiled at her. If only I could have the same option. I would be willing to face almost any difficulties if it meant Bella would be at the end of it. Hell, how had she got under my skin so deeply without doing anything at all? A future husband was one difficulty that could never be addressed though and nothing could change that.

"Are you alright?" I watched Jasper carefully as he grabbed his things from the officer at the desk and then turned to answer Bella's question but instead focused in on the drunken voice that was making me see red.

"Now that is one piece of booty I wouldn't mind having to share a cell with."

When I looked over to see that his words were aimed at Bella I couldn't contain my fury and growled threateningly at the jerk to watch his mouth. He continued to mouth off and it made my tension increase. Without thinking I was soon pulling Bella into my side as if the motion would stop the drunks taunting. I had never felt so angry in my life and it wasn't until Bella lightheartedly suggested that I was overreacting that I regained enough sense to notice my arm around her. It had been an automatic response to draw her nearer for protection but now I was completely embarrassed.

"I'm so sorry Bella. I wasn't thinking. It has just been one of those nights I guess." I forced my hands into my pockets so that I wouldn't be tempted to reach out and touch her again. When I looked over to see Jasper and Alice so comfortably close to one another, even after the events of the night, it made me realize just how alone I was and how it was likely to stay that way for a long time to come due to the strength of feelings I was experiencing for Bella. I couldn't imagine having to compare others with her now. They would all come in second best.

"I'm just so…..tired."

"It's ok, Edward. Let's get us all home and we can work out what to do next."

Our destination was Bella and Alice's apartment. As soon as we entered I found myself distracted by everything around me; this was a piece of Bella's world that would give me glimpses into her as a person. Even though nothing could ever come out of that knowledge I still hungered for it. The girl's personalities were very strongly reflected and it was blatantly evident which aspects of the homely apartment were done for Bella and what was all Alice. Still the overall look was cohesive and welcoming.

I had been so caught up in checking out the parts of the apartment I could see that I didn't notice Alice and Jasper leave our company to make their way into what I could only assume was Alice's bedroom.

"I guess they have some talking to do, huh?" Bella nodded towards the closed door as I came out of my reverie. She smiled at my distracted look and then offered me a drink. I agreed to a coffee in the hope that it would keep me awake for a while longer. I wasn't willing to leave the girl's alone with Jasper right now even though I didn't really believe he would lose it again. However I wasn't sure how Alice would react to his revelations and that made me nervous about how he would respond to her reactions. It was better for me to be here in case he needed calming again.

I was almost dozing when Bella returned to the living room with two cups of steaming coffee. I tried really hard to focus on what I should be doing rather than on how her hands slightly shook as she put the cup down in front of me or how wisps of her hair were falling out of her ponytail giving her the appearance of a slightly disheveled goddess. I took a breath and realized this was not the best place for me to be right now. I was feeling particularly vulnerable after such an emotional evening with my brother. The temptation was too great.

"Will Peter be coming back here tonight?" My question surprised her and she appeared dazed for a few seconds.

"No. Why?" Nervousness had crept into her voice.

"I was hoping he would be, so that I didn't have to leave you with the Jasper situation. I would feel better if someone was here, just in case," Her panicked eyes made me add more. "Not that I think there will be a problem. It's just that he is a little overwhelmed about everything at the moment. I don't want him to think I have left him alone to deal with it after I told him I would be here for him."

"Oh. Sorry Edward but Peter has no intention of coming here tonight. He's going to his own place and I can't contact him. He left his phone here today."

"Maybe I should drag Jasper home with me then?" I was unsure of what to do.

"They need to sort this out Edward. I know it's late but give them some time. If you feel more comfortable, you can stay for the night. The couch isn't too bad to sleep on."

Not the best idea but Bella was right; Jasper and Alice needed this time and me dragging Jasper out could only make a bad situation worse. I could deal with a night of discomfit if it meant Jasper would be better off in the morning. I hesitated before I nodded my agreeance.

"Thanks again Bella."

"No problems. Let me get some blankets and a pillow for you." She disappeared and I grudgingly took my shoes off before loosening my shirt out of the jeans I was wearing. I laid back trying to relax but it was near impossible when I knew that I was about to be under the same roof for the night as the girl who had been monopolizing my dreams for the past few days. I closed my eyes against the images that crossed my mind and when I heard Bella return to the room I didn't open them again. It might be easier if I minimized our interactions by making her believe I had fallen asleep. I deepened my breathing so that I could back up my ruse and Bella appeared to believe that the exhaustion I had been displaying earlier had finally claimed me. She draped a blanket over the top of me and gently lifted my head to put the pillow under it. I stirred slightly as if to make myself more comfortable but every sense I had was centred on the fact that Bella was leaning over me and it would be so easy just to pull her down to feel her against me.

"Goodnight Edward," Bella whispered and then she was gone and I was left to fall asleep the best way I could.

The next night saw me sitting alone in a bar wondering what the hell was wrong with me. I noted that the bar tender was giving me furtive looks every now and again and I could only imagine that it was because I had been hitting the drink in quite a strong way and he was worried that I was going to make some kind of scene. I had no intention of doing so; all I wanted to do was stop thinking of a certain vision of a brown eyed beauty that was replaying over and over in my head. I was definitely being punished for something and I was very close to leaving New York City just so I didn't have to experience it any longer.

Earlier today, I had left Bella's apartment extremely early so that I could evade the possibility of having to sit across from Bella at breakfast and pretend that she meant nothing to me. I quickly checked Jasper and found him to be still asleep, his arms wrapped around Alice as if there was nothing more important to him than her. It made me believe that I was free to leave and I took the opportunity as quickly as I could, only stopping long enough to scrawl a quick note thanking the girls for putting me up for the night.

There was some relief in getting back to Emmett's apartment and have it to myself for a few hours. Emmett and Rosalie were due back mid morning and I knew they would be busy for the afternoon with wedding fittings and the like. For the umpteenth time I thanked my lucky stars that I was not part of the bridal party at all and therefore not forced into situations where I would have to stand side by side with Bella and still act natural.

My morning was uneventful and the return of Rosalie and Emmett gave me some respite from my own company and annoying thoughts, when they excitedly showed me the beautiful vintage car they had purchased. Rosalie had every intention of doing some mechanical work on the car to get it up to speed but she told me she would be waiting until after the wedding to do it. Her reminder of the wedding put a damper on my somewhat improved mood and I reverted back to the sulky demeanor I had been in all morning. Neither of them commented on it at all and I hoped it was because it was not as apparent as it felt for me.

Both Rosalie and Emmett left for their respective appointments and I breathed easily again. If I was going to be all mopey I would prefer to be doing it in private. The afternoon passed slowly as I answered a few work emails and made a few phone calls to ensure everything was running smoothly in my absence.

My phone beeped with an incoming message and I retrieved it from my pocket to see who was trying to contact me.

_Need a favour Ed. Rose left wallet at home. Could u take down to her? – Em_

Great. Here I was aiming for a Bella ( and therefore temptation) free day and I was being sent into the lion's den, so to speak.

_No probs. Where?- E_

Emmett returned with a text that gave the address of the designer shop the girls were having their fitting at and a heartfelt thanks for helping out. I couldn't deny my mate such a simple request even though I very childishly felt like doing exactly that. I convinced myself that I could get down there and hand over the wallet before absconding as quickly as possible. There was no reason for me to interact with Bella at all; she would be too busy worrying about wedding things anyway. It would all be alright.

I breathed a sigh of relief when I got down to the store to find that there was a woman up front who I could hand the wallet over to and be done with the job. That didn't work though because she was quite insistent that I must hand it over myself, directing me to the room where I was apparently going to find the girls. My combined agitation and reluctance went unnoticed by her as I walked through the white halls and stood in front of the slightly ajar door, preparing myself for the onslaught of emotions I was soon to have. I knocked timidly and an unknown voice called for me to come in.

_I was going to be casually cool._

_I was going to give Rosalie her wallet and then go along my merry way._

_I wasn't going to be affected at all._

I walked through the door with my pep talk still ringing in my head.

"Sorry girls for disturb….." Every intention went down the drain. Every little ounce of self respect went flying out the window and I was left feeling breathless and reeling because…

I had never, ever seen anything or anyone who looked more beautiful than what Bella did in that instant, as she gazed at me with startled eyes and a slight reddening of her cheeks. My thoughts raged as my eyes drank in the metallic whiteness of her elegant dress clinging to her petite form like a glove before it draped around her lower body in all its fullness. The translucent skin of her exposed shoulders and the fluid movement of her hair, contrasted against them, was nearly my undoing as I stood and stared at her perfection. A small furrow had appeared in between her eyes and I saw fear there. It made me wake up from my frozen stance and take a step further into the room. The women on her knees at Bella's feet, held the material of the dress but all her attention was on me. Somehow I had been so engrossed in the vision of Bella that I not registered that she was even there.

"Um. Sorry Bella. I have Rosalie's wallet. Emmett asked me to bring it to her."

Bella did not speak and the woman stood and excused herself for a moment, telling Bella that she was not to move, leaving Bella and I alone. The silence stretched between us and Bella looked completely uncomfortable; my initial reaction must have been too revealing.

"Thank you for doing that for Rosalie, Edward," Bella spoke with a little shake to her words.

_What would it be like to take a few steps and pull her tightly into myself? Cup her chin lovingly so that I could lose myself in those expressive eyes? Brush her hair away from her blushing face? Trace the shape of her full lips? Lean my head down so that her lips were ever so close to mine and I could feel the warmth of her breath on my mouth? Imagine that she was wearing that dress for me…"_

Shoot. I dragged myself out of the daydream, aware almost instantly that Bella was searching my face for something.

"Are you ok Edward? You look kind of funny."

"What? um. Oh sure." Incoherent mess; that was me. I was a complete loser.

"That's good. I was beginning to think your reaction was because I look bad in the dress," She had taken on a joking tone now but I could still see the uncertainty behind her tone. She couldn't possibly not see how beautiful she was? Surely?

"Bella. You look….. you look stunning."

Her head tilted down demurely but her eyes did not leave mine and I found it difficult to break the gaze until a sound behind me alerted us to the fact that we were no longer alone.

"Hey, Edward. Thanks for bringing that down for me," Rosalie stopped still all of a sudden as she took in our appearances and all of a sudden she looked wary. Her words were very calculated when she spoke next but I didn't miss the inference there. "Emmett was too busy with Peter to be able to get down here."

I needed to escape this cloying environment. I needed to put distance between myself and Bella's alarmed expression and Rosalie's sudden awareness. I needed to deny the truth I had just grasped fully.

I had fallen in love with Bella Swan.

And she deserved to not have her future destroyed because of it.

I quickly thrust the wallet at Rosalie and darted out of the room, muttering some sort of nonsense about needing to do a few things.

That had been hours ago and the end result was that I was now sitting in this bar, feeling completely out of my depth with nothing to do but scull drink after drink in the hopes it would somehow temper this impossible attraction. A woman approached and I considered letting her help me forget but I couldn't do it, no matter my inebriated state, and she left after realizing I wasn't going to succumb to her charms. Disrespecting women had never been my forte and I wasn't about to start now just because my emotions were all askew.

"So this is where you're hiding out?" Emmett sat on the stool next to me and ordered his own drink before turning to face me. I wasn't in the mood for Emmett's simplistic views about life right now and scowled at him.

"Just wanted some time to myself. Have a few drinks. You know how it is."

"I can see that," He said nothing more; sitting there quietly as we both nursed our beers. The lack of communication finally got to me and I decided to vent. Emmett was my best friend. If I couldn't speak to him, who could I speak to? And then the guilt hit yet again because Emmett was also Peter and Bella's friend and he wasn't going to be happy with what I was about to reveal. Still…if I didn't let this out I was going to combust and I could make a bad situation so much worse unintentionally.

"I've done something really stupid."

Emmett did not look in my direction at all, instead choosing to continue staring into his glass. "Hmmmmm?"

"I….I've kind of…." I looked at him pleadingly and now he was looking right back at me with sympathy in his eyes.

"Bella?"

The word startled me and my mouth opened in shock before closing again in a groan. Apparently my attraction wasn't as well hidden as I'd hoped .

"How did you know?"

"I've known you for a long enough time to know when you're struggling with something and I've seen the connection there is between the two of you, even when you are trying to ignore one another."

"Great….just great." My head dropped onto my folded arms and I looked sideways at him. "Does any one else realize?"

"Rosalie." Emmett's answer made me groan again. "She was actually the one who rang me to let me know you might need someone to talk to. She told me about you seeing Bella in her wedding dress. Must have been hard."

"You have no idea," I mumbled.

"So what are you going to do?"

"There's nothing I can do Em. Any other woman I would have fought for. I have very stupidly fallen for a woman who is getting married next week. Peter is a friend and I would never dream of upsetting his life but god, just being around her makes me feel like it should have been us as a couple, not them. I've fought it all week and it hasn't helped at all. The more I see her, the more I feel like she is the one. How stupid is that,"

"Not stupid, just unfortunate." Emmett concluded in an even voice. He was trying so hard to be supportive even though he knew I was in the wrong.

"If I could, I would leave right now to make certain I don't cause any problems but after what happened with Jazz last night I feel I need to stay to help him out. I won't abandon him just because I am feeling uncomfortable."

"Yeah, Jasper told us everything today while we finalizing the suits. He's not in the best of places at the moment but he is determined to get help and I agree that you need to be one of the main people to give it to him."

We sat with our own thoughts for a little while and then I decided to get over myself. I only had to last another week and a half before the wedding and then Bella would be off on her honeymoon and way out of my reach. I could then concentrate on getting my brother better and then I would leave to head back to Paris and my normal life. I wasn't a seventeen year old boy anymore; I was an adult who successfully ran a business and one who sure as anything could handle a little infatuation in a mature way.

_If only it was a little infatuation. _My traitor thoughts needed to be crushed. They weren't helping at all.

I was about to tell Emmett what I had been thinking when he gave a little semi wave and his girlfriends name came from his lips. No way. I did not need to see Rosalie right now.

"I take it your girlfriend is heading our way?" He winced at the accusation behind my words but only nodded. "Well I guess that is my cue for the night to be over. I will leave the two of you to it, shall I?" I stood in readiness of leaving the bar but I was too late; my escape was blocked by Rosalie.

"Not so quick Romeo. You and I need to talk." Rosalie pushed me back down onto the stool and leant over to give Emmett a quick kiss. "Glad to see we weren't having to look for you all night Edward. That would have really made me angry."

"Let me make this as quick and painless as I can Edward because regardless, you are Emmett's friend and by default I have to love you. This thing going on between you and Bella needs to stop, ok."

"There's nothing going on….."

"Yeah, yeah. That's what she said too but I was there today. I saw the looks between the two of you. I was there when you left and Bella burst into tears…."

"Hey, hey hey. What do you mean Bella burst into tears? I didn't do anything to her, I swear. I told her she looked good in the dress, that's all I promise. Is she alright?" It hadn't crossed my mind that my behavior today would impact Bella. As far as I was concerned everything had played out in my head not out in the open for her to be aware of.

"She's confused and right now she does not need that Edward. You need to understand the kind of person my sister is. She would never ever do anything to anyone deliberately to hurt them. She loves Peter and she is going to marry him. The two of you making moon eyes at one another is only going to break her heart."

"Not my intention. I don't want to come between them."

Rosalie softened her tone a bit. "I believe that. I really do. You seem like a really good guy Edward and if I am completely honest with you I could see you and Bella together in a heartbeat, if circumstances were different. But they're not." She sighed. " Normally I would be all for the fighting for the woman you love scenario but in this case I can't encourage you because Peter is our friend too. He has been with her every step of the way; he knows her better than anyone apart from her sisters and he deserves to be happy with the person he envisioned spending the rest of his life with. I don't care if you and her could have had the romance of the century, given the chance. All I care about is Bella being able to live with herself and Peter not getting hurt. Do you understand?"

"I've got it loud and clear Rosalie. Don't ruin Bella's life. Forget about how I feel. Well that is something I was always going to do. It's a moot point anyway. Bella isn't interested in me; she loves Peter."

"She does love Peter but this thing between you and her…..well let's say I don't think it is as one sided as you believe. So given that, I think the best idea would be for you to stay out of her way as much as possible. Don't confuse her anymore than she already is."

I tried not to let the anger bubble up as Rosalie demanded this of me. She was only looking after the sister she loved so much and she wasn't telling me to do anything I hadn't already decided to do off my own back.

"Are you going to be alright with this?" Emmett asked quietly as he held my shoulder in support. The small contact made me appreciate his friendship even more. He knew me better than Rosalie did and he knew that I would never put Bella into a bad situation knowingly. I nodded at him to let him know I appreciated his lack of judgment.

Avoidance; I could do that if it meant Bella's happiness. Rosalie didn't even have to ask.


	6. Chapter 6: Truths

**Thanks so much to all of you out there who are reading this. There haven't been many reviews but there have been lots of hits so it makes me happy to know that you are interested.**

**Hope you enjoy this chapter – probably not what you expected but…**

Chapter Six

BPOV - Truths

My life had become one drama after another and the timing could not have been worse.

The morning after Jaspers meltdown had dawned with no Edward in our apartment and my relief was palpable. I had had a fitful sleep, knowing he was lying on our couch and that I shouldn't be thinking about him at all. I felt an inexplicable need to make him feel better; I knew that the night before had been hard for him. The fact that he was gone made everything a whole lot easier.

When Jasper and Alice finally emerged from her room, it was with the purpose of Jasper telling me what had happened during his time in Afghanistan and giving me his own apology for bringing me into his business. I did not reveal to him that I already knew, as I didn't want to break Edward's confidence, but it was hard to listen to it all again from the person who had actually experienced it. Alice held his hand the whole time and I noticed how composed she was, even as she had to hear about what her boyfriend had been through. I had no doubt that she was going to be the perfect help for him during this hard time and I was so proud of her. No one was more loyal than Alice and her strength was something to be admired. Jasper assured me that he would never hurt my sister and that he was going to use this time he had on leave to seek help and make some decisions about his future. I believed him.

And then my wedding dress fitting debacle had happened and I was mortified that Rosalie had become aware that there was an issue purely because I couldn't contain my emotions when Edward came in and then left in such a hurry. Edward's reaction to seeing me in my dress was confusing. He seemed like he was struggling not to say something to me and when he finally told me that I looked stunning, my heart leapt into my throat and I couldn't look away from his gaze. Rosalie had interrupted us luckily and he was out of there as quick as possible. I had no such luck and I promptly burst into tears when Rosalie raised a questioning eyebrow at me. The emotions of the past few days had got to me; I was suddenly this person who responded to a man who was not her fiancé and the intensity of the past few moments had led to tears.

"I'm in some deep trouble," I murmured to my sister.

"No kidding," Rosalie came forward to hold me and I allowed myself to relax against the security of her arms. "What is going on Bella? Has something happened between you and Edward? That was some intense stuff happening when I walked in."

"Nothing has happened I swear but… but …. I can't stop how I feel whenever he walks into a room. It's like there is some kind of magnet drawing me to him and it is just so wrong. What am I going to do?"

I looked to my sister for some kind of advice that I could live with. She was the sister that could always be relied on to put you back into the right head space. She was the one who told it like it was. If anyone could bring me back to my senses it was her and I was relying on her right now.

Her hands gently clutched at my shoulders as she forced me to meet her conflicted gaze. "Oh Bella. Don't lose yourself within an attraction. Think about what you would be giving up. Is this little bit of heightened awareness worth hurting yourself and Peter over? You would never be able to look at yourself in the mirror again if you gave into the temptation of Edward. It's just not worth it."

My traitor mind yelled at me "_but what if it was? What if you and Peter weren't meant to be together and you're making him miss out on something like this to? What if the feelings for Edward weren't just passing ones and he was the one?"_

I didn't get to voice those concerns because Angela and Alice returned from getting changed back into their normal clothes and they were oohing and ahhing about how beautiful I was looking. Rosalie dropped the subject but I had no doubt we would revisit it at another time and her words stuck with me throughout the rest of my afternoon and whilst I had dinner with Peter and his family. It was easier to ignore what had happened between Edward and I when Peter was there, and Edward was nowhere to be seen, but my subconscious did not allow me to relinquish my concerns totally and of course it led to another sleepless night wondering if I should be upfront with Peter and tell him what was going on. Was I willing to hurt him? I didn't think so.

The next day was the culmination of all things dramatic and I was left reeling as I faced a livid Peter, pacing my living room breathing heavily as he tried to get himself under control. I had seen Peter angry before, of course; I had been friends with him forever so there had been times throughout our relationship when he had been upset about something but today was different; today I was actually a little frightened of the expressionless face that turned to me every now and again before he continued his internal debate of how he wanted to deal with this.

"How could you not tell me about this Bella? How could you think it was alright for me not to know about this? We're getting married in just over a week for god's sake and I am only learning about this now."

It was hard to meet his eyes because I knew he had every reason to be angry with me.

"I didn't want to cause a problem Peter. I wasn't trying to be sneaky or anything. I just didn't want to be the cause of dissent. I thought I could handle it on my own."

"Well you were wrong, Bella. You couldn't deal with it on your own and he had absolutely no right to do what he's been doing. I want to go back there and rip him apart right now." Peter's usual good looks were marred by the darkness that had overtaken his face.

"I'm sorry Peter. I didn't mean for any of this to happen." My voice was pleading and I saw his face soften a little before he moved away from me and resumed his pacing. With a grimace he stopped and then moved towards the door, opening it with way too much force.

"I need some time to think Bella. I'll be back later,"

And just like that I watched my best friend in the world leave and I was left alone to go over the events of the day that had led us to this pivotal moment.

_Lunch had been awkward; for me at least. Grace had invited the Cullens, Swans and her entire family over for a casual get together since she was taking every opportunity possible to be with her friends and family while they were all in the one city. Of course that meant that I was sitting in a room with two people I would prefer not to be; one because I intensely disliked him and one because I liked him entirely too much. Throughout lunch I was assaulted from every part of the room; Rosalie was watching me like a hawk, Emmett kept casting me sympathetic glances, Edward was ignoring me entirely and James was being his normal jerky self and throwing insinuations at me any time he felt he could get away with it. I was entirely over being here and even Peters loving glances and smiles could do nothing to alleviate my displeasure. I wanted to be at home in my own private haven and pretend that none of this was happening. However that was out of the question so I kept my smile firmly in place and pretended I was having a great time as everyone else in the room appeared to be._

_Eventually the pretense got to me and I needed to get out of there, if only for a few minutes. I excused myself from talking to one of Peter's aunties and made my way through the house to the back room where I knew I could get a few moments of peace. That's all I needed._

"_So what's making you feel the need to sneak around young Bella? Something you want to share with your good friend James?"_

_I sighed deeply. He was always there on the outskirts of my life, thrusting in every now and again to make me feel uncomfortable. I hated him and it made me so angry that I had let him get away with all his suggestion over the time I had known him._

"_Not sneaking James, just taking a minute to myself which has now finished. Thanks for your concern. I am making my way back now."_

"_What's your rush Bella? It is not often that we get to have quality time together and since you're getting married next week we will have even less. How about we take this opportunity to visit the connection we have." _

"_You have to be joking James. I wouldn't be with you even if you were the last man on earth. Move out of my way," James had moved himself so that I couldn't get out of the door. He was taking it too far this time and a nervousness set in that I couldn't get rid of._

"_What if I said no Bella?" He sneered at me knowing that he had the upperhand with regards to strength. I tried to believe that he would not use that advantage._

"_Then I will scream this place down,"_

"_I don't think you would Bella. You are too interested in keeping the family together and all that. Wouldn't they all resent you if you caused a scene and broke the family apart? I know you Bella. You haven't told Peter anything and you're not about to now."_

_I moved backwards away from him and he followed me until he had me against the wall and he was reaching towards me. I felt nauseated knowing that he was going to touch me and the scream I wanted to release got stuck frozen in my throat. It didn't stop my body from reacting in fear though and I brought my knee up to connect with James in a sickening crunch. He let go of me for a moment as he covered himself but then I saw the anger take over his face and he grabbed me more forcefully as I tried to scoot around him and get to the door that he had closed._

"_You little….."_

"_What the hell do you think you are doing?" The relief of hearing that voice was instant and when I looked over at the door that had just opened it confirmed what I already knew. Edward was there and he was fuming. He was over at our side with four strides and had pulled James hand away from me. "Keep your dirty paws of her or I will rip them off you without even thinking twice about it."_

_There was fear in James eyes but he was too stupid to let it go. "What's it to you Edward? Bella and I were just talking; she's about to be family you know."_

_Edward got closer to James face and even I cringed at the ferocity behind his words. "You are a leech, James. You have no right to be even breathing the same air as her and if I ever see you touch her again I will make sure it is the last thing you ever do. Family doesn't treat each other the way you are treating Bella and Peter."_

_Edward turned to me and gently placed his hand on my back so that he could guide me out of the room with his own body between mine and James' presence. "Are you ok? Let's get you back out to Peter."_

_I was speechless so merely nodded at him._

"_Watch her Edward. She acts all innocent but then she captures you in her web and taunts you with the knowledge of what she really wants. She's a tease through and through. She's nothing but a c…"_

_The sentence was never finished, even though the insinuation was there, because Edward had let go of me and had punched James in the face with a fierceness I wasn't expecting. He would have followed through with another one if I hadn't stepped in to prevent it and if there wasn't a sudden commotion at the door telling us that we were no longer alone. James was holding his nose and blood was spluttering from it. I couldn't help but feel a small twinge of admiration that someone had finally put him in his place but I had more pressing things to consider because Peter, Jacob and Jasper had entered the room and were looking at the three of us with speculation._

"_Would someone like to explain what has happened here?" Peter's tone indicated that he was confused and a little bit put out. He reached towards me to pull me away from my spot between Edward and James and I realized that I was still holding Edward back from getting to James by just being there._

"_He is a madman," James accused and I heard the low growl come out of Edward's mouth before he could stop it. "Bella and I were talking and he attacked me for no good reason,"_

_Edward stood still, not agreeing or denying what James was saying. I suddenly realized that he wasn't willing to say anything in case he got me into some kind of trouble. I couldn't let him do that._

"_Edward was trying to help me. James was being inappropriate and Edward stopped him." The inevitable blush rose in my face but this time it wasn't totally from embarrassment; I was angry. _

"_She's lying Peter. She's been coming onto me for months and I couldn't help but agree this time. I'm sorry cus, but she's a cheating…."_

_This time there were twin flashes of movement as both Edward and Jacob went for James throat. Jacob somehow got to him first and Edward stepped back in deference. Jacob held him up against the wall and James eyes widened in terror. Finally he was seeing that he was in some sort of trouble. _

"_I've told you time and time again to leave my sister alone. She is not interested in a creep like you and she is about to get married…..married, did you hear that. She is with your cousin. How can you think it is alright to continue cracking onto her?" Jacob held his forearm across James' neck and then pressed a little harder. "Take back the lies and explain to Peter what you've been doing…..the truth James or my arm might accidently slip."_

_James face had turned red by this time and I had to speak out._

"_Jacob let him go. We're not helping anything with violence. I think James understands that the game is over." Jacob did not move at all, his glare still squarely on the man in his arms. "Please Jacob. I don't want to make any more of a scene in Grace and Rick's house."_

_Jacob reluctantly let go of James and he slid down to the floor a little before righting himself again. He refused to speak though and Peter looked between the two of us with confusion. I shouldn't have to defend myself but I knew I was going to have to. I couldn't let Peter believe that I would cheat on him with his disgusting cousin. It was Jacob who spoke up first though._

"_Fine. If you won't speak then I will, "He warned James who only glared back at him belligerently. "This dropkick takes every opportunity he can to make my sister uncomfortable. He is suggestive and touches her when she doesn't want him to. I told her to tell you Peter but she felt that she would be causing a problem within the family so refused to do it. She thought she could ignore him and he would leave her alone but obviously he did something today that Edward didn't agree with,"_

_We all looked at Edward and he slowly nodded his head. Peter held onto me a little bit tighter and waited for more. Edward explained how he had been coming back from the toilet when he heard James and I arguing and James not taking no for an answer. He came in to find James holding onto me as if he was going to hurt me and stepped in to stop it._

_Peter watched James reactions carefully. "You were going to force yourself on my fiancé?" His voice was as hard as nails. He took a step forward and I gripped his arm in both my hands. "Please Peter, don't do anything you will regret. He is a loser, it is not worth it."_

_Jasper stepped forward and took a hold of Peter's other arm. "She's right. He is not worth it and there is a house full of people out there who will wonder what is going on if they hear you beating him to a pulp. Trust me, violence will not solve anything."_

_Peter took a deep breath. "You are to get out of my house now. You are not welcome at our wedding. You are no longer considered my family. You will not come anywhere near my fiancé again. Do you understand me?" Nothing about the way Peter spoke let any of us think that he wasn't serious. "Come on Bella, you and I need to talk."_

"_Maybe you should ask your fiancé why Edward, over there, felt the need to kill me when I called your girl a tease. A pretty strong reaction from someone who has only known her a few days wouldn't you say cus? That would be an interesting conversation to take part in." James stated with venom. "Don't think it has gone unnoticed the way you follow her with your eyes all the time Eddie boy. Don't think she is too immune to it either. I think you have a lot to learn about your fiancé Peter; it's just a shame I won't be around to see it."_

"_Anyone with any decency would have wanted to make you pay for what you did to Bella, James so get your sick mind out of the gutter and get out before I change my mind and do to you what I am itching to do," Peter spoke with confidence but I saw the flicker of uncertainty and recognition that crossed his face as he looked at Edward whose face reflected the horror I felt, at James accusations. Peter continued speaking in a calm voice, addressing Edward this time. "Thank you for helping Bella. I appreciate it."_

_The trip back to my place was done in absolute silence. We had left Jasper, Jacob and Edward to deal with the explanations of why Peter and I had left without saying goodbye. At this stage I didn't really care what their excuses would be. Peter and I had some issues to get through and we couldn't do it at his parents' house. We entered my apartment and Peter started with the pacing. He was angry and hurt and I wasn't sure how to fix it._

So now I sat completely unsure of what would happen when Peter returned to me after his time of thinking. I knew he had the right to be angry with me about not telling him what James had been doing. In all honesty it had been pretty stupid of me but I don't deal well with conflict and I really didn't want to cause a rift in Peter's family. It was too late for that; Peter uninviting James to the wedding was definitely going to cause a stir and that saddened me greatly.

Then there was James last accusation and how Peter took it. James had been right in saying Edward's reaction had been over the top. I was pretty sure that he would help anyone who was in need but he had been so furious in his interactions that it was apparent that he felt something for me that he shouldn't. That combined with yesterdays display at the dress shop told me that Edward Cullen was a passionate man and he wanted me; he was just not going to do anything about it. He had too much respect for those around him and it was another admirable trait I could not ignore, even though it didn't help the predicament we found ourselves in.

A couple of hours passed, giving me way too much time to go over the thoughts that were currently invading my mind. When Peter finally came back he looked a lot calmer but somewhat discouraged. This was not how the lead up to our wedding should have been.

He sat down across from me and fiddled with his hands.

"I'm sorry. I shouldn't have left you like that. Are you okay? Did James hurt you?"

"No. He grabbed me, that is about all. Edward came in at that moment and made him let me go. I have no idea what he would have done otherwise. He was pretty angry because I had just kneed him where it hurt."

Peter's lips lifted into a small smirk. "That's my girl."

I gave him my own wry smile. "Look Peter I really am sorry for what happened today and for ruining the lunch. I know I should have told you before now."

"Yes you should have. Who else knows what he has been doing?"

"Jake. That's it. And Jake only knows because James thinks of him as a kid and wasn't overly worried about him seeing what he did. Jacob and he have had a couple of altercations."

Peter nodded his head and looked at his hands again. He sighed deeply and the silence extended out. I waited.

"Bella I understand that you're the type of person who puts others first and that you would have honestly been looking out for me and my family when you made the choice not to tell me what James has been doing. I understand it but I don't like it. He could have really hurt you and I would not have been able to protect you because I wouldn't have known." He rubbed his face in agitation. "There is no way I would have let him anywhere near you if I had known what he has been up to. Sure it would have caused some discord with the family but do you seriously think that I or my parents would let him get away with doing that to you?"

"I love your mum Peter. I couldn't live with myself if she had to deal with a rift with her sister. They are so close,"

"I agree but do you think she would have lived with herself if James had succeeded in getting from you what he wanted? No way in this world." Peter reached out and grabbed my hand. "If you and I are getting married we have to be honest with one another Bella and keeping things like this to ourselves is only going to cause problems down the track. Today is evidence of that."

I nodded. "I am so sorry Peter. What I did was wrong but I won't put myself in that situation again."

He smiled at me in encouragement but there was still a little sadness there and I knew we hadn't finished. He didn't let go of my hand and that gave me some comfort. It hadn't escaped me that he said 'if we get married' and I was wondering where the next part of our conversation would take us.

"Bella, do you love Edward Cullen?" Pete asked me in the softest voice possible and I was sure for a moment that I had misheard him.

"What?" I was floored. I hadn't expected that at all. "Are you asking me if I am cheating on you because regardless of what James accused us of, I would never do that and from the very little I know of Edward he wouldn't either."

" I don't believe you're cheating Bella. That was not my question. I asked if you were in love with Edward?"

My head started thumping and my heart started to accelerate. He wanted complete honesty from me but how could I give that when I wasn't even sure of it myself.

"I only met him a few days ago Peter, how could I possibly be in love with him? I am marrying you. I love you."

"He is in love with you," He said it so matter of factly that I almost believed it myself but it wasn' t something I wanted to dwell on so I denied it instead.

"Peter, James only said what he did to get a rise out of us. Don't believe what he said."

"It wasn't what James said that made me see it. I went and saw Edward and without coming outright and saying the actual words, he told me. His concern for you was blatant, his reaction to James hurting you was evident and he made it quite clear that you had done nothing wrong; nothing. He went into protection mode. When I called him on it, he said he couldn't help it."

My heart stopped in my chest and I found it difficult to breath. "You went to see Edward?" I whispered.

"Yes. I wouldn't normally believe what James says and particularly not now after everything I know but there was some kind of truth in his words and then I thought back on it and there were little things that made me think maybe he was right. Edward tried very hard not to be near you; there were times when I would invite him to do stuff with us and he would say no. I thought he was just busy or something but now I realize he was trying to do the right thing. He seemed a little uncomfortable around me even though we've known each other for years. It just didn't fit."

I was shaking my head and Peter leant in closer to me.

"It's not possible Peter. He can't be. There is some kind of mistake."

"He told me about the first night at the party and how he met you and felt an attraction but didn't know you were Bella until I came in, and that he has been feeling guilty ever since. He said you've never encouraged him or made him feel uncomfortable for his mistake that night. He said that I was lucky to have such a loyal fiancé and that he hoped I realized what a good thing I had. He made it very clear that he didn't want to cause any trouble between us and I actually believe him," Peter rubbed at his face again so I knew he was conflicted. "It doesn't mean I am happy about it. I don't overly like that there is someone out there who has strong feelings for you. It kind of makes me sick actually but my main concern here is how you feel Bella. Is he right when he says that his feelings are very much one sided; that you don't feel anything for him at all except as a new friend?"

Peter's blue eyes pierced into mine and it broke my heart. I couldn't do this to him.

"Please Peter, I love you. I am going to marry you. It's always been you and I. Don't ask me these kind of questions. It takes away from what we have." I could feel myself tearing up and Peter moved so that he was sitting beside me now, providing me with his strength.

"I'm not asking this to upset you, Bella. I believe that we both have a right to start our marriage off honestly. If you have feelings for someone else I need to know. We can deal with it but I need to know."

I was crying in earnest now. He was asking me to reveal myself when I wasn't even sure how I felt. He wanted honesty and I didn't know how to give it. He deserved to be the only one I thought about but for the past few days that hadn't been the case. I was robbing him and it killed me.

"I…..I don't know how I feel about Ed….ward. I'm confused. There's something…..there but it's….not what I want. I c…can't explain." My words were splattered with gulps of air. I was panicking. Peter was going to see me as betraying him. I couldn't stand the thought. "I would ne….never do anything to risk us Peter. I love you. Nothing….has hap….pened between Edward…..and I. I would never let…..it."

"I believe you, babe." Peter gently pulled my hair from my face and tucked it behind my ears so he could see me properly and vice versa. "You're attracted to him,"

I shook my head and shrugged in confusion and he took in a deep breath.

"Let me make this easier for you Bella. I understand what you're going through because the same thing happened to me once. I was attracted to someone else and it nearly killed me that that could even happen. When you are with someone you want to believe you will never 'see' anyone but them. You don't want to believe in the possibility that someone else could turn your head even for a second. Life doesn't always work like that Bella."

My eyes had widened at his admission and I waited with bated breath for the jealousy to surge through me. There might have been a twinge but my overwhelming response was relief. He had felt it too. I wasn't in this alone.

"Oh. I'm not sure what to say." I tugged at the ends of my hair. "What happened?"

" Nothing ever happened Bella because I love you and I wasn't willing to let what we have go. I removed myself from the situation."

A light bulb went off in my head. "Charlotte?"

It was his turn to widen his eyes in surprise but then he merely nodded. That made sense to me. They had been university peers before Peter had changed some of his subjects and they had been separated because of it. A few months later she had transferred universities altogether and as far as I knew they had never kept in touch. At the time I had felt bad for him because they had seemed so close but he had shrugged it off as nothing and I had no reason to question it.

"Did she feel the same way?"

"We never discussed it but if I am completely honest I would have to probably say yes. I never let her know that I was feeling anything at all. I was committed to you and that's the way I wanted it to stay. I spent a lot of time attacking myself with guilt and admonishments because I believed I was doing the wrong thing by you by even allowing myself to be attracted to someone else but then I realized that I hadn't done anything wrong. I didn't choose to suddenly be aware of someone else and I most certainly didn't succumb to it. I never cheated and I made sure I wasn't in a position where it could ever impact on our relationship. You were what I wanted; it wasn't even a choice."

"God Peter. I am so sorry you went through that alone. It must have been hard."

Peter chuckled and I realized suddenly that the whole atmosphere around us had changed. "Trust you to say sorry to me after I have just admitted that I once upon a time had a small attraction to someone else, Bella."

"I guess it is kind of odd. It's just that this thing with Edward has really been eating away at me; not because I would ever cheat, I wouldn't, but just because I couldn't believe I could ever feel anything for anyone but you. Somehow I feel more at peace with myself and I have you to thank for that."

" I was serious when I said I wanted us to start our marriage with honesty Bella. That is why I told you about Charlotte but it doesn't change the fact that we need to deal with this thing between you and Edward. Charlotte is the past, Edward is here now. I love you and I want to marry you but I am not going to go into it if you're not sure that it is what you want. As much as it hurts me to say, if you think Edward is what you want; if you think he can make you happier than me then I won't stand in your way. I don't ever want you to regret marrying me; you mean too much to me."

"I'm not going to give up what I have with you for a five minute attraction that I am sure will ease in time." I held his face between my hands and lightly rubbed my thumbs beneath his red shot eyes as if the movement could erase every trace of sadness from him.

"What if it doesn't? What if it doesn't ease?"

"It did for you right?"

"I never would have asked you to marry me if it hadn't but Bella this is completely different. This is a friend. Edward will always be around purely because he is Jasper's brother and your sister is now dating Jasper. It might not be all the time but we will certainly be seeing him in the future. Can you handle that? Can we?"

"I love you Peter and I am going to be your wife; no one elses. Please believe me when I say that I want you; I want my best friend in the world to be the one I have the good times with, the one I grow old with. Like you said before; there really is no choice to make. You and I are a team; there is no other way."

He examined my face intently and found what he was searching for because he nodded with some relief. "Okay, love. We can do this together."

"Yes we can," I whispered as I buried my face into the crook of his neck and I wanted to believe it with all my heart.

But a small part of my consciousness balked. _"What about Edward. Who was going to be there for him?"_


	7. Chapter 7 : Peter

Chapter Seven

BPOV – Peter

The night was a long one. Peter stayed with me and we discussed so many things, even though we were both exhausted. It was as if the honesty about such difficult subjects had given us a sense of closeness that reinforced why we believed we should be together. Some of the things we talked about were uncomfortable; Charlotte being a perfect case in point but the fact that we could share them meant that some of our guilt could be alleviated and we were starting our marriage with a clean slate.

The topic of Edward was even harder because as Peter had stated earlier Edward was the here and now. Peter told me that Edward had offered to leave New York and return to Paris immediately if it would make things easier for us but Peter had told him that it would not be needed. The reasoning behind Peter's decision was sound so I couldn't disagree with him, even if I wanted to, which I realized I didn't. Peter felt that Jasper needed his brother right now and that the Cullen family had enough to deal with without having to wonder why Edward had suddenly given himself a self imposed exile.

"Besides," Peter had said to me. "Edward is a friend and I know he is a good person regardless of his feelings towards you. I trust him to do the right thing. I just feel sorry that he is the one hurt in all of this."

That worried me too but it wasn't something I voiced. No matter how much I believed I belonged with the man I had been with for so many years, there was still a small part of me that wondered if I was doing both Peter and Edward a disservice and it greatly concerned me that Edward was the one being hurt. I still didn't believe Peter's assertions that Edward was in love with me; I just knew that he was at least attracted to me and I hoped with everything I had that he would find what he truly wanted in the immediate future. He was a good person and deserved that.

Peter refused to let go of me throughout the night. He had been so considerate and understanding about everything going on but he was feeling the pinch and I could tell he was still concerned that I was going to change my mind and leave him. Regardless of the strength he was portraying I knew him well enough to know that he was hurting and I gave him every bit of confirmation that I could that we would do this together; that I wasn't going anywhere. We finally fell into a snooze in the early hours of the morning, still entrenched on the sofa where we had been all night.

"Rise and shine sleeping beauties." Alice's excitable voice pulled me out of the light sleep I was in and I felt Peter's arms instinctively tighten around me as I began to move. " It's the morning of your bucks and hens nights and there are things to do."

"Alice," I groaned "Do you have any idea how tired I am right now?"

"Have a pretty good idea since Jasper wouldn't let me come home last night so that you two lovebirds could discuss the whole James situation. From the looks of things that discussion went well but why are you on the sofa when there is a particularly comfortable bed a few metres down the hall. Oh well don't answer that. Bella I can't believe you hadn't told Rosalie or me about that scumbag. I could have hurt him badly for you, you know."

Peter rubbed his eyes and smirked at me as I rolled my eyes at him. Alice at any time was exhausting but early in the morning her excitability and tendency to speak around and around different subjects was a hard pill to swallow.

"Please Alice, Peter and I have sorted that out and I don't want to go over it again. I am just glad that James now has the message to leave me alone."

"Hmmm – apparently from more than just Peter as Jasper relates it," Peter tensed up a bit and I quickly squeezed his hand. Alice didn't notice and continued. "Our baby brother has some good uses then. I can totally see him pressing James up against the wall. I wish I had been there to see that. Good on him. He only did what Rosalie or I would have done if we knew what he had been up to and thank god Emmett wasn't involved because otherwise we would have been picking up the pieces of James for days to come and that can kind of ruin the lead up to the perfect wedding wouldn't you say?"

_Did she ever take a breath?_ I nodded dumbly and started to maneuver my way out of Peter's embrace. I was just happy that she was not aware of what had happened between Peter, Edward and I. Revisiting it yet again today, for her benefit, was not what I wanted at all.

"So it is time for us all to get on with the celebrations," Alice was clapping her hands in gleeful anticipation and I laughed at her enthusiasm even though I wasn't in the mood for her administrations.

Peter coughed and we both turned to him. "Actually Alice. I was kind of hoping to have Bella to myself this morning. We haven't had much alone time since everyone turned up and with all the wedding preparations. I want to take her out; do something nice for her. Help her relax totally before her big night out with the girls."

"Awww that's so sweet Peter but I have things planned for the afternoon and she needs to get ready and….."

"You need her at three o'clock and I will make sure she is back in time to get ready but this morning is all ours Alice. Not taking no for an answer unless of course Bella is the one saying it. Bella? Would you like to go on a date with me this morning?"

He was grinning at me and I couldn't think of anything I would rather do than spend time with him and reinforce everything we'd said last night. "Of course. That sounds lovely." My answer made him smile. I loved making him smile.

"Ok, ok. You two win but I promise if you aren't back here in time to get ready Bella I will send a search party out and I will drag you back here by your beautiful tresses. The things I have planned for you today will be awesome and I don't want you missing even a small part of any of it. Do I make myself clear?"

"Perfectly," I was tempted to salute her but thought better of it when I saw her face and realized that she was entirely serious about me not ruining her plans. I had no intention of doing so. My bridesmaids had done way to much hard work for me to let them down.

"Great, that is sorted," Peter swooped me into his arm and landed a quick kiss on my lips. "I will be back in an hour so be ready. I have to get some things I need and then we will be on our way. Is that ok?"

"Sure but what are we doing?"

"It's a surprise," He answered and the quickly let himself out before I could grill him some more. I turned to Alice who had a huge grin on her face.

"No wonder you're marrying him. He is the absolute best.

########################################################

The morning flew by way too quickly once Peter came back to the apartment to pick me up. He had taken me into his arms as soon as I had opened the door and kissed me soundly before whispering into my ear. "This morning is all about us Bella. Not Edward, not Charlotte, not James, not your sisters or my friends; just us, as in you and me."

I readily agreed because it had felt like forever since it had been that way. Peter was a very social person and his family were too, so many of our dates and interactions were based around friends and family. They were important to me too so I didn't worry too much about it but it was nice to know that he wanted this time just for the two of us, doing something we enjoyed.

When Peter returned me to my apartment, and a waiting Alice, he did so after a wonderful morning of quality time together; picnicking, people watching and laughing about funny memories we had of one another over the years. As per his instruction it had been entirely about the two of us only and as I sat in the Botanical gardens, eating the picnic brunch he had organised and facing the man I would marry in the very near future I was comforted in knowing how much we knew one another; how much our lives had always been intertwined. Peter took me as I was and I returned the favour. Partnership was meant to be like this; it wasn't all about the sparks and over the top reactions of your body to the other person. Leaving the park I had a stronger sense that what I was doing was the right thing and I shouldn't be second guessing myself over a few day old attraction when I had my unbelievably good fiancé willing to offer me everything I needed. Years of knowledge had to beat a few day old connection.

Alice was bouncing by the time we walked through the door. Peter had timed it so that I would not have a prolonged period of 'getting ready' time with Alice as my master. He was all too aware how much I detested the whole process of being primped and preened to look a certain way but also knew that when it came to Alice and Rosalie I found it hard to say no.

"Great. You're home. Let's get going," Alice shoved an overnight bag at me. "Everything else is ready in the car and Rose and Angela are meeting us at Grace's house. Come on. We don't want to be late."

My startled reaction to suddenly being off the hook as far as being dressed and trussed must have been hilarious because Peter was laughing at me.

"What?" Alice questioned as he eventually took a hold of himself and stopped.

"I think Bella was expecting you to tie her up and give her a complete make over. I just enjoyed the dawning of understanding that she might escape your clutches."

"Haha Peter. For your information I have everything setup at your mum's and Bella is going to look absolutely amazing when I have finished with her; not to mention very appreciative of what is about to go down. Now say your goodbyes so we can go."

Peter pulled me aside and kissed me several times. "Bella have a great time tonight. Try and relax and enjoy anything they have planned," I groaned and he smirked at me again. "Babe, I want you to remember that no matter what, I love you. The past twenty four hours have been hard but they are just a small bump in the road. I can't envision being with anyone but you. I love you so much."

"I love you too Peter. Have fun with the boys tonight and think only good things. You and I, we're alright." Our words were soft so Alice could not hear but I think she realized that we were having a moment because she politely removed herself from our sides for a couple of minutes.

"Ok, ok enough of all that. Anyone would think you weren't going to see each other tomorrow. We need to go. Peter please look after Jasper for me tonight." She cast Peter a meaningful glance and he immediately drew her in for an encouraging hug. We all knew that tonight could be difficult for Jasper after his little relapse two nights previously and Alice was obviously nervous about what could happen while she wasn't there.

"Jasper and I always look out for one another, Alice. You have nothing to be worried about. Just make sure my girl here has a great night." He gave us both a chaste kiss on the forehead and then walked to his car, leaving us to get into Alice's convertible. I took a last look in Peter's direction and he gave me a small wave; mouthing "I love you" as he moved to start the car.

"Ok then," Alice put her sunglasses on and checked her rear view mirror. "Let's get this party started." and a devilish grin lit up her face.

#################################################

When my sister does anything she doesn't do it by halves. Upon entering the Woods residence we were immediately bombarded with an array of female friends and family who were helping me celebrate my upcoming nuptials. Rosalie passed me a flute of champagne and before I knew what was happening I found myself ushered into the large living area where comfortable chairs had been set up and about five women I had never met stood waiting to pamper myself and my guests. Only Alice could pull off having beauticians making house calls and giving us an afternoon of relaxation and a whole lot of great company and laughter. Massages, pedicures and manicures were up for offered for anyone who wanted them and it appeared I was getting the complete works. No wonder Alice wasn't concerned with what I was wearing. I was out of my clothes within minutes of getting there and a comfortable robe was being shoved at me. I relaxed into the celebratory mood and allowed my bridesmaids to spoil me with their plans. It wasn't hard to do when everyone around us was in a wonderful mood; excitement pervaded the room and I let myself run with it.

As we all took our turns having the beauticians attend to us we laughed and joked about all kinds of girly things. I was actually really enjoying the time we had with just the girls who were important to me and also having a break from my concerns around Edward and Peter. Every now and again they broke into my thoughts but I deliberately set them back into my subconscious because today was all about the girls. The one and only time I talked about Edward, it was when Rosalie questioned me about Peter knowing and I had asked her to leave it be for the night; that I wanted to concentrate on my girlfriends and not think about Peter or Edward's hurt. She had agreed with me once she knew that I had been honest with Peter and that we had sorted things out. I was relieved that she let it go so easily.

Every now and again I noticed Alice looking at her watch and wondered briefly what she was up to. I was absolutely certain that Alice, Rosalie and Angela weren't going to stop this hen's evening with just a pampering afternoon. They were in for a long night and even though it wasn't my normal thing I was looking forward to it.

"What are you up to Ali," I snuck up behind her and nearly scared her out of her wits. She glanced back at all our friends who were busy chatting, eating and drinking.

"What do you mean?"

"You keep checking your watch." I noted.

"Oh that. Well you know I am always up to something but in this case I am just worrying. Jasper got an emergency counseling session this afternoon from the man that it was suggested he see whilst he's in New York. I guess I was kind of wondering how it was going and if it would be alright for me to ring him to see how he handled it all. He wasn't looking forward to it and it was kind of bad timing since tonight is Peter's night but I don't think he felt he could turn the offer down."

"Alice that is great news. I am so happy he got in so quickly. It's a great step forward. Good on him." My enthusiasm was not fake at all. This was something he really needed to do and the fact that he had got onto it so quickly meant he was serious about helping himself. I felt a surge of pride and then giggled to myself. What was it about these Cullen boys that had me react so strongly to their welfare after only a short time of knowing them?

Alice's face lit up. "Yes it is great. He is really serious about getting help and he said he never again wants to put me into the situation he did the other night. I just want him to stop hurting so much. He doesn't deserve to live like that."

"No he doesn't and I think he is very lucky that he found you Alice," I gave her a hug to reinforce my words and she tightened her grip on me as she gave me her thanks for thinking so.

"Alrighty. That's enough of the serious stuff. This afternoon and this evening are all about fun and frivolous activities," The door bell rang and her face brightened up even further. "and in keeping with the theme, here is our next form of entertainment. You are going to die when you see what we've got organised for you young lady."

"You promised me no strippers, Alice," I stated with concern as she headed to answer the door. I would die of mortification if she had done that to me. I most certainly didn't need any strange man wiping his body parts against me and embarrassing me in front of my mother and my mother in law to be.

"And I kept that promise," Alice smirked over her shoulder at me. "Why don't you go back with the others and I will be there with your surprise very soon."

I followed her instruction but with a whole lot of butterflies in my stomach. I was ridiculously nervous about what was in store and when I told Angela and Rosalie that Alice was letting in the next form of entertainment, their squeals of delight only aggravated the nerves tenfold. They left the room and I concentrated on talking to a couple of my friends from uni so that I could ignore the feeling that I was about to come under attack.

When the girls returned they were carrying some boxes and a man a little older than myself walked in with them. Rosalie asked everyone to take a seat on one of the chairs that had been brought in after our pampering session. She told me where to sit and I noticed that there were three spare seats near me. I realized that they were for my bridesmaids and when they sat down my thoughts were confirmed.

"So ladies. My name is Garrett and Alice, Rosalie and Angela invited me here today to help you celebrate Bella's upcoming marriage," He smiled at me and his smile was so warm and sincere that I had to smile back. "I believe they thought this could be a little bit different and the point is for all of you to enjoy yourselves so relax and do so."

My confused look was mirrored on many of the other ladies faces. Besides the three girls next to me, who were grinning like mad banshees, no one had any idea what was going on. The confusion only strengthened when Garrett began to hand out art pads and pencils.

"So we are having an art lesson today," Garrett drawled as he handed the last few pencils and crayons out to the group. "This is your opportunity to let out your creative side. Don't be shy and just explore using the tools I have given you. There is no reason to be concerned that you can't draw because we are all friends here and no one is going to put down your attempts."

_Art. My sisters had organised an art lesson for my hens. What was going on?_

And then it became quite apparent what was going on when Garrett left momentarily and came back in wearing a short robe. A few of the ladies around me gasped and I couldn't blame them. Garrett was a well built man. He ignored them and proceeded to disrobe as he explained that he would be our muse, so to speak. He would pose for us and we could draw what we saw. I felt the inevitable blush rise in my face and saw the different expressions on everyone's face as they watched this male sit comfortably in front of us, completely nude and giving us instructions on the best way to start our drawings.

After the twitterings and small giggles lapsed it appeared that everyone was taking their drawings very seriously. That was of course until people began to finish and were showing each other their final drawings. It was so much more fun than I could ever have thought and we all spent the early evening laughing at our attempts to express the human body. It wasn't tacky as I first thought it would be and Garrett was such a lovely man who was clearly comfortable in his own skin that we enjoyed his observations and advice as if we had known him forever. It was an unusual way to celebrate but everyone seemed to enjoy it and they would certainly walk away from my hens night with a different kind of memory than what they could ever have expected.

Once the art lesson had finished and Garrett had packed up his things and left, Alice, Angela and Rosalie took me up to a spare room to begin getting me ready for our night out. Apparently many of us would be continuing out to some of the famous night clubs of New York. Grace, Esme and Renee had already conceded that their night would be spent at home, rather than trying to mingle with us young ones but were extremely happy to have spent the afternoon with us in such a fun way. Hmmmmm. Many of my friends headed back home to get changed into clothes appropriate for clubbing and were meeting us at nine o clock at Alice's choice of club. I knew this was where my torture started as Alice and Rosalie began their 'transforming Bella' routine.

The four of us were laughing at the different things that had happened this afternoon, including different people's reactions to the girl's little surprise.

"Did you see Kate's face. It was hilarious. She didn't know which way to look and every time she got the guts to try and draw all she could do was stare at his….. well… his you know what." Angela was in hysterics and we were all laughing alongside of her.

"Well, It was a bit hard to miss," Rosalie wiped at her eyes. "It was all a bit of fun though. I hoped you enjoyed yourself Bella."

I had to admit that I had enjoyed the afternoon. "I was surprised that Esme allowed Camille to stay though. I thought she might think she was a bit young."

"Oh I knew she would be ok with it because I told Jasper what we had planned because I was concerned that Camille would be here as well." Alice stated flippantly as she put another hot roller in my hair. "Esme said exactly what Jasper said she would. ' It's all in the name of art. The human body is a beautiful thing.'"

We all giggled as Alice mimicked the way Esme had spoken. She had her voice down to a tee and it was funny to see that Alice already knew Esme well enough to do so.

Our conversation continued to be light hearted as we got ourselves ready for the next part of the night. Angela put some music on in the background and we were bopping around having a ball. This felt good; being with my sisters and Angela. The four of us always had so much fun together and I thanked my lucky stars that it would always be like that; we would always be there for one another.

The beautiful dress that Alice had chosen for me was finally on and she was touching up my lip gloss when a commotion from outside the room made us frown at one another. Someone seemed to be screaming and we quickly barged out of the room and entered the hallway. My ashen faced father was standing there holding a sobbing Grace and Esme and Renee were standing helplessly beside her with tears streaming down their own faces. Something fell into the pit of my stomach and I reflexively felt like I was going to be sick. I froze in mid step, but Alice, Angela and Rosalie kept moving and were almost to the huddled group.

"What's wrong? What's happened?" Alice questioned and Renee reached for her as if in comfort.

"Oh god my baby. Not my baby." Grace was groaning into Charlie's chest and Esme went over to her to pull her into her own arms. Grace collapsed and only Esme's arms held her up. I began to see white spots in front of my eyes and realized that I had stopped breathing. I didn't want to hear what they had to say; I already knew something terrible had happened. I didn't need their words.

Charlie's red rimmed eyes looked right at me and I started to shake my head. "I am so sorry Bella. There's been an accident. They did what they could but Peter….he's…"

I put my hands over my ears so that I could drown out his words. This was not happening. I was not listening to such garbage.

"Don't say it," I yelled at my father and he flinched. "Don't say it," I repeated again and then I turned and ran towards the bathroom where I promptly emptied the contents of my stomach. Someone was knocking on the door and I vaguely recognised Angela's voice pleading for me to let her in. I ignored the tapping knowing that for a few moments I was alone. The door was locked as if the very motion could lock away all the bad things that waited for me on the other side. I climbed into the bath and pulled my knees up to hug my body, allowing my head to rest against the coolness of the tiles. This could not be happening. Peter could not be gone. It had to be a mistake. Only hours ago Peter had told me he loved me and that he always would. He wouldn't go back on that. We were a team. He wouldn't leave me. It was just not possible.

But then reality set in. I could still hear the gut wrenching wails from peter's mother as she cried for her only son. I could still see the haunted eyes of my father as he had to inform us of what had happened and suddenly I knew without a doubt that my best friend was gone and nothing could change it. I had no idea how or why…..I just knew that I was now living a nightmare. Peter had left me in the most permanent way possible.

I was being punished!

And Peter had been the one to pay the price.


	8. Chapter 8: Collision

Chapter 8

EPOV - Collision

"What do you mean you're not coming to the Bachelor night?" Jasper turned his body towards mine, his lanky figure resting against the passenger door. We were sitting in the traffic of New York City and my fingers were drumming the steering wheel incessantly. I was exasperated, not only with the traffic, but with my life in general. Up until last week I had been reasonably content with my life. I worked hard to be successful within my company, I traveled all over the world getting to see different lifestyles and I was happily single.

There was no longer anything happy about that status. I was still single but definitely not happy. Bella's face flashed before my eyes and I shook my head to relieve myself of the image. Fuck. How long was I going to be able to put up with this crap?

"Exactly what I said Jasper. I'm not coming." I stated flatly.

"But why? I know we've missed the golfing afternoon, because of my appointment, but we should be there in time for dinner and then drinks. It will be a great night. You have to be there."

I winced at the pleading tone that Jasper allowed to creep into his voice. I knew what it was all about. Not only was he asking me to be there as someone he wanted to spend time with but he wanted me there as the voice of reason should he need calming down. It had rocked him when he had lost control only a few days ago and he was nervous that in celebrating Peter's last hurrah as a single man he might find himself in a similar situation. I very much doubted it but the fact that he had just endured a hard hour and a half of recounting his life in the military to a complete stranger, might make him more vulnerable and susceptible to weakness. I felt selfish for not being able to give him the support he was asking for. He had just finished telling me how intense the whole counseling session had been and how he was looking forward to a night out with friends to help alleviate the painful memories he had been made to share. He wanted to be surrounded with good company and happy times instead. I couldn't contribute to that at all.

"You'll be fine Jasper. The other night was a one off and besides you'll have Peter, Emmett and even dad there."

"I'm not only worried about me Edward. Peter will be disappointed if you don't show up."

"Somehow I don't think so," I chuckled humorlessly. Jasper had no idea what had gone down between Peter and myself the day before and therefore would not understand that I was probably the last person Peter wanted to see right now.

A frustrated frown passed over Jasper's face before he spoke. "You've lost me Edward. I don't get it. Why wouldn't Peter want you there? Did the two of you get into some kind of fight? Does it have anything to do with James' actions yesterday?"

My mind buzzed with the numerous questions he was flinging at me. I was unsure of how to answer. Honesty had always been a key part of how we treated one another in our family and yet I found it hard to do that in this instant. I didn't want to see the disappointment on Jasper's face when he realized that I had overstepped the line with regards to Peter. I didn't want to add fuel to an already smoldering fire. My continued presence was already doing that enough. One look at Jasper's face told me what I needed to do. The truth was the only way.

"Peter is angry and upset with me and I have to say, rightly so," I gripped the steering wheel as I explained the way I had met Bella and how I tried to ignore the attraction I felt with her. I told him how I had wanted to kill James for laying his hands on her and lastly I related how Peter had come to see me after that altercation to find out what was going on between Bella and I. Jasper remained silent the whole time and the one time I allowed myself to look at him there was an expression of dawning understanding on his face. I quickly turned my attention back to the road and the slow moving traffic.

"So you can kind of see why Peter would not be welcoming me with open arms at his bucks tonight. I have managed to find myself with a slight crush on his girl. I am lucky he hasn't decked me yet. If the tables were turned I wouldn't be so calm; I wouldn't have let anyone or anything stand in the way of me being with Bella. I would have wanted to incapacitate anyone who even threatened what I had with her. He's a better man than me."

I waited patiently for his words of judgment and derision. Nothing was coming so I gave him my attention, only to find that he was staring at me intently. The words that left his mouth were not what I was expecting.

"You don't actually believe that you have a slight crush, do you?"

"What? I just told you that I am hurting your best friend and you ask me that. Of course it's a crush; it can't possibly be anything else. Where are your words of horror that I can even look at another man's girl the wrong way?"

"Edward. Never, ever have I seen you be anything but disengaged with girls. They throw themselves at you and you politely decline, they dress themselves up to the nines for you and you don't even notice that it's for you, they clamber to be the one that you finally say yes to and you ignore them. You can't possibly tell me that you've opened yourself up for a crush; that you've let the walls finally come down for something insignificant? That is so not you. It might not be the best situation; in fact it truly sucks but the truth is I should have seen this; you've finally fallen in love. If I hadn't been so engrossed in my own problems at the moment I would have. Shit Edward; this is really bad and way beyond unfair. You deserve better than this." Jasper was shaking his head in sympathy and the action made me seethe with unexplained emotion.

"What the hell is wrong with all of you? I have done something really, really fucking bad. I have let myself fall for someone that I have absolutely no right to. I am hurting my friends. I am making life difficult for people I have no wish to do so. I want that woman so bad that it literally hurts to know that next week I am going to have to stand there and watch her give herself to someone else and that the person she has chosen deserves her love. I can't fight that; no matter how much I want to and all I get from you, from Emmett, from Rosalie and even from Peter, himself, is understanding. I don't deserve that. I should NEVER HAVE LET THIS HAPPEN." My voice had reached a level that was uncomfortable in the small area of the car. The steering wheel bore the brunt of my anger. Jasper's gaze did not falter.

"I don't believe you LET anything happen Edward. And maybe the reason why everyone is so understanding is because we know you and we know that this would not have been something you would have chosen. It is beyond your control and as far as I can see you are the one who will be the most hurt. Sympathy is all we can offer you because we certainly can't give you acceptance. Bella is with Peter and you've lost something before you even got it. I am so sorry bro. I can't even imagine being in that situation. It really does suck."

There was nothing I could say. He was right; when it came down to it, it would be me that had to live with the fact that I would never have the woman I loved. Bella and Peter would have each other and they'd get to live their lives together as if I had never existed. Regardless of the pain that the thought shot through me it also gave me some comfort. I wanted Bella to be happy. She had become important to me in such a small amount of time and all I wanted for her was that she had the life that she wanted; the one she had chosen before she even knew me. If she couldn't be with me at least I knew she was with a good man; a person who would love her and treat her the way she deserved.

"And Bella? Does she know how you feel?"

I shrugged noncommittally and then decided to answer. "She's not stupid so she probably realized that I wasn't acting normally around her and after some of my actions over the past few days maybe she had an inkling, but I have never said anything to her. After Peter's visit that might have changed though. I have a feeling he intended to confront her about it. I just hope that I made him understand that this was all me; Bella never did anything.

Talking about it made me remember Peter's visit the night before.

_I had been expecting him so when he finally banged on the door of Emmett's apartment I was somewhat composed. I knew that the way I had reacted to James having his hands on Bella would clue Peter in that something was amiss. It had been too much. Not even he, as her fiancé, had appeared as ferocious as I had when I thought of the possibility of James harming her in any way. And then when James had suggested that Bella was a tease and cheat, I almost lost my mind with the need to get to him. Luckily Jacob had got there first because otherwise I could have been sitting in a jail cell right now._

"_Peter." I spoke with an edge to my voice as I opened the door and he quickly walked past me into the living room."Is Bella alright?" I couldn't help but ask even though I knew it could only make things worse._

_He nodded. "She's fine. Not hurt at all. Are Emmett and Rosalie here?" His eyes scanned the room and he appeared to be listening for any signs of life beyond the room we were currently standing in._

"_No," _

_Peter stood straighter and got straight to the point. I knew he would._

"_What's going on Edward?"_

_I didn't even attempt to pretend I didn't know what he was talking about. That would be entirely unfair. Regardless of everything, Peter was a friend. We might not be as close as he and Jasper were but we had known each other for years and he didn't need or want my dishonesty._

"_I didn't know she belonged with you Peter when we first met. As soon as I realized I tried to fight the attraction. I swear."_

_My explanation of the first night I met her was very much abridged. I wanted to be honest but I didn't want him to know the full extent of it. _

"_She never did anything to encourage me and you have to believe me when I say that she has never ever done anything wrong. She was just herself. She is devoted to you."_

_And then came the questions and the accusations and the explanations. I tried to remain calm, knowing that it was me in the wrong here, not Peter. He regaled me with proof that Bella loved him, that they knew each other inside and out, that they belonged together because they had been friends forever and they understood each other. Each and every word thrust into my heart because it was all true but a small part of me wondered if the type of love they had was truly what she deserved. They were comfortable. There were no surprises. They were dedicated. But was it enough? She should have passion and an all consuming love. I hoped to god that that was what they had and I hadn't seen it yet because I knew that it would have been what I could have given her if circumstances had been different. I wanted Peter to be the love of her life; not a shadow of what could have been._

_Finally Peter settled into a kind of acceptance. Time after time I had assured him that I was not going to try anything with his fiancé. Over and over I told him that Bella was not interested me in that way anyway; that this whole thing had been completely one sided. I offered to leave so that he would not feel threatened, even though he had nothing to feel threatened about; Bella loved him and not me. She would never do anything to ruin what they had. That made him stop and become thoughtful._

"_You love her, don't you Edward?"_

_I didn't answer. There was no relevant outcome by revealing myself entirely to him. He sighed in resignation._

"_I don't know what to do with this," His hands came up in supplication. "I trust Bella and even more oddly I trust you. I know that neither of you would deliberately hurt me but what if you can't control this? What if you decide that you can't live without her and that she realizes she feels the same way?"_

_So many what ifs….. none that I wanted to think about._

"_It won't happen Peter. She is marrying you. I am nothing to her but a person she has just met and who has acted a bit strange around her. She chose you."_

_He muttered and turned towards the door and it indicated that we were almost finished. "But that was before she met you."_

"_I don't believe it would have made any difference Peter. She loves you." I owed him some kind of comfort since I was the cause of his uncertainties. _

"_But there is the possibility that she might have chosen differently." Our eyes met and the haunted look in his eyes made me cringe. I've never felt so bad about anything in my entire life. "It would kill me if I thought I made her miss out on what she is entitled to"_

_What could I say to that? I had just been questioning exactly the same thing. I chose to stay silent and was relieved when he opened the apartment door, rather than pushing me for an insight into his girlfriend._

_I was about to shut the door when he turned back to me. "Edward I hope you understand when I ask you to do your best to stay away from her. You offered to leave New York but I know you're needed here for Jasper's sake so I want you to still come to the wedding." He looked down as if he was ashamed of his request but I fully understood it. He was being much better about this than I would have been. "And I am really sorry but I would prefer if you didn't come tomorrow night. I need time to deal with this and I don't want you involved in my life right now."_

_I couldn't deny that what he asked was more than fair so I nodded to let him know I would do what he asked. Not another word was said as I watched his dejected form walk away from me. _

And that is what led to this moment in time where I sat with my brother, explaining why I couldn't attend our friend's bucks night and admitting to loving a girl who had won my heart by doing absolutely nothing at all.

The traffic had sped up by now and we were finally out of the gridlock that New York's inner city provided on a daily basis. It was a relief to know that I needed to concentrate more fully on the road now that we were actually moving and Jasper allowed me the chance to stop talking about something that was painful for me to discuss. Emmett and Jasper had organized a golfing afternoon for Peter, followed by dinner and drinks at a resort on the outskirts of New York. They had booked rooms for everyone to stay overnight so that there would be no concerns of how we would all get back into town. Given that I was no longer attending, the least I could do was drop my brother off and leave him to enjoy the evening he had organized. I tried really hard not to think about Bella or Peter and how their evening had gone the night before. It was none of my concern as long as Peter had not hurt her and I had no doubt that that would never happen.

"What are you going to do now?" Jasper asked after a long period of silence.

"Drop you off and go home to Emmett's"

"You know that is not what I meant Edward."

"Sure sure. I am going to hang around and be there for you Jasper. They will get married and then will be off on their honeymoon. I can stay here with you until either you return to work or the end of their honeymoon; whichever comes first. I won't be here when they get back. I don't think I can deal with that to be honest." I noticed that my knuckles were white with tension on the steering wheel. "I will go back to Paris and I will continue doing what I have always done – work."

"But what if…. what on earth was that?" Jasper yelled in confusion as we both heard the sound of metal against metal and a loud crash. In that instant we rounded the corner to find a scene of destruction before us. I slammed on the brakes as did the car behind me and Jasper and I were instantly out of our respective doors and trying to assess the carnage before us. Jaspers sudden inability to move or speak told me that he was experiencing flashbacks and I needed to get him to move.

"Ring 911 Jasper. There are people caught in that car," I had already started moving towards the taxi that was pushed up against a power pole by a huge semi trailer. Another car was immobile beside the accident, but had obviously been involved as well, and a man groggily stepped out of his car. From where I was, I could see that he had a gash to his forehead but he wasn't my main concern. The people in the taxi were. I sprinted over to see if there was any way of getting them out of the car and felt a presence next to me. A man from the car behind me was yelling for me to check the driver and he would see if there was any way of helping the passengers.

I tried to remain calm and detached as I examined the accident site but on closer inspection I recognized that there was no longer any way for me to do so. This was now personal because as soon as I opened the driver's side of the cab it became apparent who the passengers were and my heart set to racing a million miles an hour.

There was blood everywhere; coming from the taxi drivers' mouth, dripping from Peter's leg, covering the side of Emmet's head. The smell of it was nearly incapacitating but I had to ignore it. Three lives depended on it. I reached out for the pulse point of the taxi driver and found nothing; crap make that two lives.

"They're on their way," Jasper wheezed as he got to my side and then swore as he saw who the passengers were. "God no, this can't be happening."

"Go around the other side and see if you can open Peter's door," I demanded and Jasper was quick to respond. I noted that the other driver who had stopped had got Emmett's door open but wasn't sure what to do now.

_Please be alive, please be alive._

The ashen face of my best friend showed no life at all. He had apparently knocked his head against the side window on impact if the shattered glass was any indication. The unknown man checked for a pulse.

"He's alive, just out of it. What do I do?." The man went to move Emmett and Jasper yelled through the broken window.

"Don't move him. The paramedics will be here any moment. You don't want to do any other damage. We have no idea where he is hurt."

Jasper continued pulling at the passenger door. It was crumpled in on itself and he wasn't having any success at all.

Peter's groggy voice cut through the haze of panic I was experiencing as I tried to think of the best way to deal with this situation.

"Agghhhhhh… what happened? God….so….much…..pain."

_Thank god he was alive too._

I leant over the taxi driver's body, disregarding that I was in contact with a dead body and placed myself in Peter's line of vision.

"Peter. You've been in an accident. We're going to get you out of here as soon as possible. You will be alright mate."

His eyes seemed unfocused but he still managed to ask about Emmett.

"Emmett is behind you Peter. We will get him out as soon as we can too. The paramedics are on their way. Stay with me."

"I can't move my legs. They are stuck." I looked down at Peter's legs and saw that they were entrapped by the metal of the car having come in on itself. I could only imagine the pain he was experiencing. By now Jasper had the door open and was clutching Peter's hand in support. "I need to get out of here. I can't get my legs out." Peter's voice was now in a panic and he was maniacally attempting to move his body out from its confines.

"Stay still Peter. I know you're hurting but someone will be here to get you out." Jasper was the one to speak in a comforting tone. I couldn't put any strength behind my body as I attempted to move the metal away from his legs to afford him some sort of relief.

I addressed the man in the back with Emmett. "Can you help me move the taxi driver out of the way so I can get to Peter?"

His eyes widened at the thought of moving the dead man but I shut my mind off from the idea of it and we heaved his body out of the cab so that I could have better access to Peter. As we put the man's body down away from the accident the truck driver came to me in an absolute panic.

"You need to get them out of the car right now," he yelled. "I am carrying fuel and the car is sparking. Any moment now it could blow."

Every swear word imaginable went through my mind as I bolted back to my brother and our two friends in the car. "You two get Emmett out of the back. We haven't got time to wait now." I scurried around to Jasper and pulled him away from Peter's side so that Peter would not hear our conversation. I explained quickly that the car was in danger of exploding and that we had to somehow get Peter out before that happened.

"Where are the emergency services?" We both knew that time was running out on us and we needed the proper people and equipment to get Peter out. They weren't here. We had no option but to get him out ourselves.

"We can't wait," I breathed yet again and raced around to the driver's side to climb back in to be close to Peter. Both Jasper and I grasped the thrusting metal crumpled over Peter's legs and tried desperately to pull. Peter attempted to help us but his strength was limited and I could see that he was gradually losing consciousness.

"I can smell smoke," Peter gasped through his pain and Jasper and my eyes met across the top of him. I raised my head to look towards the front of the car and sure enough small billows of smoke were escaping the bonnet.

"Keep pulling," We continued to grapple with the mangled mess as if we could somehow get it to move. The truck driver joined our efforts but it wouldn't budge. The car was beginning to fill with dark fumes and my throat constricted with panic as my eyes started to water. Sirens could now be heard in the distance and I prayed to god that they would get here in time for Peter.

The sparks, that the truck driver had warned us about, were now small flickers of yellow flame that were visible between the twisted metal. Frantically we continued our attempts to free Peter to no avail. The heat was becoming unbearable within the car and sweat was beading our bodies. I looked down at my hands wrapped around the pieces of metal and noticed that they were red raw; somehow I didn't feel the pain of it but the knowledge of what it meant made me want to throw up. We were running out of time; we weren't going to make it. As soon as that fire hit the fuel tanker we would all be dead; there was nothing we could do to stop it.

I saw the moment when Peter realized what was about to happen and I swore I saw acceptance very quickly follow the terror.

"Get out of here," He choked and tried valiantly to push jasper away from his spot by his side. Jasper didn't budge. "All of you get out of here."

Jasper and I spoke at the same time "No! We're not leaving you." A paralyzing fear enveloped me and I had a moment of doubt. I didn't want to be burnt alive but there was no way I could leave his side either. My mind reeled with the hopelessness of our situation. We all deserved to live!

"Jasper. Edward. Don't do this. You can save yourselves….." He coughed violently as if he was about to throw up. "You have to do that for me. I need you to look after Bella. She can't lose all of us at once. Tell her I love her and to be happy. I know you love her Edward. She will be fine with you. Please, please …..leave me and…get out…..of…here," 

The burly truck driver tugged urgently at Jasper before realizing that Jasper had no intention of saving himself. He moved his arms to tighten around Jasper's chest and pulled Jasper kicking and screaming obscenities away from the car.

Peter grasped my shirt and pulled me close to him. "Follow him Edward. Do it for Bella. She is going to need you."

"Don't ask me to do this Peter. I can't leave you…. She will never forgive me….I would never forgive myself."

With a supreme effort he clenched his teeth and shoved me backwards. "You owe me Edward Cullen. I don't…..want ….you ….here."

Adrenaline like I had never experienced before coursed through me.

"No! You don't get to make that choice," I snarled as I began to attack the metal with even more strength and determination. I felt the metal suddenly move slightly and felt a moment of triumph. "See, it's moving we can get you out of here. I'm not leaving without you." As I spoke Peter's body slumped forward and he no longer appeared to be conscious. A gurgling sound came from his throat. I would get no help from him. I screamed for Jasper and the truck driver let him go so that they were almost immediately at my side. The truck driver was yelling at us to hurry up but he still remained with us as we finally manipulated the wreckage so that Peter could be pulled from its jagged imprisonment. His legs were a mangled mess, blood running freely from a number of incisions made from the metal, but at least he was free.

We staggered underneath the heaviness of Peter's unconscious body but somehow we made it away from the car and over towards the place where Emmett lay. I looked over my shoulder to watch in horror as the car and truck exploded simultaneously, sending fragments of hot metal and balls of fire into the air and out around us. A blast of heat reached us and the shock of the explosion sent us all flying through the air before we landed in a mess of limbs on the ground. I struggled to find my feet and reached for Peter's limp body. I could hear Jasper's voice through the ringing of my ears but all my attention was on Peter and what I already knew to be true. Not only was he unconscious but he had stopped breathing altogether. I immediately began CPR on his body; Jasper assisting and taking over compressions when we realized that my hands were in no state to push to the correct point.

The paramedics arrived and took over in a calm and professional manner.

Emmett was transferred into an ambulance, still unconscious.

Police began to question the drivers.

The fire brigade doused the flames with their water.

Strangers looked on in horror and confusion.

Paramedics continued to work on bringing Peter back to us.

Jasper and I waited tensely for any indication that Peter would breath again…we didn't get it.

We had managed to get him out of the explosion but we hadn't saved him in the end.

Jasper was silent and I sobbed uncontrollably.

Because we knew…..we'd failed and Peter was gone.


	9. Chapter 9: Aftermath

Chapter 9

EPOV- Aftermath

Pulling the hanging curtain aside I found my brother sitting on the hospital bed staring into space. He barely flinched as I sat heavily on the bed beside him. My hands were bandaged, as were his and both of us had a few cuts and bruises evident on our bodies from the impact of the explosion. We had both got off lightly.

"Tell me that this is just a really bad nightmare," He whispered, without looking at me at all. He appeared lifeless and beyond any kind of help. Fate had decided that Jasper needed to be hammered yet again and I wasn't sure how much more he could deal with.

"I can't. I'm sorry Jazz," I wanted to give him some sort of comfort but I was exhausted myself and I knew that this was nowhere near finished. He nodded minutely and then his glassy eyes met mine.

"Is there any news about Emmett?"

I had no chance to answer because we were suddenly engulfed in the arms of our father who had sped into the room at a hundred miles per hour.

"Oh thank god. Are you two ok?" He released his hold of us and began to search our faces and bodies for signs that we weren't. His professional eye obviously told him that we were physically reasonable, besides the burns to our hands.

"Dad. We're okay," I struggled to change position on the bed so that I could face him more cleanly. "But…..but Peter…..god dad…. we tried so hard to…but he didn't…..he didn't make it."

Pain crossed the features of our father and he pressed his hands to each of our shoulders. "I know. Rick is with him now. Charlie has gone to tell Grace and Bella what has happened." The heaviness of the situation lay on me. How could we face any of them knowing that we weren't able to save their son; their fiancé; their friend?

"Emmett? Do you know what is happening with him? The last time we saw him he was unconscious and no one has been able to tell us anything," I looked at Jasper for confirmation that what I was saying was true. 

Jasper looked blankly back at me. "Please let Emmett have made it. Please god."

Carlisle moved out of the room with the promise that he would find out what was happening and the two of us sat silently; lost in our own thoughts of loss and guilt. Time didn't really have any kind of meaning for us in that moment but soon enough we were no longer alone. A small sound alerted us to this fact and both our heads whipped up in the hope that Carlisle had returned with some good news for us. Instead we found a clearly distraught Alice staring uncertainly at us.

"Jazz?" Alice's sing song voice was over ridden with despair. Her red rimmed eyes conveyed all the hurt tonight's accident had provided for a number of people. Jasper shook his head slightly and dropped his head so that he could no longer see her face. Her body instantly moved and she was soon grasping Jasper around his body, whispering soothing words into his ears. When she reached her arm out for me I allowed her to cocoon me in her embrace as well. She kissed his forehead and leant over to do the same to me.

" I can not tell you how relieved I am to see you two; to hold you and know that you are okay," It was hard to miss the guilt underlying the words as she spoke. She was happy that her boyfriend was alive but couldn't disregard the fact that someone else she loved had lost their life tonight. She took her arm away from my body and gripped Jasper's cheeks so that he could not look away from her. "I do not know what I would have done if we had lost you too. Jasper there are no words….I just can't even…"

"Shh baby. It's okay. I'm here. I am not going anywhere." He allowed her to cling to his chest and looked at me over her shoulder. The guilt reflected in his eyes would have to be mirrored in mine.

Alice pulled back from him and wiped at her eyes fiercely before addressing us both. "Your mum is with Rosalie. Carlisle rang to let her know that the two of you were pretty much okay. I think she felt that Rosalie needed a mother figure right now with what was happening with Emmett and my mum is with Bella. Esme will be along soon I have no doubt. She was beside herself when she found out you were involved in the accident as well."

"How is…..is Bella…..?" I couldn't bring myself to ask what I needed to know because really there was only one answer. Bella would not be okay and it was highly likely that she wouldn't be okay for a very long time.

"Angela and Renee stayed with her. She locked herself in the bathroom." Alice began to lightly sob again and Jasper drew her closer. "I can't imagine what she is going through. I should be there with her but I needed to see you. I needed to see you with my own eyes to make sure they hadn't made a mistake in saying that you were fine. Mum said that Rose and I should be with our men; that you would need us. Was she right? Do you need me Jasper?"

Jasper buried his face into her hair and gripped her more tightly. I could still hear his words clearly when he spoke."I will always need you Alice. Always!"

Their closeness and relief to have not lost one another made me feel even more alone. I chose to get up and give them their time together even though the nurse had asked Jasper and I to stay put until the doctor could come and give us permission to leave. As I walked out of the room I literally ran into my mother, bumping her into the wall and unable to grab her because of my bandaged hands. Before I could even apologise Esme had her arms wrapped around me in an intense display of emotion. Words of love and comfort dripped from her lips as she held me tightly. My mother was an immensely loving and giving woman and the fact that two of her children had been involved in a horrific accident would have been hard for her to fathom. I had no doubt that we were in for a prolonged period of attention in the form of hugs and reconfirmation of her love. I couldn't find it in myself to resent what I knew was to come. It meant we were alive and that our parents weren't dealing with what Grace and Rick were now dealing with. My mother could have whatever she wanted.

"Jasper?" My mum questioned and I pointed through the door where we could both see Jasper and Alice entwined with one another. Her eyes scanned him restlessly and the she sighed in relief. She now had proof that both her sons were safe. She walked into the room and I followed her. Alice moved out of the way so that Esme could give her son a hug.

"Emmett has just woken up. Rosalie is with him. He is quite groggy from the knock he took and he's had a few stitches to his head but your father said that he will be alright. He is concussed and has quite a headache apparently but….."

"He is going to make it," Jasper finished for her and for the first time we were able to give each other a half hearted smile.

The doctor chose that moment to come into the room and look over Jasper and my notes. He quickly checked our wounds and gave us permission to be checked out of the hospital. Alice had brought us some fresh clothes to change into which made me extremely relieved considering the state of the clothes we had walked into the hospital with. When we were entirely ready we walked down to the section of the hospital where Emmett's room was. On arrival we found Emmett asleep and Rosalie with her head beside his shoulder and her arm curled up over his chest. She startled at the sound we made as we walked in and lifted her head to sadly look at us.

"Hi Jasper and Edward. Glad to see that you two are okay." She glanced at Emmett to see if he was still sleeping. " He is going to be alright too. Thank you for saving him." Rosalie's eyes watered with the depth of her gratitude and both Jasper and I had to look away.

"Does he know?" That was Jasper.

Rosalie nodded. "Carlisle told him and they had to pretty much sedate him straight away for his own good. Losing Peter is going to be hard for everyone. I still can't believe this has happened."

There was very little to do but wait so the four of us sat together in silence. Emmett's steady breathing was kind of comforting in the silence and we were lulled into a false sense of peace that could not possibly last. When Renee walked through the door I knew how it would be broken and the thought of Bella in her pain made me gasp with foreboding. Renee quickly enquired about Emmett, Jasper and my well being and then sighed heavily.

"Alice and Rose. Bella needs you now. She is going to say her goodbyes," Both of the girls were instantly at their feet and following their mother out if the door. Jasper and I could not stay put so walked out a reasonable distance from them. We weren't sure that our presence would help right now, even though Jasper wanted to be there for Alice.

My stride faltered and I almost tripped over my own feet when I saw Bella in the hallway ahead of us. She looked so small and fragile. The spark of life that she usually exuded was absent and she looked completely lost and broken. My heart splintered a little more for her pain. She did not deserve any of this. She should be out enjoying her special night knowing that next week she would be marrying Peter and living happily ever after. It wasn't fair that it had all been stolen from her. I despised fate at that moment. I really did.

Alice and Rosalie had their arms around Bella and she was clinging to them with very little thought. Jasper's quick intake of breath told me that he was feeling for Bella as well. The sound made me pull my gaze from the awful picture of a dejected Bella for a minute and when I returned it to her, her head was lifted and she was looking right back at us. There was nothing to tell me that she knew who we were; her face remained blank as she flicked her eyes back down and allowed herself to be guided into the room where Peter's body was. She moved robotically, as if she was on auto pilot. If only I could go to her and give her some semblance of comfort; take away her pain and let her know that she wasn't alone.

As the Swan family entered the room as a united front I clearly saw Grace Woods leaning over her son, stroking his head lovingly as Rick watched in defeat. Grace rose quietly when Bella was maneuvered into a place next to her and she reached out to hold her tightly against her.

So much pain. Too much pain. I couldn't bear to see it anymore. I turned away from the heartbreaking scene before us and made my way back to Emmett's room.

Life was not fair; not at all!


	10. Chapter 10: Saying Goodbye

Chapter 10

BPOV – Saying Goodbye

A car driven by a drunk driver swerves in front of a semi trailer causing the truck driver to slam on his brakes and try valiantly to miss any other vehicle on the road. He is unsuccessful and must now live with the knowledge that through no fault of his own, his truck and livelihood has just been involved in the demise of a human life.

It was a daily occurrence on the news; accidents caused by bad choices; innocent lives being snuffed out by unthinking decisions made in the spur of the moment. Usually we watch, saddened by the loss but not really touched by it. Those people are strangers to us; people to feel sorry for but in the end not really impacting on our own lives.

This time it was different. This time we had to live with the consequences.

If I could have stayed in the haven of my room for the rest of my life I would have gladly done it. Nothing meant anything to me. Not the comings and goings of my sisters as they endeavored to make my life easier through providing every little thing I needed. Not the soft words of sympathy that passed the lips of those people who entered my room in the hopes of getting me out of my self imposed exile from life. Not the constant buzzing of my mobile as text after text came in offering condolences and assistance. People wanted to know what they could do to help and there was no answer I could honestly give except the one that was way beyond any of our means.

_Bring Peter back to me. Let this all be one huge mistake. Give me back my best friend._

Today was the funeral. I knew it ….but I chose to pretend that it wasn't happening. I buried my face deeper into the pillows thus reinforcing my whole approach to ignoring the inevitable. My mother, Alice and Rosalie took turns to come in and remind me that I needed to get ready; that this was my opportunity to say my goodbyes. I remained safely ensconced in my bed. I had said my goodbyes on the night he had died, carefully held up by my family as I reached out to touch him one last time. He had looked so serene that I could almost believe that he was simply asleep. That was before I had touched him. He had been so cold and that was when it truly hit me; my warm blooded and warm hearted fiancé was gone. He had left me to live my life without his constant support. I wasn't sure how to do that.

A light knock on the door made me bury myself even further into the comfort of the doona. Why couldn't they understand that I just wanted to be left alone?

"Bella?" the timid voice came through the closed door and I was immediately alert. This was a person I needed to acknowledge; this was a person who was overpowered with guilt and didn't deserve to be. I should have made sure that he knew this before now. I was losing myself in my own despair.

"Come in," I countered and checked that I was halfway decent; not revealing anything that should not be shown. It was the first time that I had cared about anything because I didn't want to break the fragility of the man who was about to enter my room. Sitting up I faced the door, clenching the doona tightly within my hands.

When he came in I saw the pain and guilt I knew would be there. We looked at one another warily as he tugged at the bottom of his hair.

"Is it okay if I come in?" His voice was hoarse and unsure. I nodded at him and he came over to my bed and carefully perched himself on the side. When I crossed my legs to make room for him he moved to mirror my stance and sat facing me so that he was cross legged too. Sadness underpinned both our movements and expressions.

We sat like that for a while, not feeling the need to immediately speak. His presence was kind of like a balm on my shattered nerves though and I internally thanked him for that little bit of a reprieve. It was like he understood that I had no words to convey the way I felt and that I needed the silence more than I needed the questions. It was probably the same for him. After a while though I knew he had come in for a reason and I wondered when he would speak. I didn't have to wait too much longer.

"Are you going?" There was no judgment or accusation in the words; just a question.

"I don't want to." I answered honestly and it made him sigh.

"I don't want to either." He struggled to get his next words out and when he did it made me recognise the depth of his feelings; feelings he should not have. "….because I don't believe I deserve to be there."

It surprised me when I realized that I had reached across without thought and was gripping his knees with determination.

"You can't possibly believe that. You were….you are…his best friend. Noone deserves to be there more than you."

"Except you," He let the statement hang in the air. His intent was clear. If I believed my own words to him then I should be attending too.

"You're right Jasper. I do deserve to say goodbye properly but more than anything I owe it to him to make sure I am there."

"We both do. Bella. I just don't know how….how to do this. Over all of these years, no matter where I was or how far away we were from one another, he was my rock. He grounded me, supported me, made sure I knew I was valued….."

Tears came unbidden to my eyes. "He did exactly the same things for me Jasper."

He gripped my hands hard; a little too hard but I didn't let myself wince at the pain. "I am so sorry Bella… he did all of that and yet when he needed me…..when it counted the most….I couldn't….I couldn't help him. I should have been able to…..you shouldn't be dealing with this pain. I don't deserve to be there today."

I resisted the urge to tug my hands away from his strong grip and use those hands to shake him senseless. Instead I gently maneuvered my hands so that he had to relinquish his hold and I could place them on his shoulders.

"I know what you want from me Jasper Cullen. You want me to yell at you; to tell you that you can't go; tell you that this is all your fault and that way you have an excuse not to be there. You'll have an excuse to hide away from the pain of having to say goodbye to OUR best friend just like I have been trying to do all morning." The look of surprise that flitted across his face was almost laughable. He wasn't even aware of what he was doing. I knew. I knew because I had been doing exactly the same thing. It had to stop right now.

"Well it's not going to happen because I know, Jasper. I know what you and Edward did. I know that you risked your life to help him; to stay with him. I know that you did everything humanly possible to get him out of that car to save his life. I am more than aware that the two of you made sure that regardless of everything else there would be a body…." and my voice hitched hysterically at the thought of what I was saying "…for us to mourn. So don't come in here looking for me to give you excuses Jazz because as far as I am concerned you were the very best of friends for Peter right up to the end. You and I…..we are both going to be there to show him how much we loved him and respected him."

I was crying openly now and found myself moving involuntarily onto Jasper's lap so that he could wrap his arms around me in comfort. He held me, giving me endless whispered words of support and understanding, until the embarrassing emission of tears ceased and I was able to speak again, muffled against his chest.

"I have my own guilt, you know, Jasper," I shuddered at the thought that Peter had died knowing that he no longer held my heart in its entirety; that I had managed to slip and allow someone else to creep so tantalizingly close to what should have been only his. I would live with that guilt for a long time to come. I ached with it.

Jasper didn't answer; just continued to hold me until I looked at him earnestly "But Peter wouldn't have wanted us to feel bad about things that were so completely out of our control so…I think we have somewhere we need to be right now. Don't you?"

"Yes Bella. We can do this one together."

There were hundreds of people crammed into that small place of worship; of lamentation; of opportunity …..and yet I was only aware of a handful of them. Rick and Grace in their all encompassing grief. My family, always supportive. Emmett because of my concern that he was not well enough to be here after what he had been through. Jasper because his hand was tightly entwined with mine as he sat next to me, with my sisters hand over both of ours. And Edward….because I couldn't be anything but aware of him even as I resented that need and the extremely poor timing of it. He was sitting rigidly next to me, not touching me at all, and I could only imagine that he was as uncomfortable as I was with the seating arrangements. Emmett had forced his hand when they had walked into the church together and now there was nothing to do but try and ignore my overwhelming need to lash out at him for making me hurt Peter or, contradictorily curl up into him for some kind of moral support. Highly inappropriate and yet another cause for the constant guilt I was feeling.

Grace and Rick sat in front of me. Rick had his arms around his wife in a gentle demonstration of his love and support. She looked so fragile, so downtrodden and I couldn't comprehend what it must be like to lose your child; lose one of the things in your life that gave it the most meaning.

They were surrounded by family and when I had come in, the offer was made for me to sit with them but I politely declined, instead finding a seat behind them where I could not see the coffin so clearly. I looked everywhere but at the place where I knew Peter now lay. He wasn't meant to be there, in that small box. Everything about him was way too big to be trapped in such a small place; his heart, his love for others, his general zest for life. Too small. Too big. Too much.

I felt the warmth of my father's hand as he placed it on my shoulder, showing me that they were here for me, for all of us. I looked behind me to give him a small smile of thanks and saw the sympathetic faces of both my parents and Carlisle and Esme who were all sitting behind us. Feeling the tears threaten, yet again, I rolled my shoulders and turned back to the front and my study of the glass stained window above the alter.

The minister started the service and my mind began to swim with images of Peter, rather than listening to his words of praise and condolences. I found myself drowning in a sea of memories; trying to grasp the concept that this was all we had now, that there were no more memories to be made. I must have made a small noise of denial because Jasper and Alice's hand tightened on my own and Edward's face turned down to me in concern. His own face was etched with strain as if he was struggling with some unknown demon but I pulled away from the thought. This moment was about Peter and us giving him the send off he deserved; that he had earned by loving us all the way he did. Edward's demons would have to wait.

Friends and family got up to speak about Peter; about his goodness and his willingness to have fun. As hard as I concentrated on their speeches I struggled to actually take it all in. I was losing myself in the despair again. I wanted to escape. I wanted to make it all go away.

And then Alice got up. My sweet, brave sister did what I should have been able to do but would never be able to bring myself to. She gave Peter the respect that we all wanted for him. She said the words that showed him that we loved him and wished that things had been different. She was the one that gave him his warranted farewell…..and I had never loved her as much as I did in that moment.

"Peter was an amazing man but I don't have to tell any of you here that because you all know it. It is the reason you are here. Peter loved his family…" Alice smiled directly at Grace and Rick through the tears that were glistening on her eyelashes. " He loved his friends and he loved my sister…" Her eyes flicked to the ceiling and I knew she was trying so hard to keep herself in control. Jasper tensed next to me. "….enough to want to spend the rest of his life with her and he did that… his life may have been way too short for our liking…..we would have selfishly kept him here with us forever if we could have but…the fact is that Peter lived life to the fullest and would have wanted us to celebrate that…." She lifted her hand and pressed a button on a remote control so that Peter's face stared down at all of us from a screen that had been pulled down. "So we've put something together to give him his wish… we are going to concentrate on celebrating the happiness of Peter's life."

Music flooded the church and my head lifted as I heard the strains of one of Peter's favourite artists, Adele, echo through my mind.

_When the rain is blowing in your face,_

_And the whole world is on your case,_

_I could offer you a warm embrace,_

_To make you feel my love_

Peter as a small child in the arms of his doting mother, Peter being chased by his father on some faraway beach, hair blowing in the wind and an expression of absolute glee on his face. Peter with his arm wrapped around the shoulder of Jasper as they smiled crookedly and cheekily at the camera.

_When the evening shadows and the stars appear,_

_And there is no one there to dry your tears,_

_I could hold you for a million years,_

_To make you feel my love_

School photos; Jasper always right there by his side and sometimes brief glimpses of Emmett and Edward as families got together. Peter dressed up for trick or treating. Peter learning how to ride a bike. Peter with his love of life always shining there for the camera to pick up. Peter never showing anything but joy in whatever he was doing.

My heart constricted a little.

_I know you haven't made your mind up yet,_

_But I would never do you wrong,_

_I've known it from the moment that we met,_

_No doubt in my mind where you belong._

More images of Peter but this time I was there too. I gasped at the photos they had chosen that showed the unspoken and natural love we had for one another before we even knew it. It was in the protective way he wrapped me in his arms or the way we looked at each other as we laughed at some unseen event off camera. Through the haze of memories I felt Edward twist in on himself as he attempted to make himself smaller, make himself not hurt so much. I wanted to reach out to him and let him know he would be okay but I couldn't drag myself away from the flashing photos on the screen. Now was Peter's time. Later….later I could help Edward. Tell him that this was not his fault.

_I'd go hungry, I'd go black and blue,_

_I'd go crawling down the avenue,_

_No, there's nothing I wouldn't do,_

_To make you feel my love_

Photos of us grinning as he held my hand to show off the engagement ring he had given me. Photos of hugs and kisses as people congratulated us. Photos of graduation. Pictures of pride and relief that we could move on with the next aspect of our lives.

Only it didn't happen that way.

_The storms are raging on the rolling seas,_

_And on the highway of regret,_

_Though winds of change are throwing wild and free,_

_You ain't seen nothing like me yet_

Photos of family and friends; people who were important in Peter's lives as was evident from the attention and the smiles and the touches he gave each and every one of them.

Such a loving person. Such a good man. How could he possibly deserve this ending? How could we possibly live without him in our lives?

_I could make you happy, make your dreams come true._

_Nothing that I wouldn't do._

_Go to the ends of the earth for you._

_To make you feel my love._

Peter. Kind

Peter. Smart

Peter. Good

Peter. Gone

And there was no possible way that I could keep the tears from escaping now. It had been a moving tribute to my fiancé but it reminded me of everything we had lost. My silent sobs were racking my body with grief now and I pushed forward so that I could take in huge gulps of air without being completely open to everyone around me. Emmett reached across Edward to rub my back. I knew the touch of his huge hands without even looking but when I turned my head slightly to thank him it was Edward's eyes that caught my gaze instead and I cringed away from the blatant agony in his eyes as he watched my own suffering. He was sending me out a silent message and it seemed to say…

_I am so sorry. I tried._

_I would give anything to bring him back for you._

_I would sacrifice myself if I could just make your pain go away._

_I want to touch you and make you feel better._

_But I can't. It's not my place. It has never been my place._

I was mesmerized by the controlled rigidity of his body which was in direct contrast to the openness of what he was trying to convey with his eyes. Only when Jasper spoke into my ear was I able to tear myself away from Edward's silent pleading and recognise that I was still sitting in the pew of a church, saying goodbye to the man who had always meant so much to me. I was dumbstruck at just how much Edward's presence could make me forget for even one moment where I was at. Nausea hit me and I took in a deep breath to counteract the feeling.

"It's time Bella," I watched uncertainly as Grace and Rick went forward to the coffin and paid their last respects. Rick almost had to carry Grace away from it when her knees buckled beneath her. They returned to their seats and other family members followed their lead and soon everyone around me were saying their own goodbyes. I knew that everyone was waiting for me to do what was expected of me but I couldn't move; couldn't bring myself to say goodbyes with everyone in that church watching my every action. I think the minister realized my dilemma and gave me some leeway by finishing off the service and dismissing the people from the church. Too slowly they exited and soon it was just me and Alice and Rosalie sitting in our seats waiting for what I would do next. I wasn't even sure of what it would be.

I rose quietly and walked the few steps over to the closed casket. Was he really in there? Where was he right now? Was he watching down on all of us and happy to see that he meant something to so many people? Did he see the interaction between Edward and I and think that I was somehow betraying him, even here at his funeral? Was there pain wherever he was? Did he love what Alice and Rosalie had put together for him? Would he ever forgive me?

I stroked the hard woodiness of the casket, feeling the coldness and the smoothness at the same time. It wasn't him but I spoke anyway.

"I hope you know how much I loved you Peter. How much you will always be in my heart. I want to say sorry for any little or big thing I ever did that caused you pain. I'd give anything to know that you are… that you were happy. I love you." I leant down to kiss the wood and wished that it was Peter's beautiful face that I was kissing instead. The tears rolled down and I turned away quickly to land into the arms of Alice and Rosalie who were there waiting patiently; who would always be there for me.

We walked out together into the warmth of the sunshine and I wasn't even sure if I would ever feel warm again. Alice and Rose tried hard to ensure that I was never alone as I was bombarded with people wanting to give me their love and support. It was all too much but something that had to be borne. I did it on auto pilot, muttering my thanks and pretending that I was interested in the mundane things that people were telling me about their lives as a distraction. It wasn't until I heard a high pitched voice speaking with venom that I was pulled out of my lackluster approach to those around me.

"You have a nerve even being here at all. How could you have sat through that entire service and felt that you had the right to be there, knowing what you did to him?"

I approached the side of the building where I could hear the horrible words coming from and I was already seeing red. I knew whose voice I was hearing. Victoria. Peter's cousin. But I had no idea who she was directing her scathing attack at and it really didn't matter. She had no right to be decimating Peter's memory by arguing with a guest at his funeral.

If I thought I was angry before it was nothing compared to how I felt when I saw who was on the other side of her spiteful comments and realized that he was doing absolutely nothing to defend himself, just standing there trying to pull at his hair but unable to do so because of his bandaged hands. His back was almost entirely to me so he didn't register my approach. Victoria's eyes widened as she saw my hand reach for the top of his bandaged hand and then move up his bare skin to land just under his elbow where I encircled his arm with my long fingers. I felt his shudder and then the following relaxation of his body which had been all tensed up until this point. I didn't focus on his response to me but did look at Victoria with determination in my eyes and tried to remain calm.

"Victoria. I know you're upset. We all are, but there is no point throwing accusations at someone who doesn't deserve them."

"He should have saved him. He was right there and he got out of it. How did Peter manage not to be so lucky? He could have done more." Victoria was about to say more but I couldn't let her keep talking. What she was saying was so unfair and I had no doubt it was reinforcing what Edward would have already been telling himself. She was doing way too much damage here.

"That's enough!" My voice cracked with anger. "You don't know what you're talking about and you have no right. I want you to leave now Victoria."

Victoria spluttered a little and Edward's mouth moved as if he wanted to say something. She moved away to rejoin the others at the front of the church while I leant against the wall and closed my eyes against my sudden tiredness. I wanted to go home now. Go back to the safety of my room again and lock myself away so that I didn't have to deal with this kind of crap.

"I'm sorry Bella. I truly am," Pain and guilt. Always pain and guilt. Could it ever be anything different?

My hand was still encircling his arm and he was looking down at it in confusion. I dropped it and pushed myself away from the wall.

"I don't want or need your apologies Edward because I know the truth. You can't blame yourself for what happened. You were there for Peter when no one else was. You helped him and I will always appreciate that. I will never blame you for what you did that day. There is no blame to be had."

"But I…." His attempt to oppose what I said made me angry all over again. I held my hand up to him. He needed more but I couldn't give it to him. I was red raw already and my wounds were nowhere near healing so that I could help someone else do so.

"Don't! I can't do this right now. I don't want to be here. I don't want to watch the guilt eat away at you when there was nothing you could have done. I need you to believe that I don't blame you. I need you to give me one less thing to feel bad about. Please, Edward, please."

He was struck with remorse and I could no longer look at him. He nodded as I turned away and left him to his own devices. I wanted to take him into my arms like Jasper had done for me earlier today and make all his concerns go away; maybe even make some of mine go away too but it would be wrong so I didn't.

Instead I just walked away and escaped, hoping that no one would follow. That they would let me make my escape. That they'd let me ignore the need to be there for someone other than Peter. That they'd let me find a place where Peter was all I registered.

_Peter._

_Peter._

_I am so sorry Peter._

_I truly am!_


	11. Chapter 11

Chapter 11

EPOV – Drowning Sorrows

Time marches on regardless of our circumstances or the things happening around us. Three weeks had passed since Peter's tragic death and like everyone else I was feeling the guilt, pain, anger, sympathy, denial that such a loss brings about for anyone directly involved in such an event.

On Saturday Bella lost her fiancé, Rick and Grace lost their son and the rest of us lost a friend.

On Wednesday he was buried amid a beautiful tribute that made my guilt magnify tenfold as I sat beside the love of his life and wondered how I could not touch her; how I could not reach out and help her through such an agonizing time; how I could possibly keep my feelings in for her when all I wanted to do was protect her and take away every small hurt she was experiencing.

On Thursday Bella shut herself away from the world again, asking to be left alone to deal with her grief in the best way she could. No one agreed that this was what was best for her but no one was willing to push her into something different when we knew she had the daunting task of getting through Saturday ahead of her; the day she should have become Mrs Bella Woods.

Saturday dawned and everyone was on tenterhooks worrying about how she would handle the storm of feelings that would no doubt rear their ugly heads on this day. The only people who would find out firsthand were Rosalie and Alice because Bella kept herself sequestered in her apartment and room for the entirety of the day and they were the only ones she would open up to at all. When the group of us met up that night for a catch up session, Rosalie and Alice could only shake their heads in the negative and let us know that Bella was doing as best as she could under the circumstances. It didn't evade my attention that Rosalie and Alice were a little more clingy that night with their respective partners; that they were somehow trying to convey to their loved ones how much they truly meant and what their life would be like if they were no longer around. They knew they were the lucky ones.

Week two still found Bella closed off from the world and we were all becoming concerned for her well being. I knew that the girls were watching out for her and trying their best to get her to open up to them but nothing seemed to be helping; Bella was completely bogged down in her grief.

"It takes every threat under the sun for me to even get her to get out of bed to have a shower," Alice lamented " And I know she isn't eating the food I prepare for her ,even though she very skillfully finds a way for it to disappear. She's losing weight at such a high speed that I am worried there will be nothing left of her."

The thought of Bella's perfection being marred by her grief made me want to punch a hole in the wall in utter helplessness and anger. There was absolutely nothing I could do. Somehow she needed to get herself better.

Rosalie spoke and reinforced the words of her sister. "I've suggested getting out of the apartment even for just a short time but she refuses. She needs some sun, some air. She needs to remember what it is like to live. We can't let her keep going this way."

"What if one of the boys tries to get through to her? You know, a change of scene so to speak. You girls have been with her all of the time. Maybe if she gets a different perspective….." Angela shrugged her shoulders as if she wasn't sure if her suggestion made any sense.

"Somehow I don't think I would be any help," I muttered softly and Rosalie inclined her head in sympathetic agreement.

"Sorry I can't help either," Emmett murmured with regret. "I can't imagine Bella wants to be reminded, right now, that I was in the accident with Peter and that whilst he is dead I survived. It seems kind of harsh to be rubbing that in her face."

Rosalie quickly put her hand out to take Emmett's hand. "Bella would never think like that Emmett. She always asks how you are going. In fact she asks about all of you," She eyed us all pointedly. "She may be grieving but she has not forgotten her friends and she most definitely does not think ill about you. Emmett you have to believe me when I say that, yes, Bella is rightfully lost at this moment but when she comes out of this part she is going to need all of us and that includes you. Don't remove yourself from her because of some ill conceived idea that it should have been you that died in that car and not Peter," She forced his face towards her and leaned in so that anyone else at the table had to strain to hear her words. "Don't ever think like that. I can't even stand the thought."

Rosalie's hand crept up to the bald part of Emmett's head, that now sported a healing scar, and lightly grazed it with her fingertips. Emmett's eyes glazed over and he pulled her hand back down to his lips and kissed them in reassurance. He nodded slightly to let her know that he understood her concerns and would try harder to let go of his guilt. She thanked him with her eyes and turned back to our conversation.

"So, maybe Jasper?" Rosalie's question made Jasper startle slightly. He gazed at her unsurely. "You managed to get her to the funeral and she seemed to lean on you a lot that day. Maybe your connection as Peter's best friend will help her out of this hole she is in."

I felt sorry for Jasper as I watched the look of panic cross his face. Any other time I would have sprung to his defense and suggested another way of doing things but Rosalie was right; Bella had responded to Jasper and right now I would do anything to help that girl even if it meant forcing Jasper's hand. Luckily I didn't need to.

"Sure…..I guess. I am not sure what I can say or do to make her feel better but I am happy to try,"

Angela must have also felt sorry for him because she offered her assistance quickly. "Look, how about we give her until the end of the weekend. Most of us have to go back to work on Monday, right?"

Alice, Rosalie, Ben and Emmett showed their yeses with a quick nod to the head. Rosalie scowled at Emmett.

"What? I need to do something babe. I won't do any of the hard stuff, just the office, sitting behind my desk stuff. I promise. I am healing and working will help me do that quicker." Rosalie rolled her eyes at him and I wondered if there would be more discussions about this at a later point. I didn't envy Emmett with that battle.

I added my own nod to the general consensus and Alice looked at me in surprise. Obviously Jasper hadn't had time to relate my plans to Alice and probably not the others either. "How?" she questioned.

"My company has allowed me to do a kind of job exchange for the next month or so. I will be working in the New York offices and they have sent one of my colleagues over to Paris to do mine." I shrugged nonchalantly "What can I say? I have a little bit of clout with my company and they would prefer that I was working over here rather than taking an unlimited amount of time off so that I could stay with Jasper."

Alice's eyes widened and I could see the warmth of her gratitude shining within them before I looked back to Angela. I was more than a little embarrassed that she thought it was such a big deal that I would do anything for my brother. He meant the world to me.

"So as I was saying…..you guys will all be at work so it won't seem so strange to Bella if Jasper and I turn up on Monday to keep her company. We can try to get her out… or talking …or something."

"Seems like a good plan to me," Emmett agreed and we all hoped it was one that would work.

That had been over a week ago and we were now up to three weeks after the accident. Jasper and Angela had managed to get Bella to go on small sojourns out of the apartment but she still remained aloof and seeked solace whenever she could get it. I had not seen her since the funeral and had to rely on the reports of everyone else to know if she was alright or not. She was surviving but everyone was still worried about her. Tonight we were all hoping for a big break through with her and we were relying on Angela's previously postponed photo exhibition to be the thing to do it. Alice and Rosalie had convinced Bella that she should be there for Angela's big moment, knowing that Bella would not want to let her good friend down no matter how she was feeling herself.

My anxiety grew the closer it got to the time of the exhibition. I wasn't sure that it was a good idea for me to be there as well but Rosalie had scoffed at my idea of not attending and told me that we had to show a united front in order for Bella to get over this hump. According to Rose, Bella needed all of us and that included me. It was in direct opposition to the warning she had given to me weeks ago about staying away from her sister but I guess things had changed and with it, even Rosalie's belief that I would do more damage than good.

When Bella finally arrived, flanked by Alice and Rose, my eyes hungrily ran over her frame, trying to ascertain what kind of condition she was in. From my spot across the room I could see that she had indeed lost weight and that her face was a little too gaunt but she was still the women I was ridiculously attracted to and I accepted that knowledge with reluctance. I was going to hell for my involuntary reaction to her.

Emmett was the first of her friends to approach and take her into a bone crunching hug. Without pause she hugged him back fervently and they held each other for a couple of minutes. That embrace had to be healing for both of them surely? Emmett let her go and Jasper leant in to give her a quick peck on the cheek. I moved slowly towards them all as Angela thanked Bella for coming and I listened as Bella told Angela that she would never miss out on such an important moment in her career. The smile she gave Angela was sincere, even through the sadness.

I stood waiting for them to finish their conversation and soon Bella was looking straight at me.

"Hi Bella," I forced myself to smile at her.

"Hi Edward. It's good to see that you're getting better," She glanced down at my hands and I automatically placed them behind my back, not because I was embarrassed by their redness from the burns but because I suddenly had the urge to reach out and pull her to myself in a hug like everyone else was able to so casually do.

Angela interrupted our interaction by guiding Bella towards a waitress to grab a drink and then ushering her around the room to take a look at the photos on display. I discretely watched her as she showed genuine interest in what Angela had achieved. Jasper was with me and I distractedly answered his questions about what I could see in each of the photos Angela had taken.

The night continued with someone always hovering around Bella and it made me happy to see small flashes of happiness peeking out from the sadness of her face. Maybe tonight would be a turning point for her. My hopes were later dashed when I noticed her standing alone away from the happy group who were all congratulating Angela and laughing about some of the times Angela had taken particular photos. She was staring at one photo as if she was looking right through it and I couldn't help but approach her.

"Angela has an amazing ability to capture the emotions in her photos, doesn't she?" Maybe if I distracted her that sad expression would leave and she could pretend she was feeling better again.

Bella turned her head and looked up at me through those dark eyelashes and nodded mutely. A few seconds followed of absolute silence as we stood there side by side looking at a picture that no longer held our attention. I had no idea what to say to her. Everything seemed either invasive or insincere. I lifted my glass up to my lips and my elbow accidently grazed Bella's arm which resulted in her gasping lowly. Before I could ask her if she was okay she was muttering.

"I can't do this. I have to get out of here. This is so wrong." She was about to flee from my side with horror stricken eyes and I quickly grabbed onto her arm so she couldn't escape.

"Bella," I pleaded for some kind of understanding of what I had done to undo all the hard work of tonight.

"Don't….don't touch me," The look of accusation in her eyes made me flinch and I immediately dropped my hand away from her arm.

"I'm sorry Bella." My contrition caused her to freeze and she groaned softly.

"No Edward. I should be saying sorry. This….." she waved her hand around "is way too hard. He should have been here too. It's too soon to be standing around laughing and making small chat with my friends. He's not here…..and…well…you are. And I just need to get out of here." She whispered the last words and it hit me like a ton of bricks that I was her problem. I should have trusted my instincts when I thought I shouldn't have come.

"Am I making you uncomfortable?" My mouth was dry so the question came out gratingly. Her imploring eyes showed conflict and no words came out to deny what my question was asking. "Look Bella. I can leave. You need this. You need to be with your friends and try and move on with your life. This is your step….not mine. Please stay."

Without waiting for her response I left and quickly stalked out into the night air and as far away as Bella Swan as I could. The knowledge that I was causing her further turmoil made me feel sick to my stomach. It seemed that Rosalie's initial advice to stay away from Bella was going to have to be followed after all.

The following week dragged on slowly. I worked. I worried. I went to some counseling sessions with Jasper and then worried some more. Bella was never too far from my thoughts but I kept my promise to leave her alone. I didn't want to be the cause of her being uncomfortable. She needed her friends around her and if I was there she might feel the need to stay away. That wasn't going to happen because of me. No way.

Thursday night broke the monotony of my days by providing a friendly dinner and drinks with Jane at the Trinity. She was good company because she expected nothing from me. There was no expectation to flirt; there was no need to reveal parts of me I didn't want to. Jane was everything I needed tonight to help me alleviate the depression I could feel on the edges of my subconscious. I was not going to allow it to break through. I was here to help Jasper, not fall into my own form of self torture.

As the night progressed, Jane's brother Alec joined us and we continued our friendly banter and discussions about work. I excused myself to head to the bathroom but as I passed the bar I saw a sight that made me want to lash out at anything or anyone around me. Bella sat slumped on a stool, looking like she would fall off at any moment, and next to her James sat grinning as if he had just won the lotto. Whatever would possess her to be in the same company as that scumbag? She didn't want to be around me but when it came to the man who had so blatantly made it clear that he would take advantage of her any time they were together… well that was alright? I was seething as I made my way over to listen to their conversation.

"Bella. I think you have had enough to drink now. How about I take you home?" James suggested a slight sneer to his voice.

_Over my dead body._

"Don't be a prude Mr .. whatever your name is…. I haven't had nearly enough yet." Bella looked at her glass cross eyed and took a great big swill of her drink. She shifted slightly on the stool and her body leant into James accidently. He reached up to put her back into her place.

_No friggen way. Get your hands off her._

"Look you're obviously wanting to forget about things and I am more than willing to help you do that sweet cakes but here isn't actually the best place to do that." James ran his arm up Bella's arm in a sickening display of seduction. "I can help you forget."

_I was literally going to rip his arms out of their sockets and shove them up his….._

"You can make me forget? Can you make me feel as well, cause that's what I really need." Bella's words slurred together but James and myself both understood what she was asking. Damn this could not be happening.

"Of course. I can make you feel anything you want baby."

Her response of okay only just registered in my mind as I went up behind Bella and stared down at the leech James. He had overstepped the mark when he chose to try and have his way with a drunk girl who was still grieving for her fiancé. No way was I putting up with that crap.

"What do you think you're doing?" I snarled at James who had the audacity to smirk at me over Bella's shoulder.

"Looking after our Bella here. Seems she needed a little company. Nothing for you to be concerned about."

Bella leant her head back and squinted up at me so that I was upside down to her gaze. Her eyes narrowed until she shook her head at me and then returned her attention to James who was smiling even wider now.

_Did he not understand that I was about to fucking kill him?_

"Just ignore him. He's always in my….he's always in my head." She took another swig of her drink and then closed her eyes tightly as she tapped her head in agitation. "Nothing gets rid of him…..even though he shouldn't be there." I moved away from her back and stood beside the two of them so that I could see what she was doing. I was confused. She opened her eyes and grinned at James. "Do you ever see things that aren't really there?" Bella had gripped James shoulder to steady herself as she leant in and whispered conspiratorially to him.

"I can't say I ever have Bella." He answered clearly amused by her ravings. I, however, was not and I was even more put out by the fact that she was allowing herself to be that close to someone I knew she abhorred.

"It's annoying," She giggled and then frowned at James. "Except how are you seeing my hallucination Mr….Mr. what's your name again?"

I'd had enough. "His name is James, Bella and he can see me because I am not a hallucination. It's Edward. I'm here." James chuckled at the look of surprise on Bella's face and I shoved him backwards so that he was no longer touching her. "What kind of sick person are you James. She is so drunk she isn't even aware that it's you she is talking to."

Bella pitched forwards and I grabbed her around the waist to stop her from falling completely off the seat. She took a deep breath and then relaxed into the crook of my arm so that her face was buried into my chest. How much had she had to drink? She was way beyond drunk.

"She seemed happy enough to be with me before you turned up," He was taunting me, thinking that we were being watched closely by the bartender now and that I wouldn't want to make a scene. He was wrong about that though. I would make a scene if I needed to do so in order to keep Bella safe from his sleazy advances. If he didn't back off right now I was going to pummel him like I had never done to anyone before. Bella chose that moment to lift her head and sigh. It reverberated against my neck, making me aware that I couldn't let her go without risking her completely collapsing. Smashing James into smithereens came second against the need to make sure Bella was okay. I tightened my hold on her and ignored my need to hurt James.

" I know who you are Edward." She rolled her eyes dramatically at me as she finally caught up on my previous words from five minutes ago. "Why is it that his face…" and she stopped for a moment to point at James' smug face "…is kind of blurry and non existent but your face…." Her fingers were now on my face clutching at my chin in a death grip so that her face was right in mine "…. your face is perfectly clear to me? Doesn't make any sense. It's all very, very wrong."

"Come on Bella. I'm going to take you home so that you can sleep this off," I spoke as gently as possible to her, even though I was extremely confused and angry inside. She tilted her head and searched my face as if she was uncertain of what I was saying.

"So it's alright for you to take her home but I am the big bad wolf for wanting to do the same thing for her," I chose to ignore James snide remark and asked the relieved bar tender for a glass of water and encouraged Bella to drink it. Only when she started to gulp the water down did I turn back to James.

"I have no intention of taking advantage of her state of mind and her drunkenness, James, unlike you."

"Sure, sure. You can't tell me that you wouldn't want her in that way. You've wanted her all along, even before Peter died. "

"Whatever. Don't put me in the same league as you James. I actually care what happens to Bella and right now the best thing for her is to get out of here, away from you."

"Yes and right into your bed hey Edward. We're not so different after all." James was a spiteful man who I wished I could bring down a notch or two but instead of showing him how much I disliked him I concentrated on pulling Bella up off the stool and allowed her to lean into my body heavily.

"Edward?" Bella spoke weakly.

"It's okay Bella. I've got you."

"I don't feel so good. I want to go home."

"No problem sweetheart. You will be fine I promise," I started walking towards the door but James reached up to stop me from moving. I snarled at him in exasperation, knowing he was going to take one last dig at me because he had missed out on what he had wanted all night.

"Is everything alright here," Alec and Jane had made their way over to me and Alec was asking the question.

"Fine but I need to get my friend here home and I can't deal with this slime ball in the way that I want."

Bella hiccupped slightly and faced Alec and Jane. "Who are you two….or three… or four? Gosh there are hundreds of you. Do I know you? You know life sucks, right? Because my fiancé's dead and that guy there is kind of sleazy and this guy here should not have any kind of impact but….hell, he does anyway and now I have to go home with him…..and that guy there seems to think that I am just going to…."

Jane's eyes flicked over Bella with sympathy. "You go and look after her Edward. Alec and I can entertain the slime ball."

My relief was palpable. There was now a clear path for us to get out of here. One last bit of advice had to be delivered.

"James I've told you this before but you didn't heed the warning. Stay away from Bella or else next time I will make sure my hands are free and I will make you regret not listening. Jane, be careful with this one; he isn't any kind of decent person."

I didn't wait for his answer and knew without a doubt that Alec was having a few words of his own to say to him. I knew that James would be sorted and I could concentrate entirely on the girl in my arms.

Bella fell asleep in the cab drive back to her apartment and I took the opportunity to study her. She was pale and the dark circles under her eyes told me that she hadn't been sleeping well. She whimpered softly in her sleep and I clutched her more tightly to reassure her that she wasn't alone. Even in her drunken, less than perfect state she was beautiful. I dipped my hand into the small bag she had slung across her shoulder and pulled out her keys, knowing she was in no condition to be doing it herself. The apartment was in complete darkness when I carried her through the door. Alice and Jasper had left earlier today for a long weekend in California so that Jasper could make some arrangements about his extended leave. Tomorrow he would be assessed by the military psychologist to determine where his future was heading. Bella had apparently used the opportunity of not having her sister at home to hit the bottle something fierce. I made straight for the kitchen to see if I could find something that would somewhat relieve the monster hangover she would no doubt have tomorrow when she woke up.

"You smell good," Bella sighed into my chest and I froze with her words.

"Um…. thanks," I gently placed her feet onto the ground but didn't relinquish my hold on her. I used one free hand to grab a glass and turned the tap on to fill it up. "Here, sit down for a moment."

She drunkenly sat down and put her head into the circle of her arms that were now lying on the table. I could hear her labored breathing as I fished around in her cupboards.

"Edward?"

"Hmmm."

"What's going on?" She sounded so groggy and uncertain.

"You were at the Trinity and had a bit too much to drink so I've brought you back home," I explained patiently.

"No. What's going on between us? You know, with all the sparkly crap and stuff, the whole tingly down to my toes whenever you are near garbage that only belongs in those unrealistic romance books that teenagers and hard done by wives read. The electricity…..the awareness? What is going on with that?"

_It's our body's way of saying that we're meant to be together?_

_Don't go there Edward. Too much. Too drunk. Too wrong._

"Um. I am not so sure…. well what I mean is….."

Bella lunged out of her seat and instantly tripped over her own feet so that I was forced to reach out and halt her fall. The sparkly crap she was talking about- definitely there.

"Why do I want to kiss you so badly?" Her whispered words, combined with the darkening of her eyes were nearly my undoing but then I remembered where we were and the condition she was in.

"Probably because you are drunk," I tried to ignore her hand that was now making its way to the back of my head as if she could tangle her fingers through my hair and pull me down to her level, but it just felt so incredibly good. "Bella, you need to stop because this isn't what you really want. It's the drink talking and the loneliness. I could be anyone and you would still be asking that question."

"Really because I kind of feel quite in control at the moment and I am pretty sure I know exactly who you are," Her lips were only centimeters away from mine and I could feel her breath mingling with my own. I was becoming desperate for a way to stop her from pressing those lips to mine because I had a lot of doubt in my own control if she got any closer to me.

_Must resist…not imagining those full lips against mine….not thinking about the taste of her…no not at all._

"Yeah well you weren't so in control half an hour ago when you were about to go home with James and do god knows what with the man you profess to hate." The words were harsh but they had the desired effect and Bella froze as if I had slapped her.

"W…what?"

"James. You know. Peter's scumbag cousin. You were this close to actually allowing all his dreams to come true and have his way with you. Sad thing is Bella that you didn't even realize who he was."

"No. No way. There is absolutely no way I would go anywhere with that piece of…." Bella suddenly clapped her hand over her mouth. "Oh god I think….. I think I am going to be sick."

Thinking quickly I grabbed her body and twisted it so that she was leaning over the kitchen sink. I held her hair back from her face as she let out a huge proportion of what she had been drinking tonight. I could hear her quiet sobs in between the heaving and I felt bad that I had been so brutal in relating to her what she had done. I rubbed her back to try and make up for my part in making her feel ill. Finally her heaves became small shudders and she seemed like she had purged all that she could. I passed her a towel to wipe her face with and when she turned to face me again she could hardly look at me.

"I can't….. I can't believe I let that pig of a man anywhere near me. God Peter would be so disappointed in me." Her whole stance was dejected and the protective part of me came out to offer her his assistance.

"Don't think about it. You're safe now and Peter would understand that you went a little overboard because you are missing him."

Bella rubbed her face and I suggested that her bed was probably the best place for her right now. She agreed sluggishly and I guided her to her room. Flicking the light on I led Bella over to her bed which she instantly fell on, taking me with her when she wouldn't let go of me. I scampered away from her as quickly as possible so that I didn't have to have another silent argument between my brain and my body about right and wrong. Bella looked at me through half closed eyes and sighed petulantly. I could tell that she was not going to move again so I set about taking off her shoes.

"I should be a married woman by now, you know."

The second shoe came off. "I know,"

"I wouldn't have been a good wife." Bella flung one arm across her eyes as if she was trying to block out the world.

"Of course you would have been."

She lifted her arm slightly and squinted up at me. "Nu uh. Peter deserved better than me. I am so not a good person."

I stared at her in mute denial of what she was saying. I watched as the rising and falling of her chest began to even out and I realized that I needed to speak before she fell entirely asleep.

"What do you mean you're not a good person?"

Silence followed my question and I thought she must have succumbed to sleep so I was surprised when she suddenly spoke again, even though her tone and inflection told me she was not really with it.

"Because he's dead…. And I loved him so much…but I had….have….. these thoughts and feelings that I shouldn't… and he knew…..and I can never make up for it now and….."

"Bella. I am pretty sure that what you're describing is normal for someone who has lost someone close to them. You can't beat yourself up about it."

"You don't understand," I literally had to put my ear right up to her mouth as she spoke because she had curled in on herself and her voice had become even more sluggish, if that was even possible. " He deserved better than the way I loved him….way, way better. I didn't love him the right way."

Silence, except for her breathing. Mine didn't count because I was holding my breath.

_She told James that I was always in her head._

_She told me that I was the one she could see clearly._

_She just whispered that she didn't love him the right way? _

_And shoot. What was that even supposed to mean?_

I wasn't sure what I was meant to do. I had already cleaned up the kitchen, and in particular had disinfected the sink. There was no way Bella was going to cope with doing that kind of thing in the morning and it at least gave me a small sense that I was helping her. I had thrown away an empty bottle of vodka that Bella must have consumed before she even left this evening. It was no wonder she was so unable to discern who she was with and what she was doing when I first encountered her in the bar. She had definitely been on a mission and thankfully it hadn't ended with her at James' place. She would never have forgiven herself for that one.

_And I would have had to make him pay….I so desperately wanted to make him pay._

Now I was standing at Bella's bedroom door wondering what my next move should be. I really couldn't leave her alone and it was pretty much too late to be ringing up Rosalie to come over and take care of her. Rosalie wouldn't care; I had already worked out that these sisters would do anything for one another but still it was….

"Edward?"

That one word was like a magnet for me to move straight to her side. Without thought I knelt down by the bed and reached for her hand.

"I'm here Bella. You're fine. Go back to sleep."

Her brown eyes widened as if she wasn't actually expecting me to be there. Her fingers tightened around mine. I wished I was in a position where I could smooth her hair back and whisper words of comfort whilst holding her but it wasn't something I could readily do, so I refrained.

"I'm sorry," She croaked and I wondered what exactly she was apologizing for. For being drunk? For throwing up? For letting James too close? For making me love her?

"Shush Bella. You will feel better in the morning. There's nothing to be sorry for." I stood up with the intention of giving her some privacy by moving into the lounge room but she clung to my hand with sudden determination.

"Don't leave me alone. Please Edward. I can't be alone. Stay."

And against my better judgment I did what she asked because really ….how could I do anything else?


	12. Chapter 12: Waking Up

Chapter 12

BPOV – Waking Up

Consciousness came slowly and with it acute pain like nothing I had ever experienced before. Prying my eyes open was difficult and even when I did finally achieve that particular goal the light invading my vision was like sharp pinpoints of agony. I quickly shut them again. The one small reassurance I had was that whilst opening my eyes I recognised where I was; in my own room not some strangers place or worse on the streets. How on earth had I managed to do this to myself? Where had normal, sensible Bella gone?

Sandpaper was a nice way to describe the dryness of my mouth and it was very difficult not to want to heave when it felt like a mouse had crawled into it and died there. If the intense throbbing inside my head was more manageable I might have been inclined to actually get up and do something about the taste inside my mouth but as it was there was just no way. I couldn't imagine moving ever again. The vortex of pain whirling inside my head was not going to allow it.

I was lying in a fetal position and I gingerly stretched out my legs as I tried to force coherent thoughts to form inside my numb mind. I desperately needed to remember what I had done last night; I needed to remember how I had got home and into my bed. As if to answer my silent thoughts a movement behind me made me freeze in horror. There was someone in the bed with me; someone who could be anybody; someone who had seen me at my worst and someone who definitely did not belong here. What kind of a person had I become?

Ever so slowly I made myself turn towards the mystery person, keeping my eyes closed the whole torturous time. I did not want the proof that I had made yet another bad mistake and allowed some stranger to share my bed. I couldn't help the groan that left my mouth. The pain was intensifying with the movement. Taking one last deep breath I grudgingly opened my eyes to face the truth of what I had done.

_Deep blue eyes._

_Blonde hair._

_An accusing stare._

_Mixed with sympathy._

"Good morning little sis. Big night huh?"

Rosalie sat fully clothed against the headboard of my bed, a book of some sort now lying haphazardly in her lap. The relief that coursed through me was very tangible and for a moment I felt completely light headed.

_Thank god._

_Thank god._

_Thank god._

"Expecting somebody else?" Rosalie questioned with no sign of humor. She was definitely annoyed with me and I couldn't say I blamed her. My mouth opened to respond but no sound came out so I merely shook my head. Rosalie grimaced in disgust. "You absolutely stink Bella. Close your mouth until you can get some toothpaste into it."

I was completely embarrassed but I didn't have the capacity to alleviate the problem right now so instead I croaked at her.

"What happened?"

"I was kind of hoping you would be able to tell me that." Rosalie stared at me intently and then continued. "What on earth possessed you to drink yourself into oblivion and risk yourself? Did you think that the people around you were not already hurting enough; that we needed another reason to be upset for you? If it hadn't been for Edward you could be in an entirely different place right now and it wouldn't have been a good one."

"Edward?"

"Yes Edward. You know? The guy who brought you home last night, safe and sound. The guy who looked after you and made sure you would have some chance of surviving this morning. The guy who no doubt witnessed you at your lowest, Bella Swan, and still managed to give you the respect you deserve. Yeah that guy."

"Oh no," I groaned as fragmented images invaded my head.

_Alice finally succumbing to my pleas to go with Jasper; to not put another thing off because she felt the need to be there for me every moment of every day._

_Relief at finally being alone and then the utter deterioration into loneliness._

_Drinking the half bottle of vodka found in the cupboard to try and chase away the thoughts of Peter and Edward; yes the both of them._

_Deciding that I had had enough of the apartment and heading for the bar._

_Drinking, numbness, approaching men who meant nothing to me because they weren't who I wanted; who I needed. Traitorous thoughts that needed to be over ridden so more drinks to achieve some sort of peace from them._

_Edward; hallucination that wasn't a hallucination. _

_Angry Edward. Gentle Edward. Confused Edward. Kissable Edward. Edward who was not my Peter._

_Home. Scent. Safety. Electricity. Questions. Need to kiss. James. Horror. Sick. Tenderness. Exhaustion. Wife. Peter. Sleep. Stay!_

_And behind every one of them was Edward….always Edward._

"I can't do this right now Rosalie," I pleaded.

"Bet you can't, but doesn't mean it's not going to happen sometime soon. You owe me an explanation. Drink this and then sleep some more. Now that I am sure that you're not going to need hospitalization for alcohol poisoning I will entertain myself in the lounge room. I can't stand the smell in here and I have some work to do since I've had to take the day off to look after your sorry ass."

Rosalie left and I buried myself deeper into my bed. My body and brain were telling me that I needed to let go again and relax, regardless of all the negative and confusing things going through my head. Everything hurt too much to concentrate fully on what I had done last night and how it had affected Edward and apparently Rosalie. Later there would be enough time for that but for now sleep was calling and I succumbed with a lot of uneasiness in my heart.

###################################################

It was five o'clock in the afternoon when I finally emerged from my room, freshly showered and feeling somewhat more human. Rosalie was sitting on our couch watching some comedy and chuckling at intervals. When she heard my quiet footsteps she quickly turned the TV off and patted the seat next to her. I reluctantly followed her silent instruction.

"Feel better?"

"I guess," I felt drained more than anything else but I wasn't about to complain to my sister when she had hung around the apartment all day to ensure I was okay. I had brought this onto myself and I was going to have to bear the consequences without whining.

"So….explain."

"What do you want me to tell you Rose? I stuffed up. I let my emotions get the better of me and I thought drinking might help some of it go away; at least for a while. My fiancé is dead, Rosalie. I think I am entitled to feel a little sorry for myself."

"Sure you are Bella but drinking to the point of not knowing what happened to you last night; that's serious consumption and you were very lucky that it didn't end up with you being hurt. Do you really think that Peter would want to know that you feel it necessary to harm yourself because he is gone?"

I was beginning to get annoyed. Sure I made a mistake but how could she possibly throw in my face how Peter would feel. "Yeah thanks for the guilt trip Rosalie. I know he would be disappointed and to tell you the truth I am disappointed in myself. I had no intention of going as far as I did. I just wanted to forget for a little while; that's all."

"Does it help to forget Peter?" Curiosity laced Rosalie's voice.

"What? Yes…..no…..who knows? I don't want to forget Peter; just the way I feel because I know he will never be around again. He was my best friend Rosalie. It hurts so much how intensely I miss him." I paused, wondering if I was willing to reveal more to her and then decided I should. Maybe it would help. "... but there was another reason for my stupidity last night Rosalie and I am ashamed to admit it to anyone."

"It's me Bella. You know you can share anything with me."

"I was trying to get Edward Cullen out of my head." There I said the words out loud and I hadn't been struck down by lightening, which let's face it was what I felt I deserved. Rosalie's face contorted into a ball of sympathy.

"Oh. That bad huh?" She was trying to keep her tone calm so as to not spook me. I appreciated it; I was already feeling bad enough about this as it was.

I nodded emphatically. "My thoughts are constantly torn between Peter and Edward. What kind of person does that make me Rosalie? My fiancé has been gone for a month and I am already thinking about another man. Actually make that I was thinking about another man before my fiancé was even gone and I haven't been able to stop despite the fact that Peter died. I have betrayed Peter in every possible way and I am not even grieving him properly. I hate myself right now Rose and I guess that's what I was trying to forget…that I have turned into some kind of monster that I can't even face every day."

Rosalie pulled me into her arms and I rested my head onto her shoulder. How many times had we been in this exact position over the past month? Me, relying on my sister's hugs and words to pull me through the despair of losing Peter.

"I can imagine that it is a really difficult place to be Bella. I don't know what to say to you. Although I do know that you are not any kind of monster. You are a human who has just experienced a huge loss that no one should ever have to deal with. You don't love Peter any less because Edward is on your mind as a person who could possibly help you through the pain."

"You don't think so?" I was incredulous. "Well let me tell you something Rosalie. I love and miss Peter and I would give absolutely anything for him to be right here with us now, alive and smiling. I really would but…. I ache for Edward. I want him to hold me and tell me that everything is going to be okay. I am drawn to him in a way that I have never been drawn to anyone. I want to get to know every little thing there is to know about him but at the same time I never want to be that close to him. I want to respect what I had with Peter but my subconscious will not allow it. Edward is in my head and I so badly want him not to be. I want him gone. I want to give every little piece of myself to the memories of Peter and forget that Edward Cullen even exists. That's what I want but….but…it's impossible and I am a complete and utter failure."

My outburst was followed by silence. My chest was rising and falling quickly with the strength of my emotions and Rosalie was taking the time to contemplate my words. When Rosalie finally spoke it was with words that were of no help to me at all.

"I don't know what to say Bella. This is something you're going to have to sort through yourself. You can't keep beating yourself up about it though and you most certainly cannot go out and drink yourself silly because you're confused. You're not a failure; you never have been."

My silent but non committal agreement seemed to appease her and she stood up to head towards the kitchen, letting me know that she would make us something for dinner. She obviously recognised that we needed to lighten things up a bit. I followed her, not wanting to be alone with my thoughts, and the two of us began working together to produce a simple pasta dish. When we sat down to eat I knew that I had to face what had happened last night.

"So…..is um…..is Edward okay?" My stuttering words made Rosalie smile in amusement.

"Why wouldn't he be?" Rosalie asked with a slight inclination of her eyebrow.

"Well…..I don't remember much about last night but from what I do remember I might have kind of….said some things that could have made him uncomfortable." My embarrassment was very real. Edward had been nothing but nice to me and I had treated him badly during my alcohol infused state.

"Hmmm. Interesting. He rang me at 6am this morning. He did look kind of harassed when I got here and he couldn't get out of here fast enough, only giving me a quick rundown of what had happened and muttering something about girls who sleep talk are not good for people who are trying to do the right thing." I groaned at her admission. The poor guy had not only had to deal with my inappropriate advances and my plea to stay, he had to listen to god knew what that came out of my mouth while I was asleep. It couldn't get any worse.

Rosalie ignored my groan and continued. " I did ring him earlier this afternoon to let him know that you had recovered somewhat and he seemed….relieved. Other than that I couldn't tell you anything. What did you say to him?"

Reluctantly I related how I had thought Edward was a hallucination at first and then how I had asked him what the pull between us actually meant. I told her about me wanting to kiss him and his subsequent rejection. Once I explained that I vaguely recalled asking him to stay with me; not to leave me alone, Rosalie finally broke her silent listening.

"The guy is an absolute saint, Bella."

"I am beginning to realize that, Rose and I shudder to think what would have happened if he wasn't the one who brought me home. Something tells me that if it had have been James, there would have been no gentlemanly acts of kindness, no attempts to make me feel better, no ringing my sister at six o'clock in the morning to make sure I continued to be safe."

"Wait! What do you mean if it had have been James. Why would you even bring him up? What on earth did you do Bella," Rosalie's eyes had widened in horror as realization hit and it told me that Edward had not let her know how he had found me.

"Oh shit. Umm. Apparently…..that is….well Edward told me…that I had been with James at the bar and he kind of got me away from him….and I don't remember it at all…. and I know you want to kill me right now but….."

"Bella! You don't remember James, the sleazebag, hitting on you? Oh my god this is far worse than I imagined. Edward told me that he found you in the Trinity and that you had drunk way too much. He never mentioned James or saving you from his clutches. I can just imagine that ….that…snake trying to take advantage. I am going to have to go and kill him now. You know that don't you? ….. and once Emmett finds out there will be all hell let loose. I can't believe you were so close to that scumbag. Did Edward get a hit in because that might make me feel a little less…"

"I don't remember." I interrupted her spiel before it could get her any more enraged. "One moment I was in the bar trying to work out if Edward was in my head or not and the next I was at home safely. We spoke, I puked, he put me to bed and I asked him to stay. Last thing I remember before finding you in my bed this morning and I have to admit I am not entirely sure that I have this right – it is very blurry….was waking up in the middle of the night to see Edward sitting on the floor beside my bed leaning up against the wall sleeping. He was holding my hand, Rose as if he was letting me know that he was still there. He would have been so uncomfortable; all because of me." Regret ran through my body; Edward had saved me from myself last night and I had repaid his kindness by forcing him to sleep on my floor like some kind of pet. It would be a miracle if the guy ever talked to me again.

"I do believe we owe Edward for a huge number of things sis. The question is how are we going to do that?"

"I have no idea Rosalie. I truly have no idea."

#######################################################

I knew this day would come and it might have even contributed to my descent into self pity that led to my night of drinking two nights previously. No one knew of my intentions because I felt this was something I needed to do for myself, by myself. I felt it even more strongly now after my discussions with Rosalie last night. I had to deal with Peter's death and the way I was feeling about it all and I somehow had to make it up to Edward for putting him into such an uncomfortable situation. I couldn't do one without attempting the other so today was the day.

I pulled up outside the beautiful house that should have been our home. Peter had been working very hard in the lead up to the wedding to have everything perfect for the moment we would move in as husband and wife. He had been coming and going, adding things as he thought of them, painting rooms the colours we had agreed on and basically making the house into a comfortable place for us to live. I trembled a little as I put the key into the lock and turned it hesitantly. I had not been here since Peter had passed and I knew that this was going to be difficult. I could already feel the tears teasing my eyes as I entered.

The eerie silence was nearly my undoing and I almost turned right back around and left. There should have been laughter, banter, arguments and eventually the sounds of kids echoing off these walls, not the overloud noise of my shoes scraping the floorboards and nothing else. I inhaled deeply and forced myself to scan the lounge area. Some of the furniture was already in its place but the rest had not arrived. Emmett and Rick had offered to move the pieces that were still in our individual apartments into the house whilst we were on our honeymoon. That was never going to happen now and with a great deal of control I stopped the rising sob from making its way out of my mouth. I quickly walked past the area where Peter had proposed to me and made my way up the stairway leading to our bedroom. It was here that I wanted to find some kind of closure; in the place that we would have come together and combined our two lives together as one. The intimacy of having our most precious and private things finally have a place in one room had been exciting for us both. We had put so much effort into making this room ours and already many of our things had found their home inside cupboards and drawers or on our bookcase.

I sat heavily on the bed and looked around to find anything that might give me any indication that he had been here before his accident. I wanted to see the evidence of his presence so desperately but everything was exactly where it should be. Peter was ridiculously tidy and he had ensured that the room was neat and everything was in its place before he left the house each time he visited. There was not one book out of place, not one piece of clothing hanging out of an opened drawer, not one knick knack accidently moved from the place we had decided it should go. I sighed as I surveyed the room. How was I going to get closure when it appeared that he had never really been here?

Standing up I made my way over to the drawers and opened his side so that I could get a glimpse of his clothing. His scent was a distant memory as I gently touched the few bits of clothing he had already moved from his apartment. A dull ache of longing coursed through me. He would never get to wear these again. No longer would I hear him complain about having to wear ties to work and in his words look like an uptight old geezer. I would never get the opportunity to accidently shrink his singlets in the wash or be able to lie in bed and watch him whilst he rushed to get ready for a day at the office. The unfairness of it all hit me hard. Peter deserved better than this; he deserved to have lived a long and happy life.

I was about to close the drawer when I noticed the corner of fancy paper peeking up at me. I reached out for it with shaking fingers, something telling me that this was important. That somehow I was going to get the piece of Peter I needed to help me move on with my life.

_Dear Bella,_

_I have the overwhelming need to talk to you and you're not here. Hopefully you are enjoying your afternoon and night out with the girls and the worries of the past few days have been pushed to the back of your mind. That's my intention tonight too but right now….I need to let you know how much you mean to me and how much I don't blame you for what has happened. Again I am not sure why this seems so pressing but I am going to go with it and let you know anyway._

_I came here today because I wanted to be reminded of every little plan we've made together. I wanted to remember the way you looked when I asked you to marry me in this place that will soon be our home. I wanted to see the future I know we will have because we love one another and that is all that matters. We've experienced our first real hurdle in this life we've chosen to have together and boy was it a big one but you know what Bella? It made me realize how much I've taken our relationship for granted all these years. Maybe our love has been too easy? We fell into it without any real thought but I can't bring myself to regret that fact. You've always been there as my support, as my friend and as the person who is most likely to make me smile. I've never considered that there might be something out there better for you; not until now and that scares me silly._

_As imperfect as this is, I want you to know how I feel about what has happened._

_I love you so much and I am forever grateful that you've chosen me. I don't want you to ever doubt that._

_Thank you for being the best part of my life. I sometimes wonder how I got so lucky to have you in it and I wouldn't change a moment of our time together, good or bad. A love borne from friendship has to be something special and meaningful. I sincerely believe that._

_Know that all I want to do is make you happy. All I want is for your life to be everything it can be. I will do everything in my power to make sure that you get what you deserve….._

…_..and if that means that at some point there is a reason why we can't be together anymore I want you to know that I love you enough to let you go because you would do the same for me. It's important to me to see you content and blessed with love and if that is not with me…well…. I hope it never comes to it but I would deal with it in the best way possible._

_No matter what, no matter where I am, near or far I will be loving you as my best friend and as the woman I chose to spend my life with. Nothing will change that…..ever._

_We'll be married in a week's time and this letter will seem like a useless exercise but for some reason I feel better putting onto paper my thoughts and feelings. Who knows if I will ever have the guts to actually show it to you? _

_Be happy my Bella. Be everything you can be and thank you for letting me be there to share it all with you. I am going to be the best husband I can possibly be and I will never take what we have together for granted again._

_I love you!_

_Your future husband who adores you_

_Peter_

_xoxo_

Unadulterated grief hit me and I was unable to stop the tears from making their way down my face and onto the paper that I was holding. My vision was blurry as I read the letter over and over again. This was Peter's last message to me and it almost sounded like he somehow knew that our time together would be limited. He was telling me that my happiness was of utmost importance to him and yet here I was writing myself off in bars and putting myself into situations that he would never agree with. I curled up into a ball on our bed and wept uncontrollably for the longest time. I cried for our time together that was cut way too short; I cried for the argument we had about James and the discussions we had to have about my attraction to Edward. I cried for the things we would never get to do together again and I cried because I just wanted him to know that everything he said in that letter; they were things I would say back to him if he was here beside me as he should be.

He wasn't and that would always be the case.

When I was finally all cried out I lay there quietly, taking in my surroundings and realizing that I had been exceptionally lucky. I had been loved by the most amazing man and he had been willing to look after me and make me happy. I had spent many years with him as my friend and then as my lover. He was willing to open up to me, he was able to forgive me when I failed and above all else he was a man who would always hold a special place in my heart. I sat up suddenly and straightened my back in determination. I couldn't bring him back but I could make sure that I gave him what he had always wanted; my happiness. There would be no more dwelling in my own unhappiness; there would be no more attempts to annihilate myself in some sort of sick attempt at purging myself of my guilt. I was going to make him proud by living the life he would have wanted and I was going to begin right now.

I left the house with a new sense of direction. I was still hurting….yes but now I had an aim and I felt lighter than I had for ages. As the door clicked behind me I felt like Peter was with me as I said goodbye to our house and mourned that it would never be used in the manner we had hoped. I was taking Peter with me though and that was more than alright. As long as I made choices that ultimately led me to having a fulfilling life I would be giving him the respect I was so worried I had taken from him. I wasn't sure how I was going to do it but I now knew I was strong enough. I was going to make Peter proud one way or another.

Even though I made this decision and wanted to follow through on it as soon as possible it still surprised me when I unconsciously made my way to Rosalie's place. Knocking on the door brought about a new round of insecurities and questions about what I was doing. When the door opened and I was face to face with Edward I faltered slightly before bracing myself for yet another conversation that needed to be had. His face reflected his shock at finding me at the door and he seemed momentarily at a loss for words. He gathered himself though and smiled at me uncertainly.

"Um hi Bella. I….ahh….Rosalie and Emmett aren't here I am afraid. I'm not sure when they're due back."

I couldn't help but respond to his smile and gave him my own sheepish one back. "That's fine Edward. I was actually hoping that if you had a few minutes I might be able to talk to you?"

"Me?" He was definitely startled.

"Yes you. If you don't mind? I promise I will behave myself this time." Where had the confidence come from? I certainly wasn't feeling it inside.

He laughed gently to show his appreciation for my attempt at humor and opened the door wider so that I could move through into my sister's apartment and one step closer to putting my demons to rest.

I could do this.

I had to do this.

And not only for myself.


	13. Chapter 13 : Baby Steps

Chapter 13

EPOV – Baby Steps

Opening up the door to Bella Swan was….unexpected. Silly really, considering I was currently residing in her sister's apartment and she probably had more right to be here than me. It was just that I had thought she would continue to choose silence when it came to me and now here she was instead standing in front of me looking as appealing and beautiful as ever.

"Um hi Bella. I….ahh….Rosalie and Emmett aren't here I am afraid. I'm not sure when they're due back." I hoped that my smile did not appear as forced as it felt to me. Seeing Bella in the flesh, after the events of the night before last, was definitely causing some anxiety on my part. Would she resent the things I had done to make sure she was safe? Did she remember the harsh words I used to halt her invasion of my senses as she attempted to kiss me? Did she understand that I had stayed for as long as I could after her request for me to stay; that by running at the last moment I had made sure I didn't slip? Rosalie answering my call had been torture and relief all rolled into one. Torture because it meant I was no longer needed at Bella's side and it was hard to walk away from her. Relief because Bella's persistent sleep talking had made me aware that I was very much on her mind and it was getting more and more difficult to ignore that. All I had wanted to do was crawl into that bed with her and hold her to relieve the conflict that was warring inside her head. I hated that I was a part of that and that there was nothing I could do about it. I kept my vigil by the bed instead.

Bella's words, as she waited outside the door, indicated that it was me she wanted to see and that surprised me too but I still managed to get my body to perform and moved away from the door so that she could come in. I nervously ran my fingers through my hair as I watched her step gracefully past me with a timid smile. For a split second the scent of her overwhelmed me and I was powerless to follow her lead. When she paused and looked over her shoulder at me asking if I was coming, my body responded by starting to move again. I was beginning to realize that anything Bella requested of me she would get in an instant. Nervousness coiled in the pit of my stomach. What could she possibly have to say to me? Was I about to get my heart broken yet again by the person who wasn't even aware that she did it on a consistent basis?

"I'm sorry for disturbing your day Edward," Bella's soft voice brought me out of my concerned thoughts, making me all too aware of our surroundings and my lack of manners towards her.

"You're not disturbing me at all Bella. Can I get you anything? Maybe a drink or something?"

She answered by requesting a drink of water and I noticed that her voice had a shaky edge to it. So Bella was nervous about speaking to me too. My thoughts became an incoherent mess. I had a feeling that this discussion was not going to end well and knew that I more than deserved it. I escaped to the kitchen to try and get myself under control but Bella followed me and sat on a stool to watch as I poured her drink for her. There was nothing I could do but pretend that I was calm and collected, even though I was dreading the idea of having to let go of her completely when she told me that my attraction to her was causing grief and that I needed to stay away.

"It seems that you've had to take care of me a lot lately," Bella quipped as I handed her the glass. They weren't words I was expecting and I looked at her curiously before answering.

"I don't mind," That was the honest truth and I said it without thinking.

Bella sighed and placed her drink down on the counter. "I know Edward and I am really sorry for putting you in that position."

I went to argue with her; to tell her that there was no need for an apology but she chose that moment to shake her head and reach out to me to put her hand on my arm and all the words were lost in that one touch. She frowned slightly and drew her hand back, folding her arms into a protective stance across her chest.

"No please Edward. I need to say this to you. That girl you saw the other night, that's not me and I am beyond mortified that you saw me like that. I need to thank you for what you did to make sure I was safe. I need to let you know how much I appreciate that you stopped me from doing something that I would forever regret with James."

An image of James touching her sprang to mind and I almost growled aloud at the disgust that coursed through me. Emmett and I had discussed going over to see him and making sure that something like that never happened again but Rosalie had convinced us that, for the moment, doing that would only bring about more drama for Bella and she didn't need it. It was a hard pill to swallow considering I had not had the opportunity to break him the other night but as usual Bella's welfare came first and there was no reason for me to risk that.

Bella flinched slightly and I became conscious that although I hadn't growled aloud, my demeanor must have changed and my anger was coming through in a different way. I composed my face back into a less ferocious look and saw Bella visibly relax.

"I feel really ashamed," Bella could no longer look at me and I longed to lift her face up so that I could see her soulful eyes again. I couldn't do it so I spoke instead.

"You have absolutely nothing to be ashamed of Bella. You've been dealt a rough hand and you approached that in a way you normally wouldn't do; by drinking. We've all done that at some point. Going out to a bar and drinking your sorrows away is probably not the best but it's definitely not something for you to feel ashamed of. You didn't do anything wrong."

Bella's red rimmed eyes found mine and it hurt me to know that she had been crying before she got here and that now it looked like she could break into tears again.

_Please don't cry Bella. Please don't expect me to watch you do that and not hold you. Please don't think I can possibly keep any distance between us when I can see that you need me._

She answered my unvoiced ramblings by taking in a deep breath and exhaling softly. The tears stayed away.

"I'm ashamed of the way I have been treating you,"

_What? Where did that come from? What was she talking about?_

"I don't understand Bella. You haven't done anything to me at all."

"Edward, you've done nothing but be kind and respectful towards me. You've taken me out of harm's way, returned me to my home safely, looked after me while I was sick and then cleaned the mess away, listened to my ramblings and then spent the night on my floor because I asked you to not leave me." Bella's face was brightly flushed and I wanted to stop her embarrassment. She was on a roll now and was trying to get it all out so I let her be.

"I, in return, have made you uncomfortable by saying inappropriate things just because I am so entirely confused. I have tried pushing you away because you remind me of things that I would rather forget, then I've forced you to stay because I can't stand the thought of you not being around. I am seriously mucked up in the head Edward but that is not your fault and I want to apologize to you if I ever made you feel like it was. It's not your fault that Peter died and it's not your fault that I was attracted to you before that even happened. You can't help it if I have stupid thoughts about you even though I am grieving the loss of my fiancé and you certainly can't be held accountable for the sparks I feel whenever you're anywhere near me. I am so very, very sorry for everything I did and said the other night and even before then, Edward."

"Bella, you don't need to do this."

'I do need to do this." Her voice hardened with resolve and I watched fascinated as her face reflected all the pain and confusion and need that were currently driving her. "I am trying to be honest with you because I think you deserve it. I know it will probably make you think less of me, because let's face it what kind of girl even does this, but the fact remains that we can never be friends if I don't tell you the truth and …Edward I really want to be your friend. I want to get to know you beyond this undercurrent of tension that is always between us. I need time to grieve what I had with Peter but I found something today that made me realize that all he wanted for me was my happiness and I am going to make sure he gets to see it. That has to start by me telling you that I want us to be friends. I don't even really know you at all except that you are a good person who cares about those around you and that I have to admit I am drawn to you for some reason beyond my control. I am not even sure if you feel that same pull but the thing is ….I am not ready for what that could possibly entail. Friendship is all I have in me."

The tension between us was staggering. She had inadvertently stepped towards me as she pleaded her case and basically told me that she felt something for me but couldn't face what that meant. Nothing about this conversation had gone the way I had envisioned but I did feel the stirring of hope as I listened to her impassioned words and thanked whoever it was I needed to, to know that it wasn't a goodbye she was preparing for but rather a kind of truce.

"I promise there will not be a repeat of the other night Edward. I don't want to be a burden. I just want to know if you are willing to be my friend?"

_Friendship would never be enough._ My mind balked at the idea.

_It was better than not having her in your life at all. _The voice of reason answered back.

_Was I strong enough to not act on my impulses if she would be so readily accessible? _Self doubt gripped me.

_I would do anything for her…anything._ The answer was clear.

"I've regarded you as friend from the moment I met you Bella. Nothing that happened the other night has changed that."

Bella let out her breath with a loud whoosh and then seemed to comprehend how close she was now standing to me. She stepped back a little and gave me an embarrassed, little smile that did crazy things to my heart. "Thank you Edward. I'm not sure I deserve it but thanks for agreeing."

Her words brought about a shot of annoyance that I couldn't let go without some kind of retort.

"I agree on the condition that you stop putting yourself down. You deserve a lot Bella. You mean a lot to the people around you because you are you and you have been amazingly strong throughout this whole ordeal. I don't believe I would have handled this with the strength and conviction you have managed so no more apologies. I don't want or need them."

Another surge of color reddened her cheeks at my words but she simply smiled at me and nodded.

"On that note I think I will leave you to whatever you were doing before I disturbed you on this lovely Saturday afternoon. We agree to no longer feel the need to evade one another? We're going to try and be friends. That's right isn't it?"

"Yep agreed," My hands clenched at my sides in an attempt to ensure they didn't ruin what had just been decided by reaching out for her and touching. This whole thing was definitely going to be a test of my self control. "But Bella, you didn't disturb me and if you would like you're more than welcome to stay longer. I'm not doing anything in particular."

Bella placed her glass in the sink and turned to face me again. "Thanks for the offer Edward but if you don't mind I will take a rain check on that. Today has kind of been a really emotionally draining day for me and I think I would like to just go home and regroup. I hope you understand."

She smiled when I answered that it wasn't a problem and to look after herself when she got home. Admittedly I felt bad that I had been part of her emotional day but when I looked at her closely I noticed that she seemed tired but somewhat brighter in her face. Whatever she had done today had helped her and I was grateful for that and hoped it would continue.

I followed her through the hallway to the door and as she opened it I felt inclined to add one more thing. I hoped it didn't cause her to rethink what we had agreed to but she had been honest with me so now it was my turn.

"And Bella….just so you know, I do feel it too….I feel the pull and the tug and the electricity. You're not alone in that."

Her eyes widened and sadness washed over her face before being replaced with determination.

"Some people wait their whole life for that, don't they?" Bella's whispered words and intent stare caused a tightness in my chest and I could barely force out an answer.

"Probably."

"I'm sorry for ruining that for you Edward."

"You haven't ruined anything Bella. It will work itself out in the end."

"Do you wish it didn't happen?"

_I felt guilt for it happening with someone else's girl._

_I felt resentment at the bad timing._

_But I could never wish that it never happened because it was those moments when I felt most alive._

I shook my head and watched her take her lower lip in between her teeth as she waited for my answer.

"Only when it hurts you, Bella."

The intensity of her gaze never wavered as she looked me straight in the eye and said the last words before she would walk out the door.

"I'm working on it not hurting, Edward. I promise I am at least doing that."

#####################################################

The following weeks showed a marked improvement in Bella's approach to life. She no longer hid in the security of her own apartment and she interacted with her friends and family on a daily basis, trying extremely hard to let go of her grief and move on with her life. Everyone commented on the change with relief; they felt they were getting their old Bella back even though there were instances of sadness that claimed her at different periods.

I, on the other hand, had never truly known the old Bella so I got to experience her in a completely different way. Sure the attraction was still completely present but I got to see the extra layers of the girl that made her who she was; the parts she had always closed off from me in order to counteract her guilt. Now we had become friends and it only served to make me aware that the feelings I had for her weren't some flash in the pan reaction. I got to see the warmth of her humor and her capacity to care about causes and the people around her. She shared with me the things she enjoyed doing and the things that annoyed her. I learnt to relish the moments when her face lit up with happiness or when she would get a scowl of disapproval if she felt someone was being wronged. She proved to be an amazing package of courage, strength, love, warmth and support….and I was most definitely in love with her. There was no way of stopping it.

Regardless I kept my end of the bargain and never did a single thing that would make her regret choosing the path of friendship with me. I knew she was nowhere near ready to deal with a man who adored her beyond mere platonic feelings so I pulled back from what would come to me so easily if things were different. She was concentrating on living a life that was totally different to what she had known before Peter died. There were moments though, when little cracks appeared in her armour and it was usually me she turned to without even realizing it. I saw the instances when she struggled with the need to be close to someone, to be held or even have that small touch but she would close the need off before it morphed into her physically reaching out for me. I didn't push even though I so desperately wanted to give her what she needed. I let her set the pace because she was the only one who would truly know when she was ready. I would wait for her forever if I had to.

So it was as my friend, and as a particularly giving sister for a younger brother who had pleaded for her to do this one thing for him, that found Bella in my family home celebrating Camille's seventeenth birthday. Seven of us had travelled out from New York to spend a week in Forks. Ben and Angela were the only ones who were not able to get time off work so Camille got her wish for all of us to be at her party, including Jake who she had formed a close friendship with. Charlie and Renee had only agreed that Jake could travel across the country without them if all three of his sister's were there to keep an eye on him. Rosalie and Alice had already been intending on coming because of Jasper and Emmett but Bella had declined on the basis that she was trying to find a job. I had my suspicions that Charlie and Renee manipulated the situation so that Bella had to leave town for a short while in the hopes that it would help her continue her recovery but I was happy that there had been a reason for her to come at all so I never brought it up.

"So did everyone survive the party last night," I questioned as I took my place at the breakfast table and saw the varying degrees of consciousness everyone seemed to be in.

"Aha, although I don't quite remember having any kind of party like that when I was seventeen," Emmett countered and smiled at Camille who looked like she was glowing with all the attention.

"I'm pretty sure that the seventeen year olds didn't quite party in the same way you did Emmett," Rosalie rolled her eyes at her boyfriend and he appeared slightly abashed at the suggestion in her voice.

"Well I had a great time," Camille stated with conviction. "Thanks so much for coming everyone. It wouldn't have been the same without you all here and I certainly got brownie points for having the wicked older brothers and their friends willing to entertain a bunch of school kids. Everyone is going to think I am so cool now."

"Or desperate for friends," Jasper teased, as he maneuvered himself out of reach of her slap to his arm.

"Whatever, old man." Camille laughed and then gave her attention to Jacob. "So, are you happy enough if we meet some of my friends in Port Angeles for lunch today? I know it is not New York but I am sure we can find something fun to do there."

Jacob looked at Bella for confirmation as she was the only one who wasn't busily placing food into her mouth. When she nodded he grinned at her widely and both Camille and Jacob leapt up, in a hurry to get out of the house. I didn't take my eyes of Bella however and it was apparent that she wasn't at her best this morning. It had nothing to do with drinking too much though because she had been conscious of not allowing alcohol to overwhelm her again. Her tired eyes and dark shadows under them had me worried. I wondered if anyone else noticed them.

Emmett was rubbing his hands together in pretend glee. "So what have we got planned for this week since I'm actually off work for something other than illness and I can get out and enjoy myself."

A discussion was being held around all the things that Forks or its surroundings could offer us. Bella remained quiet and didn't really include herself in any sort of interaction. Alarm bells were going off in my head and I was trying to figure out what was wrong when Alice addressed me and I was torn back to the discussion.

"So it must be almost time for you to head back to Paris, Edward. How much longer do we get to keep you?"

Bella's stunned eyes darted towards me and I was surprised to see something akin to fear there. She looked down at her plate and tensed. I saw from the corner of my eye, as I addressed Alice, that Bella was clutching at the sides of her chair. I couldn't help myself and I allowed my hand to reach down and linked her pinky with my own. It was only a small touch but I hoped it conveyed my support with whatever was worrying her. She didn't withdraw but I did feel her relax slightly so that her hands were not clutching so tightly to the chair. I kept my hand there, feeling the gamut of emotions that came about the knowledge that she was allowing me to touch her at all.

"Actually I got a phone call last night from my boss and she has allowed me to extend my time here for a while longer. The woman who took on my role in Paris is enjoying the experience and is happy to continue with it up until our next campaign if I so choose. Seems you're stuck with me for a while more."

Everyone murmured their approval but it was only Bella's reaction that I was fully engaged with. She seemed to slump forward a little and then squeezed my finger with hers before letting it go. She gave me a sad smile and then excused herself from the table. I had no idea what any of that meant and although I wanted to follow her and find out if she was alright, I chose to give her the space she obviously needed this morning.

Eventually I couldn't help it anymore and I had to find her to ensure she wasn't upset by something I had done or said. Maybe she didn't want me to stay around any longer than necessary. I hadn't thought of that when I had requested more time in New York. All I could think about was my inability to leave right now; in fact I was beginning to worry that I would never be able to leave her at all and that was probably not a luxury that I could have. I finished helping my mother with the dishes and then went in search of Bella and some answers.

I found her curled up in a seat in the music room. At first she appeared to be asleep but when I stepped in her eyes instantly came open and she gave me a half hearted smile. I wasn't sure what to do so I sat down at the piano and ran my fingers across the wood that covered the keys under it. Without too much thought I lifted it up and began to quietly tinker with the sounds that the keys made.

'I didn't know that you played." Bella spoke and the sound was melodious. It made me change direction with the way I was working with the piano.

'I guess we're still learning about one another," I answered quietly.

"Hmmmm. Whatever you are playing now ….that is beautiful…..exquisite." Bella closed her eyes and let the notes roll over her. This wasn't a song I had ever played before but my hands crossed the keys with a familiarity that made me think I had always had the melody at my fingertips but didn't know how to access it. When it finally came to its conclusion I was pleased with the outcome. It had been a long time since I had composed a song of any worth and this was the first time ever with so little thought and effort put into it. Bella must be particularly inspiring.

When I looked over at her she had a look of sadness and confusion on her face. I stood up and went to sit by her side.

'What's wrong Bella? Has something happened to upset you?"

"No. Not really. I am just feeling a little melancholy. This house has so many memories for Peter; ones that I was never involved in but memories nonetheless. I see the photos of him everywhere and I see the close relationship he had with Jasper and your family and it makes me feel sad that he missed out on this celebration of Camille's and that I am still here enjoying it."

"That's understandable Bella."

Her sigh was one of acceptance. "I know but it is just hard you know. I can be feeling good about things, having a good time and then suddenly the sadness creeps up on me and I can't get rid of the negative thoughts. It scares me to consider how long that will happen for and then it scares me even more to think that I will get to a stage where I just don't care anymore."

"You'll always care Bella. He was an important part of your life. But I guess the sadness will be replaced eventually by thinking about only the good memories you have of him. I have no idea really how long before that will happen though." I wished I had something more promising to tell her but grief was a complex thing and I was no specialist in that field. I needed to do something for her in the here and now.

She was nodding seriously at my words when I grabbed her hand and pulled her up. She was disconcerted by my sudden action because we had been so careful not to allow any kind of touch, before now, in the hope that we did not have to face that the current of longing was still very much there. I didn't relinquish my hold though as I pulled her towards the door. I didn't want to let go of the warmth of her; I was going to bask in it even if it only lasted a few minutes.

"What are you doing?" She gasped confused. She was looking at our clasped hands and I thought for a moment she was going to pull away from me to reestablish the never spoken no touching rule. My heart lifted a little when she left her hand enclosed within mine.

"Do you trust me Bella?"

"Completely," Another pump of adrenaline to my heart, knowing that she said it without any qualms at all.

"Good because I'm going to show you something special but it is a bit of a hike from here. I promise you though that it will be worth it."

We set off after letting Alice know that we would be away for a few hours. She gave us a thoughtful glance but kept quiet which I was glad for. I didn't want Bella spooked into not spending time with me alone.

Bella's innate clumsiness came to the fore as we hiked the reasonable distance to the place I wanted to show her. Not once did she complain but she often sent me questioning looks that I did not answer verbally. By the time we arrived at our destination we were both panting from the exertion of walking and keeping Bella upright rather than splayed on the forest floor.

Bella's reaction as we entered my special place was all that I could have hoped for. Her eyes darted from place to place as she took in the perfectly round meadow filled with wildflowers of every description. It was a bit late in the season for the flowers to be quite as bright as they were but I had always thought of this place as somewhat magical so I accepted it as a gift. The area was an intense green that leant a lush feeling to the one place in this world that I regarded wholly as mine. This was the place I used to come when I needed to think or vent or just feel better about the world I lived in. I was hoping it would have the same effect for Bella as it had always done for me. I brought her here for some peace.

"It's gorgeous Edward," Bella whispered in an awed voice. She stepped forward to find herself more completely inside the circle and cocked her ear as if listening to something that only she could hear. I knew it was the small stream that ran through the forest about 50 metres away but we couldn't see it from where we stood. It was just background noise really. "There's something perfect and pure about this place. I can feel it in my bones. It makes me want to rest and just pretend that this is all that exists; that there is no heartbreak or confusion to be dealt with, that I don't have to be anything or anyone I'm not."

Bella spread her arms out and lifted her head up to the sky to allow the slight breeze in the air to tickle her skin. She closed her eyes and took a deep breath. The smile that appeared on her face was entrancing and I couldn't look away. Her ivory skin looked so soft and her hair was gently moving with the assistance of the wind. Everything about Bella in that moment screamed out happiness and peace and it would be forever ingrained in my head as a snapshot of her beauty.

I lowered myself to the ground to watch with amusement as she began twirling and laughing with very little restraint. She smirked at me and then began to move from flower to flower as if she didn't want to miss anything. I waited patiently for her to take in what she needed from this place and when she finally collapsed next to me to lie down with a wide smile on her face I knew that I had made the right decision in bringing her here. I laid down beside her and even though we weren't touching in any way at all it was the closest I had ever felt to her. She turned her head so that we were looking straight into each other's eyes.

"There are some places that just make you see how lucky we are to be alive; that we get to experience them," Bella's voice was full of content and it made my day to know that she was no longer feeling the previous melancholy of the morning. "Thank you so much for sharing this with me Edward. I can't tell you how much better I feel. I can't even explain why but I just do. You are way too good to me"

I chuckled with good humor. "It was my pleasure Bella. This place has never let me down before and I thought you might get the same feelings from it that I do. I am glad that I was correct in that assumption."

We settled into the grass to enjoy the rare sunshine that had graced our usually wet town. The silence was completely comfortable and only the sounds of nature invaded our individual thoughts. When I looked across at Bella to find that she had fallen asleep I took the opportunity to study her from such a close proximity. I wanted to trail my fingers, ever so lightly, over the features that made up her face so that I could memorize each part for when she was no longer near me. I wanted to wrap her hair around my fingers and feel if it was just as silky and soft as it appeared in the sunlight. I wanted to whisper words of love and worship to her so that she understood how completely I was dedicated to her happiness and well being. Her slightly opened lips were begging for mine to caress them in a demonstration of my admiration. Clearly none of that was going to happen but for those few minutes of visualizing it I could almost imagine that it wasn't such an impossibility.

When Bella moaned softly I stopped my perusal and looked at the clouds above me instead. I didn't want her to wake up to find me staring at her and possibly seeing the desire that would no doubt be in my eyes. This trip had been too perfect to ruin with such fruitless actions. I didn't want her to be uncomfortable at all.

A soft touch to my elbow, accompanied by Bella's soft "Edward" brought my head back down to face her, a smile already prepared just for her.

"You've been a good friend. I can't thank you enough."

I smiled even more widely at her but then faltered slightly as the electricity followed her movement from my elbow across my skin until her hand reached mine and her pinky was intertwined with mine. I looked down at the place where we were joined in such an innocent way and then back up to her face to try and work out what she was doing; what she was trying to tell me.

"This morning Alice scared me. I hadn't thought about you having to go back to Paris," Bella paused as if weighing up whether she should continue what she was saying and I silently encouraged her. I needed to know how she was feeling. "I'm glad you can stay longer Edward. I'm really glad."

I wasn't sure how to respond to her words even though I was elated to hear them. To anyone else her admission might have seemed like such a small thing but I knew better; Bella was taking baby steps towards me and I needed to acknowledge how difficult that was for her. I flipped my hand over so that my palm was up and Bella naturally placed her smaller hand within mine without it appearing to distress her. The feeling was indescribable.

"So am I, Bella. So am I."

Nothing more was said but we didn't break the connection. We stayed that way for a short while longer; quiet, content and basking in the knowledge that whilst we were in this meadow the outside world couldn't touch us, we owed no one anything and we were purely ourselves. No guilt, no sadness and no pretense; just Bella and Edward, two people trying to do the best that they could.


	14. Chapter 14: Friendship?

**Thank you so much to anyone out there who is reading this story. I hope you enjoy some more of the Edward and Bella interactions **

**Huge thanks go to Emmauk26, Kaylie Kay and Twilight-Vamp-Sis who always take the time to leave me a review. It is really nice to know that you are still reading **

Chapter 14

BPOV – Friendship?

Friendship with Edward was easy.

And hard.

We spent time together as friends do. We went out within our group and enjoyed the company of everyone. When I decided that it was about time for me to start looking for a job seriously it was Edward who helped me with my resume and the one who encouraged me to go for any little position that could possibly get me my dream career. He was the perfect friend; attentive, helpful, considerate and way too aware of the line I had drawn between us, the one he never crossed. He gave me what I asked for and I couldn't fault him in anyway.

Except that the ache did not disappear; the awareness did not suddenly become less of a concern and it was getting harder to ignore that I was feeling way more for him than I had ever imagined possible. It had become very apparent that in becoming his friend I had opened myself up to a more intimate knowledge of him and there was not a single thing that I did not like about him. If there was such a thing as a perfect man, he was it and any woman would be lucky to have him. I wished I could relax enough with him to demonstrate how much I cared.

But I couldn't.

It wasn't until I got to Forks to celebrate his sister's birthday and have a week long break in his family home that I allowed myself to consider the ramifications of our friendship. I struggled with the visual reminders of Peter in the house along with the very real presence of Edward. The two always seemed to be in bitter conflict in my head and sometimes it was hard to keep up the improvements that I had made over the course of the previous few weeks. There was no pressure from Edward of course; he kept up his role as friend but it didn't escape my attention that there were times, like at his sisters party where other women's advances made me seeth or question myself, that I reacted to him in ways that were more than just as a good friend.

I never let him see how he affected me.

Not until Alice's flippant reminder that his time was limited with us and that eventually he would have to return to Paris. The thought of him leaving left me feeling empty. I couldn't help but react to that, although I was hoping it would be unseen by the others. Edward's small touch under the table told me that he at least had recognised my discomfit.

_Why didn't that surprise me?_

And then there had been the meadow; one of the most beautiful places I had ever experienced and the one place where I completely let my guard down with Edward. Had he known that would happen? He had taken me there in response to my own melancholy and our subsequent discussion about how I was coping with Peter's memories. He did not push; just gave me the opportunity to enjoy an environment that was not only beautiful but one that held no memories, good or bad, for me. It was here that I was finally able to admit to myself, and then aloud to him, that I was glad he was staying; that he wouldn't be leaving to head back to Paris any time soon.

Reaching out to him had been easy for the duration of the time we stayed in that magical place.

Not so easy when we returned to the reality of his home and our friends.

The meadow had been two days ago and there had been no repeat of that comfortable time between us. We interacted as usual with our friends and family and I continued to learn about the man who was sending my senses reeling but beyond that, we were what we always were….friends.

Tonight we were going out as a group to a night club in Port Angeles. Edward, Alice, Jasper and Emmett left in the late afternoon because of a friend that they wanted to catch up with and one that Jasper was determined should meet Alice. I chose not to go so Rosalie stayed back with me and we had a very girly time getting ready for our night out before we left to join the others at the club. It was good to have that breathing space in all honesty. By the time we reached the club it seemed that the place was pumping and the house was packed; probably due to it being the only decent night club in the area. Rosalie and I scanned the room until we saw Jasper and Emmett sitting at a table and we made our way through the throng of bodies to get to them.

"Where's Alice and Edward?" I questioned as I sat down in the space Emmett made for me, looking around to find the missing two pieces of our group.

"Alice is chatting to the deejay about some music requests for the night," Jasper laughed lightly at his girlfriends need to be the organizer "and Edward is getting a round of the drinks from the bar."

His explanation complete, he returned his attention to the conversation that had been taking place as we'd walked in which revolved around his sister's escapades with a doting Jacob in tow. We all found it quite amusing that she had him so completely wrapped around her finger and that he was willing to do anything at all for her. This time in Forks had certainly cemented their friendship and Emmett was teasingly muttering that the Cullens and the Swans seemed to have a natural attraction to one another that went beyond just Alice and Jasper. It didn't escape my attention when he raised his eyebrows up at me as he spoke but I chose to ignore him because frankly it wasn't something I wanted to dwell on, even if he was right.

Rosalie and I were discussing Esme's exceptional hospitality when Alice returned to plop herself on Jasper's vacant lap. His arms were instantly around her and she settled herself against his chest with a serene smile on her face.

"All sorted." She stated with a devilish grin. "I made sure he understood we were in the mood for a dance and wanted some good music tonight."

"I'm sure you did Ali," Jasper responded with his usual doting air.

"It had to be done. I'm all in for a good night." She moved herself off Jasper's lap but didn't break contact as she slid into the place right next to him. "I am interested though, in who the glamour puss is that Edward is talking to at the bar right now." Alice nodded towards the bar but it was hard to see through the crowd. My heart took a swift nose dive. Edward with some glamorous woman made me kind of feel sick to my stomach. Jasper stood up so that he could get a better look and then sat back down groaning.

"Great. Just what he needs. That's Tanya and let me tell you that she might be good looking but she is far from a nice person."

"Well why doesn't he ignore her and head back here to us," Rosalie said with more impatience than was warranted, which made me look at her with curiosity.

"Oh our Tanya there doesn't just let someone go when she has her sights on them and she has had her sights on Edward for years. She knows Edward is too nice to outright embarrass her and she uses that to her advantage. I can assure you that Edward is not enjoying that little tete to tete over there. Not at all."

Emmett scoffed. "Edward needs to start being as ruthless with the woman as he is in business. If Tanya was a competitor he would have her out of there in no time, regardless of her entreaties."

"He's a gentleman," My soft voice surprised even me and everyone turned to stare. I shrugged. "He wouldn't want to hurt her feelings and he hasn't got it in him to be rude to a woman."

"Exactly," Jasper conceded "and Tanya is even harder because she is a friend of the family and it would make things difficult. Actually you met her parents the other night at Camille's party, along with her sister Irina. I guess Tanya wasn't available to help Camille celebrate her birthday."

"So basically our Edward needs saving?" Alice piped up and Jasper nodded his agreement. "Well off you go then. Go help your brother."

The look of horror on Jasper's face was priceless and I couldn't help but giggle. Rosalie and Alice did the same.

"Um…..no. I don't want to draw Tanya's attention away from Edward because that would be detrimental to my health."

"What do you mean?" Rosalie was starting to get even more narky. What was her problem?

"Edward is the one she wants more than anything but let's just say if she can't get one Cullen brother she would be more than happy to settle for the other. I don't want to spend all night sidestepping her. I'm here to enjoy myself."

Alice no longer thought the situation was amusing. "She'd have to get past me first and let me tell you that I have no need to be polite to the girl. In fact I could…"

"Oh for goodness sakes I will go get him." I stood up from the table quickly before anyone could disagree and pushed my way through the crowd. I was at an angle from them when I was finally close enough to eavesdrop and it was very apparent that Edward was uncomfortable. That made me feel so much better about the beauty standing in front of him. She might be gorgeous but he didn't want her. The tightness in my chest was alleviated a little.

"What's your hurry Eddie? I haven't seen you in over a year and you can't spare me a few more minutes?"

"My friends are waiting Tanya. I need to get back to them with their drinks." Edward sounded resigned and it made me annoyed that she couldn't just let him go without the fuss like he obviously wanted her to.

"Fine. Why don't I join you and your friends then?" The words were not so bad but when she stepped closer to him and started to run her fingertips up and down his arm I wanted to run in there and snatch her hand away from him. Instead I stood frozen and waited for his reaction, which was for him to tighten his hold on the tray of drinks he was holding so that his fists were clenched . He spoke in a very controlled voice.

"Tanya. I actually have a girlfriend now so could you please stop touching me like that."

"Oh come on Eddie, we both know that you don't have a girlfriend because, let's face it, you're not the relationship kind of a guy."

I was already moving as Edward began to retaliate to her accusation. "Firstly, it's Edward Tanya, not Eddie and secondly you're wrong. I am capable of….."

His words halted and for a brief second his eyes lit up when he saw my approach. Then his face went a horrible ashen color as he glanced from me to Tanya.

_Oh no Edward. You've got nothing to worry about._

"Hi babe," I sidled up and situated myself into his side so I could place my arm around his waist and reach out to lightly rest my lips against his shirt clad shoulder in a pseudo kiss. He smelled remarkably good. Edward tensed a little in surprise but before I had a chance to say anything he had juggled the tray against himself so that he had one free arm which found its way around my shoulder. His face held so much thankfulness and admiration as he leant down to kiss my forehead that I almost forgot that we were acting for the girl in front of us. The clearing of her throat reminded me very quickly and I let my eyes move from Edward's face to look at her straight on.

"And you are?" The anger at my disruption was very evident in her voice.

"Oh sorry, how rude of me. I didn't mean to interrupt your discussion with a friend Edward. Emmett was getting antsy for his drink." I smiled up at Edward warmly and he gave me a huge grin in return. My heart fluttered a little. This position was all too comfortable and exciting. I liked the feel of his arm around me and the way he was looking at me as if I was the only girl in the world.

I held out my hand to Tanya. "I'm Bella. Edward's girlfriend. Pleased to meet you."

She looked down at my offered hand and raised an eyebrow in scorn so I let it drop again but kept my eyes trained on her face so that she knew I wasn't intimidated by her rudeness.

"Tanya…" Edward's warning was not in any way friendly now and he gripped my shoulder in a sign of support.

She looked at me with contempt and directed her words at Edward. "You don't actually want me to believe that this little nothing is your girlfriend, do you? You could have anyone you want Edward. Settling for less than nothing is against your nature."

Edward's face was taking on a life of its own as the anger took over. I would have made my own response to her insult if I hadn't been so worried that he was about to blow a gasket and definitely lash out at Tanya for what she was saying. Jasper had suggested that she was a family friend and it wasn't worth the angst of dealing with the politics of it just because someone I didn't care about had insulted me. My right hand came up and placed itself against Edward's chest and I could feel the thundering of his heart. I stretched up to whisper in his ear and felt his breathing accelerate even more. I didn't have time to question the reasoning behind that.

"She's not worth it. I came to give you an excuse to get away from her. Use it."

Edward struggled. I could see every emotion as it flitted across his face. He was angry and embarrassed and I was asking him not to follow through on what he wanted to do, which was berate her for her attack on me. His eyes searched mine to ensure I really wanted him to walk away and then he brought his hand up to graze his thumb from my earlobe down to my chin. My whole body reacted to his light touch and again I had to remember where I was; that I was not in some alternate universe which only encased myself and Edward. He took a deep breath and faced back to Tanya who was seething at the intimacy he had just displayed.

"On that note Bella and I are going to return to our friends Tanya and I hope you understand that after the way you just insulted my girlfriend, you are not welcome." His arm came away from my shoulder and I instantly felt bereft but he moved his free hand down and took my hand into his before moving away from a gobsmacked Tanya. "And just so it is completely clear, Bella is way out of your league; there's absolutely no comparison."

Edward was still angry as we approached the table where the others were giving us a standing ovation.

"So the prodigal son returns." Emmett teased as the two of us took our seats. "From all reports that should not have been so easy. I take it that Tanya didn't enjoy the competition?"

"I don't think she considered me competition at all actually." My words were flippant but there was a small ache when I thought about how right she was; Edward could do so much better than a girl like me, a girl who was somewhat broken and not able to give him what he deserved. "In fact she thought that me as Edward's girlfriend was a bit of a joke."

"Girlfriend?" Alice asked with interest and I was about to explain how I'd backed up Edward's claim that he was a taken man by pretending to be his girlfriend when Edward spoke with quiet determination.

"Yeah, well Tanya doesn't know squat and what she said was way off the mark. You shouldn't have been exposed to her lies and insults and all I can say is I'm sorry." Edward was way too worked up and I placed my hand on his knee to let him know that it was alright. "I'm so angry right now that I feel like going back over there and giving her a piece of my mind."

"So much for his inability to be rude to a woman," Emmett scoffed. As usual I ignored him.

"Easy there Mr Protective. She means nothing to me so there's nothing to worry about. Geez, I'd hate to see what you would have done to her if she had insulted a girl you were actually in love with."

Emmett spluttered as he choked on his drink and coughed harshly as he received death stares from both Rosalie and Edward. I frowned at this interaction between the three of them and turned to Jasper to see what he made of their strange behavior. His eyes were very deliberately looking down into his lap and I was getting no answers from him. Only Alice was looking at me directly and she had a small smirk on her face as if she had suddenly realized something. It was all very strange and just added to my discomfit of knowing how willingly I had let myself fall into a role that was all lies.

"Okay. I get it. A little over reaction on my part, but she just gets under my skin. Let's forget about it and get on with the good night we intended." Edward's nervousness did not make sense to me but I was happy to follow his instructions. He lifted his glass and raised it onto the circle. "Here's to good friends and a fun night."

All our glasses clinked together and the night seemed to get back on track with conversation beginning again on something other than Tanya and her rudeness. When the others were otherwise busy Edward leant into me so that his breath tickled my ear. Warmth seeped through me and I held my breath.

"Thanks for what you did Bella. Thanks for backing me up with the whole girlfriend bit."

All too soon he moved his mouth away from my ear and I struggled to be coherent when I told him 'anytime'. We smiled at one another and rejoined the discussion being held around us. I wasn't completely in the moment though because I was coming to the understanding that the way I felt when Edward was this close; so that his thigh pressed against mine and his arm every now and again brushed against me, was not normal for a girl who didn't want anything from him. My emotions were all over the place and the underlying thrumming of life within the bar combined with the intoxicating presence next to me was making my head spin.

Emmett returning from his turn at the bar, to hand me the non alcoholic concoction he thought I should try, made me focus on the rest of the table more fully. Jasper and I were the designated drivers for tonight since the trip from Port Angeles to Forks was a little far for a taxi fare but I was happy with my choice given the way my sober head was buzzing with confusion without the complication of alcohol.

"Edward you might like to show your girlfriend a little more attention since you are being watched like a hawk by one Tanya." Emmett taunted and winked at the two of us in amusement. "Put your arm around her at least."

"I'm not going to make Bella feel uncomfortable just to prove a point to Tanya. She can think what she wants."

My words came out with very little thought. "It doesn't worry me Edward. What's an arm slung around the shoulders between friends huh? I'd prefer that than having her nasty self over here trying to get into your pants."

Everyone let out a guffaw and I continued.

"It's not like Emmett is suggesting we make out."

"I could if you wanted me too." Emmett threw back and Rosalie smacked him across the back of his head with a little too much oomph. My lips turned up in a grin and I looked at Edward expecting him to have his own go at Emmett but instead found him staring at my lips intently and his adams apple moving up and down as he swallowed. I felt my cheeks redden and Edward shook himself out of whatever thoughts he was lost in, when he realized I was watching him, and turned nonchalantly to Emmett to respond.

"I think we'll stick with the arm around the shoulder for now Emmett but thanks for the offer."

The next fifteen minutes were spent with me trying to ignore the feel of Edward's arm sitting comfortably across my shoulders so that I fit perfectly into the crook of his arm, and the exhilarating feeling of him not just resting his hand on my arm but combing his long fingers through the hair at the nape of my neck at inconsistent intervals. He didn't falter with the conversation he was having with the others so I could only imagine he didn't realize that he was even doing it.

_I didn't want him to stop._

_And I desperately needed him to._

"I need to visit the ladies," I spoke to no one in particular but Alice was instantly up offering to come with me, so I moved reluctantly from under Edward's hold and breathed a sigh of relief. When I looked at Edward he merely smiled and kept up his banter with Jasper and Emmett.

As we walked Alice weaved her arm with mine and leant in close so that I could hear her above the noise of the club.

"Do you mind telling me what's going on with you and Edward, dear sister because it seems I'm the only one in the dark and it's not a nice place for me to be."

"Don't know what you're talking about Ali. I'm only helping him out of a jam. There's nothing more to it."

"Yeah, like I'm going to believe that. I'm not only talking about tonight either. You two have some kind of connection that goes beyond this friendship you're both trying to enforce. He looks at you as if he wants to consume you in every way and you look like you are constantly struggling with being close to him."

"Oh please Alice, don't you think you're being rather melodramatic? And besides if there was something going on you'd be the first to know because it's your thing to know what's going to happen before it actually does."

"Yeah well it seems I've been a bit off my game since I've been concentrating so hard on helping Jasper get where he wants to be. I can tell you that alarm bells are well and truly ringing now though and you need to come clean with me."

Alice suddenly stopped and then began moving again. "Actually hold onto that thought because right now we have incoming and this could get nasty."

I followed her scowling stare over to see a very annoyed looking Tanya heading towards us, as if she was going to follow us into the bathroom. Alice's eyes widened as she glanced the other way and I saw that Tanya was about to be very neatly cut off from her attempt as a living looking Edward stepped in front of her. Alice quickly pulled me into an alcove so that we could no longer see the altercation but could still hear it.

"Going somewhere?" Edward questioned with ill disguised sarcasm.

"To the bathroom if that is okay with you." Tanya answered with her own sarcasm.

"Actually it's not. Think it might be worth your while to wait for a little while."

"You're kidding right? Do not tell me you feel the need to protect your so called plain as Jane girlfriend from little old me Edward. Isn't she capable of speaking for herself?"

"You really have no idea Tanya. Bella is far from plain. In fact I think everything about her is beautiful and she is more than capable of looking after herself, but this time I'm choosing for her not to have to deal with your insults when she's trying to have a good night."

"Oh come on Edward. You can drop the charade. This protective crap is just making you look like an idiot."

"Well an idiot I am then because I would do absolutely anything to protect the girl who just walked in there Tanya and I'm not going to let you hurt her because you've got your nose out of joint. She means too much to me."

Alice was gripping onto my arm so tightly that it was beginning to hurt and her eyes were like saucers when she looked at me.

"Oh my god how can you possibly stand there and tell me nothing is going on." She whispered to me. "The guy would take a bullet for you."

"And the guy is only acting to get rid of a nuisance," I hissed back, trying to find the conviction I needed. "And have you forgotten Peter Alice? Do you think I'm going to forget him as well?"

Her eyes dropped in apology and she squeezed my arm once more in sympathy.

"I'm sorry sis. It's just the two of you seem so right and…."

"Anything, you say?" Tanya's calculating voice made us bring our attention back to the conversation playing out just beyond our view. Edward didn't speak so I could only assume that he nodded.

"Well how about we make a deal. I'll leave your precious Bella alone if you prove you don't find me attractive by kissing me. If you don't realize that you've made a mistake with little Miss Average in there after the kiss, I'll leave the two of you alone. No strings attached. I only want you to see what you've been missing out on all these years."

My hand went to my mouth in a defensive motion and Alice grimaced.

"He wouldn't," She hissed at me but my mouth was dry and I couldn't answer. There was no reason for him not to do it; she would be off his back if he did this one thing and it wasn't like he would be betraying a real girlfriend; we weren't really in a relationship.

But my brain was screaming for him not to succumb, not to make me imagine his lips against someone elses. Not to show her that I really meant nothing to him.

His silence was worrying and made me think he was considering that it might all be worth it. Then he answered and the disgust in his voice spoke volumes.

"You've just reinforced why I've never wanted to be with you Tanya. Why would I want to be with someone who acts like a school girl instead of a woman and needs to make such contrived attempts to be with someone even after they've made it quite clear that they only like her as a friend. I'm kind of disgusted right now."

"What's happened to you Edward. You've never treated me like this before and you've never been so keen to accept mediocre."

"You've never quite overstepped the mark in the same way before Tanya and as for what has happened to me….nothing…you've never bothered to look beyond what you see in front of you. You have no idea what makes me tick otherwise you'd never have made such a ludicrous suggestion. I would never, ever kiss one woman while I was in love with another and I don't need to kiss you when I already know that one touch from Bella would eclipse anything you had to offer. Have I made it clear enough for you? I am not interested and never will be."

Alice pulled at me and guided me away from the verbal confrontation that had left me reeling.

"I think we've heard enough. Come on, before he thinks we've been gone to long and sends in reinforcements."

I followed her mutely, absolutely stunned with what I had heard go down between Tanya and Edward. It amazed me that someone would be that desperate for attention that they would ask someone else to cheat just to make a point.

And then I became livid.

I may not be Edward's girlfriend but she did not know that and what she had suggested was plain wrong.

I may not be the most beautiful girl in the world but I was a decent person who would never dream of doing that to another girl. Not everything was about how perfectly good looking you were.

Who the hell did she think she was to insult me like that and at the same time treat Edward so badly? Like he had said to her, she didn't even know him and that made me angrier considering she had apparently been around him for years.

Alice didn't speak a word, merely staring at me as I angrily touched up the small amount of mascara and lip gloss I had put on earlier. It was as if she knew that I was about to crack and she was just waiting for the moment. I flung the gloss back into my bag and then faced her with a determined shift to my shoulders.

"Ready?"

She gave me an evil grin. "Of course"

And the two of us marched out of the bathroom in a manner that showed we meant business.

I almost halted when I noticed Edward leaning against the wall as if he didn't have a care in the world and was only patiently waiting, rather than playing a bodyguard role. He was gorgeous and I tried extremely hard to ignore my minds plea to forget the hussy and solely think about how Edward was there for me; how the jeans fit him perfectly and his crossed arms over his chest highlighted how fit and trim he was, how his hair was in its normal disarray as he tilted his head at an angle to greet us silently with the crooked smile that always did funny things to my heart.

I ignored the plea.

Tanya was not in his immediate vicinity but that only served to spur me back on so that I almost walked straight past Edward in my one tracked attempt to have it out with the girl who thought I was worth nothing and treated Edward like a piece of meat.

Edward gently grabbed my arm as I passed and I saw him give Alice a meaningful look. "Is everything alright?" Concern laced Edward's question and I rounded on him. All the pent up emotions of dealing with Peter's death, all the confusion of what I felt for Edward, all the words Tanya had said that I knew deep down were true because I could never be good enough or pretty enough for someone as perfect as Edward came to the fore.

"No it is not," I spoke through clenched teeth and Edward's concern turned into surprise at my vehemence.

"Okay?" Edward hadn't relinquished his hold on me and somehow it was already having a calming effect that I didn't want right now.

"We heard Tanya speaking to you Edward." Alice explained as I stood there willing him to let me go and not get into this with me. "And can I just say that I hope Jasper has that same stance on sticking up for the people he cares about because frankly I found that kind of hot."

"Oh." The small crease between his eyebrows deepened but after that one word he remained silent. Alice chose that moment to let us know that she was leaving us to sort this out ourselves and I hardly noticed her moving away because I was so caught up in my own indignation and the look of sorrow in Edward's eyes, that nothing else meant much to me.

I broke my own silence. "Yes we heard everything and I am going over there to give her a piece of my mind."

"Understandable but I'm wondering if it's worth it?"

"It would make me feel better."

"Really?" I could see from the look on his face that he knew me better than that. He knew that right now I was angry but later I would be upset with myself for giving into my emotions.

"I heard her tell you I'm a plain Jane."

"Then you must have also heard me tell her that you are the most beautiful woman I know."

The coil of tension that was at breaking point within me loosened a little.

"She thinks I can't look after myself."

"And we both know that is not the truth." His thumb was now moving backwards and forwards over my wrist as he looked me straight in the eye. I doggedly kept my anger simmering to counteract the warmth and rightness of what he was doing.

"She called you an idiot." I said with harsh indignation and his lips lifted slightly to show he was amused by the turn around in protectiveness.

"I've been called worse."

"She said I was nothing."

"And that's far from true."

I was becoming deflated under his calm assurances and my need to go speak to Tanya was waning. Then an image of Edward kissing the perfect beauty of Tanya invaded my mind and the simmer became a roaring inferno again.

"She's a vile human being and I don't care how pretty she is, she had no right to…..to…."

Edward was watching me intently and this time had no response.

"She doesn't even know the kind of person you are Edward. She asked you to kiss her. Even though you told her you were taken, she was willing to make you cheat."

"And you heard my answer to that too Bella. You must know that I didn't want to kiss her; that I don't want to kiss anyone else."

My tirade was quickly quelled as I took in his words.

_I don't want to kiss anyone else._

I tried to pretend I didn't know what he meant but it didn't work. He was too close. He was too perfect and had just stuck up for me in every way possible. I wasn't going to think about it anymore. The coil loosened entirely and a rush of adrenaline coursed through me.

"I'm so sorry Edward." I breathed as I took a step closer.

"What on earth for?"

"For this."

My hands found their way up to grasp his shoulders. He was as still as a statue as I pulled his head down so that I could reach his lips with mine. When my mouth finally got to its destination Edward hesitatingly placed his hands on my hips as if the movement might frighten me and stop what was happening between us.

Beyond the first touch, that sent shockwaves up and down my body, there was the gentle lingering touch of the lips as I explored the outline of his mouth. Every one of my senses was on high alert; taste and texture combined to make me want more…..always more and when I took his bottom lip into mine he immediately opened up to me to give me exactly what I was silently asking for.

Bliss…..complete bliss.

It seemed an eternity of soft caresses using only our mouths before Edward's breath caught and a change came over him so that he was no longer letting me have control of the kiss. Up until that moment he had not touched me anywhere but at my hips but now one hand slipped around my waist and I could feel him tugging at me, trying to get our bodies closer while the other wound its way through my hair. My own hand moved to the back of his head and I returned the passion that had so suddenly ignited between us with such force. I lost myself completely in his nearness and his kiss. There was no thought, only feeling and it was like nothing I had ever known before.

A discrete cough from behind me snapped me back to reality and as I froze, Edward tensed waiting for me to withdraw from him. I moved my face a little away so that I could look into his eyes. They were smouldering but there was a touch of panic there as well that made my heart break. His fingers were still entangled in my hair and I had the sudden need to escape.

"Please don't do it," Edward whispered and his breath fanned my face as his forehead fell to rest against mine. "Please don't regret it Bella. Don't kiss me like that and then walk away as if it was wrong."

My words were wrenched from my mouth and I couldn't look at him anymore. "I can't….I'm sorry….I…Oh god….."

The last thing I noticed were his slumped shoulders and hurt expression as I did exactly what he had just asked me not to.

I walked away feeling like the worst person in the world.

Besides complete strangers, only three people had witnessed the kiss that was still eliciting a tingly feeling on my lips; Emmett, Rosalie and Tanya.

Emmett's proclamation that my willingness to help Edward out of a tight spot was admirable only made me glare at him, although his next words relating to Tanya leaving when she saw the kiss made me feel a little better that I had not embarrassed Edward with at least one thing.

I ignored Emmett's evident delight in seeing Edward and I kiss and spoke solely to my sister who was staring at me with her usual knowing look.

"I need to go home now." I was starting to shake in the aftermath of what I had just done and Rosalie duly noticed it.

"Fine. I can't drive but I'll keep you company."

I didn't bother to argue, only wanting to get out before Edward returned and I had to face his pleading eyes and the knowledge that I'd hurt him. The two of us quickly left with Rosalie giving Emmett instructions to let Alice and Jasper, who were currently dancing, know that I wasn't feeling well and we'd gone home.

Once we were on the road I thanked my lucky stars that it was Rosalie with me rather than Alice. I was not in the mood for fifty questions that I had no answers for. We were half an hour into the drive before Rosalie finally spoke.

"Do you want to talk about it?"

"He's going to hate me." was the first thing that came to mind.

"I very much doubt that."

"I kissed him Rose. I couldn't help it."

"I saw that Bella and it was definitely not so much a 'friend kiss' but more a 'I want you body and soul kiss'. It was one hell of a kiss."

"Did you have to point that out?"

"Probably not but I wanted you to see how it looked from the outside."

"It should never have happened."

"Well I think it was only a matter of time before it did really."

Her words were doing nothing to ease my guilt and I told her so. She simply shrugged her shoulders at me.

"I can't help it if the truth isn't something you want to hear Bella. At some point you're going to have to stop denying that you feel more for him than what you feel you should."

I glared at her and she stared right back as if to challenge me to argue. I huffed and refused to take her on, concentrating more fully on the road and willing us to get there as quickly as possible.

The house was silent when we got back and I was thankful that I wouldn't have to face Esme or Carlisle. Rosalie and I climbed the stairs to make our way to the guest rooms where we were residing. I was in no mood to talk anymore and just wanted to curl up on my bed and pretend that nothing out of the ordinary had happened tonight; that I hadn't selfishly let my feelings for Edward come forth when we couldn't follow through on them. I hated myself for doing that to him. He was the last person I would readily hurt.

"You're going to have to sort this out in the morning Bella. You can't leave things like this. It's bad enough that you ran away the way you did."

I was about to protest when Rosalie put her hand up to stop me.

"I understand why you did and honestly I think Edward will probably understand too because he is either ridiculously patient with you or purely masochistic, but you still need to talk to him. It's only fair."

She followed up her speech with a curt goodnight and left me to my own devices.

Sleep didn't come easily as I kept my ears open for the sound of the other car getting home and I kept replaying in my mind the way Edward had held me tentatively and then with more force as he kissed me.

Two apologies were whispered into the night before I finally fell into a restless sleep.

The first to Peter and the second to Edward. I hoped that at least one of them was heard.

Strangely enough I slept in; maybe my way of putting off the inevitable confrontation with Edward. When I finally made my way into the kitchen I swear all conversation ceased and the three habitants of Alice, Emmett and Rosalie stared at me guiltily. As I smiled unsurely at them Esme bustled into the kitchen with her usual cheerful greeting, asking me if I had slept well and then proceeding to ask me what she could get me for breakfast. My stomach rumbled at the offer but I was pretty sure I wouldn't be able to eat anything until I had spoken to Edward.

"Actually I wanted to talk to Edward about something first, if that's okay?"

"Oh I am sorry sweetheart, Edward left this morning to get back to New York. I thought he went up to let you know before they left." Esme's face was creased in confusion and I tried valiantly not to allow her to see how much her words had impacted on me. "I guess he didn't want to wake you."

Jacob and Camille chose that moment to waltz into the kitchen and Esme was concentrating on their needs as she pulled things out of the fridge. I took the opportunity to look at my sisters and Emmett to get some answers.

"Edward got a phonecall while we were at the club last night." Alice was the one to explain. "There was an emergency at work and he was asked to return as soon as possible. Jasper had driven him to Seattle to get a flight out. They left hours ago."

All I could do was nod my head. Emmett came over to give me a bear hug and whispered. "He really did go up to speak to you. This wasn't about you. Just unfortunate timing."

All I could think about was that Edward was gone.

I had kissed him and run and now he had left in return.

I couldn't make it up to him. I wouldn't be able to tell him what I had figured out in the middle of the night.

That I couldn't get Edward's kiss out of my head even though along with it came the guilt and turmoil that had been shadowing me for months.

And there in lied the problem because…..

Peter's many kisses had been comfort and devotion.

And Edward's one kiss had been ….everything.

How could I be willing to accept what that actually meant in reality when I knew deep down it was all too much, all too soon?

Maybe Edward's disappearance was a good thing after all.


	15. Chapter 15: Flight

**For those of you who have reviewed – you make me smile! Thanks so much for taking the time to let me know what you think. **

**Hope you all enjoy this chapter from Edward's point of view.**

Chapter 15

EPOV - Flight

Nothing could have prepared me for Bella Swan's kiss. Absolutely nothing.

It had come unannounced. It had come swiftly and it had been one of the most exhilarating feelings I had ever experienced.

_If only I could have held onto it for longer; if only I could have done something to keep her in that moment…_

…..because for a brief period in time Bella had been entirely mine. I could feel it in the way she clung to me, I could feel it in the way her full lips traced mine before gently sucking on my bottom lip, I could feel the reverberations of it when she sighed softly against my mouth and silently requested permission to explore more fully.

I granted it to her, of course, because quite simply I loved her and couldn't think of anything I would rather do than kiss her properly.

She wasn't thinking of her grief, she wasn't caught up in her guilt, Peter's ghost was not playing a part at all. This kiss was all about me and her and the attraction that had been simmering since the moment we had met. She gave that kiss her all.

And I held back, controlling my impulse to give free reign to my hands and mouth because I was petrified that as soon as I let go she would realize her mistake and turn away from me.

So I held her tentatively, keeping distance between us except where our lips melded together. My return kisses were not the demanding ones that my body yearned for, they were gentle and worshipping, the kind I hoped would tell Bella she was cared for.

But then she elicited the smallest moan and I was done for. I couldn't keep my hands at her hips; they needed to be entwined in her hair, something I had been dreaming of doing forever. I needed to pull her closer so that I could hear her heart beat against my chest. I needed to touch her translucent skin so that she would seem real to me and I brought my fingers up to the nape of her neck to gratify that need. She did not recoil; instead she answered my own needs strongly with her own.

Kissing Bella was everything I had never dared to believe possible.

I knew it couldn't last.

A discrete cough from a complete stranger was what did it.

That person did not understand the magnitude of what had just taken place between Bella and I. That person had no idea that Bella had completely let go with me for the first time ever. That person did not know that their discrete cough was the beginning of the end.

She flinched….she froze…the guilt emanated from her yet again and I could do nothing but beg her not to withdraw from something that had been so perfect between us.

She did it anyway; she fled.

Just the way I knew she would!

Emmett was on his own when I got back to the table, having taken my time to give Bella the opportunity to regain her composure. I had underestimated her need to get away from me though and it was very much evident now.

"She left, didn't she?" It wasn't really even a question.

"Sorry man." Emmett responded in a sympathetic tone. "Rosalie went with her though so she should be fine."

I was conflicted. What was I meant to do in this situation? "Maybe I should try and catch her; apologise or…..I don't know…do something."

"Leave it Edward. Rosalie has her and right now that's probably the best thing."

I dejectedly took my seat and pinched my nose between finger and thumb.

"Jasper and Alice?"

"Dancing." Nothing more needed to be said. If they'd witnessed the kiss Alice would be either with her sister or over here badgering me.

"That was totally unexpected," I muttered as Emmett pushed my glass towards me.

"You think? You two have been dancing around one another for ages now. I didn't think it would be Bella who instigated it though. Tanya must have really got to her."

"Possibly. Who knows? One moment she was spitfire Bella; all indignant and angry that Tanya had insulted us and then suddenly she was kissing me. I have no idea what I am meant to do now? She is going to be raking herself over the coals for this one, I can guarantee it.

Before Emmett responded a breathless Alice came scurrying over with a worried Jasper trailing her.

"Where's Bella? I just noticed that Tanya is nowhere to be seen. You didn't actually let Bella go after her did you Edward because that would be plain stupid and leaving the two of them alone would be even stupider," Alice was leaning over me as she reprimanded and I reminded myself never to cross her. Jasper gently pulled her back so that she wasn't entirely in my space. She turned on him ferociously. "….And if you hadn't so expertly distracted me by dragging me off to dance I would have been keeping a closer watch on what was actually happening and my sister would not be having it out with some monster of a woman who doesn't know how to accept the word no and thinks it is alright to steal people's boyfriends."

Jasper watched his girlfriend with a growing expression of wonder. I couldn't blame him. She was like an avenging angel who had no comprehension how fierce she looked right about now.

Emmett broke the unflinching stare down happening between the two of them.

"Tanya left the building when she saw Edward kissing Bella senseless."

"Emmett!" I hissed at him, only to get his cheeky grin in return. I didn't have time to be comforted about the fact that Tanya had only witnessed the first part of the kiss and not the end result because Alice's whole demeanour changed and I almost had to cover my ears when she squealed.

"You kissed Bella? I knew it. I knew it. Bella told me you were acting with all the things you said to Tanya but I knew differently. You weren't pretending to be in love with Bella, you actually are in love with her. Oh my god. What did she do when you kissed her? Where is she now?"

"Ali, settle down a bit. I'm sure Edward can explain." Jasper spoke calmly but he was giving me the look that said are you flipping kidding me bro?

"Actually just for the record Bella kissed Edward, not the other way around and it wasn't any innocent friendly kiss. It was a full on…"

"Emmett, your input is not helping." I gave him a look to convey I wasn't impressed.

"Bella kissed you? As in she took the first step. That is huge Edward. Do you even understand how huge that is?"

"Huge enough for her to leave when she realized what we'd done." I couldn't help but let the disappointment and agitation creep into my voice. I wanted to be understanding, but the fact was I was extremely hurt by her walking away after I'd pleaded with her not to.

"Oh," Alice's face fell. "Is she okay?"

"Rosalie went home with her. I'm sure she will be fine," Emmett gave Alice the reassurance but she was searching my face.

"Are you?" Alice questioned with compassion and for a moment I felt like baring my soul and letting her know that her sister's kiss had meant the world to me and that I was struggling with the fact that it would never be the same for her.

I remained silent.

"Edward, you have to look at it from her perspective. Peter was a good, good person. She has spent years being a loyal friend and then girlfriend. He never did anything to make her question that they weren't meant to be together. She has never known anything but him and now he's gone and it hurts her. This thing with you; it's something entirely different to anything she's ever encountered."

Emmett was nodding his head in agreement. "Rosalie and I have been watching the two of you and we both agree; this thing between you and Bells is way beyond her relationship with Peter. The chemistry is undeniable; anyone can see it. You're like two magnets that are trying ridiculously hard not to be drawn together. Even before Peter passed it was like that."

Alice looked at Emmett shocked and then began shaking her head as she muttered to herself. "How on earth did I miss all this happening right under my nose. It's ridiculous." She pulled herself together and got back to the original conversation.

"How do you think that makes Bella feel Edward? To know that she can be so strongly attracted to someone after she had spent her life thinking that Peter was the one for her. Right now she must be feeling entirely overwhelmed and out of control. That's a new feeling for Bella and she has to come to terms with it. Unfortunately this time her way of dealing was to run."

"You think I don't know all that guys? I didn't ask for any of this. I didn't want to fall for a girl that I know can never really be with me."

Alice let out an exasperated moan. "Are you not listening to us Edward? If Bella didn't care she wouldn't have kissed you. She might need a little time and space but you can't give up on her."

My phone rang and I anxiously picked it up, hoping that Bella had decided she had made a mistake to leave me. No such luck as I listened to the man's greeting on the other end and I indicated to the others that I needed to take the call outside.

Once the call was completed I returned to the others who were waiting impatiently.

"Well it seems that Bella can have all the time and space she needs because that was work and I've just been summoned back to New York."

Early morning came and I was kind of hoping that with it some sort of answer would miraculously appear about what I should do with regards to Bella. She had not come out of the room last night when we'd finally returned to the house so I'd gone to bed in an anxious frame of mind. My sleep had been one of broken dreams, all revolving around Bella and our kiss and invariably ending with Bella telling me that it had been a mistake that could never be repeated. Needless to say I woke up quite grumpy.

Jasper had offered to give me the early morning ride to the airport so he was already up and having breakfast when I stumbled into the kitchen in need of a headache tablet.

"Looks like it was a good night?" He spoke through the toast that was hanging out of his mouth.

"Don't even go there Jasper. I'm in no mood."

He flicked away some imaginary crumbs from the front of his shirt. "Why don't you just tell her?"

"Tell who what?"

"Tell Bella the truth. That you love her and that Peter asked you to look after her because he knew how you felt."

MY eyes squeezed shut in annoyance so that I would not have to look at my brother for a moment. Was he seriously advising me to take that path?

"I'm sure that would go down really well Jasper. Hey, Bella, just wanted to let you know that I am crazy in love with you and whilst we're talking about it, your dead fiancé asked me to take good care of you as he was dying in my arms….so hey can we ride off into the sunset together and live our happily ever after?"

The sarcasm did not even make him miss a beat. ""She has a right to know. We should have told her months ago what his wishes were."

"He was scared and not thinking straight. Us telling her that, would only make her more confused and hurt. I refuse to do that to her. She doesn't need to be with someone because she feels she should meet her fiancé's last request."

"She should know!" He was adamant in his belief but this wasn't our first time of arguing this particular point and like every other time I was digging my heels in.

"We told her he said he loved her and that he wanted her to be happy. There is nothing else more important than that."

Luckily Esme shuffled into the kitchen with a yawn so it put a stop to a conversation I was sick of having.

"You boys are up early. I thought for sure you'd all be sleeping in after your big night out." She passed the two of us on her way to the kettle and gave us both a good morning kiss on our foreheads. The two of us couldn't help but grin at each other with her motherly display of affection. We weren't home very often anymore so she took every opportunity possible to give us some form of love when we made it back.

"Actually I've been called back to work and Jasper's driving me to the airport. 

Disappointment crossed her face. "Oh really? That's a bit odd isn't it?"

"I guess they think I owe them since I've taken quite a bit of time off lately and they've given me some leeway with not returning to Paris when I should have. Some backers have pulled out of a medical research project and it will have a huge impact on a number of facets of the business if we don't get them to reconsider. They think I'm the one to do it so I've well and truly been summoned. There's no way out of it."

Esme came over to hug me tightly and let me know that I would be missed for the rest of the week. She had loved having us all here together and she bemoaned the fact that she probably wouldn't see me again before I had to head back to Paris.

"Does everyone else know you're leaving today?"

"Only Emmett and Alice. Everyone else was asleep when we got home." Esme didn't comment on that little tidbit of information but I could see curiosity in her face.

"Well your father will be down any moment but you need to go up and wake your sister to say goodbye. If you don't I will never hear the end of it and teenage girls are hard enough without the scenario of an older brother who just doesn't love her enough to say goodbye drama."

I swallowed the last gulp of the juice I was consuming and headed off to follow her command.

"And while you're up there you should probably let Bella know that you're leaving. I've noticed the two of you getting closer and she might be a bit hurt if you don't let her know what's going on."

_Subtle mum. Subtle._

Thanks for the advice mum." I said with a roll of my eyes as Jasper snickered behind her.

"What? I like her Edward. She's a nice girl and you deserve a nice girl. I know things are hard for her right now and that your father has already given you the 'be careful' talk but who knows what could happen down the track…..eventually. That's all I'm saying."

"And it's more than enough thanks. I will see you in ten in the car Jasper."

Camille's goodbye was easy if you didn't count the whinge about waking her up at some godforsaken hour of the morning. We spoke for a few minutes about keeping in touch and when I would next be home for a visit. After that I left her to fall back into her bed for some extra z's.

Bella was much harder. I stood outside her door for a full minute contemplating whether I should knock or not. In the end I quietly opened her door and saw her sleeping the deep sleep of the exhausted. I couldn't bring myself to wake her knowing that I had limited time to speak to her and there was no way we could work things out in that period. The covers hanging over her legs told me that she had had a restless night of sleep too and she was better off resting rather than being disturbed by me; the last person she probably wanted to see. I took one last look at how beautiful she looked and imprinted the image inside my head. I gently closed the door behind me and nearly ran straight into Emmett.

"Can't bring yourself to do it? Say goodbye I mean."

I merely shook my head no and the two of us walked downstairs together.

"She'll be fine Edward and everything will work out in the end."

I wasn't so sure about that.

Work took over every waking minute as soon as I landed back in New York city. Meetings, deadlines and frantic negotiations took predominance over my life but even through all of that I still couldn't get Bella off my mind. I had sent her one text at the beginning, apologizing for not saying good bye in person and she had sent one straight back stating that it was fine and good luck with work. It was very impersonal and told me very little about where she was at. I convinced myself that it didn't matter. That the kiss we'd shared could be a really good memory for me to keep hold of and that the time apart would be the start of the space Bella obviously needed to move on and be happy within herself.

So when the group returned to town and Emmett asked for a catch up between us all, I declined offering work as a very valid excuse. When Rosalie rang, confused, to question when I would be returning to the apartment so that she could get the appropriate amount of groceries I told her that for the moment I was sleeping at work because I was doing unusual hours. She didn't believe my reasoning but I told myself that it didn't matter because I had been staying at work and a half lie wasn't as bad as an outright one.

When, a week and a half after their return, Bella began to call I didn't pick up and I told myself it was the best thing to do. I was too snowed under at work to give her the time we needed to sort things out between us. I was saving her the trouble of having to tell me that it was too hard for us to remain friends. I was giving her the space she needed to come to terms with her loss without me being there to confuse things for her. Every excuse possible rattled through my head and some of them I even believed…..almost.

She never left a voice message.

Jasper's text was the one that brought me out of the work induced bubble I was living in.

_The next time Bella rings, answer the phone or I will personally come down there and drag you out of whatever important meeting you are in and make sure you face her. She is beside herself with worry._

_PS You can't avoid us forever!_

The idea that I was worrying Bella made me uneasy. I thought I was doing the right thing by her by allowing work to take up all my time so that she didn't have to deal with my affections. It seemed my silence had a greater impact than I had envisioned.

I resolved to answer her next call so when it finally came I was pretty much prepared for whatever she threw my way. What I hadn't been ready for was the way her voice made me realize I had been ridiculous in thinking that time away from her would make things easier.

"Hello Edward," It was a question rather than a greeting and I felt like a heel for making her doubt our friendship.

"Hi Bella. Yes it's me."

"You answered." Her tone was accusatory and I was glad she couldn't see my cheeks redden in guilt.

"I'm sorry about that Bella. I have been swamped with work."

"Oookkkkkaaaayyyyyy." The way she drew out the word told me she was holding back on what she really wanted to say and I could only imagine that it would have been calling me out on my half truths. "Will work be slowing down anytime soon because everyone is kind of missing you?"

Guilt rose again. In throwing myself into my work so fully I had neglected the people I cared about the most in this world.

"I'm not entirely sure. I am hoping within the next week or so."

There was a pause as if Bella was contemplating what I'd said but then she spoke and it was very evident that she had been psyching herself up for her own words.

"Is there any chance that you can take a break for a short while? Maybe dinner tonight? I feel like I owe you considering my behavior the last time we were together."

Dinner with Bella. Suddenly I craved her company more than anything else. For the past two weeks I'd been pushing back my impulses to ring her just to hear her voice. I'd been telling myself that I didn't need to see her; that I was strong enough to stay away and with one little request she had proven I wasn't strong enough at all. Going cold turkey from Bella was not going to work.

But I was going to have to deny her anyway.

"I can't tonight Bella. I'm really sorry. We're about to close a deal and….."

"Surely they give you time off to eat Edward. I won't take up much of your time." Her pleading made me want to agree and forget the consequences for my company but I couldn't do it. Too much was at stake for not only the business but the people who relied on us to give them assistance and support.

"I wish I could Bella but I just can't right now. I really am sorry. Maybe we could…"

"Don't worry about it Edward. I see how it is. Sorry for disturbing you at work. I'll make sure it doesn't happen again."

"Bella, no that's not….."

But she'd hung up.

I desperately tried calling her back but got nothing but the engaged signal. I didn't want a misunderstanding to make things worse than they already were. I was cursing my stupidity, not only during the conversation but also ever since I'd left Forks as I stubbornly kept trying her phone. Nothing!

"Jane and Gareth are waiting for you in conference room two." Felix, the personal assistant I had been assigned to during my time in New York, stated as he poked his head around the corner and watched me poking angrily at the redial button of my phone.

"Tell them I will be a few minutes," I growled in response and he looked at me in surprise before he rearranged his face into professional impassivity.

"You're on a bit of a tight deadline here Mr Cullen. Can I tell Jane exactly how long you will be?"

"Tell her that something important has come up and I'll be in there as soon as possible. Ask them to start looking through the briefs and make sure the figures are correct."

Felix left after taking in my instructions. He would not be happy about relaying my tardiness to this meeting because Jane was renowned for her issues with punctuality and he would have to bear the brunt of her annoyance. It couldn't be helped though because I needed to get in touch with Bella. She was my first priority in this instant. After ten minutes of trying over and over again to contact her I had to admit defeat and make my way to the conference room to face another afternoon of business briefings. How on earth was I going to concentrate on what needed to be done when all I could think about was the hurt and bravado in Bella's voice before she'd hung up on me?

The restaurant was alive with the sounds of diners eating, laughing and conversing but none of it was registering in my head because it was too full of two things; Bella and the meeting I was about to be involved in. The two subjects were warring with one another inside my head even though my mind should have been solely focusing on only one at this moment. Jane's constant reminders of business, as she sat across from me, were the only reason Bella didn't naturally win in this war.

"You need to be one hundred percent ready for this Edward. They've requested you specifically and it won't look good if your mind is not wholly within the negotiations."

"I know Jane. I'll do what is needed. I've dealt with them before."

"Yeah well, you're a little sidetracked right now if you don't mind me saying but we've all worked too hard over the past few weeks to let this slip away from us."

"Relax, we will pull this off." I tried not to let my agitation get the better of me. It wasn't Jane's fault that I had stuffed things up with Bella and in all honesty Jane had worked like a trojan on this project, alongside of me, so I couldn't blame her for being worried.

My glass of wine was up to my lips when I had the first inkling that I was either losing my mind or Bella was near. My head turned to find Bella frozen in mid walk looking at me from across the room with chocolate brown eyes saturated with hurt. My heart stuttered in my chest and I couldn't do anything else but stare. It wasn't until Angela Webber came in behind her and waved at Ben who was sitting not so far from me, and Bella turned to speak quietly but urgently to her, that I was spurred into action.

Because Bella was turning to flee again.

And there was no way I was going to let her do that for a second time.

"I'll be right back," I aimlessly flung at Jane but didn't wait to hear her berate me for my poor timing. I dashed towards the restaurant doors, quickly letting a clearly confused Angela know I would follow Bella. Outside I didn't have to go far before I caught up with her.

"Bella wait. Where are you going?"

"Away from here," She spat out at me and continued to walk so that I was forced to clutch at her hand so that she would halt and face me. I didn't like the look on her face at all. She was furious.

"I can see now why you had no time to hear my apologies. Well good on you Edward. Tanya would be proud that you came to your senses and found a girl who was worthy of you. Pity she wasn't with you a couple of weeks ago. Tanya wouldn't have been able to suggest she is nothing or average. She is beautiful and probably smart and everything that the great Edward Cullen should have on his arm. Would have saved us both a lot of grief."

Her words were echoing through my head. It was hard to make sense of what she was saying.

"Bella. You've lost me. Who?...What?" and then the meaning of her words caught up with me. I could only imagine the look of incredulity that crossed my face. "You're talking about Jane. You think I'm on a date and that's why I said I couldn't see you tonight."

She stared at me unforgivingly. "Well that's the truth, isn't it?"

I let go of her hand because I needed to retain some semblance of control and I was itching to pull her towards me and continue what we'd been doing the last time she was this close to me. I rubbed my face in agitation because suddenly I was tired; no, not just tired, exhausted.

"The truth is that I'm here for a business dinner and Jane and I are about to be joined by two more business associates. This is far from some frivolous date Bella. I would never have said no to you if I could have helped it.

"Oh"

"Yes, oh. And if you had have answered your phone today after you hung up on me then I could have explained myself more fully to you and we wouldn't be having this misunderstanding."

"I don't really think you can talk about not answering phones Edward. You've had a problem with that for days and days now if you care to remember."

I sighed. She was right. We were at a stalemate and I wasn't sure how to proceed.

"You're right and I am really sorry but…you kissed me Bella."

Her words came out in a whisper. "I know and that's why I needed to see you and apologise. I should never….."

Anger flared within me. She still didn't understand. "Stop! Don't do that. Don't you dare apologise for kissing me. Apologise for running afterwards when I begged you not to. Say sorry for ignoring my plea not to regret it, if you have to apologise for something but don't tell me it should never have happened; that you're sorry you kissed me."

Bella looked like I had struck her. She was completely immobile as she struggled for an answer. She was blushing her normal pink and had a hold of her hair as if it would give her some sort of support. Then she pulled herself together and there was as much anger in her voice as there had been in mine.

"Well I might have run Edward but so did you. Two weeks is a long time to pretend someone doesn't exist. You won't answer my calls, you won't come to any place where you might possibly run into me. You're not even going home at night to Emmett and Roses. If that's not showing regret for what happened, I don't know what is."

"What? You think I regret that kiss? You don't know anything if you think that is true. Me staying away had nothing to do with regret and everything to do with giving you the spaces you obviously need from me. I know it's hard for you Bella but it's hard for me to to see that I am the cause of your guilt and regrets. I thought that by leaving you alone I would make things easier for you."

Bella's head was hung so I couldn't see her face but when she lifted it I was mortified to see that tears were glistening in her eyes. My anger died and my automatic response was to reach for her so that I could offer comfort but then a voice came out of nowhere and it caused Bella to flinch and back away from me again.

"Edward, there you are. Oh hi Bella. Nice to see you again." Jane smiled at a very confused Bella who had no memory of meeting Jane on the night of her drinking binge. Somehow I didn't think now was the time to remind her.

"Look sorry to interrupt you two but Aro and Marcus will be here any moment and I don't think it will look good if you're not there to greet them. I don't need to remind you how important this is, do I?"

"Not for the millionth time today….no Jane, you don't." I took note of Bella's slumped shoulders and knew I couldn't leave things like this. I addressed Jane. "Give us a moment please and then I promise I will be all business.

Jane looked between the two of us and nodded. "Bella. I hope that we see each other soon where we actually have time to chat." Bella nodded, still confused and Jane left us but not before giving me one last look of appeal not to ruin our meeting.

"You need to go." Bella said softly and although she was right I wished it was different.

"Yes I do but clearly you and I need to talk about this. Please believe me when I say that over the next few days I am going to be ridiculously busy with this project so I probably won't have time to see you but that has nothing to do with you, I promise. We can talk and try and sort things out after that. Is that okay? It's not ideal but my hands are kind of tied."

All the bravado and ire had died from the conversation and we were back to the point of awkward not knowing we had been at before.

"That's fine. Go. We'll talk later. I don't want you to lose a client because of me. I don't want to give you another reason to think it's too hard to be my friend."

Time was not on my side but her words could not be left hanging.

"There's no issue with our friendship Bella. That has never been in question. The issue is completely different. I think we both know that. Regardless of what happens when we talk, you have my friendship. I can promise you that."

Her smile was meant to be conciliatory but I could see the sadness behind them so I repeated the words Emmett had given me the morning I left Forks.

"Everything will work out in the end."

"I hope so."

"It will but for now you and I have people to meet. I'm sure Ang is wondering what on earth is going on right now."

"And Jane is wondering if you're going to forgo a million dollar deal because of the antics of one misguided girl." Bella teased lightly. We both laughed.

And boy did that feel good.


	16. Chapter 16: Acceptance

Chapter 16

BPOV - Acceptance

Luckily for me Ben's brother Aaron had joined us for the impromptu dinner that Angela had invited me to, so when Edward and I came back into the restaurant and went our separate ways Angela did not have the opportunity to ask too much, except was everything alright. I'd given her an affirmative answer and thrown myself into a discussion with Aaron about the jobs I had recently applied for. To the best of my ability I ignored what was happening over at Edward's table and concentrated on the people on my own. From the little I did see, it seemed that Edward was charming the two men who had joined them and they treated him as if they had a lot of respect for him. I hoped that bode well for whatever he was trying to achieve.

After a pleasant enough meal with Angela, Ben and Aaron we rose to leave and Edward caught my eye, giving me a subtle smile and tip of his head. With that action he was telling me I hadn't been forgotten; that we would sort something out between us as soon as possible. At least he was talking to me again; the past couple of weeks had been horrible with me see- sawing between wanting to see him and me wanting to forget that he existed. I soon realized that the later option was not possible because he was constantly on my mind and the longer I went without his company the more I had to accept that I wanted him around.

"So are you going to tell me what happened back there?" Angela queried once Ben and Aaron had left to meet up with their gaming buddies.

My embarrassment with the way I had reacted when I saw Edward with Jane was still very much evident and I tried to make light of the situation to cover it. I failed miserably.

"I wasn't expecting to see Edward at the restaurant and it kind of threw me."

"Um…you full on panicked, Bella and you looked furious. I thought you wouldn't come back for the night. That's a pretty strong reaction to seeing a friend at a restaurant."

"I….well it's just that….he has kind of been avoiding me for the past couple of weeks and I finally got to speak to him today and he told me he was too busy at work to meet up with me so I could apologize and then….. I walked in and saw him at the restaurant with that girl and I assumed…"

"That he had put you off for a date with someone else." Angela completed as if it all made sense to her now.

"Basically," The embarrassment was never going to leave me.

"I have a pretty strong feeling that he wouldn't do that to you Bella. I think he cares a great deal for you." Angela spoke carefully as if she didn't want to upset me with her words. "Did you sort it out?"

"Kind of. He was there for a work meeting and he had to go back in, so besides a few poorly thought out accusations we didn't get much of a chance to talk. We've agreed that when his work slows down we will talk it through.

We were back at Angela's apartment now and she stopped to greet the doorman as we both walked past him. The elevator ride up to her floor was pretty much quiet as Angela considered what I had told her. Once inside she undid her coat and grabbed mine off me. The kitchen was our destination so that she could put the kettle on and we both leaned against the counter to wait for it to boil.

"So why has he been avoiding you and why did you feel you needed to apologize to him?"

Angela was my best friend and I loved her dearly but I wasn't sure how she would respond to me kissing someone else so soon after Peter's death. He had been her friend too after all. I struggled to deal with it myself and I could only imagine what it would look like to someone on the outside. I couldn't lie to her though so I just blurted it out to get it over with, much like you do when pulling off a band aid.

"I might have accidently kissed him."

Angela spluttered and then started laughing. "How on earth do you accidently kiss someone Bella?"

"I don't know Angela. Somehow it just happened and I hadn't seen Edward since, until tonight so it was a bit uncomfortable and…."

"Bella. Take a deep breath, slow down and explain from the beginning. I knew I was missing out on more than just Camille's party when we said no to Forks."

So I related everything that had happened over the course of the past few weeks when it came to Edward and I. It was freeing to finally get it off my chest so fully because I hadn't opened up completely to anyone, not even my sisters who knew bits and pieces. I told Angela about the peacefulness of the meadow and the rightness of holding Edward's hand. I explained the liturgy of feelings that had bombarded me within the Cullen's household knowing how much time Peter had spent there and how he never would again. I related the perfection of Edward's piano playing and the way he was able to bring music to life with the touch of his fingers on the keys, as if he was born to do nothing else. I spoke of red blinding jealousy when I knew Edward was talking to another woman and how it had come out of the blue as something I had never experienced before. I muttered about the girl Tanya who had extraordinary outer beauty but absolutely none within her and the lie we had told to get her off Edward's back. Angela hissed when I told her about Tanya's insults and suggestions about me but smiled widely when she heard how Edward has responded. And then lastly I told her how I had been overwhelmed with the need to kiss him so I had followed through with it only to hurt him by fleeing when we were disturbed.

"So you can see why he might be angry enough with me to not want to speak to me for over two weeks."

"He came back to New York because of work Bella, not because of you."

"That's what the others kept telling me Ang, so I kept assuring myself that I could make it up to him when we got back. Those few days were the longest days and although I enjoyed the time in Forks, it wasn't the same there without him. When we got back I didn't have the nerve to try and contact him, telling myself it was better that way but I couldn't do it. I needed to talk to him; to make sure that his silence didn't mean he hated me. But nothing. He wouldn't answer my calls. He wouldn't respond to the others. It was as if he had decided I didn't exist."

"It certainly looked like you existed for him tonight when he raced out of that restaurant to stop you from leaving. He was scared Bella, I saw it on his face."

It was hard to accept what she was saying after I had lived through his silences for the past weeks. "I guess so. I think I really hurt him by leaving and he suggested tonight that he's trying to give me space to work things out. But that's my problem; I don't have any idea what I am doing. I'm torn between just giving into this attraction between us or honoring what I had with Peter."

"Can't you do both?"

"It's not that easy." I could not look at Angela straight on as I admitted the following. "You see I was attracted to Edward before Peter died and Peter knew that. It's like if I give into it I would be fully betraying Peter after I promised Peter I wanted only him. It's like I am replacing him with something I wanted before he was even gone."

Angela quietly took in my admission but nothing on her face indicated how she felt about it. That was one of the things I appreciated about her; she really thought about what you were saying before she gave her advice and it was never judgmental.

"You didn't cheat on Peter, right? Wait. I already know the answer to that. There is no way. So you didn't do anything wrong."

"You don't think that it is wrong that three months after Peter dies I am thinking about how it felt to be kissing someone else?"

"I'm not sure what's right and wrong in this situation Bella. I do know you though and I know you should trust yourself and whatever you're feeling. You wouldn't be taking this attraction lightly."

"That's the problem. I don't want to send Edward mixed messages when I know my mind is so confused whenever he is near. It's like I know not to get close to him but when he is there I can't help myself"

"Well tell me this. How do you feel when he's around?"

I considered the question carefully and then the truth hit me in the face. "Like there's no one else in the world but him." I answered with the most honesty I had had for months.

"Wow that's heavy."

"Tell me about it."

Stepping out of the shower and getting into my most comfy pajamas calmed me somewhat after the serious girl talk between Angela and I earlier this evening. Speaking with Angela had made me feel so much better, although I was no closer to knowing what I would say to Edward when we next connected.

I was brushing my hair when a knock came at the door surprising me out of my thoughts of what I should be doing to sort things out properly. I glanced at the clock beside my bed and noted that it was a few minutes past eleven; too late for visitors. Maybe Alice and Jasper had forgotten their keys after their night out.

With a slight sense of hesitancy I made my way to the door and looked through the peephole to find out who my visitor was. The familiar face on the other side was not someone I expected at all. I quickly opened the door for an extremely tired looking Edward.

"Edward?" His name came out as a question and he looked a little embarrassed.

"I know it's late and I'm really sorry but I needed to make sure you were okay."

"I'm okay." I answered softly and watched, mesmerized, as he tugged at his hair like a little boy would.

He nodded his head. "Good…great… well I am sorry for disturbing you. Just wanted to make sure, after seeing you upset tonight. I'll be off then."

"Wait. You came here just for that?" I heard the incredulity in my own voice.

The fatigue in his voice was heartbreaking and I hated the thought that I had contributed to it. "I don't know why I came here really, Bella. I only know that tonight you were upset and that's something that I hate to see. I had a really strong need to see you; make sure…." His shoulders shrugged as if he had no idea what else to say so I reached for his hand and pulled him through the doorway.

"You haven't disturbed me and you need to come in."

He allowed me to lead him to the couch even though he was protesting that I had obviously been in bed so he shouldn't be here and that he needed to get back to work to get some sleep before his eight o'clock appointment in the morning. I ignored it all and made him sit.

"Edward, are you alright?"

"Hmmmmm?"

Edward was not looking at me but rather down at his lap. I hadn't let go of his hand and had, in actual fact, involuntarily placed my other hand up to join its counterpart so that I was lightly rubbing my fingers across the back of his hand. I jolted back from the touch; entirely embarrassed at the way he was able to elicit touch from me without me putting any thought into it at all. Edward sighed and rubbed his face like he was trying to wake himself up.

"You don't have to do that Bella. I like it when you touch me. It makes me feel…content."

His admission brought a deep blush to my cheeks and made me see that the lines between friendship and something more were becoming increasingly blurred. I kept my hands securely to myself and he noted it with a slight shake of his head,

"I know we need to talk Bella but I really haven't got the energy right now. Do you mind if we just sit for a while and I don't know…just be."

I couldn't ignore the appeal in his disclosure. He needed this and it was something I could give him easily.

"More than fine with me Edward. Do you want me to get you a hot drink or something?"

"Not coffee please. I've had enough of that over the past couple of weeks to last me a lifetime."

"Hot chocolate , it is then."

I was already on my way to the kitchen to try and compose myself yet again. If Edward was going to make it quite clear that he didn't mind me touching him or kissing him, my determination to keep things simple between us was not going to work. As always I was torn as to how to handle that.

Hot chocolate in hand I rejoined Edward on the couch. He startled a little as I sat down, telling me that he had almost been a sleep.

"Thanks." He offered as he took the mug from my hand and took an appreciative mouthful of it. "I haven't been able to relax in it seems forever."

Questions flitted through my head but I discarded most of them quickly knowing that Edward needed this time to simply unravel and rest. I chose one that I thought would be easiest for him to answer.

"How did the dinner go tonight?"

He set the mug down and brought one hand up to massage the back of his neck. His eyes were gradually closing but he answered me anyway.

"Yeah, good I think. They're going to give us their final answer in the morning but I think we've convinced them that it's in everybody's best interests if they sign the new contract I made up for them. Tomorrow will tell once and for all.

"That's good news then."

"Sure. It was a bit touch and go for the past few weeks. Let's hope that tomorrow is the end of it all and I can concentrate on other things."

Edward's speech was beginning to slur a bit and I watched as his body relaxed against the back of the couch. Within seconds he was asleep as evidenced by the deep breathing and the dangerous slant of his neck as it leaned towards me. If he stayed in that position he was going to be very sore when he woke up. I gently maneuvered his body so that he was lying down. His eyes fluttered open momentarily and then closed in weary acceptance of where he was at.

"Don't leave." He spoke almost incoherently but I understood the words all to well.

"I'm right here. I'm not going anywhere." I whispered back unsure if he could hear me in his present state. I adjusted myself back onto the sofa and laid his head in my lap. I thought he had woken when he tensed up a little but then he completely relaxed when I ran my fingers across his forehead and down his cheek before following the same trail over again. If doing this helped Edward feel better I would continue for as long as he needed.

I must have dozed off myself because I was awoken by the buzzing of my name into my ear. When I opened my eyes, I found Alice and Jasper looking at me curiously. I had one hand on Edward's hair and one slung across his upper back. He was still completely out of it.

"Shhh. Don't wake him. He needs to rest.

"I take it that he's speaking to you again?" Alice whispered back.

"Apparently so." I answered. "Jasper can you help me get him into my bed?"

A cheeky grin played over Jasper's face. "Why Miss Bella, I didn't realize that you were that kind of girl."

"Very funny, Jasper. He needs a proper sleep and he's not going to get that here. He's been sleeping in a cot at work for the past couple of weeks. He is absolutely exhausted and has an early start in the morning." I gritted my teeth when I saw that Jasper had something else to say. "Just help me with your brother Jasper."

Alice skipped ahead to turn the covers down while Jasper and I managed to get Edward up and walking between us without him fully waking. Once beside my bed we laid him down and I took off his shoes.

"Have you got any clothes that he can wear into work tomorrow?" Jasper had basically moved in with us after Peter's death, not being able to face staying at Peter's apartment when his best friend wasn't there anymore, so this request should easily be filled.

"I'll go get something." Alice hurried off and returned to put some clothes on his bedside table.

I pulled the covers up over Edward. He was a bit restless for a few seconds and then he was back in the relaxed zone of deep sleep. He looked so vulnerable that I was sure if the others had not been there I would have run my fingers across his face just to prove to myself that he was real and okay. I indicated to Alice and Jasper that we should leave the room and closed the door behind them.

"I'll sleep on the couch tonight Bella. You can sleep with your sister." Jasper offered as soon as we were out.

"Not going to happen Jazz. You're as tall as your brother and I didn't put him into the bed to turn around and make you uncomfortable in his place. The couch is more than comfortable for me."

"He's not going to be happy when he wakes up to find he has commandeered your bed Bella. It goes completely against his nature and what Esme taught us."

"That's his hard luck, isn't it? He needs a good night's rest and I'm making sure he gets it. I'll deal with it in the morning. I'm off to sleep now so thanks for your help and we'll chat in the morning." That last sentence was directed at Alice who was biting at the bit to ask questions but was holding it back while her boyfriend and I discussed bed arrangements.

"Hey, not fair." I heard her mumble as I turned to make my way back into the lounge room. I chuckled a little to myself. She thought I was keeping things from her, when in reality I really had no idea what was going on between Edward and I.

Tomorrow I might get some answers and I hoped they were ones I could live with.

"I missed you." Edward suddenly lifted his head and looked right at me with a determined expression. I couldn't look away from the intensity of those eyes of his; the ones that haunted my sleep and made me think of bottomless oceans or glittering emeralds all rolled into one.

"I know you don't want to hear that Bella but if we're going to move forward one way or another, I need to be honest with you and the truth is…I missed you."

I was dumb struck, unable to string any words together as I watched his earnest expression whilst he gazed back. Up until this moment we had avoided any serious discussions about where we were at. I had woken him early so that he had time for a shower and a decent meal before he headed back to his offices. We'd had the mandatory 'you should have left me on the couch rather than taking over your bed' talk and he had complimented me on my culinary skills in the kitchen when we sat down to eat a surprisingly comfortable breakfast together. So his sudden detour into murky waters had not been expected in quite this manner and I wondered briefly if I should ignore his words and find an excuse to get up and away from him. The entreaty in his eyes made me keep my seat.

"I…I missed you to." Were those words mine? I hadn't meant to say them.

Edward smiled at me but it wasn't a triumphant or confident one.

"Thank you. I know that was hard for you to admit."

I nodded but had nothing more to add so he continued the conversation.

"I'm sorry for avoiding you the past couple of weeks, Bella. It was immature and inconsiderate of me. All I can say in my defense is that I thought I was making things way too hard for you by hanging around. I tried to convince myself that if you didn't have to deal with me then you'd be a lot happier."

"You don't make me unhappy Edward," I twisted my hands together in worry and Edward looked down at them with sadness. For a moment I thought he was going to reach out for them but he kept his hands to himself which I was happy for. This conversation was going to be hard enough without him actually touching me too. "In fact, it's quite the opposite. You've been an amazing friend to me and I don't want to lose that. It's the attraction that tears me apart. It's so…" I couldn't bring myself to continue. I was opening myself up and laying everything bare now and it wasn't apparent if that would do more damage or not.

"Strong? Like you can't control it? I know exactly what you mean."

My head was starting to pound. We were both acknowledging things that quite possibly should be left unsaid.

"I feel myself let down the walls with you and that's when the guilt settles in; the sense of betrayal for Peter. I can't tell you how much he does not deserve that. He never once did anything to warrant my disrespect."

"Being happy is not disrespecting Peter, Bella."

I could no longer take the intensity of sitting across from him and baring my soul. I got up and retrieved the plates to take to the sink. He sat still, knowing that this was my way of getting my head together.

"You don't think being attracted to someone else when I was about to marry him was showing a huge lack of respect? You don't think that Peter knowing about that attraction before he died was disrespectful? I promised him I was not going to follow through on that attraction Edward and mere months after he's gone I am kissing you instead of mourning him. Do you seriously want to tell me that I am showing him the respect he deserves?"

Tears were streaming down my cheeks now and I was angrily wiping at them. Edward was by my side so swiftly that I hadn't even registered that he was out of his seat. He pulled me into the safety of his arms and although I fought at first it was too easy to just melt against him.

"It's alright Bella. Shhhh. It's okay." He held me until I wasn't shaking against him anymore and then he gently wiped the tears from under my eyes with the pad of his thumbs.

"I think the respect the two of you had for one another was beyond admirable. The fact that you were comfortable enough with one another to share how you were feeling, even when it was a hard thing to do is something everyone should aspire to. Honesty, Bella. It is the greatest form of respect and you gave that to Peter and he willingly accepted it. You've got nothing to be ashamed of. You did nothing wrong."

I wanted to believe that what he was saying was true. I had been honest with Peter and I had also fought tooth and nail against how I felt about Edward. I hadn't asked for any of this to happen. It had come, regardless of how I wanted it to turn out and now I had to make some kind of decision about how it would continue to play out. I had been so caught up in my guilt that I had disregarded the one person who had stood by me this whole time, never once putting any pressure on me even though it was apparent that he cared for me; Edward. Didn't he deserve the same consideration I had been giving Peter?

"Thank you, Edward for being so patient with me and for trying to make me feel better about all of this. I know it's hard for you too. I hope you realize how much I appreciate you being around. This isn't about you, it's about me."

Edward's smile was heartfelt and the usual stirrings it evoked came forth. "You're easy to be patient with Bella because quite frankly I have some of the same concerns as you do and I fully understand where you're coming from. I can't deny though, that if circumstances were different I would have asked you out by now."

His last words were said with a slight teasing tone and it made me grin at him, even though they also made my heart flutter in anticipation. "And if circumstances were different I probably would have said yes."

I enjoyed the look of surprise that swept across Edward's face with my admission and the deep chuckle that followed it was something I could listen to all day if it was possible. There was something about being capable of bringing him any kind of joy that I really found gratifying. The two of us took in each others smiles as we faced one another in my kitchen and I knew we had managed to somehow understand a bit better what was going on and that had to be good thing. Then Edward's expression changed and with slight trepidation I watched as Edward's smile faded into a more serious look.

"This isn't a game to me Bella. You lost someone you loved, I get that. This attraction between us is very poorly timed. I get that too. I have no intention of ever putting pressure on you but I am asking you to not hate yourself every time you take a step closer to me. I can't stand being the one who puts that haunted look in your eye. I care enough about you to give you whatever it is you need from me but please…please don't let yourself believe that you have something to be guilty about. You don't."

My eyes never left his as I promised I would try and he nodded to show that he could accept that for now. The air between us became heavier as he moved his hand to slowly tuck a piece of stray hair behind my ear. His touch elicited a slight hitch in my breathing and Edward's eyes darkened as his gaze caressed my lips with longing.

"You truly are beautiful Bella." Edward spoke with such awe and devotion that my mind went numb trying to contemplate that he was not just a figment of my imagination. I opened my mouth to speak; to offer him some sort of thank you for his compliment but nothing would come out. He was trailing his fingertips along the contours of my face and every place he touched was sending fire into my nerves. I could do nothing but let him dazzle me. There was not a single thing I could do about it when he was looking at me with such admiration.

"I know I said I wouldn't pressure you and I won't but Bella I'm not sure I can stay away from you anymore." Those fingers were now brushing across my lips and that combined with his declaration had me swooning in a manner never previously encountered by me. "You only have to say the word and I will give you space; I will leave you alone but….you are going to have to be the one to say it….you need to tell me to stop."

As he spoke he leaned in towards me and I could detect the intoxicating scent of Edward that I had become accustomed to. Everything about him had captured my senses and there was no possible way I could tell him to stop.

"I….I can't tell you that." My whisperings were almost entirely against his lips now; he was so close.

There was nothing more than a breath of hesitation as he gently skimmed his lips across mine. I allowed myself to savor the feel of his lips as they fit mine so perfectly. As his hands came up to frame my face, and he deepened the kiss so that it became more slow and seductive, my head began spinning and I felt as if I would never breath properly again.

_How could one person have this impact on another? _

_How was it possible to lose yourself so entirely to the senses when that person touched you?_

_How had I never felt this way before?_

_And what was that noise?_

"Um…..sorry….I didn't….I'll come back later," Jasper's combined amusement and embarrassment came across loud and clear and I groaned inwardly that we had been interrupted yet again whilst kissing. I wasn't ready to let go of Edward yet but the moment had been ruined and Edward tensed as he slowly released his grip on my face and his countenance showed that he thought I was going to do what I had done last time; run. He glared at Jasper's back as it retreated from the room and then he looked at me with fear in his eyes.

"I'm sorry, Bella. I shouldn't have. I wasn't …"

Two of my fingers placed against his lips silenced whatever he was going to say and I shook my head at him so that he knew I didn't want his apology.

"A kiss for a kiss, Edward." A relieved smirk played around the edges of his mouth as he took in what I meant. "Now we are even."

I removed my fingers so that he could speak and when he did it was with all the gentleness and patience he always showed me. "Are you alright?"

"Aha. Can we just take this slowly though? I can't guarantee that I am not going to lose it every now and again and go all emo on you but I am willing to try if you are?"

A slow grin spread across his face and his eyes lit up so that they actually looked like they were sparkling. His sudden elation was hard to ignore. I had made him happy and that in return made me feel exhilarated.

"Anything you want Bella. I can do slow. If that's what you need, I can do it. Just….thank you for trusting me enough."

"Oh I trust you Edward. You've made it hard not to."

"Even though I accosted you in your kitchen after I had just told you I wouldn't put any pressure on you?" He teased.

"Even after that." I answered as I started pushing him towards the door. "I do believe that you have a job to get to now though so be off with you."

He put his hands up in the air in mock resignation. "I'm going. I'm going." His smile never faltered as he grabbed the tie hanging over the back of the chair and swung it around his neck in readiness for tying it later. I walked him to the door, telling him I hoped that his business went the way he wanted today.

"I have a really good feeling about today Bella. It's already started off in the best way possible and I think nothing can go wrong for me right now."

I blushed and he chuckled.

"It might be a few days until I see you again though." Edward reminded and that took a little bit of shine off the happiness I was feeling. I didn't let him see it.

"That's fine. I know you will be busy and that you aren't just avoiding me."

Self condemnation passed over his face. "I am sorry about that Bella. It won't happen again."

"There's no need to apologise again Edward. We both reacted to a hard situation. We didn't even go into what I did."

He nodded but I needed to do something to put the smile back on his face. He was moving away from me now and I needed to see it before he left completely.

"And Edward."

"Aha."

"Just so you know. I don't regret the kisses….neither of them. They were…perfect."

Edward was back in front of me within two strides and I was struck speechless as I registered how close he was again. He brushed his nose lightly against my cheek and I felt like I was going to hyperventilate with his proximity.

"Perfect doesn't even begin to describe kissing you Bella." He whispered into my ear and his breath reignited all my nerve endings to a point that was almost painful. "Let me know when you want to try it again."

My breathing became ragged as I imagined him kissing me without the interruptions or without the hesitancy. My reactions to him were so instinctual that it was frightening.

"I thought…..I thought we were going to go slow." My hand was almost up to bring him nearer to me but he stepped back after placing a chaste kiss on my cheek and I was left wanting.

"That we are," Edward reluctantly moved further away from me and then smiled widely. "But you can't blame a guy for trying. Have a great day Bella Swan."

I shook my head to relieve myself of the daze I was in. "You too Edward Cullen."

And then I was left alone to consider what I had just agreed to; what it seemed so natural to want and need.

I couldn't bring myself to believe I had done the wrong thing because….

I wanted more of Edward Cullen. There were no ifs or buts about it.

It was something I just had to accept, no matter how hard it was.


	17. Chapter 17:Getting Closer

Chapter 17

EPOV – Getting Closer

No pressure, I had said.

And then I had kissed her.

We can go slow, I had promised.

And then I had almost kissed her again.

I was going to have to show more restraint.

She was under my skin. She was in every one of my thoughts. She owned every feeling I had.

It was near impossible to repress my emotions when she was around.

But I would, because that is what she wanted….what she needed …and I desperately wanted to show her that something good could come out of giving me this chance.

A streak of unbridled elation coursed through me. Bella Swan was allowing me in. She had acknowledged that there was something between us and she wasn't going to run from me anymore. I knew what she felt for me was nothing in comparison to how I felt for her. She was attracted to me; there was no shadow of a doubt about that but the blinding, all encompassing love that I had for her; that was not something she would be experiencing and I would not frighten her by telling her how it really was for me. She knew I cared. She knew that my body wanted her but beyond that I would keep my feelings to myself and hope that eventually she would begin to feel the same way. The prospect made my grin grow even wider.

"Wow, someone got up on the right side of the bed for once." My musings had led to me completely missing that I was no longer alone in my office. "What has you looking so cheerful this morning young Eddie? Last night you left me all brooding and testy; this morning you appear to have done a complete turn around. Care to share?"

"Good morning Jane. Nothing to share; just feeling like today is going to be a good day." I winked at her and her lips quirked into a smile of amusement. "For the first time in ages I feel kind of hopeful that everything will go the right way."

"Hmmmm. Looks like we are going to get a break from the moody Edward who, I have to admit is great at his job but has not always been fun to be around lately. Nice one. Looking forward to a better few weeks ahead of us."

"Oh come on. I haven't been that bad."

"Worse actually," Jane answered and I thought guiltily of how out of whack I had been over the past couple of weeks of trying to ignore my feelings for Bella. "We've got the old Edward back so I can forgive you." Her broad smile told me that I was truly forgiven and I stood up to give her a quick hug.

"So are we ready to put this baby to bed," Jane questioned as we headed out of my office door and towards the conference room where Marcus and Aro would be meeting us to finalise our contracts.

"Like I said, I have a good feeling about today, Jane."

"Perfect." Jane straightened her shirt and jacket to ensure she was looking as business like as possible before she turned to me with a cheeky look. "And Edward, I hope this means that you will be going home now. No more late nights of working and sleeping in that crazy cot. You might be good looking but that doesn't hide the fact that up until last night you looked like crap. You need some good food, good sleep and some good times. That's all I have to say on the subject."

"Yes master," I whispered so our waiting guests could not hear us from inside the room they were waiting in.

"He finally gets it," Jane whispered back and I contained my laughter as work matters took over and the two of us put on put professional faces and greeted the waiting men.

Things were definitely looking up and that meeting only reinforced my good mood. Aro and Marcus had agreed to all of our requests and were on board as permanent fixtures in our business world. We didn't have time to celebrate though because the contracts resulted in a huge amount of work to be done to meet their expectations. I knew that the following few days would be hectic but I also knew that Bella would be there at the end of it. She had confirmed that when I rang to give her my good news. We had spoken for only a few minutes but it was enough to tell me that Bella had not had second thoughts after our discussion this morning. I breathed a sigh of relief and realized that I had subconsciously believed that once I was away from her she would change her mind about giving us a go.

Over the next few days I did not get to see Bella due to my work and also the fact that she had taken on extra shifts at the book shop she had been working at during University. This was because she was having no luck getting a position as a writer which was her ultimate goal. During a phone call she told me that she needed the extra work because she was running out of money and couldn't keep holding out for her dream job. This bit of information had surprised me considering how well off Peter had been and how I knew for a fact that Peter had left all his possessions and wealth to Bella in his will. When I had finally succumbed to my curiosity and asked Jasper about it he had told me about Bella refusing to use any of Peter's money as she didn't believe that it should have been left to her. It had caused quite a bit of argument between Bella and Peter's parents as they tried to convince her that it was what Peter wanted and that she could live off that for as long as she needed to. She had remained adamant in her refusal.

"She told them that loving Peter was not about his money and if she couldn't have him she didn't want the money either."

Just another layer in the multi faceted personality of Bella, and one that had led to even more respect from me.

So for nearly a week all of Bella and my interactions were via phone calls. There were no more late night visits on my part even though I longed to see her and feel her presence. In taking it slow I knew that this space for Bella was important. I enjoyed our friendly and somewhat teasing conversations on the phone when either of us could grab a moment in our busy lives but nothing could compare to the knowledge that tonight I would be seeing her in the flesh. It wasn't a date by any means; she was definitely not ready for that move but we would be meeting up with the rest of the group and having a night out together and it would be the first time that we would all be together since Forks so I was expecting a fun time.

Since I was back living with Emmett and Rosalie the three of us shared a cab to get to the restaurant where we were meeting Bella, Alice, Jasper, Ben and Angela. I nervously kept my conversation to a minimum as we drove and Emmett and Rosalie left me to my own thoughts. I wanted tonight to be comfortable for Bella. I wanted her to see I could do this thing she had asked of me and take things slowly whilst at the same time ensuring she knew that I was completely committed to keeping our friendship intact. My nervousness was driving me mad.

Once at the restaurant the waitress let us know that our group at already arrived and I looked past her to see Alice, Angela and Bella with their heads close together laughing at some joke between them. Jasper and Ben were casually talking, apparently ignoring whatever it was that had the girls so amused. I took the time to study Bella and her beauty that never failed to do silly things to my gut. The blush that had spread across her face because of her happiness made her look even more appealing as she threw back her head and laughed again. She was happy. I grinned at the thought.

She chose that moment to look towards where I was standing alone since Emmett and Rosalie were already walking towards our friends and I had been too busy admiring Bella to actually start moving. Her face lit up and a huge smile graced her lips. The fact that I had been the one to bring about that expression gave me the confidence to move to our table and greet her with as little nervousness as I could muster. She was standing as I got there, having just kissed Emmett and Rosalie in greeting and when she reached up to give me a brief kiss on my cheek and whispered that she was glad to see me, I almost lost my balance with the unexpectedness of the feelings that cascaded over me. Luckily I still had to say my hellos to everyone else before I composed myself and sat by Bella's side at the table.

The whole night entailed light hearted talking and lots of laughter. Not once did Bella and I actually touch one another but I could feel the warmth of her body and sense the happiness and familiarity that was radiating from her which I found more than enough for now. Whenever she addressed me I could see the thankfulness in her eyes that we had got over our awkwardness and that we were now acting as good friends. She was completely relaxed and that was something I was eternally grateful for. I would not be the one to instigate anything more with her because right now, in this very moment Bella was the happiest I had seen her and a false move by me could bring that tumbling down.

That was not something I would readily do.

The end of the night came too swiftly and I soon found myself saying goodnight to my brother and our friends. I left Bella until last and as I drew her in for a quick hug and a chaste kiss she smiled beatifically.

"Thank you Edward." She spoke in a low tone so that the others could not hear her. "You are way too perfect for me you know."

Alice called her before I could respond and she was moving away from me and into a cab. She gave me a slight wave and I raised my hand in my own salutation.

_Too perfect for her? _

_I very much doubted that._

The closeness between Bella and I continued to steadily grow as the weeks passed by. I was no longer in the constant state of work bombardment that I had been in and things were slowing down the closer we got to Christmas. We spent more time together doing regular things with our friends but never alone. Again I accepted this because we were doing it Bella's way and I had already worked out that the way we were pressing ahead was healthy, even if it was frustrating not to just rush in and worship her as a girlfriend, the way I wanted.

Dinners, movies, club jumping and nights in resulted in Bella and I getting to know each other more thoroughly. Occasionally we would touch; innocent kisses hello and goodbye, a hand on her back to guide her through a crowd, a quick squeeze to the arm when something seemed to be worrying either of us but no repeat of the passionate kisses that we had experienced at Forks or at her apartment on the day we had decided to give things a go. Even through all of this it was very apparent that there was something special developing between us and the others were beginning to question our reluctance to push forward more quickly. Thankfully that was a question they brought to me only because I didn't want Bella to be given any reason to retract her fledgling attempts from me. I gave them the same answer every time. Bella and I were friends and whatever happened in the future would happen without their pushy ways.

I inwardly prayed that I was right.

A few things occurred that made me realize that Bella was very much moving ahead with me. They were small steps but they were steps regardless and each new movement made me consider that we might have a future that I had not really dared think about, except as an improbable dream. The first happened in Bella's apartment and also corresponded with the first alone time we had in weeks.

"Are you two seriously going to tell me you find this funny?" Alice complained as we all sat in the apartment lounge room and watched the movie that Bella and I had chosen for viewing this evening. Bella and I looked at one another and grinned.

"Hell yes," we spoke in unison and then ended up laughing at the inevitable look of disgust Alice was giving us.

"Jazz. Please don't tell me that you have the same stupid humor as these two delinquents do and you're going to force me to sit through this entire movie." Alice and Jasper were cuddled up on the sofa whilst Bella sat in the other lounge chair with me at her feet. My head was resting on Bella's knee where her legs were folded up under herself. She was distractedly playing with my hair and I found myself concentrating on the feel of that more than the actual movie itself. It wasn't often that she reached out to me but tonight seemed different and I wasn't going to deny that I was enjoying it.

"Monty Python is a classic Alice. Maybe when you've watched a bit more of it you will understand the humor a bit more." Jasper tried to be diplomatic but Alice was having nothing of it. Bella shhhd her sister who gave her a daggered glare, in return.

"Oh come on Alice. We've only been watching it for ten minutes. You can't give up on it already." Bella appealed to her sister and I watched in amusement as Alice huffed and stood herself up.

"I believe I can." Alice stated with conviction and then pouted at Jasper. "Are you coming? I think we will have a better time in my room than sitting here with these two laughing at ridiculous men saying ridiculous things."

My brother was torn. He had been ecstatic when we had gone to the video shop and Bella had agreed that The Life of Brien would be a good movie for the four of us to watch together. He had been thinking that we would have to watch another romantic comedy which was what Alice usually chose and the fact that Bella had not gone the same way as her sister made him high five me and whisper conspiratorially that he had just fallen a little bit more in love with Bella. I punched him lightly in the arm and told him to back away from the girl I was one day hoping to be mine and he merely guffawed at me and sped to the counter to make sure Bella did not change her mind. Now Alice was making him choose between her and the movie and he sighed heavily as he stood up and followed Alice into her room. Of course she won; Jasper could never say no to her.

"She has absolutely no respect for good comedic value," Bella exclaimed as they shut the door behind them leaving us alone. Without their presence it was all the more evident that the attraction between Bella and I was throbbing as an undertone. I kept my eyes trained on the television screen and laughed at all the right places even as I became more and more aware of Bella sitting behind me running her fingers naturally through my hair.

"Edward."

"Mmmmmm," I answered as I moved my head so that I could see what Bella wanted me for. My cheek grazed her knee as I looked up at her and she gasped at the slight touch which I fully understood. The skin to skin contact was beyond appealing.

"Are you comfortable down there on the floor?" Bella blushed with the question and my thoughts became an incoherent mess as I wondered if she wanted me to be closer. "It's just that….maybe we could sit together on the other lounge and you would be more comfortable.

I inwardly laughed at the prospect of being more comfortable when she was even closer but I simply stood up and held out my hand so that I could pull her up and we could move to sit together on the chair that Alice and Jasper had vacated. When I let go of her hand I missed the connection but it was for only a few seconds because she shocked me by curling into my side and resting her head on my shoulder. Momentarily stunned I didn't move at all and then I quickly followed her lead by placing my arm around her shoulders so she could snuggle into me more securely. The position we were in felt so incredibly right that it was hard to imagine that we ever sat together in any other way.

"This is much better," Bella breathed and I could hardly disagree with her. I might not have been able to concentrate on any more of the movie with any great depth and nothing more happened between us that night but the fact that she was willing to be that close to me spoke volumes. We were definitely making progress.

A few days later Rosalie and Emmett invited the group of us over for a pretend picnic lunch around the fireplace in their apartment since the weather was so cold. We were relaxing on picnic blankets around the half eaten food when Emmett cleared his throat to let us know he wanted to speak. We all stopped eating and speaking with a little bit of confusion as Rosalie went to stand next to Emmett with a goofy smile on her lips. Emmett leant down to whisper in her ear and then she nodded her head before speaking. I took a quick glance at Bella but her face was clear of any of the confusion that the rest of us were displaying.

"What Emmet wanted to talk to you about is…"

"I asked Rosalie to marry me," Emmett interrupted

"And I said yes."

Alice's squeals could have been heard throughout the entire apartment block, they were so loud.

"Oh my god. That is so unbelievably fantastic," She was up off the ground to throw herself at Rosalie for a huge hug before pulling Emmett into the fold for one too. She was jumping around like an overwrought rabbit. I would have been highly amused by her antics but only one thing came into my head …Bella. I turned to search her face for any kind of distress on hearing this news but all I got was a wide smile and an excited rush of words.

"Isn't this the best news Edward?" There was nothing distraught about Bella; she was positively glowing.

"It is great news," I answered and got a hold of myself to congratulate my best friend and his fiance on their good fortune. Before I knew it the six of us were in a tight circle laughing and clapping each other on the back. When the congratulations were completed and Emmett had asked Jasper and I to be his best men and Rosalie had confirmed that Bella and Alice would be her bridesmaids we all sat back down to enjoy the rest of the afternoon. Obviously there was much talk of wedding details and the like but I was distracted by watching Bella as she enthusiastically participated in the discussion. This was not what I had expected when I initially heard the news. I had been ready to go into protective mode to ensure she was not hurt by the happiness of her sister and Emmett but I hadn't needed to worry about that at all.

Alice eventually ran out of questions about the wedding and everyone relaxed into a general mood of good will. When Emmett suggested a walk to go and get dessert from a nearby shop Rosalie, Alice and Jasper agreed whilst Bella and I declined. This was my opportunity to really ensure Bella was okay.

Bella lied down next to me and took my hand into her own, very much in the same manner as we had back in my meadow. I caught a glimpse of her face and a small smile was there as she took in the warmth of the fire. She was beyond beautiful with the fire's light flickering across her face and I hardly wanted to ask the question in case I ruined the mood.

"Bella, are you alright with all of this? I know it must be hard with Peter and everything."

Clear eyes met mine and Bella squeezed my hand in thanks. "I promise that I am fine Edward. You needn't worry. Emmett and Rosalie spoke to me about this yesterday to make sure it was something I could handle. There is no possible way I could be upset by the happiness of my sister and Emmett. They mean too much to me and they deserve this. It is the way it should be because those two are meant to be together."

A wisp of hair was sitting across her face so I gently pushed it back and then grazed her cheek with my knuckles. Her eyes closed with the feel of it.

"Are you sure love? I wouldn't think any less of you if this made you feel upset in any way."

I watched completely enthralled as Bella turned on her side so that we were directly facing one another. The pupils in her eyes dilated with some hidden emotion and then she took a hold of my hand so that she could press her lips against the same knuckles I had just caressed her face with.

"I am not upset Edward. It saddens me a little to know that Peter will miss out on another important part of his friend's lives but I have come to accept that he is gone and I can't allow people to miss out on their happiness because of a misguided belief that I am going to fall apart at every twist and turn of our lives. My sister, who I love with every little bit of me is going to get married to the man of her dreams; there is nothing upsetting in that."

"You're incredible Bella. You know that right?"

"Really? Because I love my sister and my friends?" Bella's brow furrowed and I used my fingers to smooth them back into their usual flawlessness.

"No because you think of everybody else's happiness before you worry about yourself and because you constantly show me how strong you are."

Bella's inevitable blush rose in her face and I touched that with a feather light caress too. I couldn't help myself.

"And because when you blush like that you look adorably cute."

A devilish grin came to Bella's face and she looked at me with a challenge in her eyes.

"Well if that's the case, then why aren't you kissing me right now?"

My breath caught in my throat and I was almost entirely sure that my mouth was open in surprise.

"I…..I'm not sure…..is that what you…."

Bella's eyes flicked down to my mouth and back up to squarely meet mine. "I'm asking you to, Edward." She whispered with reverence.

I tried to gain control of my thumping heart and my unruly emotions but to no avail. She was only asking me to do what I always wanted; there was no good reason for my nervousness.

Cupping Bella's face softly and feeling an increase in pressure as she leant into my hand and sighed made me understand how much I valued these moments with her; the rarity of them made these occasions even more special. I carefully pulled her face down closer to mine and she leant in slowly even though eagerness was written all over her face. I thought about how she would taste and how soft her lips would be as her mouth descended towards mine and then I didn't need to think anymore because she was there and I had claimed her lips and every thought just lost itself to feeling. Our lips moved together in gentle caresses and both of us lost all inhibitions as we endeavored to tell each other through our kisses what we weren't willing to say out loud. It was intense and it was full of promise and it almost killed me to pull away from her gently when I recognized that the intimate position we were in was not conducive to us keeping our 'go slow' mantra in place. The disappointment in Bella's eyes was nearly enough for me to ignore my conscience and just say to hell with it so that I could kiss her over and over again but I held strong and simply caressed her jaw line with my fingers so that there was at least some touch between us.

"You know that I had to stop, right?"

Bella's breathing was labored and her eyes were half closed in concentration. She nodded minutely and I guided her to look me in the eye so that she would fully comprehend my next words.

"And you have to know that I never want to."

She nodded again and then maneuvered herself so that she could bury her head into my chest and I could hold her in my arms. I dropped my head so that I could kiss the top of hers and left my face there so I could inhale the scent of her as we both regulated our breathing and took control of our emotions. This was a different type of intimacy but one we both needed. Bella finally broke the silence but it was still with a quivering voice.

"We would have been interrupted anyway," She deadpanned as her head rose and fell with my breathing and I smirked against her hair. She was probably right. It wouldn't be long before the others returned and that would have had us need to do some quick explaining. Bella wasn't ready for that kind of attention and it was no one else's business anyway. I stood up because the position we were in right now would raise eyebrows as well and Bella followed my lead. We began to clean up the picnic leftovers in silence and every now and again Bella would look at me to smile. When the last of the plates were on the sink she turned to me and brought her hands up to rest on my shoulders.

"You're beautiful Edward Cullen." She stated as she pressed a light kiss onto my jaw. She was testing my restraint and I closed my eyes against it.

"Shouldn't I be saying that to you Miss Swan," I countered trying to stop my hands from coming up to pull her towards me again.

"Nope. Not this time. This time it is all about you." She began to trail small kisses up towards my ear; a very dangerous thing to do when I was doing everything possible to keep myself contained and controlled. I think I might have slightly moaned but then all my attention was on the closing of the front door and Bella's whispered words brought me back to the present. "And there is the interruption, right on cue."

She stepped back and giggled at the disconcerted expression on my face. "We're in here guys." Her voice rose so that it could be heard in the main area of the apartment where the others would be shrugging out of their coats and jumpers.

"You're a tease," I growled at her in a low voice and she could only beam at me before we were suddenly joined by the others and our few moments of intimacy and affection had to dissipate and the rest of the afternoon passed into normalcy again.

Didn't stop me from thinking we had taken another huge step. Didn't stop me from having that little extra hope.

And then finally Christmas was upon us. A hard time of the year for Bella I had no doubt. She hid it well but I knew as we made our way to the Christmas party that one of the family friends of the Swans and the Woods was holding that a small part of her was not with me at all. It worried me that after tomorrow I would not be in New York to share her concerns with as I would be spending Christmas with my family in Forks and she would be staying here to celebrate with her own family and Peter's parents. Tonight she was nervous and jitterish and there was nothing I could do to calm her unless I was physically touching her and she had already made it quite clear that that couldn't happen in the company we had tonight.

As Jasper, Alice, Bella and I entered the brightly decorated home and we could see the many guests mingling happily, Bella took a step closer to me and automatically reached for my hand. I squeezed it gently and she suddenly pulled it away as if she had realized she just broken her own rule. The look of sorrow on her face was nearly my undoing. I knew I had the capacity to make her feel better but I would have to stand back and let her do this her way.

"I'm not sure I can do this," She whispered in a broken voice and then made her voice even quieter. "I need you."

Her words sent my heart thumping. Her admission showed that our closeness was becoming even more encompassing and the fact that she was willing to verbalize that made me heady even though I was worried about her for tonight.

"Bella. You can do this. I will be right here. Everything is fine. I've got your back sweetheart."

One moment of glances clashing and she was turning away from me but not before I heard her words.

"You really do, don't you?" Her eyes flicked up at me.

"Always," I nodded in support.

As she walked away to greet friends and family I saw her sigh deeply and square her shoulders as if readying herself for battle. She hated attention at the best of times but tonight would be so much worse for her because some of these people she had not seen since Peter's funeral. She was aware that she would not be able to sidestep the questions and the well meaning comments. She knew she could not pretend to be part of the wall paper and just have a good time without someone seeking out her company and get her take on how things were going in her life. She would not be able to purely relax and enjoy the evening's festivities. She was on show and she knew it.

And Bella Swan hated being on show.

Yes this night was going to be a long one for my girl and there was very little I could do to soften the blow for her.

Nothing inconspicuous anyway


	18. Chapter 18: The Good and the Bad

Chapter 18

BPOV – The Good and the Bad

Things had been good with Edward – really, really good. He had let whatever it was between us blossom naturally, he was always there with the right words or a supportive touch and on the few occasions when I was brave enough to get closer to him he was there with open arms. The passionate kisses were hard to contain then but we always managed it and they never failed in leaving me wanting more. I was the only one in the way of that want.

Tonight, though, I was a bundle of nerves and there were so many reasons for it. At the top of my list was that this was going to be my first Christmas party without Peter and that drove home hard that this Christmas was going to contain a huge hole where once his presence was. I had agreed to attend knowing that this was important for Rick and Grace who would also be experiencing their own negative feelings at a usually happy time of the year. I needed to support them in any way I could and if coming to this party and being uncomfortable for a few hours was what I had to do, then I would do it without a second thought. That didn't stop me from being certain that I would hate every moment of it because I knew I was going to have many people want my attention; to see how I was going or to reminisce about the past and Peter's role in my life. I did not want that. Not that I wanted to forget about Peter; far from it but I wanted to hold those precious memories close to myself and only share them with the people who really counted such as his family and mine, along with our close friends. Talking about him with near strangers who thought they had a right because they were connected in some distant way would only tear open old wounds that I was still struggling to overcome so that my life could go ahead.

And then there was Edward; beautiful, caring, incredibly sexy and patient Edward who had somehow managed to become such an integral part of who I was and who I relied on like no one before him. Tonight seemed like a step backwards from all the progress we had made together. I would not be able to reach out for him when I needed affirmation, I could not hold his hand or have his arm around my waist to show others that there could possibly be more between us than just friendship, I would not have his instant crooked smile when we saw something that tickled both of our senses of humor and I most definitely would not be able to kiss him the way my brain was constantly begging me to.

This situation was completely going against the natural order of things and it made me feel empty inside.

"I'm not sure I can do this," I had tried to hold Edward's hand before recognizing it wasn't such a good idea in this forum. That made me angry. "I need you." I added just in case he didn't realize what I meant.

His voice was low timbered and calming. "Bella. You can do this. I will be right here. Everything is fine. I've got your back sweetheart."

The term of endearment rolled off his tongue so easily and it made my heart flutter hearing it. He had absolutely no idea what it did to me when he spoke like that; when he let me know that he would be there for me. When he demonstrated that protective urge he had towards me.

"You really do, don't you?" He needn't have answered with his 'always' because I already knew the truth of it. He would always back me up, no matter the consequences for himself.

I quickly turned away from him before I showed my gratitude in a manner that would be wholly inappropriate here and searched for Rosalie and maybe my parents. Edward stayed behind to give me room to do this the way I had requested; on my own. He wouldn't take long before he was interacting with the crowd himself as he was smooth and confident when it came to talking to others and I knew Jasper was with him anyway.

"Slow down Bella," Alice exclaimed as she fell into step with me. "Edward may not be able to hold your hand but I can."

"I don't know what you're talking about," I didn't even look at her in fear that she would see how much not having him next to me was affecting my outlook.

"Oh come on. You are understandably scared about what tonight has in store for you and it would be much easier if you had Edward on your arm but of course you won't do that because that would be like admitting to the world that Edward is someone special to you and we all know that you can't even really admit that to yourself yet so….."

"Are you actually intending to stop for breath," I questioned in exasperation.

She continued as if I hadn't interrupted at all.

"So I am merely stating that I am here for you and if you need my help just wave."

A small amount of tension left my body as I listened to her words. "Thanks sis. I appreciate it. Right now I am looking for mum and dad."

"This way then," Alice proclaimed as she pulled at my arm to guide me towards the large Christmas tree that had pride of place at the back of the room. Next to it stood our parents along with Rick and Grace. A bittersweet array of memories bombarded me as I thought of the number of times, over the years, that I had seen exactly the same formation between my parents and Peter's. The only thing missing was Peter at my side as I approached to give my greeting.

Sadness pervaded Grace's features as she tried to hide behind a bright hello and a welcoming kiss to my cheek and then Alice's. Rick offered his own embraces and the blankness in his face was frightening. Losing their only son had hit them hard and I wished there was some way I could ease their pain.

"Your parents were just telling us about Rosalie and Emmett's wonderful news. We are so happy for them, aren't we Rick?" Grace smiled at all of us and I knew her sentiments were honest even though she was probably thinking about it being another aspect of life that Peter would be missing. I squeezed her hand and offered my own smile to show her I knew how she was feeling.

"It couldn't have happened to two people who deserve it more." Rick agreed and although it was very apparent that his words were sincere, he was struggling with the discussion. "Bella and Alice would you care for a drink? I am more than happy to get you one."

Alice and I stated our thanks and Rick moved off to collect them. Grace sighed and then apologized. I wished she knew she didn't need to.

"He is finding it really difficult, you know. There is so much going on and he just misses Peter so much. It will eventually get better."

Renee put her arm around Grace's shoulders and gave her a quick hug. "We all miss him Grace. He is in every one of our thoughts."

I could feel the tears pricking at the back of my eyes and I stared up to the roof in the hope that I could contain them. It worked and then I looked back at our little group and gave them the biggest smile I could muster.

"Do you know what? It is Christmas and Peter loved Christmas. He would have wanted us all to be having a good time, not concentrating on the fact that he's not with us. He would be saying 'drink and be merry' and he would have been out there mingling with friends and making them laugh. He's not here but we are, so I say let's make him proud and have the Christmas he would have demanded of us."

Rick had returned with our drinks and as I vented Rosalie and Emmett had joined our group so that now eight hands were held high to clink our glasses together.

"Hear, hear," Boomed Emmett.

"To having fun for Peter," Alice acknowledged and we all took a good long sip of our drinks.

As we all fell into more discussions of the goings on of our lives Charlie leant into me and whispered softly. "I'm proud of you Bells. You are one strong young woman."

My gaze met his and I expressed my gratitude as I saw the rare display of tender emotion pass over his face. When our father chose to show us this side of him you knew that it was heartfelt and I reveled in the knowledge that he truly did think I was doing the right thing in the way I was coping with Peter's death.

The rest of the night had us all mingling together, and separately, with the other guests. Mostly people were considerate of my feelings and tried to keep subjects of conversation away from missing Peter. That was until Jessica Stanley came barreling into me as I stood speaking to Alice, Jasper, Edward, and Angela, throwing her arms around me in an excessive demonstration of sorrow.

"Oh my god Bella. How are you? It must be so hard to be here without Peter. You must be almost suicidal in your grief at this special time of the year. I don't know how you can possibly look this good when the love of your life is dead. I've wanted to come and see if you are okay but I really didn't know what to say….."

"And apparently still doesn't," Alice said in agitation as she watched me engulfed in Jessica's arms. I could feel the familiar anger and guilt flip around in my stomach as I tried to tune out the insipid girl's ridiculous and insensitive words.

"Um….hi…..Jessica, isn't it?" Edward stepped forward and gently disentangled Jessica's arm from around me giving me room to breathe again. He gave me an apologetic grimace and then returned his attention to the girl who was now looking at him with awe. "I think we might have met last year at a party. My name's Edward, Edward Cullen."

Jessica was practically drooling as Edward made the introduction and she nodded her head eagerly. "Oh yes. I remember. I had hoped that we would have gotten to dance back then but I think you ended up being too busy. That was the party you and Peter held just before your wedding wasn't it Bella….a great night and….."

Her words almost had no impact on me because I was watching the tell tale signs on Edward's face that he was about to lose it. His jaw had tightened and a vein was throbbing in his temple. Suddenly his face became blank again and a fake smile was aimed at Jessica.

"So maybe we could have that dance now?" Edward asked politely and Alice's gasp next to us was a reflection of how his words impacted on me. He was going to sacrifice himself to dance with someone he disliked, and had avoided like the plague months ago, to get her away from me; to stop me from being upset from her ill thought out words. Jessica swooned and her over the top sympathy was entirely forgotten as she agreed to his out of the blue offer. The two of them walked over to the area that had been set aside for dancing and we watched with a sick sense of dread as she threw herself repeatedly at him whilst he tried to fend off her advances without actually being offensive.

"We can't let him do that," I whispered urgently to Alice and Jasper. "He can't stand her."

"Boy he has got it bad. He did that for you," Alice responded. "She was way out of line with her stupid words and he was either going to yell at her and cause a scene or try some sort of distraction. He did what he thought best."

"Oh god. She will eat him alive." My eyes were drawn to the two of them again and I had to clench my teeth when I saw Jessica trying to pull Edward in closer to her body. She had absolutely no concept of personal space and he was looking more and more uncomfortable.

"Please someone think of something we can do to save him." Just as I voiced my plea Jessica stopped dancing with Edward and grabbed his hand to drag him over towards the bar. Edward anxiously looked back at us and then resigned himself to listening to whatever it was that Jessica was jabbering in his ear. Rick Woods chose that moment to come over and see how I was faring so I used my eyes to get Jasper and Alice to go over and at least be there for Edward.

Angela excused herself to go and find Ben when Jasper and Alice left on their mission. I tried to concentrate solely on what Mr Woods was talking about but my attention was still almost entirely on what was happening with Edward. That changed when a voice from my past interrupted us and Rick was shaking the hands of his nephew.

"James. It is good to see you. It has been way too long."

"It has been, Uncle Rick. I'm sorry but life has been exceptionally busy. Hello Bella," His eyes raked over my body and I felt the inclination to cross my arms over myself to stop him, even though I was wearing nothing revealing at all. "You are looking as good as ever."

I glared at him. Surely Rick would hear the leeriness in his voice when he spoke to me but Rick was distracted and excused himself so that I was left alone with James. I immediately proceeded to walk away from him but he stopped in front of me to halt my passage and I swore to myself. This night was just getting better and better.

"James I have nothing to say to you."

"That's not how you reacted to me last time we met Bella. If I remember correctly you practically begged me to take you home and make you forget."

Rolling waves of nausea hit me at the thought of those words leaving my mouth to him. I spat out in spite. "I was drunk, you imbecile and didn't know what I was doing."

"Well let's get you drunk again then shall we?"

"I've learnt my lesson James. I will never allow myself to be in that situation again. Now if you will excuse me I have to find my friends."

I turned my head to see where the others were so I could find some semblance of safety. James gave me the creeps and I knew what he was capable of if he put his mind to hurting me. I couldn't see them so began walking away from James with as much conviction as I could. He followed me.

"If you are looking for Edward to come and save you from the big bad wolf again I think you might find he is too busy with Jess to be worried about you. That has to hurt, doesn't it?"

"Edward can do what he wants James. He doesn't need to be watching out for me all the time,"

"Oh but he likes to, doesn't he Bella? He watches you and protects you and pretends he is some gentleman who wants nothing from you but we all know that it isn't true. He can't wait to take Peter's place and you….sweet innocent Bella…..you're going to let him."

"Firstly James. Edward doesn't need to pretend anything. He is a good person, unlike you, and he cares about the people around him – all of them, not just me. Secondly. No one can ever take Peter's place because he has a special place all of his own and I will NOT let the likes of you sully how I felt about him because of your own sick fantasies. Back off and leave me alone or I swear Rick and Grace will find out that Peter had every intention of keeping you away from the wedding and the reasons why."

"OOhhh, some backbone from young Bella. Won't that make it even sweeter when I finally get what I want from you? Passion, that's what I like to see. Wouldn't suppose you'd like to demonstrate it in a small kiss since we are now standing under the mistletoe. Tradition and all, you know."

I looked up in shock at the mistletoe hanging above our heads. James had somehow herded me into a position I would never put myself into readily. I was about to splutter an irate response to his ludicrous suggestion when out of nowhere Edward appeared by my side, not touching me but very much on my radar.

"James," Edward sneered at the man he despised. "My suggestion to you would be to turn around and walk away right now. It is only my brother's hatred of violence that is making him keep Emmett back from coming over here and pounding you into oblivion." Both James and I looked over at the direction Edward had indicated to see that Edward was not lying; Jasper was physically preventing Emmett from coming over here to make a scene and Rosalie was speaking urgently into his ear as if her words would count for something. Emmett's face held a rage that was not often seen from him. " I, personally, am a whisper away from saying to hell with the party and just beating the crap out of you like you deserve because I am pretty sure I've told you before to stay away from Bella ."

"You wouldn't have the guts," James stated with scorn and as if he wanted to taunt Edward even more he reached out to place his hand on my arm. Edward flicked James hand away as if it was nothing, took a step closer to James and put his face mere inches from his.

"Try me." Edward's voice held hostility as he spat the words at James. Fear flitted across James face as he recognized that Edward would follow through if given the excuse and I was pretty sure he didn't want to explain, to his attending family, why someone felt the need to beat him up. James scowled at the two of us before shrugging his shoulders as if Edward's threats meant nothing to him.

"Come on Edward. He is not worth our time. Let's go before a scene is made." I nervously scanned the room to see if anyone was taking notice of what was happening but happily everyone, besides our little group, were otherwise distracted. Edward stared James down and inclined his head as if requesting for him to do something stupid just so Edward could get some kind of payback, but for once James kept his mouth shut and merely stared back at him. When I touched Edward's arm to bring him back to what I was saying, he narrowed his eyes at James and then threw a brilliant smile my way.

"You're right. Let's go." Without another word or glance at James he walked by my side back to a muttering Emmett and the others.

"That was a perfect opportunity to make that scumbag pay for what he was going to do to Bella at the Trinity. Why is he still standing?" Emmett whined in reproach.

"That was a perfect opportunity to make a scene in front of every family friend we know Emmett, and I am pretty sure none of us needed or wanted that kind of attention." Rosalie exhaled a breath in exasperation.

"Yeah but….."

"Emmett. I appreciate you wanting to protect me and all but beating James up is not going to get us anywhere. It would actually be like we were stooping to his low level."

"It would make me feel better," Emmett sulked and I couldn't help but give him a huge hug for caring so much.

Edward was shaking his head. "I have a bad feeling about this. He won't let go of this obsessive need to harass you. I don't want him to hurt you. Promise me you will be careful." I was going to give him a flippant reply about how I could look after myself but then I saw the worry embedded in his eyes and I chose against it.

"I promise Edward but right now I think I've had enough of pretending I'm enjoying being here and want to go home."

Everyone agreed that they were ready to call it a night and we did a quick round to say our last goodbyes together. On approaching the Woods I noticed Rick giving Edward a wary glance and it made me feel uncomfortable for a few seconds. When he spoke though it was with politeness and good will so I admitted to myself that it was probably only my own guilt pricking away at me.

"It was nice to see you all again," Grace offered as she kissed all of our cheeks lightly. "We will see you beautiful Swan girls in a couple days time for Christmas dinner. Edward and Jasper will you be joining us?"

Renee and Charlie had invited both the Woods and McCarty's to spend Christmas day with us this year in the hopes of ensuring at least some brightness in Rick and Gail's day. Their invitation to Jasper and Edward had been politely declined.

"No actually, Edward and I are flying home to Forks to spend Christmas with our own family this year. It is not often that we are all able to be together at Christmas and it seems even more important this year," Jasper admitted and everyone around the circle nodded their agreement.

A few more basic courtesies were exchanged and then we were free from the party and I let out a huge sigh of relief.

"Okay. I managed to make it through that. Besides Jessica and James everyone was pretty subtle really." I rubbed my arms through my coat to warm them up in the freezing temperatures that had just hit us on our exit. "By the way Edward, thanks for getting Jessica to leave me alone but next time you don't need to sacrifice yourself to help me. No one should be exposed to Jessica for prolonged periods of time, particularly good looking men who she has her eye set on."

"I couldn't think of anything else," Edward laughed awkwardly and Emmett clapped him on the shoulder in sympathy. "She certainly has a unique way about her. It seemed the more I declined her suggestions the more she thought I wanted her."

Rosalie and Alice were laughing outright now but Emmett and Jasper kept giving Edward their condolences, knowing that they wouldn't have wanted to be in his position.

"How did you get away from her," I asked with curiosity.

"I walked away," Edward didn't look directly at me when he said it and Alice scoffed.

"More like charged away from her when he saw that James was talking to you. Jessica's face was priceless, I have to say, when her prattle was disrupted by Edward's hasty getaway. Angela thought quickly and moved in to distract her from coming after Edward and therefore seeing what was happening between you and James."

A few more teasing comments were passed and Edward took them good naturedly before two taxis pulled up ready to take us all back to Alice and my apartment. We had already decided that we would exchange Christmas presents tonight since the boys were leaving early in the morning for Forks and would not be back until after New Years Day. Having to accept that I wouldn't get to see Edward for ten days or so put an even lower vibe on my already bad evening.

Once home the six of us got comfortable around the small tree that Alice and I had decorated days before. Alice was busting to hand out the presents we had all brought for one another. We had originally thought that we would do the whole Kris Kringle way of choosing a name out of a hat and buying for one person only but Alice had vetoed that idea saying that it was our first Christmas all together and that it would be more fun if we each had to buy for one another. Before I knew what was happening, a gift was thrust into my chest.

"Okay. Bella this is from Jasper, with a little help from me of course," Jasper's serene smile as Alice revealed this tidbit of information was so him, that I smirked. I thanked him as I placed it in my lap in readiness of opening it when Alice had finished her explanations.

"And Edward this one is from me, with no help whatsoever from anyone." She gave him a look of pride as he took the offered gift from her hand and gave his quiet thankyou.

"Jazzy, this one is from Bella. I have no idea what she got so I have no idea if she had help or not."

"Maybe a little," I stated as I indicated a small space of air between my thumb and finger.

"I'm sure I will love it." Jasper responded.

"Rose you have one from Edward and Emmett you've scored Rosie's first." The gifts passed hands and we all waited for the countdown.

"And lastly I have one from Emmett. Okay all, on the count of three, everyone can open their first present." Alice squealed in excitement, very much like a small child on Christmas morning.

Paper was gleefully pulled away from packages and everyone exclaimed at what they received. Jasper had given me a beautiful silk dressing gown in the colour blue which definitely had Alice's choice written all over it. A tinge of red marked his cheeks as he reiterated that Alice had insisted it was what I needed and I laughed at his embarrassment.

"Do you love it Belles? It matches up perfectly with the silk pj's I got you," She clapped her hand over her mouth as she realized that she had just told me what she had gotten me and we all laughed at her again.

"So much for the surprise aspect of opening a present," I teased my sister.

Of course Alice had given Edward a piece of clothing; a lovely tailored shirt that was ideal for work. I noticed that the colour would match his gorgeous eyes and then forced myself to look away before I began on his other attributes. There were times when he was so overwhelmingly beautiful to me that I wasn't able to keep the distance between us that I knew was needed. I envied everyone else in the room who had no need to keep themselves so tightly constrained in their interactions.

Jasper loved the set of Civil War novels I had found in my favorite bookshop downtown. I had asked Edward if he thought it would be something Jasper would enjoy and he had given me a very convincing yes. I was glad to see that we were both right on the money and that he loved them as much as I had hoped.

Edward's gift to Rosalie was a beautiful leather wallet that she had had her eye on for the past few weeks, every time we walked by a particular shop. This present had been brought without my input so I gathered that he had been very observant in realizing it was what she wanted. He was good with that; noticing the small things.

Emmett opened his present from his fiancé and reacted warmly to the thick black wrist band she had chosen for him that sported a silver representation of a deer; his family emblem. Rosalie ran her finger over the smoothness of the metal. "I hope you like it Em. I can't believe I am going to be a McCarty soon."

"I love it, babe. Thanks so much,"

Alice interrupted their quick kiss of gratitude with an exclamation that the next round was about to begin. The night continued in this manner with us all opening presents from one another. I received silk pajamas, a few novels that were on my 'to read' list and a pair of shoes. When it came to opening Edward's present he looked particularly nervous. If he had even half the difficulty choosing a present for me as I did for him then I could understand his sentiments precisely.

"I wasn't sure what to get you Bella," Edward said quietly as he watched me open his gift. The leather bound book that was disclosed, once the paper was off, was particularly beautiful, with an intricate celtic design engraved around the edges. In the centre of the front cover 'Bella's Book' was etched and my eyes drifted to Edward's as I ran my fingers over the words. He smiled uncertainly as I opened the cover to look inside. All pages were blank except for the very first where Edward had someone write in perfect calligraphy;

_And as imagination bodies forth the forms of things unknown,_

_the poet's pen turns them into shapes,_

_and gives to airy nothings a local habitation and a name._

_William Shakespeare_

Tears threatened as I read and reread the message. With this gift Edward was revealing just how much he knew about me already. He was encouraging my passion for writing and telling me that I could do it; that this book would be a place for ideas and musings; the onset of something that could become so much more. I could only imagine the gratitude that would have been illuminating my face as I looked at the man who had given me such a thoughtful gift.

"Edward. I can't even begin to tell you how beautiful and perfect this is."

Edward's face lit up with my words and his shoulders relaxed slightly, telling me he had been very tense about my reaction. "Every writer deserves a beautiful book to write in Bella and I know that one day, in the not so distant future, you are going to live that dream that you have."

I flung my arms around Edward's neck, forgetting that there were other people in the room. I wanted to acknowledge what this meant to me through touch, not just mere words and he did not falter in returning the hug.

"Merry Christmas Bella," He sighed into the side of my neck and when I reluctantly moved away from him I found the others watching us in silence. They quickly turned away and pretended to be enthralled with their presents so I used the privacy to hand over Edward's gift.

I had attempted with everyone's gifts to find something that I knew represented their personalities or something that was special to them. This was decidedly harder for Edward than any of the others. Everything I considered screamed too contrived or too insignificant, or way too over the top. I had finally thought of something that I thought he would enjoy and would hopefully result in a keepsake for him on its conclusion.

Edward's curiosity was very apparent as he undid the silver ribbon around the black box I had handed to him. As he lifted the lid, his eyes scanned the contents of the box and a slow smile crept over his face before a frown over rid it and he looked at me in appraisal.

"Bella, this is too much. It would have cost a fortune and I know things are a bit tight right now."

"Okay Edward Cullen. I am going to go by the initial reaction on your face that you actually like what I've given you and try really hard not to be insulted by the frown that is now on your face. Don't ruin my fun."

Edward's face had reddened in apology with my words. "Bella. This is an amazing present. I absolutely do love it. I don't think anyone has ever considered that this could be something I could do." He looked back down at the box and then raised his head again to give me an intense gaze. "Thank you Bella. It means the world to me to know that you think I am good enough for this."

"Edward, the way you play is indescribable. I know you've only shown me a small part of what you've composed but it was enough to know that you are extremely talented."

"What special talent has Edward been keeping from us," Alice chirped up as the rest of our group zoomed in on our conversation.

"Music," I answered as Edward fidgeted in embarrassment. "He's amazing on the piano and the guitar as well I believe." Edward's glance questioned that bit of knowledge. "Jasper told me that you also play the guitar but you've yet to show me that one."

" Edward's always been good with music. In fact I always thought he would make some sort of career out of it but he went into business instead. So what has us talking about music anyway?" Emmett asked.

"Bella's Christmas present to me was two days in a studio to record any of my own music I would like on a CD. Apparently she thinks I have the ability to sound good. It should be a lot of fun."

"Wow, Bella that's a cool present. How on earth did you manage that one?" Rosalie marveled.

"One of Ben's friends owns the studio and helped me out with what was needed." I shrugged as if it was nothing but really I had put a lot of thought into this. Edward's music deserved to be heard even if it was just by his friends and family who would appreciate his talent. "I expect to be the first recipient when it is finished Edward. I have every faith that it will be wonderful."

Discussion took place around what kind of music Edward actually wrote and when he thought he would go into the studio. I could tell from the excitement that was exuding from Edward that he really did love the present and was no longer thinking about the cost involved. In all truth Ben's friend had given me mate's rates and it wasn't something Edward needed to worry about. I was simply happy to have given him something he would get enjoyment out of and was looking forward to hearing the end product, if it was anything like the limited pieces he had so far shown me over the time I had known him.

The lateness of the hour finally made Rosalie and Emmett decide to leave and return to their own apartment, loaded up with all their goodies. Edward would be staying the night here so that he and Jasper could leave for the airport together in the morning. Once Rosalie and Emmett had left and Jasper and Alice had snuck off to their own room Edward and I sat peacefully together reminiscing about everyone's gifts and discussing his forthcoming trip to see Carlisle and Esme in Forks. I was reluctant to admit my tiredness knowing that this was my last opportunity to spend time with him for over ten days. He seemed to be feeling the same way because he patted the lounge next to him and I willingly placed myself into his arms. We both let out a small sigh of relief at our closeness and I felt my body melt into his as he hugged me to his side. I couldn't believe that his proximity made me feel so safe and secure and relaxed whilst at the same time awakening an excitement in me that I wasn't even aware was possible.

"Bella."

"Yes?"

"I wanted to ask you something and I want you to feel completely free to say no, if that's what you want," Edward's velvety voice was showing signs of nervousness and I became concerned about what he was going to ask me. We had been doing so well and the truth was that I didn't want to ever have to say no to him but if he was going to request something I was not ready for then I would have to unwillingly hurt him. I nodded into his chest so he knew I was ready for him to go ahead.

"I would like to take you out; just the two of us….kind of…..like as in a date…..to a concert that I got free tickets for. Now I know this might be taking things in a different direction for us and you like to have the others around but….."

I moved my body so that my face was entirely in his vision as I responded. "Stop right there, Edward. I would love to go to a concert with you."

Edward did a double take. He was obviously all set on convincing me that this would be a good thing and had arguments ready for when I ummed and ahhed about it. "Yes? Did you say yes; just like that?"

I laughed. "Yes Edward I said yes. I like spending time with you. Why wouldn't I agree to going to see a band with you?"

"Well I thought….I guess I was…." His words petered out in confusion and then he brightened up. " You're going to come to the Bon Jovi concert with me. That's…. well that is fantastic."

Something screeched in my mind to rewind that last bit of the conversation and very soon I was on my feet looking down at Edward who appeared panicked at my quick movement.

"Um, did you just say Bon Jovi? As in my secret crush Jon Bon Jovi; as in the band that I have loved forever and have a hidden shrine to in the back of my cupboard; as in sexy, gorgeous, rock and roll Bon Jovi who I would give my right arm to see but haven't been able to get tickets to. Is that who you are asking me to see with you?"

Edward was now smirking at my mini rant and I could tell that he was happy with my reaction to this bit of news.

"Yep that would be correct but if you feel that it wouldn't be appropriate for me to take you to just such a concert I am willing to give away the tickets to someone who really wants them," He teased and I stared back at him in mock horror.

"You will do no such thing," I flung myself back onto the lounge so that I was pressed against him again. "Bon Jovi. Oh my god we are going to see Bon Jovi."

"Wow, Rosalie was not kidding when she said that you were a closet Bon Jovi fan. When I got these tickets from work she told me that you would probably bequeath your first born child to get a hold of one of them since they were right at the front in VIP. I thought I would have to use them to entice you to come out with me but…"

"Well you need to remember that I said yes to you before I knew it was Bon Jovi I was saying yes to ….and did you just tell me that we have front row tickets so that I can actually be up close and personal to the great man himself?"

"Um Bella you aren't doing much for my self esteem here. You do realize that I will be there by your side right and that Jon is almost fifty these days?"

"Yes and he has only gotten better with age, might I add." I was enjoying the teasing tone that our conversation had taken on. With Edward I could forget that I was meant to be behaving in a certain way and could just be myself. Tonight had started off so negatively but now I was laughing and feeling so content in Edward's presence. He had given me so much tonight; consideration, protection, the beautiful gift, Bon Jovi tickets and overall a sense that things were getting better; that I didn't have to live with pain and guilt all the time. I burrowed in closer to Edward in silent thanks for all he was doing to make this alright for me.

"I can't believe you love Bon Jovi that much," Edward's fingers were now trailing up and down my arm and the sensations were seemingly hitting every nerve I had so that it was hard to concentrate on his words. I was about to say 'Bon Jovi who?' when I realized that I had been dazzled yet again and that was not acceptable in our present position. I forced myself to give some sort of sane response to his teasing words so that he would not be aware how his touch was affecting me.

"I know; not the normal band for a twenty three year old to be into, considering how long they've been around, but I think that's why I love him so much. He keeps bringing out great music and every single song makes you want to sing along; to yell out in agreement with the lyrics. I still love modern music, don't get me wrong but Bon Jovi; he is a legend in my eyes."

"Fair enough," Edward spoke softly. "I am looking forward to experiencing it with you then."

Silence followed as Edward continued his soft touches and I simply accepted them without allowing anything to invade my thoughts but the scent and feel of him. I placed my hand across his chest and relaxed my breathing so it matched the beating of his heart. He tightened his hold on me and skimmed his lips over the crown of my head.

_Why couldn't life be as simple as this moment; where Edward held me and nothing else mattered except his steady breathing and the fact that he cared?_

"Edward."

"Yes"

" I'd take you over Bon Jovi any day."

His breathing halted for mere seconds and then I felt his mouth move into a smile against my hair.

"I'm kind of relieved to hear that actually Bella."

"Hmmmm. But the fact that I get both of you at the same time….well that's the best Christmas present ever."

He gave a huge booming laugh and my own body bounced with the force of it. "Bella, I've said it before but I will say it again….you enjoy teasing me way too much."

"And you love it," I quipped back.

"Yes…yes I do," He said with a certain amount of satisfaction.

I snuggled further into him and closed my eyes. When sleep claimed me I was still in the circle of Edward's arms and was feeling the most content I had in a long, long time.


	19. Chapter 19: In these arms

Chapter 19

BPOV – In these arms

Had Christmas been easy for me? _Absolutely not._

Were my thoughts filled with Peter and the 'what ifs?' _Constantly._

Were their periods of full self flagellation and questioning of what kind of person I was to be missing two men from my life so badly? _Obviously._

Did I wish Edward was back here in New York with me to provide the comfort that I had become so accustomed too? _Every single day._

I had come to work out, over the course of the past nine days, that Edward was something incredibly special and that his role in my life was changing dramatically. Even with him on the other side of the country it was evident that there was more going on between us than I had been willing to admit up to this point. Every single day we spoke and it was as if he could read my mind and see into my soul because he always offered what I needed at that particular time.

He accepted that I still had a lot of grief and guilt to deal with about Peter but he supported me regardless. He was considerate of my feelings and understood that dealing with Peter not being around for the first Christmas in eight years was extremely difficult for me, particularly with the added stress of keeping Rick and Grace's spirits up at the same time. It didn't seem to faze him that I was a mess over another guy; he didn't berate me for still feeling pain when certain things happened over the course of Christmas that reminded me so starkly of Peter and what we had lost when he died. He gave me sympathy and humour and reminders that all would work out in the end….and I believed him.

_Because that was just the kind of person he was…_

…_and it was getting harder to resist._

New Years Eve arrived and with it my growing excitement that this date was bringing me closer to having Edward back in New York. Ever since he had left me, the morning after our gift giving and the best night's sleep I had had in ages because I had been in his arms, I had been missing him. He would return in two days time and that knowledge put a spring back into my step like nothing else could. I was even convinced that I could enjoy the party that Rosalie and Emmett were dragging Alice, Angela, Ben and I to, that one of their business associates was putting on. Reason being that, I would be able to mix with a bunch of strangers who knew nothing of how hard the past year had been. I would not have to deal with anyone's sympathy; real or fake and I could try to relax and enjoy my anonymity without any probing questions.

"Great party, hey," Alice linked her arm with mine and then bumped her champagne glass with my own. It had been a good night. The food was fantastic, the music festive and thumping and I had met a few people who had been interesting to talk to. All in all I could not complain, although it would have been nice to be sharing the coming of a new year with Edward.

"Sure has been," I agreed amiably with my excited sister.

"I wish Jasper was here though," Alice sighed and that told me that her thoughts had almost mirrored my own but with a different Cullen brother as the star role.

"You will have lots of other New Years Alice; I can guarantee it." I stated wistfully as I thought of Peter and then Edward.

Alice's knowing eyes met mine and she gulped down another mouthful of her champagne. "I'm sorry Bella. That wasn't very considerate of me. This year will be so much better for you. I can see good times ahead for you sis; you deserve it more than I can tell you."

"Thanks Ali. I hope you are right." I smiled through the light tears her words had brought on and then stared at our glasses. "I do believe we better top these up so that we are ready for the countdown. Where are the others?"

"I'll find them and I will get us a new drink each. Wait here and we can all be together for the start of the year," Alice ordered and I handed over my glass so she could have it filled up. I scanned the happy faces around the room and tried to get back into the contented mood I had been in earlier. I grabbed my phone out of my handbag and rang Edward because I knew that the sound of his voice would cheer me up. I wanted to start this new year the right way, not with negative thoughts. His deep voice answered on the third ring and I instantly relaxed.

" Hey Bella. To what do I owe this late night call?" Edward was teasing and then his tone became serious. "Is everything okay?"

"What? Um oh yes everything is fine; the party has been great and all but I kind of wanted to hear your voice and maybe bring in the New Year with you if that's okay? The countdown is about to start and….."

Alice's high pitched squeal reached my ear and I searched for her to see what had made her so excitable. I couldn't see her though and then Edward spoke again and I was brought back to him with my full attention.

"You called me because you want to bring in the New Year with me?" Edward asked as if he wasn't sure he had heard right. Something akin to hope reverberated through his tone and I smiled as if he was standing in front of me, not hundreds of miles away.

"Ah yes. That is, if it's okay. If you are busy at the party you are at and can't do it, I'll understand but I like the idea of having you on the phone as we count down."

There was silence on the other end of the phone and I wondered if we had been cut off, or if worse he had decided that I was a crazy and had hung up on me.

"Bella. It's been a long nine days." His words were whispered so I almost didn't catch them., due to the noise at both the parties we were at.

_People were beginning to count down. 10….9…_

"I know," I sighed into the phone "I wish you were here."

_The excitement was rising. 6….5…_

An awareness ran through my body as I said those words. It was getting harder and harder to not tell him how much he meant to me. A familiar tingle was lit within me and before I could question it Edward was answering me.

"That's good," He said into the phone that had suddenly become tinny sounding. Before the next words were whispered in my ear I already knew he was behind me because I felt him in every nerve ending I owned. "Because I'm here and god you look beautiful."

I spun around to stand face to face with the man I had been missing so badly and only had seconds to take in his features before the final countdown was made.

…_2…1_

"Happy New Year, Bella." A smile, full of promises, crept over his face as he watched my stunned reaction to him being here and then he was leaning forward to graze his lips ever so softly over mine. I savored that gentle touch as the world around us constricted so that it was just me and him and the way our lips were responding to one another. I vaguely heard all of the yelling of Happy New Years, I hazily recognized that around us people were hugging and kissing, showing their delight that the new year was finally here but in all honesty I was completely focused on the man who now held me with restrained passion and nothing seemed as important as him being here with me. Our kiss deepened as I slowly reached my hands up to hold Edward's strong shoulders and he matched my action by slipping his arm around my waist and pulling me closer into his body. He slowly softened the kiss as we both fought for breath and then he pulled back a little to search my face and the tenderness and longing that I saw there made my throat tighten and a warm feeling of rightness spread through my body.

"Surprise," He said tentatively and his lips moved into the smile that I loved so much. "As usual, when it comes to you, I can't help myself."

Heat registered across my cheeks and he raised his hand to run his thumb over the blush. "You have no idea what that blush does to me Bella."

I automatically leant into his hand. "If it's anything like what you do to me with that smile of yours, I fully understand."

He smirked at me, clearly happy with my comeback. "So my smile then? I'll have to remember that. Good to know." His hand was now lightly making its way down across my shoulders and then down my arm to find itself holding my hand in a secure grasp.

I laughed to myself as the inevitable tingles centered on where we were touching. If he only knew how many other things about him brought about the same reaction he would think I was demented. The list was endless and that freaked me out a little.

The intensity of his look made me nervous and I grabbed onto something to say. "So I thought you were spending New Years in Forks?"

"Change of plans. Jasper decided he wanted to be here for Alice and that suited me just fine so we got a late flight in. I came back because….."

"Edward. Bella. Happy New Year." Emmett's booming voice interrupted Edward's explanation. He was still a few metres away from us and madly waving as he yelled over the top of people's heads. Edward quickly ducked his own so that he could hurriedly complete his sentence before we were bombarded with my family and friends.

"…..there was no one I wanted to spend the beginning of the new year with, more than you."

My sudden lightheadedness had nothing to do with the very little champagne I had consumed tonight and everything to do with the man who was now gently pulling me to meet up with the others. I tried to undazzle myself so that I could take part in the celebrations taking place around me but it was exceptionally hard to do. Edward Cullen had flown across the country to be with me on this night of new beginnings; he had kissed me with so much care and happiness that he had left me aching for more and I had to admit myself that I was exhilarated that he was here and nowhere else. How do you resist the dazzle when it was so potent? I had absolutely no idea.

Edward was forced to let go of my hand as the other boys gave him claps on the back and exuberant greetings. Alice was beside herself with happiness that Jasper was by her side and was still giving him small pecks of approval at inconsistent intervals. Rosalie threw her arms around me to wish me a happy new year but instead of letting me go quickly held on to my arms and grinned evilly at me.

"So for two people who are….." She placed her fingers into a representation of speech marks "…'good friends' you sure know how to produce some hot kisses."

"Seriously Rosalie," Heat engulfed me at the suggestion in her words. "Are you spying on us kissing now?"

She laughed merrily and shook her head. "What can I say? I came looking for my sister to wish her a Happy New Year and found her engulfed in some dashing man's arms who was kissing her like his life depended on it. You don't want me to see, stop the public displays."

I looked across at Edward who was listening to Ben retell what he and Angela had done for Christmas and as if he knew I was looking he turned and gave me a quick smile and wink.

"Hmmm. He is dashing, isn't he?" I stated, choosing to ignore the rest of her explanation.

Rosalie's grin widened. "Glad you are finally getting it Bella. Now let's continue with the celebrations. This year is going to be a good one." Rosalie pulled Alice and Angela into a group hug, along with me and spoke loudly. "Here's to new beginnings."

With arms around one another we faced the boys who were grinning at our outburst of sisterly affections. Edward and my eyes met and in that moment I knew.

This was definitely a new beginning.

#################################################################

Work reared its ugly head for Edward over the next few weeks and we were forced to spend most of our time apart which was incredibly frustrating. He had to do lots of business trips out of the city and on the few occasions when we did get to meet up Edward was exhausted and something was definitely weighing on his mind. It began to dawn on me that maybe decisions were being made at work about his return to Paris and neither of us were willing to address that yet. We shared a couple of casual meals and a few chaste kisses but we weren't really moving forward the way I had envisioned after the magic of his sudden arrival on New Year's Eve. I was starting to worry.

Then the day of our date arrived and Edward picked me up from my apartment in extremely high spirits. I opened the door eagerly to find a completely relaxed Edward standing there clasping a small bouquet of flowers which he offered to me with a smile. I accepted them graciously and let my eyes hungrily devour him. It was impossible to be this close to him and not take in his perfection; the soft curve of his full lips that just begged to be kissed, the hard square of his jaw and sharp angles of his cheekbones that screamed out man and then the wide emerald eyes, framed with naturally long and dark eyelashes that every woman would kill for. It was those eyes that I was captivated with right now because in them I could see his own eagerness for today to happen and the joy he got from seeing me. It left me breathless to know that I got that reaction from a man such as him; an incredibly attractive man who could be a model if he was to choose to go that way, a man of integrity and warmth…..a man I wanted to be with.

_Oh god I had lost the fight._

"So are you going to invite me in?" Edward's question was asked with a high level of amusement. He must have realized he was being mentally judged by me and found exactly right.

"Oh right, yes of course," I stumbled over my words and then reached out to take his hand which he readily gave to me. Instant relief poured over me when our fingers meshed together; it had been too long between touches and I was like a druggie who had finally received their fix. I spoke to overcome the inane thoughts that were rattling through my head.

"You look very handsome today Edward." My gaze ran over the form fitting jeans and the grey cotton shirt he had left partially opened over a long sleeved t-shirt. His coat was hanging over his arm but that didn't stop me from noting his finely toned arms where the shirt had been folded up. Handsome was not the word for him; gorgeous and god like was way more appropriate a description.

"And you My Bella look as lovely as ever," Edward stated as he lifted our entangled hands up to rub my fingers against his lips in a light kiss. His eyes did their own quick appraisal of my appearance and it was like he was physically caressing me with the way my body was responding. When he finally looked back up at me there was a definite look of approval on his face. "No not just lovely….beautiful."

I let out a huge sigh of relief that whatever had been bothering him for the last few times I had seen him seemed to have been put on the backburner for today's activities. Without even trying he had put my mind at ease and made me feel extraordinarily good. Today was a huge step for the both of us but I was now making it readily and extremely happily.

We left the apartment after Edward ensured I would be appropriately attired to keep warm during our trip to and from the concert. He hailed a taxi and soon we were safely settled into a cute little Italian restaurant for an early dinner before the concert took place. The meal was spectacularly good without being pretentious and again I marveled that Edward knew exactly what I would enjoy and what I would feel uncomfortable with. Casual and light hearted was all me, opposed to elegant and stuffy. Our time at the restaurant was relaxed and enjoyable if I didn't take into consideration the waitress trying to hit onto Edward every opportunity she got and the daggers she initially served me when he gave his full attention to me rather than her. His constant touches and beatific smiles, always directed at me, must have finally sunk in and she eventually gave up, much to my relief. Until Edward I had never considered myself a jealous kind of girl and it was off putting to have to reluctantly concede that I was. I wasn't sure how much longer I would have been able to sit there and watch her ogle Edward without sticking a fork in her eye or throwing myself across the table to aggressively kiss Edward to show her that he was mine. Neither would have been a good look.

With Edward I was exposed to conflicting emotions that I couldn't get my head around but enjoyed nonetheless. Our time together was a mixture of complete comfortableness and then the undeniable excitement and nervousness of being attracted to another human being. Over dinner we spoke of so many normal aspects of our lives; Alice and Jasper's continuing progress on helping Jasper with his past, Rosalie and Emmett's wedding plans, my ongoing search for a job, Edward's brief trips for work and the list went on and on. It was like we had known each other forever and could discuss anything but underneath it all was the passion and the longing and the soft touches and the wordless conversations that were taking place between our bodies.

_It made me feel truly alive._

Excitement built as we completed our meal and Edward took my hand into his and we walked the short distance from the restaurant to the concert arena. He companionably teased me about my love of the band we were about to see and how I had eyes only for Jon Bon Jovi. I laughed along with him but inside I was fighting my need to tell him that today wasn't about Bon Jovi at all; today was about him and me sharing an experience together and me finally telling him that I wanted to be with him beyond this current friendship we had going on with a few kisses happening here and there. Nerves were eating away at me, as I thought about how I could do this after the concert, and I had to concentrate really hard on my surroundings when we finally entered the arena to find our seats. Edward had not been joking when he said we had VIP seats and I found myself succumbing to both Edward's happiness and the excitement of the people around us as we waited for the band to start. My proclamations would have to wait for later. Right now I just wanted to enjoy what Edward had done for me in giving me this present.

It became very apparent, once Bon Jovi began, that our allocated seats at the front were not going to be utilized and we were soon pressed up against the stage in an enthusiastic display of worship. Song after song played and I watched , enthralled, as Bon Jovi strutted his stuff and I couldn't stop the smile of joy as I constantly divided my attention between the singer and Edward who appeared to be having a great time too. The more animated the crowd around us became the closer Edward moved towards me and he was soon holding me in the protection of his arms as bodies began to press in on one another. I could very distinctly feel his chest pressing into my back as he ensured I wasn't knocked over by any overly ardent fans and it made me appreciate that even though we were both having fun, jumping up and down to the beat of the music and singing along to the lyrics, that he still had my welfare and protection as uppermost in his mind. I grabbed one of his arms which were loosely around my hips and brought it up so that I could reach his forearm and deliver a quick kiss of thanks to it. His other arm tightened around my body and I leant back so I could yell into his ear.

"Thanks for this Edward."

He didn't answer but smiled to show me that he had heard over the noise of the band and the crowd. The rest of the concert went off in a blur of sensations; noise, screaming, thumping beat, Edward's arms holding me securely and pure happiness. I wouldn't have exchanged this moment for anything and it was all because Edward was with me, sharing the joy of just letting go and being myself with no other worries invading my mind.

"So was it everything you had hoped for?" Edward asked as the lights died down in the arena and people were grudgingly trying to make their way out at the completion of the concert.

"So much more, Edward. I can't thank you enough for bringing me here. It was the most fun I have had in ages."

"I could tell," Edward stated with a nod of his head, satisfaction lining each word. "The pleasure was all mine Bella. There is nothing like seeing happiness light up your face and knowing that you are having a good time."

The way he cared about me went way beyond what I deserved and all I could do in return was lean in closer and rest my head on his shoulder as I clutched his hand in gratitude. We were in our own little world and missed the ruckus behind us until it was too late. I felt my hand ripped out of Edward's clasp as a drunken guy came barreling through us and as if it was happening in slow motion I watched as a panicked Edward reached for me to no avail. The drunken guy was all over Edward as he screamed at the top of his lungs the lyrics to one of the songs we had just heard from Bon Jovi 'No apologies' As my head collided with the corner of the wall we had been walking past I felt a sharp sting of pain, but all my attention was focused on Edward who was shoving the drunken guy away from his body in complete fury as he tried to get to me to help.

"Get off me you idiot. You've hurt her." Edward seethed as the guy tried to steady himself by grabbing hold of him again. Two guys quickly held the intoxicated man back as he muttered about not being sorry. Edward was instantly at my side.

"Look I'm sorry," A young girl of about twenty came hurrying forwards "He's had a little bit too much to drink. He wouldn't have meant to hurt anyone. He's just overly excited." She pleaded with Edward but Edward was ignoring her and concentrating on the blood that was now flowing from the slight cut on the side of my head. His fingers were pressing gently to decipher how bad the cut actually was.

"You're bleeding Bella but it's not deep. Head wounds always look worse than they are." His sigh of relief was quickly followed by a murderous look towards the instigator of my hurt. "In saying that, you shouldn't be bleeding at all." I latched onto his arm and pulled him back towards me when I realized what his intention was.

"It's okay Edward. It was an accident," I smiled tremulously at him and then spoke quietly. "I kind of hate the attention more than anything, so do you think we could just go home please." A small crowd of people had now formed around us and Edward suddenly took notice of our surroundings. The nuisance was standing with a stricken look on his face and his girlfriend was standing forlornly next to him. She handed Edward a tissue from her purse and he took it so that he could wipe the blood away and then hold it against the cut to try and stem the trickle. He searched my face to make sure I was really okay and then turned back to the girl and her boyfriend.

"I suggest you get him home as quickly as possible so that no one else is hurt," Edward's clipped tone was so not like him but showed that he meant business. The girl cringed a little and then Edward's face softened into the expression of concern I was more used to. "Are you here with friends? Is there anyone who can help you get him home so that you're both safe?"

The girl nodded and held up her phone to indicate that she would get in touch with someone. She looked at me with remorse. "I really am sorry that you got hurt."

"It's nothing; a little scratch," Edward forehead furrowed in disbelief. "No foul done. It was an accident."

We waited for the girl's backup to arrive even though it appeared that her boyfriend's moment of excitement had dispersed and he was actually very well behaved . Once it was clear to Edward that the girl would not be left alone to deal with his antics we walked out into the fresh air with his arm around my waist as if he was frightened that someone else was going to harm me.

"I'm so sorry. That should never have happened, love." Edward mumbled as we walked out to find a cab. I tried to convince him that I was fine and that there was no reason for him to be worried or upset about this. I could tell that my words were falling on deaf ears.

When we arrived back at my apartment Edward immediately went into doctor mode; something he had obviously picked up from being his father's son. He cleaned the cut gently for me and applied a small bandage to it. He was standing between my legs where I sat on the kitchen counter and his proximity was making me forget that there was anything wrong with my head at all as he ummed and ahhed over what he was doing. I could feel his breath tickle my cheek as he leant in for a closer look at his handiwork and delicious waves of awareness ran through me.

"I guess that's it then. All fixed up," His eyes were narrowed in concentration and I wanted to get back to the lightness and comfort of before.

"Thank you Doctor Cullen," I deadpanned and he chuckled.

"That would be my dad, not me, Bella. Are you sure you feel alright. Can I get you a pain tablet or do you need to rest….."

"Edward. I am fine. More than fine actually. Regardless of this little accident I had the best time today and that is all because of you. I am exactly where I want to be at the moment; with you. Nothing can dampen that."

I saw the moment when Edward's bearing changed and his mind registered our closeness rather than his concern. He placed his hands lightly on my thighs that were sitting on either side of his body and they felt warm through the material of my jeans as he rubbed his thumbs absent mindedly back and forth. We were gazing at one another silently, knowing that what happened next would change things entirely. I saw reflected in his eyes the wonder I was feeling along with the fear of losing myself totally to someone who had the capacity to break me like no one ever had been able to before him.

_Was it worth the risk? _

_Definitely._

Ever so slowly Edward pressed forward so that he could blaze a trail of heat across my lips with the movement of his own. Every time he kissed me it was like it was for the first time and I struggled not to let my eagerness for his touch ruin a perfect moment of tenderness. I yearned for him; that much was evident and when he finally teased my lips open so that he could gain entrance I was more than ready to surrender to the experience of kissing him. There was no way I was going to say no.

"God. Bella. You don't understand…how can you possibly understand how much I l….. how much I need you." Edward's voice was rough with some unspoken emotion and I couldn't allow myself to dwell on it because his hands were moving back towards my bum and with one swift movement my body was closer to his so that all I could feel was him and warmth and excitement. With a smile, despite a small amount of lingering nervousness, I reached up to touch his strong jaw and made sure he was looking right at me when I spoke.

"I need you too."

The small groan that he elicited was hard to resist as he claimed my mouth again and my hands pulled his head closer and pressed my body tightly to his. Every touch between us was full of longing and passion. His hands glided up my spine making me gasp with pleasure and when they finally reached my shoulders and traced along my collarbone I knew I was completely lost to whatever he wanted from me and let out a soft moan of approval. His lips left mine and he brushed his cheek across mine so that he could speak softly into my ear.

"You are the most amazing woman I have ever met Bella. I want you to know that." He tilted my head up so that he could look me deep in the eyes. The seriousness projecting from them made all the things that had been haunting me, about what kind of person I was and how our relationship should be, disappear. I wanted to tell him that he was everything I had never known I was looking for and everything I needed but the words were stuck in my throat and before I could get them to escape Edward was lightly kissing the spot below my ear that drove me crazy and I forgot what my intention had been. When our lips finally reconnected it was with such an urgency that I knew all of our walls were crumbling and we were going to take the next step in getting closer.

Through the fog of lust that was now enveloping us, taking us down a road that I had no way of coming back from, I heard a loud banging on my front door. I pulled away from Edward reluctantly and tried to calm my speeding heart as we disentangled our limbs from one another.

"Ignore it," Edward begged as he tightened his hold on me and nuzzled into the spot between my neck and shoulder. It would have been so easy to do considering the position we found ourselves in but the knocking was loud and insistent and I didn't want my neighbours to be disturbed.

"I can't Edward. Just give me a moment." He relinquished his hold on me and I cursed at whoever was at the door. I straightened my clothes so that I wouldn't appear in complete disarray and Edward brushed my hair back from my forehead affectionately so it was a bit tidier than the mess that our passion would have left. He took a deep breath and ran his fingers through his own hair and I had to laugh silently at his attempts to make it neater. With or without us making out, Edward's hair always looked like he had just partaken in a romp of some sort. With one last kiss he gently pushed me out towards the lounge room and front door, making sure he was right behind me to see who was calling at this time of the evening.

When I placed my eye up to our peephole and looked at our visitor my heart plummeted into my stomach and I slumped against the door in horror.

"Oh god. This can't be happening."

Edward took a step towards me but I signaled for him to stop which he did immediately. "What's wrong Bella? Who is it?" Concern laced the questions and I knew he was spooked by the way I was reacting to the person outside my door. "Don't open the door." He growled as he went into protection mode but before he could stop me I had pushed myself away from the door and merely shook my head at him.

"I have to. I'm sorry Edward." With a sense of dread I opened the door to come face to face with the last person I wished to see, moments after I had been lost in passion with Edward.

His face crumpled as he quickly took in that I was not alone and that Edward was close behind me ready to hurt anyone who might bring me harm.

"I knew it. It wasn't a lie. What the hell do you think you are doing Bella? How could you?"

Palpitations hit me as I turned to look at Edward's own horror struck realization as he took in my visitor and I almost doubled over with the weight of oppression that was suddenly in the room, which was in stark contrast to the beauty and well being that had been here only minutes before.

Guilt ripped at me and all good feelings escaped to leave me feeling like an empty shell once more.

_Oh god what had I done?_


	20. Chapter 20:Accusations

**Okay everyone, here is the next chapter and the mystery of who is at the door will be sorted. Thanks to everyone who has been reviewing. I have not been able to get onto the review page to answer you all until this morning and I tried to catch up. I read every one of your reviews with a smile and take ideas from what you have to say. If I don't answer it is not because I haven't tried – I obviously have very bad timing on this site **

**I know some of you are getting frustrated with Bella but all I can say in defense is that I was trying to write this as realistic as I could and I don't think a person loses someone close to them and bounces back immediately without some heavy soul searching being involved. So…my apologies anyway and I hope you will keep reading even through it all.**

**Cheers**

**Michelle**

Chapter 20

EPOV - Accusations

_Softness. _

_Everywhere around me, softness._

_Soft skin to tantalise my fingertips. _

_Soft hair to run my hands through. _

_Soft lips to meld with mine. _

_Soft whimpers to tell me that Bella wanted this; wanted me and then …withdrawal._

Interruptions seemed to be inevitable any time the two of us got closer together. I made one last ditch effort to make her ignore the banging on the door, already knowing that she would not heed my plea. We quickly straightened up and headed to the door and as I walked, and my mind was no longer reduced to mindless lust only, I began to get concerned about who would be banging on Bella's door at this time of the evening.

Bella's reaction when she peered through the peephole did nothing to calm my uneasiness. Her face paled and she looked like she wanted to throw up. She didn't answer me when I asked her who it was and what was wrong and I very nearly threw myself at her to stop her from answering it whilst I demanded not to open the door. I was too late. The door opened and the reason behind Bella's horror stricken look was revealed.

"I knew it. It wasn't a lie. What the hell do you think you are doing Bella? How could you?" Rick Woods stood gaping at both Bella and I and his face had turned a horrible purple colour that showed his absolute anger in finding Bella with another man.

"I…um…..I'm not sure…. ah….." Bella stammered and I watched with trepidation as she shrank in on herself once again. Her transformation in the past few months had been slow but it had been working; she had become stronger within herself and she had begun to flower in other ways as well. Rick's visit had reduced her to that guilt ridden and grief stricken woman we had all been fighting to help her overcome. All within five seconds of her opening the door.

_No. No. No. He could not do this to her._

I had halted my movement towards her when I realized who was at the door but now I continued it so that I stood beside Bella, without touching her. I dared not make anything worse by taking her hand in mine or placing a supportive arm around her shoulder to show her she wasn't alone. Such actions would not go down well with either of them but it was impossible for me not to give her some sort of encouragement regardless. I stood straight and ready for whatever Rick threw at me because I was not going to let him destroy her with his own grief.

"Hello Rick. Is there something we can help you with?" I held my hand out to offer him our normal greeting of a handshake but he violently flicked it aside and strode past the two of us into the lounge area. Bella gasped and gave me a heavy look of appeal; whether she was begging me to stay out of it or help her I was unsure. She followed Rick's path into the lounge room where Rick was wildly gesticulating; his words directed at me.

"We can not help me at all Edward." He emphasized the 'we' in his sentence. " In fact your presence here is making me sick to my stomach. What I want is for Bella to explain to me how she can care so little about my son that she now has someone else sharing her bed."

"Just wait one moment. You have no right to come in here and accuse Bella of …."

"No right," Rick bellowed, his face becoming even more distorted in his anger. "Peter has been gone for mere months and Bella, who professed to have loved him and was willing to share the rest of her life with him has already chosen to have someone else warm her bed. Don't tell me I have no right to be angry about that."

The movement of Bella sinking into the sofa caught my eye and was the only thing that stopped me from tearing into Rick Woods at that moment. Her hands were covering her face and she looked entirely wretched. His words had hit their mark. She wasn't going to defend herself at all. We had just taken ten steps backwards and I knew it would take a lot of work to get her back to the point we had been at this evening; a carefree Bella who was finally seeing that she had the right to be happy. My yelling at Rick would only make things worse for her and it was not something I was willing to do to her in this fragile state.

"Rick I think we need to calm down here. Bella hasn't done anything wrong and I think if you took the time to think about it you would know that."

"How about you shut your mouth Cullen and let Bella speak for herself." I forced myself to keep my lips tightly clamped so that I didn't lash out at him in retaliation. Rick Woods was hurting too and I was going to have to be the better man in this scenario if we were all going to come out of it with any kind of understanding and pride intact.

_But that didn't mean I would sit here and allow him to throw insults at the woman I loved._

"Bella. Did you ever love my son?" Rick's voice had lowered and he was watching for Bella's response with pleading eyes. Bella's head came up instantly and I saw a glimpse of fire behind those eyes of hers.

_Oh thank god._

"Of course I did. How can you even ask that? Peter was my best friend. The love I have for him did not just stop because he died, Rick."

A slight shudder went through Rick as he listened to her entreaty and for a moment I thought he was wavering in his reasons for being here tonight and then he took another look at me and all the ire came back into his face.

"So even though you profess to love him you've still made the decision to be with someone else, is that it?" Rick's words made me grip the back of the sofa with fidgety hands. How could Bella answer this question honestly when it was something we had been skirting around for weeks or months even? Bella spared me a quick glance and then averted her eyes into her lap.

"Please Rick. I loved Peter."

"Not enough to mourn him properly apparently," Rick stated with derision.

"I have been mourning him. I think about him every single day. I miss him every single day. I hurt every single day."

_And I was trying so hard to help her through it._

"But you still think that it's okay to have a relationship with Edward; to sleep with him and let him make you forget about my son."

Soft sobs were now coming from Bella's mouth and I had had enough. He was hurting her with every word he uttered in her direction and it was beyond unfair. I struggled to rein in my absolute fury at Rick and made my next words come out with as much calm conviction as possible.

"That's enough! Bella and my relationship is none of your business Rick but I will tell you this; we're not sleeping together and the accusations you are throwing at the girl you've always professed to love as a daughter are beyond detestable. Bella has never once done anything to indicate to those of us around her that she has forgotten Peter or is trying to replace him. You owe her an apology."

Could a man's face get any redder than this? "I will apologize when Bella can look me in the face and tell me that nothing is going on between the two of you."

Bella didn't budge and she kept her eyes down as if she couldn't bear to see the disappointment and despair on Peter's dads face. I needed to go to her; every nerve ending in my body was calling out to ease her pain but I was stuck in place by the furious man whose grief had made him irrational.

"You can't, can you Bella? Don't think I haven't noticed how much time you two spend together and the way Edward is always ensuring you're looked after. There's more going on here than you're willing to admit because you know what you're doing is wrong."

Bella was shaking with suppressed sobs now and I quickly placed myself between the two of them to stop his attention from being entirely on her. He would not do this to her. I would not allow it.

"I didn't realize it was a crime to care about your friends Rick. All of us have been trying to help get Bella through this hard time."

Rick's red eyes narrowed in on me and it was apparent that he knew what I was doing; trying to deflect him from Bella. "It's your manner of helping her that is in question here Edward. I've been around for years and I know the look of two people who have just been caught in the act. You two had that written all over yourselves when you answered the door tonight."

My mind was starting to reel with the effort of staying calm and not just kicking him out of the apartment altogether. I had nothing I could say back to him because he wasn't too far from the truth. If he hadn't interrupted, Bella and I would most probably be sharing a whole different experience right now. Bella stiffened in the chair behind me but Rick's fury was now completely on me so he didn't notice her guilty reaction.

"I repeat Rick, that Bella and I are friends and we are all trying to help her heal. If you cared at all for her you would not be doing this to her. Please leave her alone. Can't you see what you're doing?" I stepped aside slightly so that he could see how she had made herself as small as possible on the chair. Rick was not generally a bad person and his grief was all that was propelling him forwards with his need to hurt and get answers. Surely if he could see the damage he was doing to Bella he would stop. I really needed him to stop before I did something I would regret.

"Bella. All you have to do is tell me that James was lying and that nothing is going on between you and Edward." Rick's voice had taken on a hysterical edge and it fully matched my own thoughts as I realized the culprit behind these allegations. Rick had been fed lies from James and unfortunately they paralleled too closely with the half truths that were now being spoken.

Red rimmed, wide eyes now looked up at us both showing the depths of her pain. "I….I can't….. I'm so sorry….." Her stuttering appeal hit me hard and before I knew what she was doing she was fleeing from the room as if some distance between us all would help her raging hurt and guilt. Rick took steps to go after her and I grabbed him by the shirt to pull him back towards me. We found ourselves chin to chin, both edgy in our anger and neither one of us willing to back down.

"You need to back off. She can't handle any more of this." I snarled at him, completely incensed that he could have treated Bella so carelessly and hurtfully. His fists clenched tighter as he raised them to push me away but I was having nothing of it; he needed to understand that I would not let him hurt Bella any more.

"Edward, let go of him," A small voice of reason clashed with my internal musings and I turned my head a little to see the source of it. Alice stood beside Jasper at the doorway looking completely confused as to what was going on. "Both of you let go of each other."

"What on earth are you thinking Edward? Rick, are you okay?" Jasper asked as he stepped further into the room and made his way over to us. I pushed Rick away from me none to gently and he quickly gathered his wits about him to cast a scathing look my way.

"I'm stopping him from hurting Bella anymore than he already has tonight." I answered and everyone froze with my words.

"What? How could Rick possibly hurt Bella? He loves her Edward. You must have misunderstood." Alice appealed as she looked between the two of us, still glaring at one another.

"James has been spouting off lies about Bella and me and Rick thought it was a good idea to come over here and find out for himself what is going on. Instead of being adult about it he came in with blazing guns, accusing Bella of not loving Peter and trying to replace him with me by us sleeping together," My breath was coming in agitated gasps now as I continued to try and control how angry I was that Bella was forced to escape and be somewhere on her own hurting. "….and we all know that accusing Bella of not loving Peter is a ridiculous statement."

"James? You believed James?" Alice challenged Rick as she drew closer. "The same James that Peter had requested not come to his wedding because he found out that James had been inappropriately hassling Bella? The same James that continuously suggests to Bella that she should be with him and tried to take advantage of the times when Bella's grief lead her to do things she wouldn't normally do?"

"What? No way," Rick held up his hands to ward off the words Alice was speaking. "James said that Peter had found out that Edward and Bella were sleeping together and had asked for Edward not to be at the wedding. He said that Bella and Edward had been together ever since and that if I came here tonight I would get my proof."

"And you actually thought that Bella would do that? Cheat on Peter when she was about to marry him?" Alice was now incredulous. "You've known her for years Rick. You know what kind of person she is. You know that she is not capable of hurting someone else like that. How could you even start to think it could be true?"

"I….he said….." Rick shook his head violently to try and clear his thoughts.

"James is a moron who is obsessed with making Bella's life difficult. You've just achieved his goal for him," I wanted to be patient but my quota had all been used up. This man was meant to know Bella and he had fallen for the lies regardless. "Alice, I really think one of us needs to be with Bella. She's incredibly distraught." I wanted to be the one to go to her but that would have given Rick more ammunition to hurt Bella with, so I held back.

Alice gave one last disheartened look at Rick and silently left the room to be with her sister. Jasper and I stood before Rick not knowing how to proceed with this discussion.

"How could you condone this?" Rick suddenly threw at Jasper and we both startled with the shock of how the attention had moved from me to him. "Peter was your best friend. How could you have allowed Peter's memory to be so tarnished with what's going on here?"

Jasper took a deep breath and exhaled to calm himself. "Look Rick. I know you are going through the worst kind of hurt there is. Losing your son is not something anyone should have to experience. We all loved Peter and we all miss him but throwing accusations around like this is not helping. In fact it is going to do so much harm, you can't even imagine. Yes Peter was my best friend. I would have done anything for him and I know that one of the things he would have been counting on was that I helped Bella heal and move on with her life. That is exactly what I am doing; that is what we are all doing. Edward is not the enemy here."

"He's the one enjoying my son's life while my son lies in a grave," Rick spat and his ferocity hit me with its force. "He gets to spend time with the woman that my son loved. How is that in anyway fair? You tell me Jasper because I would love to know."

_It wasn't fair. Nothing about this was fair. It wasn't fair that Peter had lost his life. It wasn't fair that I had fallen in love with a girl who would always have the ghost of Peter riding on her shoulder. It wasn't fair that if anything was to happen between myself and Bella it would hurt other people that we cared about. No, fairness was nowhere in sight._

"You know I can't answer that Rick. All I can say is that everyone is doing the best that they can."

"Just like the two of you did the best that you could to save my son? It's pretty convenient that Edward obviously has a thing for Bella and then you too couldn't manage to save Peter. Get Peter out of the way and you're home and hosed. Perfect."

"Rick!" A gasp from across the room immediately echoed around us. Grace Woods stood there frozen in tortured stillness with her hands up covering her mouth. Alice stood next to her and her face was a picture of fury that I had never seen before. Turning back I saw Jasper's ashen face and knew that he had taken Rick's words to heart. Rick had no idea how this very thing was what haunted Jasper all the time; that much of his counseling sessions revolved around the fact that we could not save Peter from dying. I had often joined those particular sessions because in all honesty I felt the same way. I would never forgive myself for letting Peter down and not being able to help him that day. I still recalled the whole incident with deep clarity during my unsettled dreams at night.

"How dare you," Alice seethed with suppressed emotion as she hurtled towards Rick. "Jasper and Edward did everything possible to save Peter. They hurt themselves in the process and they have had to have counseling to help them through the emotional aspects of what happened. You can't come in here and tell them that they didn't try."

"Well at least they are here to have some kind of counseling. Peter didn't get that choice."

The loud sound of Alice's hand connecting with Rick's face rattled through the air. "Get out of my home Rick Woods. I don't care how badly you are hurting, you don't get to do this to any of us. Get out!"

Jasper quickly grabbed Alice around her waist to pull her back from laying another slap to Rick's face and dragged her, panting with ire, out of the lounge area, whispering words to try and calm her down. That left me alone with Rick and Grace.

"Oh Rick, what have you done?" Grace asked as she wrung her hands together in defeat. "I'm so sorry Edward. I can only imagine what has happened here tonight. As soon as I realized that he was gone I came over but obviously too late. James had way too much to say at dinner tonight and Rick reacted before I had time to talk to him calmly about it."

"You shouldn't be apologizing for me Grace….."

Grace cut him off. "No I shouldn't have to Rick but apparently I do. How could you have done this Rick? Haven't you seen that Bella is finally healing a little bit each day? Don't you know her well enough to know that she will never do anything to hurt the memory of our son? Don't you believe she deserves some kind of happiness?"

"Peter doesn't get any of that," Dejectedness laced his words. I couldn't look away even though the grief was so potent and discernible within his whole demeanor.

"Peter's gone, Rick. We've lost one member of our family. Are we willing to lose Bella too because you chose to believe something she is not capable of? That you're not willing to let her live because Peter didn't?" Grace spoke softly to her husband but he didn't have any come back to her question, although his shoulders slumped and he started to rub his eyes. He cast me an unreadable look and headed towards the front door. She sighed and returned her attention to me. "Edward, I don't know what is going on between you and Bella now but I do know that she would never have cheated on Peter. I also know that Esme and Carlisle would never have raised a son who would do that either. If you are the one to help Bella have some happiness in this life than I want you to do that. Peter would have wanted that too, I know. My husband is not himself right now and I really hope that after a little bit of time that you find it in your heart to forgive him and realize that it was the grief speaking, not actually what he believes."

"Thank you Grace," I spoke, completely humbled by her belief and support. I wondered briefly how someone who had experienced the biggest loss of their life could still have room to be forgiving and giving. She nodded at me and went to follow her husband out before stopping.

"Please let Bella know that I am sincerely sorry and that I will speak to her in a few days when everything has calmed down a little. I can't imagine she wants me barging in there now to talk. Tell her I love her and that I believe in her."

"I will," I agreed and one last thought assaulted my mind and before I was willing to let them leave I had to voice it.

"Grace. I need to know that James will stop harassing Bella otherwise I am going to have to do something and quite frankly I am sure that is not a good idea."

A sad smile lifted Grace's mouth. "I'll sort it out Edward. James won't bug Bella again, I can guarantee it."

" And Grace. Jasper and I….we did everything we could to get Peter out. We didn't just give up on him. I hope you know that."

"I never doubted it for a minute." and then she was gone.

Bella was sitting up against the headboard of her bed when I finally got to go in and check on her, staring listlessly into space. I wasn't sure how to approach her. This night had not ended in the manner that I had wanted for her. She had lost the happiness that had been radiating through her only a couple of hours ago and my greatest fear was that she would now turn away from me in grief again.

"Grace turned up." I sat gingerly on the bed but she refused to look my way.

"I heard her,"

"So you heard that she sends her love and will talk to you soon."

All I got in response was a nod of her head.

"And she wanted me to tell you that she believes in you."

"Well that's not something I deserve, is it?" Bella muttered and my heart sank. I was going to lose her I could feel it.

"Bella, everything he said was wrong. You know that. You would never have cheated on Peter and we all know that you have been mourning his death. You and I have not been sleeping together. He was hurting and he took it out on you because he misses his son. That's all."

"I don't blame him Edward. Rick had every right to be angry with me. I haven't done the right thing by his son and we all know it."

"That's not true."

"Yes it is. I should have known that I didn't deserve to be happy when Rick and Grace are still grieving their loss. I should never have thought it was okay to get closer to you when I should still be mourning."

"Please don't do this Bella. We have done nothing wrong. Peter wanted you to be happy."

Suddenly Bella turned her eyes on me and the depths of her anguish spilled from them so that I almost had to look away. "We would have had sex tonight Edward. If he hadn't turned up we would have taken that step and it would have been so wrong. I don't know what I was thinking."

The twist to my gut was lethal as she spoke those words to me and looked at me with such reproach. I had never wanted to see her soul so tortured ever again and here we were, with it happening all over again. This was my fault for believing that we could move forward when she obviously was not ready for it. I had believed I could make her happy; that by taking my time and being patient I would get her to see that we could have a future together. I was wrong. I reached out to her and she flinched which just confirmed what I already knew. I was going to have to let her go so that she could regain what she had lost tonight with Rick's accusations.

"You regret what happened between us tonight?" Anger was seeping into my tone because it was already evident how this was all going to end and I wasn't ready for that. "You don't want me around anymore?"

"I…..no….yes. Oh god Edward I have no idea how to feel. All I know is that what we are doing is hurting others and I can't be responsible for that. I think it might be better if we cool it down a bit. You shouldn't have to deal with aggression and attacks because you choose to help me." Tears were swimming in her eyes now as she looked at me imploringly.

"Do you think that all I am doing here is trying to help Bella? Are you serious? Do you not understand how much I care about you? I would take anyone's aggression a million times over if it meant I could see you be happy. I want…..no I need you to be happy."

Pain, always pain behind the smile as Bella agreed with me. "I know and you keep giving and giving and I keep taking and taking and I don't think I can do that anymore. I've been selfish. You need to find someone who is not broken; there is always going to be a reason for me not to be happy. You deserve better than that. I can't just ignore what Rick said tonight because some of it was true and that's not the person I am. I'm sorry Edward. No matter how much I want it, I just can't be the woman you want me to be."

Red, hot, blinding anger coursed through my body and I gripped the bed beside me so that I could relieve myself of it before I spoke again.

"You already are; you just choose not to see it." I whispered with regret and Bella's face indicated that she was fighting to retain her own composure. I was going to have to be harsh in order for this to be sorted one way or another and my mind was trying to resist me saying the words. "But I get it now and you're right; I do deserve more than a half hearted relationship with a girl who feels guilty every time she gets closer to me and is willing to believe the first person who comes along to tell her that what she has with me is wrong. I'll give you what you're asking for Bella."

I stood up from the bed and forced myself to move away from her because right now all I wanted to do was take her in my arms and tell her that I was lying; that I would never just turn my back on her and walk away. But this is what she had requested and Rick's confrontation had sealed our fate; she didn't believe in us at all and I could no longer bear the thought that that would always be the way it was. She had to move ahead without me as her crutch so that she would eventually be willing to give herself freely to whoever she chose. Time and space was the only way that could happen.

"So friendship it is Bella but no more of the extras. When it comes to me you won't ever have to feel guilty again."

_Or torn and conflicted._

_Or pressured._

_Or in pain._

Bella's face contorted into a grotesque mask of distress as she took in my words. Her mouth opened and closed silently and I pleaded in my mind for her to say something that would make me take back what I had said so that we could give it another try but it never happened. She shut her eyes against the pain and then reopened them to show me a blank expression. My fingers found my hair and tugged at it to remind me that my body needed to move; that I needed to get out of here quickly before she would see my traitorous tears that I could feel coming at any moment for her unwillingness to fight. When I was almost at the door I turned back to see her fiddling with the hem of her shirt and decided she needed to know one last thing.

"Bella, you might believe that what happened tonight was purely about attraction and that it would have led to sex but it would have been so much more to me than that. I would have given you my everything."

Without acknowledging her reaction to my words I strode out of her bedroom and down the hallway to try and escape. Alice and Jasper were waiting in the lounge area and without breaking my stride I muttered the words that I knew would break my heart once and for all.

"She needs you Alice. I can't be that for her anymore."

And I left in a swirl of emotions that threatened to bring me down to the lowest point of my life.

Fuck. My. Life!


	21. Chapter 21: Coolness

**A nice quick chapter for you all this week **** Reviews are telling me that some of you don't understand Bella and are frustrated with the way she is acting. She has been through a huge loss and she is coping in the best way she can. Hopefully her outlook will change soon. Both of them are probably making assumptions that they shouldn't?**

**Thanks for the reviews – as always I get a real kick out of hearing your thoughts and feelings about what I have written.**

**Cheers**

**Michelle**

Chapter 21

EPOV - Coolness

Life rocks on – it always does, regardless of whether your heart is breaking or if you are in the happiest place possible. Leaving Bella to deal with her issues on her own was the hardest thing I had ever done. I knew she had Alice and the others to help her but it wasn't the same. I no longer got to be the one she turned to or the one she confided in. During the times when we were all together I kept my distance, never allowing her to see that I was dying inside but that meant I could not answer her pleading eyes or touch her when it all seemed too much for her. We were slowly but surely becoming strangers and the reality of that was something I had not imagined could hurt so much.

_I had done that and she hadn't stopped me._

Through Jasper I learnt that Rick and Grace had come over a few days after the incident to make amends with all of them. Rick regretted the way he had attacked every single one of us and explained that he was having difficulty dealing with Peter's death even though months had passed. He wanted someone to blame and James had given him the material to use, even if he knew deep down it wasn't the whole truth. With little thought he had reacted and now he was extremely sorry for the words he had so carelessly thrown around.

_Fat good that did for us now. Sometimes words were the most lethal weapon possible and Rick had wielded his with precision so that he had harmed all of us in one way or another._

Bella had forgiven him, of course, stating that she fully understood how difficult this all was for him and that she never wanted to hurt them; that they were her family. Jasper had followed her lead and accepted the apology with a grace I was not capable of right now. Alice had not been so forthcoming in her acceptance and had told Rick in no uncertain terms that he had a lot to make up for and that he had done more damage than anyone in that room was willing to admit. She would save her decision for a time when Rick actually accepted that Bella was living and she deserved some of the happiness that he had unwittingly made her give up….oh and also when he had the guts to say sorry to one Edward Cullen who had borne the brunt of his tirade.

_God I loved that girl!_

Ricks attempts to apologise to me went completely ignored. I screened my calls carefully and never returned any that were from him. I was not capable of granting him absolution when I felt my world had been turned upside down, at a time when I had high hopes that I was getting somewhere with achieving the goal of Bella's happiness. He had left me with no chance of being with the one person I cared about more than any other. He had stopped her from getting some of the peace that she deserved. This was not something I could or would stand for. I wanted to be the better person and told myself constantly that what had happened was a mistake that I should forgive him, due to the high level of grief and pain involved, but I just couldn't do it. His mistake had resulted in my misery, and more importantly Bellas.

All of Bella and my interactions came through our friends. It didn't surprise me that they managed to find all kinds of excuses for get togethers and group dinners. Each and every one of them had made it clear to me that they thought I had done the wrong thing in giving up on Bella just because of one bad moment with Rick, but what they didn't understand was that it was more than that. I had come to realize that Bella had been using me as a kind of bandaid and had even convinced herself that she could be intimate with someone other than Peter when really she was not addressing the problem beneath it. I had now forced her hand and what she did with that was her own choice. I had probably lost her in the process but at least when she finally did give her heart to someone it would be with a clear conscious and the knowledge that she had done everything she could to get over her first love. With that in mind I attended whatever little arrangements our group made and treated Bella with respect but hardly any warmth. It was hard to watch the way her eyes would cloud over with disappointment and something else I could not name but I managed it…just.

Initially Bella had tried to get me to talk to her about what had happened with Rick and the way we had left things between us afterwards. If ever it seemed like we would go down that road I pulled out of the discussion and made excuses to move away from her. It was somewhat callous and churlish of me but it was the only way I could deal with the decisions we had both made; me by telling her that I would leave her alone and her by remaining silent. I was guarding my heart now because I could no longer meet her needs. Eventually Bella realized that she would get nowhere with me and stopped approaching me for a truce. Instead we fell into a kind of uncomfortable affiliation that had more to do with keeping our friends happy than meeting our own wants.

_Besides I had promised that I would always be there as a friend. My half hearted attempt was at least something._

Keeping tabs on Bella's progress and well being was relatively easy since I had Emmett and Jasper who were determined that I knew every little detail. I knew when she was at her lowest and I knew when she used her strength to pull herself out of that. I was not kept waiting in finding out when she finally got that long looked for job that she desperately needed, nor the times when she had to fend off the advances of men who had no idea of her history. They told me it all, expecting that it would make an impact on my choices but outwardly it didn't. I remained resolute; I was not good for her. Inwardly I mourned that I couldn't help, that I couldn't celebrate, that I couldn't encourage. All I could do was know… and that was nothing if you couldn't act on it.

A whole month of days had passed since that day that had been both the best and lowest point of my existence. We were getting ever closer to the wedding of my best friend and Bella's sister. Plans had been made to have a gathering of celebration for the two of them with friends and family, much like the party Peter and Bella had held before their called off wedding. Emmett and Rosalie had vetoed the idea of bucks and hens nights due to the bad memories it brought up for so many people we were involved in. A room had been hired at some swanky hotel and Alice and Bella had worked hard to make sure it was decorated the way Rosalie had envisioned. I was unsure about this party but knew I had to attend as Emmett's best man. I had a feeling that my will would be tested tonight and I wasn't completely certain I was up to that.

"Relax man. You are giving me the jitters just watching you," Jasper spoke in exasperation and I threw him a dirty look. I had been running my fingers through my hair and tapping my foot agitatedly ever since we walked in the door.

"That's fine for you to say Mr everything is going along just honky dory in my world."

"God Edward. You see her all the time. You've got that whole 'I don't care' approach to Bella down pat, so why are you so nervous tonight?" Jasper's eyes scanned the room, no doubt looking for his girlfriend. "Can't you just give up this whole charade and admit to the girl that you were wrong and that you want to be with her. She would be open to it I can guarantee. She misses you like crazy and she hasn't been the same since you decided that you were going to give up."

"There were circumstances that lead to the 'giving up' Jasper so don't start in on me."

"You're right, of course Edward. Giving up the woman you love because one little barrier was put in the way demonstrates completely how you had no other choice. You must be so proud of yourself brother. I know I am. Watching the two of you pretend that the other has no impact on your lives is draining for all of us who love you. For god's sake, fix it."

He didn't wait for my answer before he strode off in a complete huff. My mood had just dipped even lower if that was at all possible. Cracks were beginning to be found in my relationships with the other members of our group the longer my standoff went with Bella.

"Edward, could we have a quick word," My pulse quickened and tension engulfed my body in preparation of a confrontation. This was one of the reasons why I had not been keen to be here tonight.

"Rick. We really have nothing to say to one another,"

"Look I know I stuffed up and what I said and did was beyond despicable but I really need to make things right."

"The only person you need to make this right with is Bella. Talk to her." I went to leave but he grabbed my arm and I stopped and gave him a withering look.

"I've already apologized to Bella and your brother too. I need to say sorry to you."

"You're apology means nothing to me Rick. The damage has been done," I shrugged away from his hold. "Bella was healing Rick and hopefully your accusations won't stop her from getting back to that point eventually but it's none of my business now because I am not involved. You made certain of that when you entered Bella's apartment that night. I don't care about me but you need to let her lead a life that is not full of judgment. She needs strength and support to move on. You want to do something for me then that would be it. Support her and prove to her that she is doing nothing wrong in living her life. Your opinion matters to her; it means nothing to me."

Knowing eyes met mine and his shoulders slumped as if he recognized something deep within them. "You love her don't you?"

"Irrelevant," I snapped back and he shook his head slowly as I escaped from his apologetic stare. I searched blindly for something to distract me from Rick's sudden awareness and pushed my way through the crowd until I found the bar. I quickly grabbed a drink and threw it back, allowing the warmth of the spirit to seep through my chest once it was down my throat.

"That was obviously badly needed Mr Cullen," A light voice teased as I banged the drink onto the counter and asked for one more.

"Very much so," I answered without even looking at the speaker.

"Well I hope you aren't intending on trashing yourself because we both know that won't help in any way."

"Nope," I said with some reluctance. It would be kind of nice to allow the alcohol to have a numbing effect on my consciousness so I didn't have to face how pathetic my life was now that I had let the one good thing in it go. I wouldn't do it though. I needed my wits about me. "Nice to see you by the way, Jane. I wasn't sure if you would accept Rose's invitation."

"I thought why the hell not. I like your friends Edward and they seem to think I am okay too. It was nice of her to think of me."

Jane had been spending more time with us lately as she and Rosalie had seemed to hit it off on one of her work related visits to the apartment. I had found it comforting to have someone else I could talk to during the awkward moments of having Bella in the same room as me. "They do think you're okay and I hope that you continue to see them after I return to Paris."

"Oh so it's been settled then. You're returning to Paris,"

My answer was a mere nod.

"Are you ready for that Edward? Don't you have things to sort out here before you go back?"

"Nope. Jasper is doing so much better now and I think Alice has everything under control with regards to keeping him in line. I have a feeling that he is going to be moving permanently to New York soon and has applied for a strategic or training position for the military over this way. He can't bear to be away from Alice. That leaves me free to leave after Emmett and Rose's wedding."

Jane's face held sympathy. "What about Bella?"

"What about her?" It took so much effort to put the nonchalance in the question.

Jane rolled her eyes at my attempts. "What indeed?" Thankfully she changed the subject and we began to move around the room companionably as we people watched. Jane's descriptions of scenarios that different people might find themselves in were keeping me amused and for a little while I could forget about the huge elephant in the room.

That didn't last long though because we soon found ourselves face to face with Bella and Emmett. Polite chit chat ensued but I was finding it extremely difficult to stop myself from staring at Bella when she looked so beautiful. When Emmett excused himself to go and find Rosalie I almost didn't catch it because I was remembering the way Bella felt under my fingertips and how responsive she had been to my kisses after the Bon Jovi concert. I had to get a grip of myself. Why was I all of a sudden consumed with those things when I had managed to push them to the back of my mind during my waking hours.

"Hey Bella, I just had a great idea and I can't believe I hadn't thought of it before now." Jane spoke with some smugness in her voice and it instantly had me on alert. "I think I should introduce you to my brother Alec. He would be perfect for you and you haven't had the opportunity to meet him yet. What do you say? I could arrange a little set up; maybe a date even. We could double date; you and Alec and me and Edward. It would be so much fun."

_What the hell?_

Every muscle in my body contracted in rage at Jane's suggestion. A red hue spread across Bella's cheeks and I groaned inwardly. "I….I'm not…ah Jane I am sure your brother is lovely but I'm not interested….that is I'm not dating." Bella looked up at me through her eyelashes as she stumbled through her words, clearly confused about what Jane was doing.

"Oh well. It was just an idea. I guess someone else will come along soon enough and snap you up with what a lovely and gorgeous looking woman you are ," As she said those words to Bella, Jane looked directly at me to emphasise her point and I glared daggers at her in response.

"Um…..okay. I think I might go and see if Alice needs any help. It was nice talking to you both." Hurt and confusion played across her face as she walked away from us.

As soon as she was out of earshot I blazed at Jane. "What the hell was that? Trying to set her up with someone else. Do you think I want to see her with someone else?"

"I thought you didn't care?" Jane retorted with a carefree tone to her question.

I ignored what she said. "and then making out that there was something going on between you and I."

"Again, why should that worry you? She means nothing. You're off to Paris and it would be good for her to have someone back here to rely on; someone who can help her be happy."

"Because there's not and there never will be anything between you and I and because I can't think of her being with anyone else," White dots were showing before my eyes as I attempted to control my temper and then the realisation hit me. "It would literally kill me."

" Yet, you simply gave up on her like she meant nothing. I thought a little intervention was needed to highlight all of the said points, Edward. The two of you needed a wake up call. Maybe the thought of you being with someone else will make her think twice about letting you do what you are doing. Maybe you realizing that Bella is something special and that eventually someone else will want her, will make you see that you are being an idiot. I've got lots of friends that I can set her up with once your back in Paris, if you'd like."

"What? You think jealousy is going to fix this? Jeez Jane. There is so much more than that involved here,"

"Yeah I know. It is called love and neither of you are willing to admit that,"

"Bella does not love me. She's not ready for that at all," I explained through gritted teeth and Jane merely scoffed at me. Desperation laced the next words I uttered. "Jane, you need to promise me you won't throw guys at her. Please I am begging you, don't do that to me. If that is what happens for her, let it not be from your hand."

Jane took a swig of her drink and looked at me calculatingly. "I can't make any such promise Edward. Bella's about to lose the second man she loves in a matter of a year, if she needs my help to get over that I will be more than willing to help." She reached up and gave me two quick taps of her palm to my cheek. "Think about it. Are you actually helping her or making things a hundred times worse?" Without any further ado she melted into the crowd around us and disappeared before I could plead some more.

_All my friends were turning on me tonight._

A small hand grabbed mine and I was pulled towards the dance floor by my brother's better half. Alice's natural exuberance was partly quenched as she faced me and the two of us automatically began to move to the music.

"You're killing her, you know," Alice stated with a small amount of concealed accusation.

"What?" Her comment came from nowhere and the lack of context made me confused for a moment.

"Bella. You withdrawing your friendship is hurting her."

"I haven't done that," I disagreed but deep down I knew she was right "and do we seriously have to have this conversation now, in the middle of the dance floor?"

Alice looked around us and then grimaced slightly, recognizing that this was not the ideal time to talk. I was hoping she would drop the subject and continue to dance with me but as was expected she didn't do what I wanted.

"You're right. Come outside with me," She moved off towards the outside doors and I thought fleetingly of turning the opposite way and not having to face whatever she wanted to share, but then good sense kicked in and I let her lead the way.

_This was, after all, Alice we were talking about and I never wanted to be on the wrong side of her._

Alice's petite form stood before me all tense and she looked at me uncertainly. She sighed several times but nothing came out and after about a minute of her not speaking I lost my patience.

"Spit it out Alice. You didn't drag me out here for no reason at all."

"Jasper told me to stay out of it," Alice said with some contrition and I smiled with very little humour.

"Yeah, because he is doing such a great job of that himself."

"He cares about you, that's all," She defended her boyfriend without pause "and he has grown to care about Bella too and I guess is protective of her since he regards it as his duty for Peter's sake."

I leant against the railing of the verandah we were on and crossed my arms defensively. "Makes sense,"

Alice suddenly changed the subject. "I saw you talking to Rick Woods before. He finally got around to apologizing then?"

I shrugged, not really wanting to revisit that particular conversation. It just made me angry. "He tried,"

Alice looked surprised. "So you didn't accept?"

"He hurt Bella. I find that difficult to forgive. He also basically accused Jasper and I of getting rid of Peter so that I could get Bella. Bella and Jasper might find that kind of crap easy to forgive, me…. not so much."

"I'm not going to tell you all the things you already know about why he did those things; grief can make us crazy and let's face it I would be a bit of a hypocrite, considering I haven't entirely forgiven him either but eventually you will have to. Your families are close; imagine what this would do to them."

"My feelings on the matter have no impact on anyone else,"

"You're kidding yourself if you believe that but that's your business to deal with when it comes. I know you think that Bella doesn't care about you the way you care about her and that she let Rick get to her too easily but she did fight in your absence I promise."

"I know Bella doesn't care about me the way I do because I am actually in love with her. She only holds love for Peter and I accept that. I always knew that and I was willing to be there for her anyway. When she starts being hurt by my presence that's when I have to make the hard decisions."

"You and I see very different things then Edward because Bella has shown me over the past month just how much you mean to her. She even went up against Rick once she found out what he has said to you and Jasper that night."

"Jasper didn't tell me that."

"Jasper didn't see it. I however got to see the full extent of her anger when she dragged me over to Grace and Rick's place after I had to explain to her what had happened and why I was not so easily able to forgive him when he apologized to all of us. She hadn't heard his accusations against you boys, only the affair business. To say she was angry does not even remotely describe it."

Alice went on to describe how Bella had told Rick in no uncertain terms that whilst she could understand and forgive him being upset with her for possibly moving on so quickly after Peter's death, that she would not condone his words to Jasper and I. To accuse us of such a horrible deed was beyond despicable and he needed to ensure that the two of us were not damaged by it. We were Peter's friends and suggesting that we were anything but helpful up until the end was disrespectful to Peter and the men Rick knew us to be. Apparently Rick had been extremely remorseful and surprised at the level of fury Bella could demonstrate but agreed to do anything in his power to make us understand that he had said those hurtful words in a moment of passion; not that he actually believed them.

"Bella's answer was '_good because those two men are important to me and have done everything possible to help me through the worst days of my life. I will not have them slandered when they don't deserve it. I am proud to call them my friends and I know Peter would be too.' _She was so adamant , Edward and I loved her even more for having the guts to let him know he was in the wrong."

Alice completed her retelling and waited for my response. All I knew that I was feeling somewhat relieved that Bella had stood up to Rick for us; for me. I had thought she had heard everything that was said and that she was okay with him making such an allegation. Now I knew differently and it helped to know she would be willing to fight him on that particular thing, if nothing else.

"I didn't know that."

"Probably because every time Bella has tried to broach the subject with you and discuss what's going on you've done a runner. She gave up, Edward because she said she was causing you nothing but trouble and angst and you obviously had had enough. How can you fix things up if you won't even talk to her?"

"I talk to her." I defended myself and was about to continue when she cut me off.

"Not about anything meaningful." Alice quipped. "Edward she cares. She really does. She just doesn't understand yet the depth of it. We can all see it and I am sure if you let yourself hope, you would be able to see it too but it is definitely there and when she finally allows herself to ignore the guilt and the expectations of others it is going to hit her like a ton of bricks exactly how much she loves you. She is going to need you to be there for her when that happens."

Considering her words to be the truth did not come easily as I had been telling myself for the past month that my feelings were one sided and would always remain that way. The possibility of Bella loving me was almost too much to take in.

"I don't know what to say to you Alice. I don't believe her feelings are that strong. I know she cares but anything else is heresay."

"Tell me that when the time comes you'll be there for her; that you are willing to wait for that time. I know I am asking a lot Edward but she is my sister and she deserves to be happy more than anyone else I know. You are going to be her happiness."

Alice was putting so much faith in me and I was going to have to admit that I couldn't meet her request. I pinched the top of my nose and took in a deep breath.

"I would do anything for Bella, you know that. It was the only way I could walk away from her because I knew she needed me to, to give her some sense of herself but things have changed now. I leave for Paris a few days after Emmett and Rose's wedding. The decision was made last week and besides giving up my job entirely I have no choice but to go. My responsibilities are taking me elsewhere; I don't see how I can wait around and lose my job on the off chance that Bella might come to realize that she might love me and want to be with me. I am sorry Alice, I really am but it is probably best to leave things as they are. I refuse to put any more pressure on Bella than what I already have over the past few months. I tried to be patient but it wasn't enough. In the end she thought what we had between us was wrong."

Alice looked as if she was going to cry as she whispered "Jasper didn't tell me you were leaving that soon."

"He doesn't know. I was going to wait until tomorrow to let you all know because I didn't want to put a damper on this evening. Alice , it will be fine. Bella will be fine; she is so much stronger than she gives herself credit for."

"I agree that she is strong. She constantly proves that to us on a daily basis but I don't believe she honestly thinks what the two of you have is wrong. She is going to be devastated when she finds out you're going back to Paris but you're right…..you can't stop your life on a possibility. I am sorry for asking you to do that."

I pulled Alice to me and placed my hand around her shoulder as I gave her forehead a chaste kiss. "Don't be sorry Ali, you are her big sis and I love that I can trust that you will all be here to look after her when I no longer am. I wanted so badly for this to be different but Bella isn't ready for that yet. I do love her and I really want what is best for her; unfortunately that is not me at this time. I just have to deal with that."

"You're wrong but it's Bella's job to tell you that, not mine. We are all going to miss you so much Edward. Thank you for everything you did for Bella and for Jasper. He is going to struggle without you around."

"Alice, I love Jasper too and I promise if I didn't think he would be alright with me leaving I wouldn't be going. Him moving to New York to be closer to you is the best idea and I trust that the two of you will look after one another. If either of you need me you know I will be here, I promise."

Our conversation petered out as we took in each other's words and soon we returned inside to join the celebrations again. Alice agreed to let me be the one to tell everyone I was leaving and promised that it was something she would keep to herself. The two of us found our friends to mingle with but I was entirely distracted the whole time thinking about what Alice had told me and the prospect of leaving for Paris. I was so distracted that I didn't notice Bella and Rick approaching me as a united front and by the time they were next to me it was too late for me to evade them. As if by magic the others around us disappeared and I was left alone to contend with whatever they wanted to throw my way.

Bella was the first to speak. "Edward I know that neither of us on your list of favorite people right now but Rick really needs to sort this out so I am hoping that you will hear him out."

Alice's words sprung to the forefront of my mind, reminding me that Bella had not let him get away with what he did with regards to Jasper and I. I took solace in that and faced the two of them with a little more forgiveness than I initially had. Rick took in the difference within my stance and quickly made good on his apology.

"Look Edward. The night I came over I was in a really bad place and the thought of everyone moving on from Peter's death when I was having so much trouble doing so was driving me mad. I have known you and your parents for a long time and I should never have even considered that you and Jasper would not have done everything possible to help my son when he needed you. You were brought up by good people Edward and well…..you and Jasper are good men too. A mere apology is never going to be enough for the harsh things I said that night…..to you…..or to Bella….but I am sincerely hoping that we can try and move on from this."

One quick glance at Bella told me that she was solely focused on me and my answer. Her beautiful eyes were begging me to accept; to move on from this so there was some sort of closure and I was going to grant her at least this one thing.

"Thank you Rick. If Bella feels she can forgive you, then I will back that up. I'd actually like to forget that it even happened to be completely honest."

"I would also like to thank you Edward. Grace has brought to my attention just how good a friend you have been to Bella and Bella obviously cares a great deal about you. My interference has made things worse, it appears, and I sincerely regret that. Whatever wall I have put up between the two of you I hope that you can find it in your hearts to break it down again because life is too short to lose the important things. We all know that first hand."

Bella's face became stoic as she looked everywhere but at me. Rick left us and I fidgeted on my feet wondering what to say to Bella now that we were alone.

"I suppose I should leave you alone to enjoy the rest of the party but thanks for forgiving him Edward; I was finding it hard to be around him knowing that he hadn't made things right with you. What he said….well it just makes me so angry and I hope you know I have never thought that of you…..never."

"I know,"

She gave me a small smile and started to turn around to leave also but changed her mind. I had come to know every little nuance she had and I knew she had something on her mind that she was going to get off her chest.

"I don't know how we got to this point Edward but it's not what I want. I know it can't be helped because of the way I am but it is important that you know something."

She stepped closer to me and her soft touch was on my shoulder for the first time in ages and the feel of it was indescribable. I tensed up from the assault on all my senses as she brought her lips closer to my ear and then whispered softly into it.

"I was wrong that night, Edward." Her breath caressed my earlobe and the sensitive place just below my ear. " It would have been so much more than sex for me too."

And before I could even comprehend the meaning behind her words she was gone.


	22. Chapter 22: Candid

**Thanks for reading and reviewing!**

**Enjoy!**

Chapter 22

BPOV - Candid

Absolute silence engulfed our little group as Edward made his announcement and waited for some kind of response. Everyone, besides Alice, sat stunned and I felt the uncomfortable feeling of their glances landing on me. With a sense of dread I concentrated on Alice's face and her sympathetic and half guilty gaze told me what I had already worked out; she had been fully aware of this before now and somehow Edward had convinced her not to tell any of us. The nauseated feeling in the pit of my stomach was very quickly becoming one of anger but I still managed to keep my poker face on as his words echoed over and over in my head.

_He was leaving. Edward was going back to Paris. _

"I guess this was bound to happen eventually," Emmett broke the awkward silence "We've been lucky to have you here for this long. Any other company wouldn't have given you the option to stay for so many months and still keep your job."

Six head nodded their agreement but I couldn't get my own to move to join in.

"When?" Jasper questioned and I felt sorry for him as he worked up the courage to ask the question that he really didn't want the answer to. Of course he had been used to being apart from Edward over the years, given his own deployment and Edward's job, but this time it was different; this time they had been relying on each other in ways they had never had to before.

Sadness was very evident in Edward's voice as he answered. "Three days after Emmett and Rosalie's wedding. My flights are booked for next Tuesday."

Alice's hand found Jasper's and he took it with gratefulness. They looked at each other with small sad smiles and then he nodded at her which indicated that he was okay. I risked a glance at Edward to see how he was reacting to their unspoken communication only to find him looking at me with a tortured expression. I quickly ducked my head so that I could not be undone by the questions in his eyes. This was hard enough as it was without me breaking down and pleading with him not to leave me. The past month had made things different between the two of us and I no longer had any say in his life at all.

"Well, we will still all keep in touch, right?" Angela spoke with forced cheeriness and everyone's exclamations of how true that was and of courses only served to make me more despondent. It seemed that everyone's confidence in Edward's friendship was a lot stronger than mine right now.

"And you'll come back for visits?" Ben offered to reinforce that all was not as bad as it seemed.

_Visits? How often? In six months? Once a year? Every second year? Oh god._

"Of course I will," Edward conceded and again he looked at me. He was speaking again but I filtered it out. Even though I had been expecting this to happen for a long time I had not been ready for the reality of him not being around at all. The nausea rose again and I quickly excused myself saying I had somewhere else to be as my chair screeched on the café floor. I ignored the sound and blindly made my way out of the place where we had all met for Edward to deliver his news. I vaguely heard my name being called from behind me, probably from one or both of my sisters, but I had to get out of there before I revealed the extent of my concern and refused to halt my escape.

The fresh air gave me a little more clarity as it hit me on leaving the café. I did not slow down though as I rushed across the road to lose myself in the natural surroundings of Washington Square Park. I took little notice of the children playing or the old men challenging one another in a game of chess. All that I could concentrate on was the fact that Edward was leaving and that my chest felt like it was being squeezed tightly from the inside. When I reached the fountain I allowed my body to stop and actually take in what had just happened by sitting on a bench and trying to take in deep breathes.

_It was going to be okay. I was going to be okay._

_And how could that be true when things had just gone from bad to worse?_

The past month had been hard, really hard without the friendship that I had grown so accustomed to. Edward had made it quite clear, after our words, that he could not be a friend to me the way we had been. He had become distant and barely spoke to me unless it was in the context of my sisters and our friends. He was never rude or unfriendly; just removed and somehow that was so much worse than if he had yelled and raged at me. Alice had encouraged me to talk to him and make things right again after I had revealed to her what we had said to one another and how I regretted it almost the instant I had told him that what we had been doing together was wrong. He did not give me an opportunity to get that close or to even apologise. I saw how badly I had hurt him and all I wanted to do was make it right for him; to wipe away any harm I had inadvertently laid upon him but I never got the chance. Eventually I told myself that he was better off without me and I played along with his game of being friends that weren't really friends.

_It hurt like nothing else I had ever known_.

Last night's party had brought everything to a head with the whole Rick situation. A part of me resented that Rick's interference had made me lose someone as special as Edward but that was nothing in comparison to how I felt when I found out he had accused Edward of letting Peter die to serve his own purposes. My guilt at my own contribution to him even remotely believing such a horrible thing was the only thing that held me back from disowning Rick forever. I told myself over and over again that he was a parent who had lost the person he loved the most in the world to a tragic accident and that he needed understanding, not my judgement. I still did not allow him to believe that blaming Edward was something that I agreed with or would accept him saying and as a result Rick had tried to make his own amends with Edward.

It didn't happen!

I had run into Rick after the very disturbing conversation I had had with Edward and his friend Jane about double dating. The hurt was probably very much evident on my face as Rick asked me what was wrong. There was no way I was going to tell him that Edward's friendship with Jane was making me jealous; I hardly wanted to admit it to myself. Luckily Rick let me forgo an explanation and merely wanted me to understand that he had tried with Edward again tonight to make things right and had been rebuffed by an extremely angry and bitter man. I reiterated to Rick that Edward had every right to still be angry with him but his return remorseful look was so similar to Peter that I relented and the two of us went off in search of Edward together. Thankfully when I found him he was with Alice and some of the others and I made a beeline for him with Rick in my wake. As if understanding that this was something that needed to happen everyone disappeared leaving Edward alone and fully at my disposal. He didn't seem comfortable with that situation at all.

My presence forced him to listen to Rick's proclamations of lamentation and he even accepted them after a glance at me. When Rick began to thank him and then proceeded to ask us to break down the walls between us I had not known where to look. He was too close to the truth; Edward and I had been moving towards accepting that there was something good and precious between us and now we were acting like strangers who were only friends because our families were. I couldn't take it anymore and I had resolutely spoken up to let him know it wasn't what I wanted. Rosalie had pointed out to me that if I wanted to make Edward listen then I would have to choose my words carefully and not give him the opportunity to flee as soon as I talked of what was happening between us. My words needed to be concise and to the point. I needed to make him understand what I was feeling with very few words and then walk away from him to make him contemplate. The prospect scared me but I chose to do it anyway and when I placed my hand on his shoulder and felt the warmth of his body through his shirt and it gave way to the vision of the two of us intertwined and kissing with a strong instinctual passion the last night we had interacted properly, I knew exactly what he needed to hear.

"I was wrong that night, Edward." His breathing hitched and his body became a statue of icy tension. "It would have been so much more than sex for me too."

I hadn't waited for him to answer or show how he felt about my words. I had left the party and made my own way home so that I would not be tempted to push the issue further and possibly ruin the element of surprise I had laid on him. I wanted him to acknowledge that he wasn't the only one to feel so strongly about what had happened that night. I wanted him to know that even through the guilt and accusations that he was something exceptional and above all else I wanted him to forgive me for making him feel anything less than that.

It seemed to have been too little too late because Edward was leaving and my words had not helped in anyway what so ever…..

…..and that brought me to this place in time where I sat on a park bench and tried to let my brain soak in the fact that I was about to lose him completely and there was nothing I could do about it. I refused to let the tears escape that I could feel pricking at the back of my eyes. I was sick of crying and I was sick of feeling lost. Instead I consented to myself feeling the anger again; at least that was more manageable than the pain and if I had to feel anything at all it might as well be something that wouldn't send me into a prolonged period of mourning for something I could never have. The rage slowly burned within me. What had I done to deserve such rotten luck? What was it about me that meant I was not entitled to some kind of break from heartache and despair? How on earth had I allowed myself to care about a person who so obviously was always going to leave anyway; who was always going to be out of my league because I was a broken girl who could never give him what he deserved?

He chose that moment of my self-doubt and my rising resentment to sit beside me. I did not acknowledge his brooding company in any manner even though I felt him with every sense I had. He remained silent and introspective and I fought to give him the same back, knowing that I was fighting a losing battle because his patience was so much better than mine. After way too many minutes I finally broke and my icy words were flung at him with annoyance even though I couldn't look at him directly.

"What do you want Edward?"

"To know that you are alright." He stated simply.

_Hang onto the anger, Bella. You can get through this with the anger._

"I am as alright as I have been over the past month of pretending that we are friends Edward. Why should anything change now? You leaving will probably just make things easier; at least we won't have to pretend anymore."

The look of distress on his face was not something I could readily watch so I turned my own head away from him and tried to discard the look from my memory bank. If he cared so much why had he ignored my attempts at a reconciliation; why was he leaving me now?

"Bella…..please don't. We are friends; we don't need to pretend that. The only pretense I can see is the two of us making out that there is nothing more than that between us."

"I disagree. Nothing about the past month indicates we are still friends except that you have to hang around with me because of our families. Why are we even having this conversation Edward? You are going to Paris and our friendship, or lack of it will mean nothing one way or another over there."

"That's not true Bella and you know it." He sounded defeated and it made me want to reach out to him and make it better but I couldn't do it; I wouldn't do it. I grasped the agitation instead and went on the attack.

"How do I know that? You've spurned all my attempts to make things right between us. You've conspired to get away from me by going back to Paris. You tried to get Jane to organize a date with her brother so that you could no doubt palm me off to someone else and not have to worry about it after you were gone. You've done your job Edward, so well done. You helped charity case Bella get through her grief and angst and now you are free to live your life as if I don't exist."

"What. the. hell?" Edward's stance was no longer in any way relaxed or defeated. In fact he appeared imposing as he tried unsuccessfully to control the fury in his voice. "You actually believe that I planned to go back to Paris because I want to be free of you? That is just ludicrous Bella and what is even more ludicrous is that you seem to think I had anything to do with Jane trying to set you up with someone else. Never, ever would I be a party to that. I can't even begin to fathom the thought of you and some, some…..fuck I can't even think straight right now. You are doing my head in. I don't see you as a charity case Bella; I never have and as for being free to live my life as if you don't exist….that is a fucking impossibility."

Neither of us was touching the other but we were so close now that I could actually feel the anger rolling off him in waves and his face was mere centimeters away from mine so that I was peering straight into the depths of deep emerald green. He took stock of our nearness and moved backwards to alleviate some of the tension.

"You were the one who said what we were doing was wrong. I gave you what you asked for….space. This was about what you wanted and needed, not me; definitely not me."

I didn't answer him; I couldn't. His accusation was entirely true even if I had said those things in the midst of a volatile situation. He sighed when I gave him nothing in return.

"Last night you said that you had made a mistake; that if we had have gone further that night it would have meant something to you to. Is that true?"

Panic gripped me. I didn't want to follow through on those words now, knowing he was leaving me and there was no chance that we would be in that situation again.

"What does it matter? Things have changed now."

"Bella I need to know," He was pleading with me now. "Did you mean it?"

"Why? Why are you making me say it? It won't make a spot of difference. You will be there and I will be …..here. How will those words change anything? It will only make it hurt more"

Edward looked at me in exasperation and for a brief moment he closed his eyes against the heartlessness I was demonstrating.

"Because it is pretty obvious how I feel about you Bella and the only reason I haven't said it is because I didn't want to put any more pressure on you than there already is. I've tried to show you in so many ways how important you are to me and I believe that deep down you feel something for me too. It might not be the same as what you had with Peter, but it is something anyway and if you could just admit to it then it would make all the difference."

Intense gazes were exchanged as I took in his words. How could he say it would make a difference? How could he put that kind of pressure on me when he knew I was at breaking point? Admitting how I felt should not be done like this; as an ultimatum or in a time of angry exchanges. My fist found its way to my mouth and it was almost as if I was trying to stop a scream from leaving.

"I can't…..I can't give you what you want right now."

His head lowered and his shoulders slumped as if he was carrying the heaviest weight in the world on them. When his head eventually came back up his face was smoothed into a mask of composure and only because I had come to know him so well was I able to see the hurt that rimmed the outskirts of it.

"I know and I am sorry for forcing the issue Bella. I had no right. It would seem that me returning to Paris is in the best interests of us both." He moved another step back from me and it was very apparent that this was where our conversation was ending. He desperately needed to escape me and I completely understood where he was coming from.

"It might be but I wish you weren't going anyway." That small bit of honesty was all I could give him.

Iciness was Edward's choice of protection as he continued moving away from me. "Well you can't have it both ways Bella. It just doesn't work like that."

Preparation for Rosalie's big day was the only thing that kept me sane over the next week. Edward remained aloof and unapproachable but luckily there were very few instances where I had to endure his withdrawal from me because Emmett and Jasper monopolized all of his time. Too many times I fantasized about letting Edward know that I returned the feelings he had yet to openly voice and that I wanted him to remain with me here in New York; not be away from me in Paris but then my sensible side would come into play and I would remind myself that I was being selfish in using his emotions to keep him by my side when I still had things to work through. I was spiraling out of control with the confusion and my nights had remained sleepless.

No one had mentioned Edward's impending departure to me and I was sure it was because they thought I would not be able to handle it. Surprisingly my altercation with Edward in the park had not been brought up or discussed with anyone and it was something that both worried and relieved me. I thought I was going to escape the heart to hearts about what I was doing until Jasper cornered me in our apartment. He was obviously serious because he even endured Alice's squealed admonishments that he should be getting ready with Emmett, Edward and Jacob over at Emmett's apartment and that he was eating into my time of beautifying. He had held firm and told Alice that he promised to give me back to her in one piece but there was something he needed to discuss with me first.

"What is this about Jasper? Surely it could have waited until after the wedding."

"Probably, but I might have chickened out by then and this would never be said, and it really needs to be said Bella."

Not sure what to say to that I remained silent and nodded my head to let him know to continue.

"I love my brother, Bella and not only because he is my flesh and blood but because he is one of the good guys. He is the one who will do anything for anyone; he is the one who puts others needs ahead of his own; he respects people and he genuinely cares."

"You won't get an argument from me on that Jasper. I see that in him and more. I know he is worthy of your love."

"But he's not worthy of yours?" Jasper was trying to say those words with some semblance of gentleness but it didn't work. They sucker punched me in places I didn't even now I could be hurt and I was blindsided by the accusation that Jasper was willing to hide, even if it was unsuccessfully. I took in a deep breath realizing that I needed to go forward with care.

"It's not about my feelings for him. He deserves to be happy with a person who can give him every little part of herself. I'm not that person."

Jasper clasped his hands in front of himself and gave me a candid look of speculation. "He deserves to be with the woman he loves and that is you."

"Jasper please don't do this. I am having a hard enough time keeping myself together for Rose and Emmett's day as it is without this to add to my confusion. Edward will return to Paris and he will meet someone special and I will just be a distant memory of a girl he once knew who caused him more trouble than it was worth."

The look of sympathy in Jasper's eyes was relentless. "You are so far off the mark it is not funny Bella. You will be a memory for him…yes…but not a distant one. Everything about you will taunt him with what could have been. He has never, ever given his heart to a woman before and he has handed it over to you without you even recognizing or accepting it. That is not some inconsequential thing he has done Bella. You are it for him."

I gasped at the implications behind Jasper's words. "I…..Jasper…you are making huge assumptions there…..Edward has never….he would have…..he is only attracted to me…I have no idea what I'm saying but if he felt that way surely he would have told me and we could….."

"He has told you in very thing he has done for you Bella. He has been caring, he has stayed close by, he has given you things that he knew would make you happy, he has been incredibly patient with anything you've thrown his way and most of all he is willing to walk away because he thinks that it is the best thing for you; not him – you." Jasper ran his fingers through his hair and it was so reminiscent of Edward's normal reaction to stress that I closed my eyes against the vision. Every word he had said was tinged with undeniable truth. Besides actually saying the words Edward had made it quite clear to me that he cared beyond mere friendship.

"Jasper, is this really something that you and I should be discussing?" I was a coward and I wasn't going to acknowledge Jasper's attempt to see what I had done to his brother.

"Nope. Definitely not something that you and I should be discussing and if Edward knew I was doing this my life would basically be forfeit but I can't just stand by and watch the two of you make the biggest mistakes of your lives. The two of you should be having this discussion but it won't happen because he is too stubbornly set on giving you what you need and believes that he is second best anyway and you….you're too busy trying to do what you think is right by everyone else but yourself and Edward."

My incredulous glare made a red tinge appear across Jasper's face and he looked down for a second as if he couldn't believe himself he had been so outspoken.

"That's unfair Jasper. Losing Peter and then having to accept that I cared for someone else so quickly has been no walk in the park for me. How do you think Peter would feel if he knew about this?"

Jasper sighed heavily and some sort of decision seemed to be made by the looks on his face. "Peter already knew Bella. He knew there was something special between you and Edward and he made Edward promise that he would be there for you; that he would make you happy. He tried to force Edward away from him so that you would have Edward to help you live the life Peter wanted. He was so sure that Edward could be the one for you. You're not betraying Peter by caring for Edward; you are actually giving him what he asked for; what he made Edward promise."

Tears were now running down my face and Jasper took a step towards me as if he wanted to give me some kind of comfort. I held my hand up to stop him from getting any closer.

"Peter did that? Edward did that? He never told me," My words were whispered and then my emotions got the better of me and I lashed out with very little restraint. "He should have told me. Edward had no right to keep that from me; neither did you."

Jasper appeared regretful. "I'm sorry Bella. Edward did not want you to be forced into something you did not want just because Peter was the one to initiate it. He thought you would be hurt by Peter's assumptions and Edward would do anything to make sure that didn't happen. He loves you for you, not because Peter told him he had to. No doubt he wanted it to happen the same way for you."

All kinds of thoughts were running through my mind. _Peter had made Edward promise to make me happy. Edward had not been honest with me. Jasper was certain that Edward was in love with me. Peter thought I had the capacity to love again after losing him. Peter was convinced Edward was the one. Edward had made the right choice by not tellin_g _me because I had no doubt I would have pushed him away; regardless of what Peter had said in his final moments, being with Edward would have to be my choice and his words took that away._

"Edward knows me too well," I retorted and Jasper sighed in relief that I seemed to be okay with what he had just told me. "If I had have known this information I would have run away from Edward, rather than too him. It would have been too much pressure to deal with on top of everything else. It wasn't up to Peter to determine my feelings and how my life ended up."

The confused expression on Jasper's face told me he didn't understand. "He was only trying to make sure you'd be okay, Bella. He wasn't trying to run your life. He merely understood that Edward was a good person who was obviously in love with you. Peter loved you enough to ensure your happiness."

I was humbled by the love Peter had demonstrated in selflessly asking Edward to watch out for me but it didn't take away from the fact that it had added a whole other level of complication to my already befuddled mind. Edward knew me well enough to protect me from that. I could no longer be angry for him for keeping it from me.

"I know that Jasper. I was lucky to have had such a caring man in my life."

Jasper gave me a sad smile and it brought me back to our initial discussion and the realization that I needed to get back to my sisters to get ready for the wedding.

"Look Jasper. I appreciate your candidness and I know you are looking out for your brother but right now I have to concentrate on making sure this wedding is everything Rosalie and Emmett want it to be. I'm not really sure what you want me to do? I'm not really sure what I can do."

Hours later, as I stood at the end of the aisle and deliberately tried to look everywhere else but at the object of my desire, Jasper's answer ran through my head over and over.

"_Tell him the truth Bella. Tell him you love him. Make him want to stay."_

And without any real intention my eyes strayed from his shiny black shoes up the crisp and precisely ironed suit that he wore with such devastation and rested on the perfection of his face. My breath hitched in awe as I noted the intensity of his gaze as our eyes met across the distance. His lips lifted slightly in an encouraging smile but I almost missed it because I was so mesmerized by what I saw in his eyes.

_Pain, regret, uncertainty, pride and above all else adoration. This man loved me. It was there for everyone to see and it left me reeling._

Because now I was completely and utterly lost and the only way to fix it was to take that one final step towards what I had trouble admitting I needed.

_Edward…..always Edward._


	23. Chapter 23: Breaking Silences

Chapter 23

EPOV – Broken Silences

Seeing Bella standing at the end of the aisle did all kinds of crazy things to both my mind and my body. She looked absolutely exquisite; all understated elegance and beauty. I could see nothing but her as she stood waiting shyly for Alice to complete her stroll down to us at the altar, making every attempt not to let her nerves get the better of her. I watched in anticipation as she suddenly directed her glance at me and her gaze became unfocused and uncertain. It hit me like a ton of bricks that I was the cause of her frozen state. Something was wrong. I could see it in the strained expression on her face and her inability to move forward was worrying, for so many reasons. Her eyes locked on mine and she was searching for something tangible to hold onto. I had no idea what it was but I gave her the most sincerely encouraging smile that I could muster. She needed to walk down that aisle so that Rosalie could follow and my best friend could marry the woman of his dreams. Just because that would never be in my future now did not mean that I wanted anything less for Emmett.

_Come on Bella. You can do it. Please babe, just walk towards me._

As if she had heard my silent entreaty she began to move and a smile graced her features as everyone's attention was on her. I knew they could all see what I did; that she was the most beautiful creature in the room and that she was entirely ignorant of that fact. Her eyes never left mine as she took her place beside Alice and the other bridesmaid, who I knew to be one of Rosalie's friends from work, and the hesitant smile she sent to me gave me a slight sense of hope that maybe for today at least we could forget about the drama and just have a good time celebrating our loved ones good fortune. She drew in a deep breath as I returned her smile and then reluctantly moved her head to face down the aisle. I followed her lead to find a resplendent Rosalie standing beside her father, waiting to make that last walk towards the man she had every intention of loving for the rest of her life.

_If only it was so easy for all of us._

Emmett's dazed "My god." rang through the small group of us who were closest to him and looking around the group I saw everyone's faces light up at his unthinking response to seeing the beauty of the woman who would, in a matter of minutes, be his wife. When I caught Bella's attention we both grinned and I impulsively winked at her to show that I understood her joy for her sister and her friend. I felt it too. These two belonged together and no one would dispute that, as their guests watched Rosalie slowly drift in a cloud of contentment towards her future. As Charlie relinquished his daughters hand to pass it over to Emmett, there was absolutely no doubt that he did it knowing that Rosalie would be truly loved by the very best man possible. Emmett and Rosalie radiated love and elation as they stood waiting for the minister to begin the service.

"Ladies and Gentlemen... it is a joy and a privilege to welcome you and to share in this service of marriage. We come at the invitation of our friends, Emmett and Rosalie and their families. We also come in response to the greater invitation of our Heavenly Father, who we recognize as the creator and sustainer of all life. The one whose nature is that of the perfect parent desiring that his children be gathered about Him in our moments of significance and One who desires to make his presence felt within our being today and all our lives."

The service continued as the minister spoke of marriage and love and the manner in which it should be played out. The whole time Rosalie and Emmett held each other's hands and gave soft smiles when certain words were uttered by the minister. It was humbling to see how much this moment meant to my two friends and I couldn't help but think how this was something I would most likely miss in my own life because the one person I could see myself sharing it with did not feel the same way. There was no possible way I could even contemplate the possibility of there being someone else. That was extraordinarily frightening to admit.

_I had learnt in so many ways that life did not play fair sometimes._

My wavering attention was brought back to reality when the minister spoke Bella's name and she moved gracefully towards the podium. With a cleansing breath to control her nerves Bella spoke clearly to the congregation as she read the words of love that her sister had chosen for her and with bated breath I allowed the soft timber of her voice to envelope me.

"The miracle of love is like the miracle of the flower; it thrives upon the sunshine of a smile...it entwines itself around the heart. Its roots are secured in the memories of yesterday and its petals breathe the promise of joy-filled tomorrows." Bella paused to throw a loving smile towards Rosalie and Emmett and as she proceeded with her reading I heard her voice hitch before she determinedly carried on.

"To be loved is to know happiness and contentment." This time when she stopped it wasn't to direct her attention to the bride and groom but rather to me. My heart started racing as she gave me a look laden down with so many things I could not understand. She quickly looked back down to the paper she was shakily holding so that I couldn't delve further into what was making her react in such a way.

"To give love is to know the joy of sharing oneself. It is through the miracle of love that we discover the fullness of life."

She finished with a woosh of air and the people around us gave their own small sighs of approval at the words she had conveyed with so much meaning. I couldn't tear my gaze from her but she gave me only a fleeting look as she zoned in her attention to Rosalie and Emmett who were nodding and smiling in thanks for her reading. She gave them a timid but heartfelt smile in response and moved back to her place beside Rosalie. When she peeked at me she appeared to be entirely unfocused and if I hadn't known otherwise I would have said there was a trace of longing in her glance.

_The emotions of this day were definitely getting to me._

The minister was speaking again and with a whole lot of effort I concentrated on his words knowing that any moment I would be expected to play out my part of the ceremony.

"Emmett and Rosalie, will you be married partners? Will you stand by your chosen one no matter what happens; will you respect the other, seeking to understand, welcoming their love all the days of your lives?"

Both Emmett and Rosalie nodded. "We will." 

The minister looked out across the congregation and spoke loudly so that all could hear him clearly.

"Will you, the families and friends of Emmett and Rosalie give them your blessing and your support? If so , please say "we will" 

The words resounded around the church and all of the bridal party beamed at one another at the exuberance of it.

A small prayer was given and then the minister indicated that it was time for the vows. Rosalie spoke first and her words came across with heartfelt certainty and love for Emmett.

"On this amazingly special day I take you Emmett as my best friend and husband for life. I want to always be there to encourage you and support you, no matter what. I promise to stand by you and uplift you through the good times and the not so good times. I promise to work at our love and never take it for granted. I will always be honest and open with you so that misunderstandings will not get in our way. I will always be the one laughing with you and enjoying what we are lucky enough to have together. You mean the world to me and I could never imagine a life without you in it. I love you freely and without one iota of doubt Emmett McCarty so….. I will always cherish you for as long as we both shall live."

Emmett's adams apple was working overtime as he attempted to keep his emotions in check when Rosalie spoke of her love for him. On my left I felt Jasper fidgeting and noted with little surprise that he was looking at Alice with a whole lot of emotion as well. She smiled brightly at him and with sudden clarity I knew it wouldn't be too long before these too followed Rose and Emmett's lead in joining themselves together in a more formal way. I risked a small look at Bella to find that she had tears welling in her eyes and was fighting them back as she watched the bride and groom with loving respect and concentration.

_This day must be so hard for her._

The thought made me determined to make things better for her and for one night ignore the hurt and pain her rejection had brought to me so that she could have a half decent time of celebration. She didn't need my brooding to confuse her anymore; she didn't need to wonder if she was making the right decisions or not. She just needed to be.

"Rose…from the very first time I saw you I knew you were something special and the fact that we've got to this point; where you've agreed to be my wife….well that just blows me away." A small tittering of laughter could be heard and Emmett grinned like a fool at his soon to be wife.

"Your beauty, your strength, your loyalty …..god, Rosalie everything about you belies that I even remotely deserve you but we're here and…." He motioned to all the people who were gathered to celebrate with them " … I have witnesses to the fact." More laughter and Rosalie shook her head in amusement at the very Emmett way he was saying his vows. "so all that is left to do is to make sure that for every single day of the rest of our lives together I let you feel my love for you and know that I believe that without you I would never accomplish half of what we will achieve together. You will always be my priority and nothing will change the way I feel for you. I love you and I promise….I always will."

Rings were exchanged, kisses were had and soon Bella and I were signing the document that was Rosalie and Emmett's formal proof that they belonged together for the rest of their lives. When the minister announced that Rosalie and Emmett were husband and wife the congregation cheered in celebration and the two of them could not keep the bright smiles off their faces. They left the church amidst much laughter and congratulations and when Emmett pumped his fist and yelled 'She's my wife. It's time to party.' I knew we were up for a wonderful night of commemorating the love Rosalie and Emmett had for one another and for the first time in ages I actually felt I could have a good time.

#####################################################

During the photos I found a small window of opportunity to speak to Bella alone and I took it with open arms because I wanted tonight to be free of anything but happiness for all the people I loved; including Bella herself. The photographer was guiding the happy couple into positions that would result in great photos and the other members of the bridal party were busily having their own conversations so I nervously indicated to Bella that I would like to move aside and have a quick word. She followed me instantly and soon we were out of earshot of everyone else, although I did see Alice give us a contemplative look which was followed by Jasper also glancing our way. I chose to ignore them. Bella was the important one here.

Before I had any time to instigate the conversation Bella was talking.

"Edward I wanted to apologise for my behavior at the park and probably for even before that. You did not deserve my anger and I want you to know…"

My fingers found her lips and gently stopped her words. I cursed silently for making that slight touch to her as it only filled me with a longing that had no place right now but I pushed the thought aside and concentrated on what I wanted to say to Bella.

"Please don't Bella. Today and this evening are all about Rosalie and Emmett. They deserve to have us behind them one hundred percent, without all the drama of the past few weeks leaking into their special day. They only get one of these days Bella. You and I only get this one opportunity to be what they want of us. They need to see us being civil with one another and demonstrating the friendship that will always be there between us, regardless of the hurtful things we've said before."

"But I….Edward I need to tell you….."

"Please Bella. Please just for one night can we forget that there are so many negative things happening between us? Can we be the friends I know we are and enjoy one last time together that is not bogged down in how we feel or what is going to happen or why we feel guilty. I promise we can talk before I leave on Tuesday. You will have my undivided attention to get off your chest whatever you need but for tonight can it just be you and I having fun and giving the two people we love the night of their lives while we enjoy it ourselves? Please."

Something flashed in her eyes at my pleading tone and words. For a moment I thought she was going to disagree with me and argue the point. I sincerely balked at that idea because I truly needed this one last period of time with her, without the barrier of negative feelings trailing our every movement.

"Okay. I agree. Tonight let's just have fun together Edward. I've missed that with you."

Her words were like a soft balm on my soul and I allowed my eyes to thank her for the reprieve she was giving me. I knew there was no way I could get through tonight if I had to listen to her tell me one more time why it couldn't work between us. I had already accepted that but I didn't need it driven home at a time when I was meant to be celebrating with my best friend. There was only so much that a man could take.

"But tomorrow I really need to talk to you." Bella stated with conviction and I nodded to let her know that I agreed with that.

The rest of the photo shoot went by without incidence and gradually Bella and I relaxed with one another to laugh and interact in a much more positive way. When the photographer requested a photo with the three Swan sisters and Jacob, Jasper grabbed my arm and pulled me aside.

"What's going on? You two are actually on speaking terms again."

"We've called a truce for the night," I answered simply as I watched the tempting blush that made it way over Bella's face as the photographer spoke to her about something he needed. It was hard to concentrate on Jaspers words when there was such a captivating picture in front of me to admire.

"Just for the night?" Jasper asked with a little bit of agitation in his voice.

"Um yeah," I responded and looked at my brother in confusion. "We've agreed to talk but we're going to do it another time."

Uncertainty was very marked in Jasper's response. "Was there nothing else said? Don't you think you should discuss how you both feel?"

"What? No! I already know how she feels and it's not enough for it to make any difference. Tonight I want to forget all the crap and just enjoy her Jasper. It is the last chance I am going to get and I want to have good memories of her, not ones tainted by bad feeling and words that shouldn't have been spoken."

Jasper looked as if he wanted to argue and I gave him a look to show that I meant business. He held his hands up in submission and muttered as he walked away from me. "Okay, okay. It's your decision but I think you're making a mistake about not getting it out there in the open. Just saying."

Jaspers words haunted me as we moved through the night's proceedings. Bella and I were interacting in a positive way and it gave me a good sense of well being that we were capable of that even after everything that had happened, but what Jasper had said made me feel that I was being dishonest. I couldn't shake the feeling that he knew more than he was letting on and that I might regret not allowing Bella to talk to me earlier. I searched the room for Bella and found her standing next to a girl I didn't know and watched with greedy eyes as she threw back her head and laughed heartily at whatever the girl was saying. The action made me consider that what we had agreed on was worth it; it was good to see her naturally happy and not be bogged down in the mess that was our relationship. Even if it was only for one night things were the way they should be.

Dinner came and went and the speeches were made amongst lots of laughter. Alice spoke about Rosalie and the relationship that all three of the Swan girls had and there was hardly a dry eye in the house when she finished and the three girls clasped each other showing their undeniable love for one another. I made my way through a speech as Emmett's best man and regaled the guests with many stories of fun times had with a man whose zest for life was second to none. I finished off by letting everyone know that I thought he had chosen the best woman possible to spend the rest of his life with and offered a toast up to her and the three bridesmaids. As I held my glass up and as the people around me did so too I couldn't help but fix Bella with a look of longing and she answered it by blushing daintily but never moved her gaze away.

A small awkward moment came when it was time for the bridesmaids and groomsmen to join the bride and groom in dancing but Bella overcame that by straightening her back and taking my hand in hers. When she turned to me so that I could gather her in a dancing hold the feel of her body against mine was almost too much of exquisite torture and for a moment I thought I was going to flee from the feeling. It was Bella who held me back with a small sigh of contentment leaving her lips before she could stop it. As she melted into my embrace I came to the realization that she wanted to be in my arms; that no matter what she said to the contrary her body naturally felt the same pull as mine did and that she felt comfort being close to me. I resolved not to ruin the moment by pulling her even closer than she already was but once more people began to join us on the dance floor and everyone's attention wasn't solely on the bridal party it was extremely difficult not to relax into the warmth of her body entirely.

"Bella….."

"Hmmm" The breath that escaped as she made that sound caressed my neck with delicious tendrils of excitement. I closed my eyes so that I could experience it more fully.

"This is…..this is nice." I stammered, wanting her to know but frightened that it would send her fleeing. She moved her head back and searched my eyes before placing her forehead against my shoulder.

"Yes….yes it is." She whispered as I placed my cheek against the side of her head so that I could feel closer to her. Nothing more was said and I decided that here and now was the memory I was going to take with me when I left for Paris; this feeling of complete rightness, contentment and closeness.

The song finished and a new one took its place. Bella did not move to put any kind of distance between us so I kept her in my arms and enjoyed the euphoria of simply holding her, even whilst beating back the prospect of emptiness that would occur once she let me go. We continued that way for a while, completely unaware of what was happening around us until a voice interrupted our moment and I had to reluctantly take in my surroundings.

"Do you mind if I cut in," Jacob questioned, tongue in cheek and merriment in his eyes.

_Hell yes I do._

I gave him a look that told him what my thoughts were and he chuckled a little before answering my non verbal response.

"There's an incredibly beautiful woman over there who wants to dance with you. She made it worth my while to come and take my sister off your hands."

Bella flinched within the arms I still had wrapped around her and I began to caress her back in small soothing circles to alleviate the tension that had surprisingly sprung up with Jacob's words. I didn't bother looking in the direction he indicated, where the mystery woman was, and spoke to Jacob in clipped tones that he apparently found quite amusing.

"Well you can tell the said woman that I am more than happy where I am right now thanks."

"Actually I'm pretty sure she is not used to being told no so I'm leaving that all up to you. Just give me one dance with Bella, Edward. You can have her back afterwards, okay."

Bella peeked around my shoulder to find out who was so keen to get my attention and suddenly her body relaxed and a slight giggle came from her mouth. I swiveled my own head to see why she was laughing to find Camille standing with a cheeky grin on her face and waving her fingers at me in a welcoming manner. I shook my head, realizing that Bella and I were about to be forced apart by our younger siblings and there was nothing I could do about it without revealing the extent of my need to have Bella by my side.

"Hmmm. I think you are right there Jacob. Camille doesn't even know what the word no means. Seems that you and I have had our dance, Bella." Her face dropped in disappointment and I had to work overtime in telling myself that there was no underlying message in the way she was behaving. I moved my hands so that they were on either side of her face and leant to give her a gentle kiss on her forehead. "Have fun," I quickly moved away as I inclined my head to her brother. "Jacob."

As I took Camille's hand and guided her onto the dance floor I noticed her arched eyebrow and expectant look.

"I gather that you're not too happy with me right now big bro,"

"Whatever would make you think that Camille?" I asked laconically and looked over to see Bella and Jacob laughing at both of their attempts to slow dance with some kind of poise. She was definitely not like that when I was holding her, I thought with some conceit.

"Was she really that hard to let go," Camille questioned with interest and I sighed at the notion that we were talking about more than just one dance now. Camille might be young but she was more than aware that I was behaving in an unusual way when it came to Bella.

"Yes," I stated shortly and Camille squeezed my hand in understanding.

"How are you going to leave her to go back to Paris then?"

I literally growled at my sister and shame filled me once I realized it. "I don't want to talk about that Cam. Tonight I am trying to forget about my reality and just enjoy the fact she is letting me anywhere near her. "

"My apologies then Edward. I wanted a dance with you before the fast music came on. It's my last chance before you're off to Paris and we return to Forks. I miss you when you're not around you know and that is way too often." Camille smiled at me with love and respect shining in her eyes. My own stance softened and I pulled her closer for a quick hug.

"I miss you too sis but this is the job I chose and besides leaving my loved ones behind for chunks of time I really do love it."

"I know, I know," Camille rested her head on my shoulder very much like Bella had before her but the feeling was so completely different that I guiltily wished Bella was back in my arms. I berated myself knowing that my sister deserved a little of my time and I shouldn't be thinking otherwise. "It's just that …..oh never mind."

I lifted her chin so she was looking at me. "What Camille."

"It's just that I overheard mum and dad talking about you and Bella and Jasper basically said that you loved her and I was hoping it would be enough to make you stay in the states."

I gave Camille a half crooked smile, muttering softly. "It would have been enough ….but sometimes love just doesn't work the way we want."

"Well that is nothing but a travesty." Camille pouted at me with sympathy.

"Undoubtedly,"

###################################################

Fresh air was what I needed because I had become aware that even though I had been the one to request it, I was finding it difficult now not to just lay all my cards on the table and tell Bella that I wanted her and to hell with Paris. I was about to explode with the need to take her away from the reception and get her to admit that she felt something for me. I was under no disillusion that it would be the same overwhelming love I felt for her but she definitely felt something; everything she did and said tonight was telling me that even if she was fighting it. Was I willing to be her second best just so I could remain close to her? It was a question I wasn't sure I had an answer to.

Tonight's proceedings had been a whole lot of fun and enjoyment. We had danced, joked, talked and more often than needed, we touched. There was something in her eyes that told me she was trying hard to let go with me and completely enjoy this time together before I left. What did that mean? Was it out of guilt or the need to apologise or did she actually feel something stronger for me, as Jasper and Emmett kept alluding to. I knew she was attracted to me; that was more than apparent with the way she had responded to the very few kisses we had had but attraction was not all I wanted from her. I wanted her completely; body, mind and soul.

_Could I settle for anything less?_

The stars were bright this evening as I escaped the confines of the room and sought the peace of the outside balcony. I leant against the railing and listened to the muted sounds of laughter and music that was coming from inside. I sighed deeply into the darkness of the night and raised my beer to my lips as I thought about what I was doing. I had been working so hard to turn myself off from my emotions and the underlying hurt these past weeks that when I finally let myself relax and be normal with Bella it had hit me that there was no possible way I could convince myself that Paris was not going to be a prolonged nightmare for me. To not see her, or touch her, or take in her mannerisms and the natural scent of her was going to be my complete undoing. I was willing to do it because she wanted and needed the distance between us but shit…..it was going to be hell; one that I wasn't sure I would survive if I was completely honest. I groaned in self reproach; what was I meant to do?

The quiet click of the glass doors that led to the balcony alerted me to the fact that I was no longer alone. I hoped that the person who was coming out to disturb my attempt at sorting through my thoughts and feelings was not expecting some kind of conversation. I did not have it in me right now. However it wasn't long before I recognized the normal hum of anticipation that tantalized me whenever Bella was near. She stood silently next to me and looked into the sky with a calm expression on her face. She looked like an angel standing there allowing the moonlight to bathe her in soft light and a small whimsical smile gracing her lips.

"The night sky always makes me feel so incredibly small and insignificant," Bella noted softly and I had to bite my tongue so that I wouldn't blurt out that there was nothing insignificant about her at all. "It makes you realize that all the little things that we get bogged down in are really nothing in the big scheme of things."

She turned her head a little towards me and smiled and my breath caught as it always did when she was willing to give me that gift. She moved her hand to cover the one that I was tightly holding the railing with as if she understood it gave me strength.

"Do you think Peter is looking down at us Edward?"

Her question startled me and I almost pulled my hand away from under hers. She clutched at it with more determination and looked me straight in the eye. I had no way of answering her without sounding like an idiot so I remained silent.

"I think he is and I think he would be incredibly happy to see Emmett and Rosalie finally get married." She paused and looked at me with a tender expression. "I also think he appreciates what you've done in trying to follow his last requests."

"What? How did you…. Jasper," I hung my head with the realization that Jasper had finally resorted to going behind my back to let her know what Peter had asked of me. Indignation raged through me. How could he do that to me? How could he do that to Bella?

"Don't be angry Edward. He thought I had a right to know and at first I thought so too but now…I understand why you kept that to yourself, I really do. What Peter said was gallant and loving but realistically it went against what he knew of me as a person. He had no right to lay that on either one of us and if I had have known, it would have made things so much more confusing than they already were."

My eyes searched her face as I tried to take in her words. She was not angry at me for keeping this information from her and seemed to even understand my reasons for doing so. We were way more in tune with each other's thoughts than what I had given us credit for.

"I never wanted you to feel pressured Bella. I didn't want you to have false feelings because of something he asked of you."

Her gentle reply was not what I expected. "Did his request give you false feelings because you felt your own kind of guilt? I understand if that is what happened but I would prefer to know honestly." She was questioning my feelings for her and that hurt. I had been so careful with how I approached her and showed her that my feelings ran deeper than friendship.

"Bella, Peter knew I was lost to those feelings before he made the request. I believe it was the only reason he was willing to do so."

Bella stepped closer to me and her very essence called like a siren when I was trying so hard to do right by her. "I'm sorry Edward. I'm so sorry that I've put you through all of this."

"I….there is no reason…..for you to apologise Bella. Obviously it wasn't meant to be and we have to live with that."

Bella's eyes flicked downwards in submission to my words and her small gasp of hurt was picked up by my oversensitive ears. I wasn't willing to move because I knew as soon as I did it would be to take her into my arms and kiss her in the most possessive way possible. She looked up at me and I could see the tears teasing at her eyelids and with remorse I traced the pads of my thumbs beneath to stop them from falling.

"I'm sorry I've made you think that way Edward but would you consider…..could you possibly….." She looked down again and I had to gently make her face rise to look into mine again.

"What Bella? You know whatever it is I will do it for you."

She was badly blushing now and my fingers moved from under her eyelids to place the back of my hand against the heat that rose from her cheeks. It was bliss and oh so hurtful to know that this was probably the last time I would get to touch her so intimately.

"Could you…..please…kiss me? I need to feel you…I really do." Her whispered words were my undoing and I didn't think about the ramifications of what she was asking or the reasons behind it as I slowly lowered my head to place my lips against the warmness of each cheek . Her skin felt so incredible and I lightly moved my lips until they were at the corner of her mouth and I could feel her erratic breaths mingling with my own. When I fully covered her mouth she sighed silently and I felt her body's tension calm immediately. With very little restraint I turned her so that her back was to the railing and my body was completely pushed against hers. She had found my shoulders by now and was clinging to them, desperately trying to remain upright against my onslaught. I kissed her with as much tenderness as I could, not wanting to reveal to her my desperation in knowing that this would be the last time I could show her my love through touch, taste and sound. We clung to one another through the explosion of feeling that kiss was eliciting and small whimpers of lust and love were being relinquished into the night air as we lost ourselves in moist lips and warring tongues and the oh so delicious sensation that this is what we should be doing; that this was so completely right that there could not possibly be any other way.

With a whole lot of reluctance I gradually softened that kiss and dipped my head into the softness of Bella's neck. Our breathing was coming in small sharp gasps and it was hard to concentrate when we were both so affected by the power of that kiss.

"God Bella. I love you so much. I know that I shouldn't and I know that it's not what you need from me but I can't help it. I love you and I can't ever see that changing."

Dread sat in the bottom of my chest as I uttered the words that I had been trying to hold in for so many months. I did not want to see the sorrow within Bella's eyes that she would not be able to hide. She was too good a person to take what I just said in and not feel bad about her inability to give back in the same way. I knew she cared about me but it was never going to be enough and the hopelessness of it all hit me as I took in the last ebb and fall of our emotional ride.

_Please let her forgive me for this. Please let her understand._

When I finally looked up and saw the widened eyes of the girl I had just professed my love for I knew that I had done the wrong thing. She was trying to say something but words were not leaving her mouth and that told me everything I needed to know. She could not respond because she had no idea how to. Something in the pained look I was giving her must have forced sound from her.

"Oh. my…Edward. I…..you really do and I…..I…want so badly to tell you…."

"It's okay Bella. I've known all along that what I felt was not something you would ever feel. I had accepted it and hoped that with time something would change but now I know. For you Peter will always come first…..and I know you care….just not enough. I don't want to be second best Bella. I know it's selfish but I want all of you, not just the bits that Peter left behind."

"Edward you don't understand…Peter has nothing…"

A burst of excited laughter and reprimands came through the glass doors and I guiltily stepped away from the close embrace Bella and I had been sharing and we both looked at Camille and Alice in shock.

"There you two are. We've been looking all over for you. Emmett and Rose are about to throw the bouquet, etc so that they can leave for the night. You two need to get your butts on in there to finish your duties for the night." Alice ranted before taking a closer look at us and narrowing her eyes. Before she could ask the question Camille was speaking.

"Yeah and Bella, just be warned that I am going to rumble you and Alice for that bouquet – it is mine. I can feel it."

Bella looked at me as if she was a doe in headlights with her fingers up against her swollen lips and her eyes pleading for me to understand. I could do nothing but give her shoulder a quick squeeze. I ignored the girls who were still tittering away at us and leant in to Bella. "It's okay Bella. I understand. We'll talk tomorrow. We're okay. We can still be friends I promise."

I made a hasty getaway past the girls and very vaguely heard Bella call after me. "I don't think you do. I l…."

Her words were completely lost to me as the door closed between us.


	24. Chapter 24: At the Heart of it

**I am loving the reviews I received and thank each and every one of you for them. It is nice to know that you are enjoying the story even through the frustrating times.**

**A big huge thank you to Tinkrbell23 who I can not reply to but who has, over the past few weeks, given me a review for each chapter as she has read the story so quickly. Thank you for doing that – I can't tell you how much I appreciate you taking the time **

**Not long before the end now. **

Chapter 24

BPOV – At the heart of it.

Edward Cullen told me that he loved me!

And it was such an impassioned and emotional proclamation that my heart felt like it had stopped and the air had been pushed out of my lungs so that I was completely and utterly at a loss on how to function….

…. yet the moment passed and I flailed about within my own mind trying to find some way of responding to him that would show him that I felt strongly for him too. When he finally looked at me his face was etched with so much pain and regret and it hit me that it was me that had put that there; that I had caused him nothing but hurt in all the time we had known each other. How could I have done that to him?

"Oh. my…Edward. I…..you really do and I…..I…want so badly to tell you…." Nothing was coming out as I wanted. I seemed paralyzed in my attempt to reach out to him and tell him he was not alone in this.

"It's okay Bella. I've known all along that what I felt was not something you would ever feel. I had accepted it and hoped that with time something would change but now I know. For you Peter will always come first…..and I know you care….just not enough. I don't want to be second best Bella. I know it's selfish but I want all of you, not just the bits that Peter left behind."

His words hit me like a battering ram as I began to understand that Edward's perceptions of how I felt were so skewed. He believed that the reason I couldn't admit to my feelings was because of not loving him to the same extent as I had Peter. Nothing could be further from the truth and it was that fact, along with the guilt, that made it so difficult for me to let go and give in to the plethora of emotions I held for Edward.

_The way I felt for Edward, far outweighed anything I had ever felt before and that was my undoing. My mind didn't want to accept that even though my heart already had._

"Edward you don't understand…Peter has nothing…"

We were interrupted of course; when were we not? Edward's attention was no longer on me and he wasn't taking in what I was trying to tell him. Alice and Camille came through the door like twin winds of a hurricane and Edward moved back from the close proximity we had been in only seconds before. I could feel the shock on my face as I took in Alice and Camille's' excited demeanors. The two of them began speaking and I registered that they were talking about Rosalie and Emmett leaving and the need for Edward and I to be back inside with them. My mind screamed against their bad timing and I reached up to touch my slightly tingling lips. His kiss had burned me with its passion and depth of longing. He had held back from me but I had felt it anyway. He was going to walk away from me before he knew that I understood what he was trying to tell me with that intimacy.

_Please Edward….don't leave me. Let me explain._

His quick touch of comfort was not nearly enough and if it wasn't for the presence of the girls I would have forced him to stay and listen to me there and then.

"It's okay Bella. I understand. We'll talk tomorrow. We're okay. We can still be friends I promise."

I went to clutch at his hand to keep him with me and force him to hear what I was going to say but he was gone before I had the chance to make contact. "I don't think you do. I l…." I might as well have not said anything as the door closed between us and the words died on my lips.

"What are you saying?" Alice asked giving me a considering look. She stared at the closed door that had hidden Edward from our view and then turned back to me. "Did we just interrupt something important?"

I sighed heavily and merely shook my head in the negative. Camille had already started to drag us inside, all excited about the prospect of catching the bouquet and Alice gave me an apologetic look as if she knew I needed to talk to someone. I pinned a smile on my face and went over to help Rosalie with her last minute preparations for leaving. I looked across the room and saw Edward and Emmett in a hearty embrace of mateship. Of course this was the last time the two of them would see one another for a while given Rosalie and Emmett were heading off on their honeymoon tonight and Edward would be leaving for Paris in a couple of days time. The two best friends were taking the opportunity to say their goodbyes and there was no way I was going to interrupt that now. Edward and I would get our chance to talk and I would make it clear that he was wrong in what he believed.

_I just needed to get my own courage working as well._

The night wound down and soon Rosalie and Emmett were giving their final goodbyes and entering the car that would take them to the airport for their late night flight to the Caribbean. We all waved and cheered as they left and until they were no longer in sight. Alice and Camille were admiring the bouquet that Alice had actually managed to beat Camille to while Jasper stood by them laughing at the superstition that they were both so willing to fight for. I looked around to find Edward but he was nowhere to be seen. Jake leaned down and whispered in my ear and I felt the blush come forth without wanting to acknowledge it at all.

"He just took a phone call and headed that way sis. When are you going to get yourself together and make sure he understands how you feel?"

I glared at my little brother and he simply smirked back. I made the quick choice to move in the direction that Jacob had indicated but every step I took was somehow interrupted by well wishers and people who wanted to ask how my night had been and tell me how beautiful all of us had looked, etc, etc. By the time I reached the other side of the room Edward had completely vanished and even when I stepped outside I could not find him anywhere. Half an hour of patrolling the rooms and balcony areas of the reception area, along with finding my phone so that I could try and call him without any answer, I finally gave up and accepted that tonight was not our night for fixing things up. Tomorrow was going to have to be it for us. Jasper and Alice found me and let me know that they were heading home and after saying my own goodbyes to my family and friends I left with them. Neither of them had any clue about what had happened to Edward but assured me that if he said he was going to talk to me tomorrow he would no doubt hold to that promise. Thankfully neither of them asked me why I was so concerned about having a conversation with Edward but Jasper did give me quite a few meaningful looks that I had to believe demonstrated his lack of understanding about me not doing it already. I couldn't explain it at all; circumstances and my own fears had resulted in a terrible lack of communication between Edward and I tonight.

Sleep did not come readily that night and when I finally succumbed to it my dreams were filled with swirling images of Edward and Peter both pulling at me in different directions and my own whimpering as I tried to do the right thing by both of them. By the time I woke up I was in a frightful state of confusion and desperately needed someone to talk to. I tiptoed out of my room hoping that somehow Alice might have managed to drag herself out of bed early so that I could talk to her, but I was greeted with complete silence in the apartment so that I knew Alice and Jasper were still firmly entrenched in their own bed. I could not bring myself to disturb their slumber. I had to think of another way of getting my head straightened out. With a growing sense of urgency I quickly went back to my room and changed into jeans and a long sleeved tee shirt, grabbed my keys and my bouquet from the wedding and silently exited my apartment.

I knew exactly what I needed to do.

##############################################

The quietness and stillness of a beautiful, early morning seemed to calm me a little as I made my way through the well kept yard towards the one tombstone that I needed to see. Reaching the place where we had laid Peter to rest all those months ago, I bent down and placed the bouquet of flowers in the small vase we had chosen to sit by his grave. I reached forward and lovingly ran my fingers across Peter's name engraved into the stone.

"They finally did it Pete. Rosalie and Emmett got married yesterday and they couldn't be happier." I paused for a moment and then changed that thought. " …..except of course if you had been there to celebrate with them. I think any one of us would have done anything possible if that could have been the case."

I sat down in front of the gravestone and sighed deeply, not sure how to continue. Visiting Peter's grave had been an important ritual for me over the past months but I had never endeavored to talk to him as I was about to.

"The flowers were from my bouquet Peter. I thought that somehow if you had them here with you, you would feel like you were a part of it all. Rosalie looked absolutely beautiful and Emmett…well he was gorgeous too and his vows….Peter, you should have heard him….he loves her so much and the whole day was perfect for them…..it really was."

A few minutes passed in near silence and all I could hear were the birds chirping in the nearby trees and the distant noise of traffic. The peace was soothing but it didn't completely take away from the inner turmoil I was experiencing at being here right now, needing to talk to Peter in a way I wasn't sure anyone else would understand. With the small amount of courage I had in me I brought my head up and began to talk.

"I don't know what to do, Peter. Edward told me that he loved me last night." I choked on the words a little. "The thing is Peter, I couldn't say it back to him even though he deserves more than that. I care about him….in fact I have quite strong feelings for him but I can't get away from the fact that I am betraying you for feeling that way. When you died I did not think I could ever feel happy again; it seemed so impossible. You were my best friend, you accepted everything there was to know about me; the good and the bad. You were so much fun to be around and you supported me in everything I chose to do. You were the perfect partner Peter and the idea that anyone else could ever come even remotely close to you was way beyond my comprehension."

Tears escaped my eyes as I tried to let Peter know how much he meant to me. "But now you're gone and I have to keep living my life. I try to be happy because I know that is what you wanted for me but it is so incredibly hard. I smile because people expect it, I function because it is the only way to move on from losing you, I've tried to make everyone around me happy by showing them that I will be okay but the truth is…"

"….I'm so lost and confused. The one person who does make me truly happy is a man I had no right to fall for in the first place and even with him I can't let go completely because there is always the constant guilt. I'm not sure what to do. He is leaving in a couple of days and this is my last chance to make a decision one way or another."

My head dropped onto my raised knees and my hair surrounded me in a kind of cocoon that only made my confusion and grief seem even more pronounced. With the knowledge that I had no right to be uttering my next words, I did it anyway.

"Tell me what to do Peter. Give me some kind of sign that loving him doesn't have to be about betraying you; that you won't hate me for it; that I can give him what he needs but won't ask for because he is too selfless. Help me please."

My voice had become almost inaudible as I sent him my final plea and all that followed was more silence. I berated myself internally as I stared uncomprehendingly at Peter's grave. What on earth was I thinking to come to my dead fiance's grave to get some sort of permission to love another man? I was clearly losing my capabilities to make sensible decisions and I felt like I had just laid another low blow on the man who would always hold a special place in my heart. I stumbled slightly as I made my way to my feet and brushed the debris from the seat of my jeans.

"I'm sorry Peter. I shouldn't have asked." I placed a soft kiss on my fingertips and leant down one last time to move it against his engraved name. "You know I loved you and that will never change. Be at peace."

With sluggish movements I turned, only to freeze completely as I took in the silent person who stood behind me looking at me with such sorrowful eyes. Darting furtive glances between myself and Peter's grave the eyes changed and I saw determination overtake the sorrow. I flinched, not knowing what this meant for me.

"You asked for a sign Bella? It seems that you and I need to talk."

########################################

Numbness. All I felt was numbness.

It was one thing for me to have poured out my heart and soul for Peter at his grave side but another thing completely to have burdened the person sitting across from me now with my emotional outburst and needy pleas. I wrapped my hands around the hot chocolate in front of me in the hopes that it would alleviate some of the numbness and force me to face what I had just done. I reluctantly lifted my head and spoke with a whole lot of trepidation.

"I am so sorry. I can't even begin to tell you how bad I feel right now."

Clear blue eyes met my own and it surprised me to see that I had startled her. She gave me a half smile and took a sip of her own drink. We were sitting in the cemetery café that she had dragged me to silently and she had been preoccupied with looking out the window, rather than seeing me, ever since. I couldn't blame her. She was probably pretty much disgusted with me right now.

"What for?" She shook her head and continued. "For coming to my son's grave for answers that you can't allow yourself to acknowledge? I don't think you need to apologise to me Bella. It actually warms my heart to know that you still think enough of him to need him and want his advice. I find myself doing it sometimes too I must admit. Peter had the amazing capacity to think things through properly and point you in the right direction. I miss not having him here to still do that and on occasion I've brought my concerns here, exactly the way you just did. No Bella. There is absolutely no reason to apologise."

Her warm hand engulfed mine and I squeezed back in understanding and also in appreciation for her lack of judgment. I still had no idea what to say though. It must have been hard for her to hear what I had said about Edward and my confusion about what to do.

"How much did you hear?" I asked tentatively.

Another sigh from her but she did not relinquish her hold on my hand. The blush that was now rising to my face was due to the worst possible embarrassment that I had ever felt. I wasn't sure I was going to forgive myself for this one.

"Enough to know that you don't know what to do about the feelings you have for Edward and enough to know that you care about my son a great deal. The thing is this Bella….Peter is inadvertently holding you back from finding happiness…real unbridled happiness that very few of us get to experience and I can guarantee that that would be the very last thing he would ever want to do to you."

Eyes brimming with tears I searched Grace's face for any sign that she was angry about this but there was nothing except love and understanding.

"I know but…..but this is….I can't … it's too soon…I think I'm in…" I couldn't continue with that sentence. It was all kinds of wrong to say it in her presence.

"In love with Edward?" Grace questioned in a soft voice. "I know you are Bella. It is nothing to be ashamed of. He loves you too. It is very apparent to those of us who care about you both."

My mouth gaped open with the need to deny what she was saying but it was a useless gesture because she was telling the truth. I loved Edward and he had admitted to loving me and if what Grace was saying bore only honesty, both our families were more than aware of it and were waiting for some kind of resolution on the matter.

"I can't lose both of them Grace; Peter and Edward. It would be too much. Edward has no idea how I feel about him because I've been petrified of what it means to admit it to myself, let alone him. If I don't tell him he will go to Paris thinking that I don't care and I will lose him forever. If I do tell him I am basically giving up on what I had with Peter and I am not ready to let go of him completely or be that shallow girl who flits from one relationship into another. It's not me Grace and yet here I am contemplating doing exactly that and it will be Edward who gets hurt in the end when I can't deal with what I've done and I just can not do that to him. I am continuously hurting him. I have no idea what is the right thing to do and I am so, so tired of living like this; judging myself constantly and always coming out as the bad person in my own mind."

Grace moved quickly to my side and threw her arms around me in consolation and I allowed her warmth and calm to trickle through to me as I sobbed against her shoulder.

"You poor girl, Bella. This has been so hard on you and something that is so pure and good as loving someone special should not have this level of difficulty behind it. You are not a bad person Bella. You are an amazing, strong woman who considers everyone else around you before you look after yourself. You have been lucky enough to love twice and you need to take that luck and make it into a lifetime of happiness."

Incredulity raced through my mind. "How can you be so calm about this Grace? I am sitting here telling you that I am in love with someone else who is not your son and you are telling me to go with that. I don't understand. I hate myself for it; surely you feel hurt by this too?"

"Oh Bella. I know Peter is my son and I love him with every piece of my heart and soul but sweetheart, he is gone and as much as that pains me to say, it is the simple truth. You however are still here and I have always considered you as the daughter I never had and I want you….no….. I need you to be happy. That's all I've got left. I've witnessed the connection between you and Edward. I've noticed the way he looks at you when he doesn't realize others are watching. His adoration and need to protect you are always there for anyone who is willing to really look. His love for you is no simple infatuation; it is so much more than that. When I see the way you try so hard not to be drawn to him the way you naturally would be if circumstances were different, it literally breaks my heart. True love is not something to be ignored or squandered Bella. If God or fate has decided to put him in your path at this moment in time it is with good reason and I am not willing to second guess it."

"Grace I want to believe what you're saying is true but it doesn't relieve the guilt. Loving two men at once seems like a betrayal to me; to both of them."

She nodded carefully to let me know she was hearing what I was saying but her contemplative expression told me that she was thinking beyond my words for some kind of answer that would negate my fears.

"Love comes in so many different forms Bella. The way you loved Peter is oh so different to the way you are capable of loving Edward. Loving Edward is not going to mean that you stop loving Peter or forget about his part in your life. I would like to think that I know you well enough to believe that you would never let that happen. The love between you and Peter was kind of like a building block for your future; the one that he can no longer be a part of but one where you are capable of loving someone with all your heart because you were taught by the best. Peter was good to you; he loved, respected, admired and supported you and he didn't leave behind a woman who couldn't love because she was mistreated or emotionally harmed by her partner. That is something I am incredibly proud of being able to say about my son. He left behind a woman who has the capacity to love in an epic way if only she would give herself permission to do so. Peter is not the one stopping you from giving your love to Edward. You are the only one who can make that choice. Does that make any sense to you?" I nodded half heartedly as I wiped the tears from my face.

" I hope it does Bella because if you choose to be with Edward; another good man who deserves happiness and therefore you, then you are demonstrating just how good your relationship was with my son, not abandoning it as you seem to think you are doing. Go with what is in your heart Bella; not what you think others are expecting from you. Edward is perfect for you; I can see it, your friends and family know it and Esme and Carlisle have already mentioned to me that they think you would be good for him too. Stop fighting it. Give yourself the chance to live happily with a man who could quite possibly be your soul mate. You earned that right when you made my son's life so fulfilling when he was still with us."

The two of us clutched at one another as our emotions got the best of us and we thought of all that had been said between us this morning. Even though my tears conveyed sadness and a small bit of hysteria, I could honestly say that for the first time in many, many months I felt a clear purpose take root in my mind and I was feeling the heaviness of unsurety lifting from my shoulders, giving me a better outlook in general. Grace smiled at me through her own tears as if she understood that her words had helped me in so many ways and I gave her another squeeze of appreciation before I fell back into my seat and drained the last of my now cold chocolate drink. Grace returned to her own seat and we lightened the mood up by talking about yesterdays wedding and Grace and Rick's plans to take a well needed holiday to the wilderness in Canada. I gave her every ounce of my attention even though I was now keen to find Edward and let him know that his feelings were returned and apologise for keeping him waiting so long. Grace had given me so much this morning and I knew she needed this time of casual interaction to offset the emotional aspects of giving me her advice so I was more than willing to give her my time. It wasn't until her phone buzzed with a text that we began to realize just how long we had been in each other's company.

"That will be Rick wondering where I have got to. I kind of left him in a hurry this morning because I suddenly had the need to talk to Peter and let him know how the wedding went. You got to him before me, of course, so he is up to date on how it all panned out." Her gentle smile belied her sadness and feelings of loss. "He would have been so happy for them Bella."

" Do you know what? I was saying to Edward last night that I believed Peter was looking down on all of us and that it would have made him happy to see Rosalie and Emmett finally do what we had all known would eventually happen. I honestly believe that now. I think Peter will always play a part in the important moments of our lives. He is watching us and that is more than okay. It seems he gave me a sign after all."

Grace smiled lovingly and gripped both of my hands in her own.

"I hope that it was enough Bella. I truly do because without love in our lives we might as well just give up and that is not what I want to see happen for you. Edward will look after you, I just know it and you can offer him the same back. Be good to one another and love him freely. Life is too short for anything less."

Grace stood up and I followed her lead. "Now after that last little bit of advice I think I will go and see my son." She pulled me into a motherly embrace and gave me one last smile. "Go and do the right thing Bella. Make him see that he is the one for you. I love you. I know you will be fine."

"Thank you Grace, for everything. I promise to make both you and Peter proud and live life fully. You've helped me accept that it is possible for me. " I stated humbly and with one last hug we parted to set off on our own paths; Grace to pay her respects to the man who meant the world to both of us and me to convince a different man that he was my world and that I could no longer live without him.

What happened after that was anyone's guess…

…but at least he would know!


	25. Chapter 25: Uncertainties

**Sorry to all of you who have reviewed – I have been away for a little while and have not had time to answer, instead deciding to post this chapter instead. I hope you forgive me **

**Hope you enjoy this chapter and thanks for letting me know what you think**

**Cheers**

**Michelle**

Chapter 25

BPOV - Uncertainties

I slid into the driver's seat of my car feeling apprehensive but excited as well. Finally making a solid decision and having Peter's mother back me up on that choice made me feel that I could deal with anything that was thrown my way. Yes Edward was going to be leaving for Paris in a matter of days but once I had let him know my true feelings we could make some decisions together about how to deal with that separation and go forward with our future, if he wanted me to be a part of that. As I put my keys in the ignition I noticed my phone sitting in between the two seats and chuckled to myself. No wonder I had not been interrupted in my time with Peter and Grace. Alice would have, for sure, been ringing and texting when she couldn't find me at home. I picked it up and immediately my brow furrowed in worry. Twenty three missed calls were registered and that was beyond Alice showing a little concern about my whereabouts. I pressed the button to listen to any voice messages. The first one was what I expected and made me relax a little.

_From Alice: 8:23_

_Bella where are you? Jasper and I are just about to get breakfast and you're not in your room. Have you ducked out to get something yummy for us? Should we wait? Love ya girl. _

I quickly deleted it and went onto the next. The sound of Edward's voice sent a spark of excitement through me. At least he had been thinking of me and still wanted to talk?

_From Edward: 8:42_

_Um. Hi Bella. I know it's early but I need to talk to you. err something's come up and I really need to….god I hate leaving messages….could you please ring me._

_From Alice: 8:48_

_Are you with Edward? Jasper told me about his conversation with you with regards to Edward. Have you come to your senses? Did you go to him? About time if that's where you are. Call me._

_From Alice: 8:54_

_Is everything alright? Call me to let me know._

_From Edward: 8:56_

_Ah. Me again. Look I know I probably freaked you out last night and I am really sorry about that. I had no right to put you in that position but…..things have changed and I really need to speak to you. Please Bella. Ring me back as soon as possible._

_From Edward: 9:09_

_Are you mad with me? I know I left before I said goodbye and that was pretty low but I had things going on and…..geez I don't want to do this over the phone Bella. If you are getting these messages could you please, please ring me back. It's important._

_From Alice: 9:12_

_Bella what is going on? Edward has just rung me, all stressed out, and asked me to wake you up so that you would answer your phone. He seemed freaked out when I said you weren't here. Actually I think he might believe I am lying to keep him from you. Again, I ask, what is going on? Did he do something to you last night? You did seem a bit out of it. I'm starting to get really worried. Are you deliberately ignoring him? And me?_

_From Edward: 9:14_

_Alice says you're not at home. Is that true or are you so upset with me that you're not picking up and she's covering. If so please know that I am really sorry but I still need to talk to you. I don't have much time…please just call me back._

Anxiety was starting to make its way through my body and my mind was ringing with the words coming through the phone at me. What was going on? This behavior from Edward was a little odd. He was normally so calm and collected and as the messages went on he seemed to be getting more and more agitated. What did he mean he didn't have much time? I chose to leave the rest of the messages alone and ring him back straight away but once I'd pressed his number I only got a message saying that his mobile was out of service and to try back later. I sighed in exasperation and returned to the messages left on my own mobile.

_Edward: 9:31_

_Where are you? I'm coming over. Please be there!_

_Alice: 9:37_

_Jasper just got off the phone with Edward and he is seriously flustered sis. What have you done to him? He's on his way over even though Jasper finally got him to believe you weren't here. He said he needs to talk to us anyway. Since when do you not answer your phone Bella? Are you okay? I know the wedding must have been hard for you yesterday but…..shit Bella, just call to tell me you're alright. If you don't want to speak to Edward that's your choice but I'm your sister and you are really making me worried now._

was becoming like some high school drama. I was an adult for god's sake and them not being able to contact me for a while should not be causing the angst that it apparently was. I needed to nip this stuff in the bud before it got out of hand. I laughed humorlessly. It was already out of hand given that I was only up to message number ten and there were thirteen messages to go. I called Alice's number only to find the number engaged. I tried Edward again only to get the same message that he was out of service. My curiosity got the better of me and I continued to listen to more messages.

_Edward: 10:03_

_Okay so you really aren't here and I am a half witted douche bag to think you were hiding out from me in your unit. It still doesn't explain why you are not answering your phone. Are you okay? Alice and jasper said you were a little upset last night. I can't help but think that is my fault. Even if you don't want to talk to me can you please ring your sister so that we all know you are alright?_

_Edward: 10:14_

_I am running out of time Bella. Please I really need to see you._

_Edward: 10:17_

_I feel like a half crazed stalker here Bella. Why won't you pick up your phone?_

_Alice: 10.20_

_You really need to ring Edward Bella. It is important._

_Edward: 10.28_

_Bella. I meant what I said to you last night but if it has caused you any kind of pain I regret that I didn't keep those words to myself. I will keep my promise to you and we can be long distance friends. There doesn't need to be any kind of bad feeling between us…just please I have to leave and it's not something I want to do without at least talking to you one more time._

What was he talking about? I already knew he was leaving but that was on Tuesday and we had time to talk before then….didn't we? He shouldn't feel the need to regret that he told me he loved me. I was going to set that straight as soon as I saw him but…..a sick feeling was starting to process itself within my stomach and his words were beginning to sound ominous to my ears. Something was way wrong.

_Alice: 10:33_

_Bella. He didn't want me to tell you like this but I am desperate now. Edward is leaving New York TODAY…as in…. any moment now Jasper has to take him to the airport. It is all completely unexpected and he had no idea until early this morning but…..if you cared for him at all you would make sure you at least give him the opportunity to say goodbye. He at least deserves that._

My chest constricted as her words registered in my brain. Edward was leaving today. I had run out of time to let him know how I felt. He would be gone before I could even see him one last time. Pain ripped through me like I had never felt before. I'd finally admitted to myself that I was in love with him and now he wasn't even going to hear me say the words to him. My trembling fingers pressed redial and his phone still was inaccessible. I tried Alice's number next as my eyes flitted to the time. It was now 12:04 which meant that Edward would well and truly be at the airport by now. I needed to find out from Alice what time his flight left but she was not answering now either. Adrenaline pumped through me and I turned the keys in my ignition. I had to at least try to get to him. Before I pushed my accelerator down to get my car moving I placed the phone in the hands free and pressed a button so that I could listen to any further messages.

_Edward: 10:37_

_I can only hope that wherever you are that you are okay and that there is a perfectly reasonable explanation for you are not answering your phone, even though I have been begging you for nearly two hours to call me. It seems that my time has run out and there is nothing I can do about that. I am so sorry. I did not want to leave things like this. Work called and they have changed my flights to today because of some meetings in Paris that have been brought forward. I fought against it Bella but they made it quite clear that this time I had no choice unless I wanted to lose my job. I can't do that; I will have nothing if I lose my job and have to walk away from you as well, the way you need me too. I promised you last night that we could talk today and now I have to break that promise. Bella please believe me when I say that it is the last thing I ever wanted to do to you. I know we had things to talk about and sort out before I left. I tried; I really did. I am already late to get to my flight but to me you were more important. I hope that your silence does not mean you hate me for confessing how I felt. You don't know how hard it has been to be so close to you, yet have you be so unreachable. I do love you but that does not mean you have anything to feel bad about. I know how you think. It is not your fault that you are the only one who ever had any kind of hold on my heart; that was all my own doing. I have to go now. Jasper is waiting to take me to the airport. My flight is at one. If you are listening to this message please send me a text purely to tell me you are safe. Alice believes that you are taking some time out for yourself and that nothing has happened to you; that you are only giving yourself time to think after the emotions of being at a wedding. I am hoping that is all it is. I can't even fathom the thought of you being hurt somewhere. Please let me know. I will keep my phone on for as long as possible._

_Jasper: 10.39_

_I never considered you to be a coward Bella Swan. Running away from your feelings is not going to help anyone. Please ring my brother to tell him you are safe. He is giving himself an aneurism here._

_Alice: 10.46_

_I think I know where you are. I'm coming to get you and hopefully we won't be too late_

_Edward: 10:59_

_I am not sure I can get on that plane not knowing if you are safe. You're an adult and I know that you can look after yourself but I just can't help but think that if you were getting these messages that you would have rung by now. You are not a malicious person. Surely you can see that not hearing from you is driving me crazy. _

_Edward: 11.15_

_Alice rang and said that you had been to Peter's grave; she found your bouquet there even though there was no sight of you or the car. I can only gather that you have spent some time there and that you are safe enough… That makes sense; you needed to be with the person you cared the most about after the emotional day of attending a wedding without him…. I understand. Your safety is important to me so I can only be relieved that nothing bad has happened to you, even if your silence tells me more than anything else that you no longer want anything to do with me. I know I confused you; I know that you love Peter and that my feelings made you question yourself. Please don't hate me Bella. I never meant to cause you anything but happiness and I definitely screwed that up. This will be my last message because you've made yourself clear enough. I can't leave though without telling you one last time; you are an amazing woman Bella and even though you don't want it, you have my heart always. Be safe and know that if you need me I am there for you, I don't care what it takes to fulfill that promise; you only have to ask. I lo… sorry…I will miss you. I wish things could be different._

The cracking of his voice as he spoke those last words had me scrunching up my face to stop my own tears from escaping. I needed to be able to see to drive properly. I needed to get to him and causing myself to have an accident before I got there would only serve to make things so much worse. The ache couldn't be dispelled but I was certainly adamant that my grief would not get in the way this time; Edward needed to be stopped from getting on that plane. A quick glance at the clock on the dashboard told me that time was running out. It was 12:20 and there was no possible way I was going to get there before he went through security to board his plane. He was probably already boarding now. I cursed myself for my bright idea to park a fair away from Peter's grave, this morning, so that I could use the walk as thinking time before I spoke to Peter. It had led to Alice not seeing that I was still at the cemetery when she came to get me. Wasted time, that I was fully regretting.

_Alice: 11:31_

_I have rung everyone and no one has seen you. I know you've been to see Peter this morning and I've let Edward know so that he can at least have some peace in knowing that you are probably safe and only licking your own wounds. Shit Bella this is some messed up business we've got going on here. Please call me._

_Alice: 11:37_

_I don't want to give up but I have a feeling that I am too late. I got onto Rick and he told me that you were with Grace at the cemetery café. I can't believe I didn't see you when I was down there. I have a feeling you are going to be kicking yourself when you realize what has happened. It's too late to stop him now but at least ring him and give him some sort of goodbye. He has been nothing but good to you Bella. He doesn't deserve this silence._

I angrily beeped my horn at someone who was going way too slow for my liking and who was prolonging my agony of not getting to the airport on time. I crossed my fingers that Edward's flight had been delayed so that I could buy myself more time. With another rush of adrenaline I poked my finger at the phone to see if I would have any luck this time with getting through to Edward. Nothing! I tried Jasper's phone but it rang out. Nothing was working my way today. As I watched the road I rang Alice's number and with a screech that reverberated around the enclosed car she answered.

"Bella why the hell haven't you answered your phone. Edward is leaving today and…"

I cut her off not wanting to hear it again. "I know Alice. I just got all the messages. My phone was in the car and I didn't realize. I was with Grace for a lot longer than I thought I had been. I'm on my way to the airport now but I can't get a hold of him. I need to try and stop him. I need to talk to him."

Her quiet answer told me everything I already knew. "Sweetie. I don't think you're going to make it. You know what security is like these days. He is probably already through. Did you try and ring Jasper's phone? Maybe he could get a message through to Edward for you."

"Yes I did but it rang out. Look I am pulling up at the airport I have to at least give it a try. Wish me luck." I pressed the end button and sprang out of the seat, clumsily locking the car before racing into the airport. People looked at me in varying degrees of shock or amusement. I searched for any sign of where Edward's flight would be taking off from and noted that the huge departure sign was flashing boarding for his flight. I pushed my way through the crowds of people and ran as fast as I could to the gate shown on the sign. When I got to the area where security started their scans I looked around with dread. There was no indication of Edward anywhere. I was definitely too late. My knees crumpled beneath me and suddenly I was breathless with my attempt to get to him. Huge sobs were fighting to escape my throat and I placed one hand across my mouth to stop myself from drawing any more attention to myself than I already had. I collapsed on a waiting chair and put my head to my knees. I had failed him and he didn't deserve to leave the way he was forced to. The wetness on my jeans told me that I was crying with little restraint now and I couldn't bring myself to care. He was gone and it was all my fault.

"Bella?" The seat beside me buckled a bit under his weight as he sat down and reached out his hand for my shoulder. "What are you doing here? We've been trying to contact you all morning."

I raised my red rimmed eyes to meet his and I gulped in a huge amount of air. "Is he gone?"

Jasper nodded reluctantly. "A fair while ago Bella. I am only still here because I needed caffeine to settle my nerves after having to deal with Edward unraveling for the past couple of hours."

With his confirmation the tears came even harder. "Oh god Jasper. I didn't have my phone on me and when I did I could not get through to him and he left me so many messages and I didn't want him to leave like this and now he…..he….he….is gone… what have I done?"

Jasper drew me closer to him in a sign of support but his body was not the one I craved for and I pulled myself away a little so that I could read his face.

"I tried to call him to tell him I was on my way."

Sadness etched his face as he explained. "His phone battery died and I can tell you that it brought about quite a tirade from our boy. He threw it in the bin in disgust and it wasn't until he thought about the stupidity of you not being able to contact him once he was able to charge the battery again in Paris he went and pulled it back out. He was hoping that you would eventually want to speak to him."

"Oh Jasper. I didn't get to tell him how I feel. He must hate me right now for not speaking to him before he left."

"Bella there is no way in this world Edward would ever hate you but….maybe this was for the best?" My eyes flew to his face with shock at his gentle words. He shrugged lightly and looked a little embarrassed but he braced himself and kept talking. "If you can't love him the way he loves you it is probably not fair to give him hope. I thought it would make a difference when I told you what Peter asked of Edward. I thought you would tell Edward how you felt but I was wrong. Edward feels that he is second best to everything with regards to Peter and frankly he deserves more than that."

"You don't understand Jasper. I love Edward….. He would never be second best…. Edward means everything to me; I just haven't been able to admit to it because it was so intense and… I've never felt like that before, not even with Peter. I felt guilty because I was relegating Peter to that role of second best…. never ever Edward. Without Edward in my life I would be completely and utterly lost. I love him. ….I want to be with him and I can't tell him that now because I got here too late. I don't know how to fix this now, while he is moving hundreds of miles away from me. Jasper, I need to fix this."

Jasper lifted my tear stained face up so that he could judge the truth in my words. "We'll think of s…." The rest of his words halted as the thud of a bag hitting the floor behind us indicated we were not alone in this conversation. Both of us twirled our heads around in surprise and a shot of elation hit me with full force.

"You love me?" The uncertainty in his face made me feel sorrow that I had ever made him think differently but it warred with the absolute joy I felt at seeing him there. I scrambled over the back of the seat I was sitting in and threw myself at him before he could register my intent.

"Edward…..oh my god Edward." My fingers traced the outline of his face as I happily took in everything about him. "How are you here? Why aren't you on the plane?"

He was struggling with his words and they came out in a kind of convoluted mess. "I couldn't do it…..leave without at least seeing you….and I was about to go through the final security check and I realized that breaking a promise to you was not something I ever wanted to do. I chose to stay and give you that talk I promised you last night….even though it seemed you didn't want to speak to me…..but of course that meant my suitcases were on the flight and they had to pull them off…I got a fine which took them forever to write…..I seriously peed off some people in there …..and ….and then I came out here and saw you with Jasper…I…did you say that you loved me?"

I openly laughed at the incredulity of his question. "Yes Edward. I love you. With every little piece of myself I love you." I reached up so that I could emphasise the truth of my words with small kisses on his face. "I can't imagine being without you in my life and I am tired of fighting that feeling. I adore you. I love you. I want to be anywhere you are. Please believe me, I love you!"

Edward's eyes closed against the butterfly kisses I was placing wherever I could reach. He hadn't moved at all, with his hands still placed gently but firmly on my hips where he had grabbed me on our initial impact so that we wouldn't both fall over. When he opened his eyes again he appeared dazed as he searched my face with so much longing that it was hard for me to not close my own eyes against the intensity of the need he was displaying. One of his hands moved and he slowly skimmed his fingers up my side and towards my shoulder until his hand found its way under the curtain of my hair and he was cupping the sensitive area just below my ear whilst his thumb lovingly caressed the side of my face.

"You're really here? You actually came for me?" He sucked in his breath in and pain contorted his face as realization hit. "I could have been on that plane Bella. I would have missed out on knowing."

"Don't think about that. I am here and there is no place I would rather be than with you. I love you and it's going to be…."

Something snapped behind those glazed eyes of his and without any warning he took hold of my lips with his own and I was immediately lost in a tangent of colour and sound and taste and pure ecstasy that I hadn't lost him after all; that he was here kissing me as if his life depended on it. I vaguely heard Jasper telling us that that was his cue to leave and he would see us later. Edward was all I could concentrate on for this moment. I couldn't bring myself to care that our public show of affection would be sending his brother scuttling off. All I was aware of was Edward making me breathless with the passion and depth of his kiss and his determination to show me that I was loved beyond anything else in the world. When it was finally evident that we needed to breath in order to survive he softened his hold on me and gently kissed my eyelids and then my cheeks before landing one on my bottom lip.

"Tell me again," Edward whispered with reverence as he continued to nip at my lips with all the gentleness he could muster. I leaned into his kisses in the hope that he would take them further but instead he pulled back and looked me seriously in the eye. "Bella please I want to hear you say it again."

I smirked at him, suddenly in a teasing mood, my joy at having him back was so firmly engrained in my demeanor. "Well I'm not so sure about that Edward. I do believe I have told you quite a few times over the course of the last few minutes how much I ….care… and yet not once have you said it to me. If you ask me, that seems a little unfair."

Surprise passed across his face and then merriment lit up in his eyes making them that bright emerald colour that always made me swoon.

"That does seem a little unfair so I guess that this is my time to say that I ….care about you a whole lot. Is that what you wanted to hear Bella?" He was stroking my face now with the pads of both thumbs and I pouted as I watched him wait for my reaction.

"Not really," I whispered before turning my head to the right and lightly kissing his thumb to offset the reproach in my voice. When my eyes returned to his gaze the merriment was gone and it had been replaced with a heated look of want and adoration. He lifted his hand to smooth back my hair and then took a deep breath.

"Well I guess what you need to know then, is this. I have never ever loved anyone but you Bella Swan. It feels like you are the only reason I exist and even when I didn't think we could ever be together, it was your existence that kept me going, regardless of the pain. I love you. I love everything about you. If this is a dream I never want to wake up because quite honestly it is better than anything I could ever have imagined, to have you tell me that you love me the way I love you. Right now I want to take you in my arms and never, ever let you go again. I'm actually free to feel it and believe it. You belong with me. I don't believe there is any other way even though I don't want to think of the machinations of that right now. You are everything to me." He grinned lopsidedly at what I could only imagine was the look of awe on my face at his revelations. "….and did I happen to mention that I am seriously, deeply, without a doubt in this world, in love with you?"

His head dipped again to reinforce his declaration with the kind of kiss that made your legs turn to jello and your heart to palpitate at a million miles an hour. That, combined with his words of love, made me lose all sense of reasonable propriety and I forcefully pushed myself closer to his body so that there was not even one small bit of space between his body and mine. I wanted to be completely swallowed by everything I loved about him and his nearness was paramount. It wasn't until I heard a child's voice asking his mother what we were doing, and hearing and feeling Edward's deep chuckle at the question, that I realized that we were being highly impolite to the people around us. Edward pulled away and put a respectable distance between us but leant down so only I could hear his words.

"As much as I love the way you are telling me that you love me right back, I think we should probably take this to a less public forum." My blush brought about another snigger from Edward and I buried my face in his chest to cover up my embarrassment. "Let's get you home and we can talk there."

The idea was tempting but through my haze of happiness I knew that we didn't have the time to do this that way he was suggesting.

"Wait. What are you going to do about work? In your message you said that they told you if you didn't go to Paris earlier then you would lose your job."

"I already made that decision when I didn't get on that plane Bella. The only difference now is that I have you, where as I didn't when I made that choice. It makes it all the more acceptable now that I have a good reason for it."

"No. You love your job Edward. You can't just give it up because of me. Surely we can do something to make it right with your bosses?"

"Bella the only way I can make it right with my bosses is by getting on the next available flight and getting myself to Paris. I am not willing to do that when I have the opportunity to make things work out with you. There's no choice to make here. Where you are, that's where I will be. I can get another job."

"You love that job,"

"Yes I do but I love you more."

With stark clarity I knew what I wanted and how I could allow Edward to have both his job and me. It was a huge step but it was something that I believed would be not only right for us but would strengthen me as a person.

"Well I don't." I answered and his eyes flew to me in panic.

"What…what do you mean? Surely after…Bella what are you saying." His bewilderment and sudden concern had me cursing my choice of words.

"Relax Edward. I love you and that hasn't changed in the last few minutes. I am simply saying that I don't love my job."

His deep breath of relief had me squeezing his hand and he smiled at me before staring at me quizzically. "I still don't understand. How does that help us?"

"Well I don't love my job but you do. I love you and I want to be wherever you are but I would prefer you to be happy with your choices, not making sacrifices to be with me…."

"It's not really a sacrifice when I want you more than anything else."

I pretended not to hear his interruption and continued. "….and I have heard that Paris is amazingly romantic and who better to share that with but the person you love beyond anyone else?"

Edward's eyes widened in understanding and he attempted to speak but nothing came out for many, many seconds.

"Are you saying?... what exactly are you saying Bella?"

"That I know you have to go to Paris….and quickly …and that you might possibly consider giving me a few days to tie up loose ends here and say goodbye to my loved ones….. before I follow you? "

"What? Bella you don't have to do this. I'm not asking you to pick up your life and relocate so that we can be together. You can't give up on everything you've known to be with me."

"Is it too much for you, too soon," I asked with a little bit of fear. Maybe I had misconstrued this thing going on between us.

"God no Bella. I do not want to leave your side for even a minute now that I have you but this….this is you making a sacrifice when you just told me you didn't want me doing exactly the same thing. We both have family here. You will have no one in Paris."

"I will have you," I traced circles on his arm and he closed his eyes in exasperation. "Edward. I think this will be good for us; to be away from New York for a little while; for it to be just you and I learning to build on our love for one another properly without anyone or anything else getting in our way. Do you know what I mean?"

I could see on his face that it was dawning on him how hard it might be for us to be together once everyone knew that there was something special between us and as much as I was willing to face that if it came down to the need, it made sense to me to give Edward and I a shot at this without other people's expectations interfering in our love for one another.

"I don't want you to feel like you have to run Bella. People will understand soon enough that what we have is real and their judgments don't mean anything to us."

"I'm not doing this to escape Edward. I made my peace with the only person I needed to this morning and it didn't hurt that his mother backed me up as well. I want to come to Paris with you because I love you and I want us to start out the right way," I grinned at him to lighten the mood. " and what better way than being in the most romantic place on earth."

"It is a pretty amazing place to live," He begrudgingly agreed and I knew I had him. "Are you sure about this?"

"Positive," There was not one iota of doubt in my mind. This was exactly the start we needed to be together for the forever I envisioned. "It isn't forever anyway and soon enough we will be back on American soil to spend time with our families and friends." Edward rubbed his eyes as if to ward off any confusion and then he gave me the brightest smile that I had ever seen on his face.

"You really want to do this? You really love me enough to come to Paris with me?"

"Yes Edward. I love you enough to follow wherever you lead. You're stuck with me now."

"Well that is something I do believe I will enjoy," He muttered before I was caught up in yet another kiss of unconstrained happiness and searing passion. The devotion that could be read in every action and nuance of his body against mine was something I could get used to.

"So my love, we are off to Paris." He stated with conviction once he relinquished the touch of my lips.

"Yes, Paris," I answered in a dreamy voice, completely trusting this impetuous decision I had made in order to remain with Edward. My forever was now wrapped up in his and I had never been more certain of his love, or mine, as I was in that moment. "Just you and me and a whole lot of well earnt love to look forward to."


	26. Epilogue  Eternity

**Well here it is, the very last chapter of this story in the form of an epilogue. Thanks to every one who has taken the time to read this story, regardless of whether or not you have reviewed. Huge kudos to those of you who did write me a review to tell me what you did or did not like. I imagine that I will have a few people not so happy about the way I have ended things but I thought it was a fitting conclusion for two people who loved each other so much.**

**Enjoy and thanks for your support.**

Epilogue - Eternity

"Que puis-je vous obtenez?"

"Deux chocalats chauds s'il vous plait" I motioned between my granddaughter and myself to indicate to the waitress that that was our order. Ana was looking at me with awe as she took in my ability to communicate our needs so readily. My eyes focused on the face of my daughter who was scanning the menu as if she might understand it fully. "And Ness, what would you like?"

"Just a tea thanks mum," She looked at me with weary eyes and I found myself questioning my decision to adhere to her demand to come here with me. I knew it was going to be hard for her but she had been adamant that I could not do this alone. That she wanted to be with me. She was just as stubborn as her father. I sighed and redirected my attention to the waitress who was waiting for me to speak.

"The au lait s'il vous plait." I smiled at the young girl before she walked away. There had been a time when I knew the waitresses here by name, I was such a constant visitor, but that had been a long time ago and now things had changed in so many ways.

"So this was where you hung out when you lived here, nan? Has it changed much?" Ana swept her gaze over the façade of the café and then looked out into the busy alleyway where people went about their business of the day. I laughed inwardly. She was doing exactly as I used to do when I had frequented this café when I had lived in Paris years ago; people watching, it had been my favourite past time and everyone had seemed so elegant and energetic back then that I had felt like I had been thrown into a fairytale. The idleness of that activity had eventually stopped when I had finally found a job as a free lance writer in an English speaking paper but the café had still been a favourite place for me to visit and Edward and I had shared many happy evenings regaling each other with our goings on of the day while we sipped at exquisite coffees and sometimes even a brandy or two. It had seemed decadent and romantic as we sat in our place across from the Seine and watched the world pass whilst we were in our own dazed state of adoration and fulfilness.

"Well sixty years is a long time Ana so everything is much more modern but some places like this, I am happy to say, have kept their old time charm. Your grandfather and I loved this place. We were never able to find a place quite like it back at home when we returned," My fingers traced lovingly against the wooden tables and again I found myself sighing. I had been doing a lot of that lately. "I am glad I get to see it one last time."

Both Ana and Ness tensed up but they kept the bright smiles on their faces to cover their apprehension about the choices I had made. I was going to enjoy this moment in time; sharing how my life had been with Edward in Paris with two of the many people I had been lucky enough to share my life with.

"Oh come on you two. I didn't bring you all the way over here to spend the time with glum looks and an air of tragedy. Paris is beautiful; it's a place of history and…..love and romance. Don't ruin this for me. Edward would have wanted me to be happy here…he always wanted me to be happy…and that is why we are doing this. Girls, I need your support with this, not your sad eyes or your suggestions that maybe I am making the wrong choice. This is what I need and if you can't accept that then maybe we need to rethink you being here?"

My daughter's hand reached out and covered my own wrinkled one. Ana was almost immediate in adding her much younger version to the mix. They were strong women, my girls and even though they had initially done everything possible to deter me from this path I had chosen, they had also eventually given in and made the trip here so that I could make this one last choice for myself; a decision that would lead me to where I ultimately needed to be…with Edward…because for me it would always be him and already it had been far too long.

"We're with you, mum," Ness stated unhesitatingly and I knew that my threat to make them leave would have made her worried. There was no way in this world that she would want me to do this alone. "It's just hard, you know. The finality of it all."

With a sympathetic smile I took my hand away from hers and lifted it to run my withered hand over the apple of her cheek. She had been my first born and her arrival had been such a blessing to Edward and me.

"_It's time," I breathed heavily as I watched Edward try and bring himself out of the deep sleep I had just so rudely awoken him from. His eyes widened in alarm as he took in my words and he was instantly up and out of the bed to wrap a supportive arm around my waist. I had been uncomfortable all night and not wanting to disturb Edward, when I knew he had a busy day the next day, I had succumbed to a soothing bath to try and alleviate the aches and pains that were currently racking my body. To a point it had worked, but as soon as I had risen from the bath tub to make my way back to bed the cramps had become almost unbearable and I knew that this was more than phantom labour. I finally submitted to waking Edward up and his immediate support was very much appreciated._

"_Are you sure?" Edward asked with a note of panic and I could only imagine that the look I gave him was the reason he subtly recoiled from me. "Okay sweetheart. That was a stupid question, it's just that it is so early."_

_He had hardly finished voicing his reasoning then I was buckled over in the worse pain I had experienced so far. A gush of water between my legs was a very physical assertion that I was correct in my belief that this baby was on its way and Edward's face became even paler as he tried to determine what he should do first._

"_Hospital Edward." I muttered through my clenched teeth. "Get me to the hospital before I have this baby here on our bedroom floor."_

_That spurred him into action and before I knew it I was being transported to the hospital and the next hour and a half was spent with Edward's encouraging words rattling around my head as he tried to ensure my comfort and convince me that everything would be alright. Yes the baby was coming a little too early for our liking but he knew in his heart that all would turn out in the end because…..well just because it had to._

_Two hours later, after a great amount of cussing and swearing that Edward would never be allowed near me again, our beautiful Nessie was born; a little smaller than we felt completely comfortable with but her size did not stop her from voicing her dissatisfaction at the coldness of this new world as she entered and there was absolutely nothing wrong with her lungs if her cry was anything to go by. Edward appeared to be completely dazzled by the little presence that was being cleaned up and checked over with a fine tooth comb by the midwives. When she was finally placed on my chest for our first bonding session I felt instant relief and a whole lot of adoration for this tiny person who had been made from Edward's and my love. Nothing in the world could compare to that feeling of complete contentment and knowledge that our little miracle was finally here with us. Edward's glassy eyes as he sat as closely as possible to the two of us with one hand lightly resting on our little one's shoulder and the other caressing the back of my neck, told me that he was overcome with the emotion of it too. The perfection of such a moment was almost too much to bear._

"_Do you have any idea, Bella, of how much I love you and our beautiful daughter?" Edward spoke in an awed whisper as his glassy eyes searched my face before returning to the bundle in our arms._

"_I think I have a pretty good idea Edward… you and Nessie are everything to me and I've never felt more fulfilled than right at this moment."_

Of course that was to change with the birth of our sons, two and five years later. Nothing could compare to holding your child and knowing that they were a reflection of how strongly you felt for the person who helped you give them life. Edward and I were blessed with three healthy and energetic children who grew up into adults who we had always been proud of. They themselves had found true love at different stages of their lives and had delved into the role of parenthood with as much gusto as Edward and I had, giving us the gift of three granddaughters and five grandsons to dote over for the rest of our time. Life had been good to us in so many ways, even through the hard times, and it was with this knowledge that my trip to Paris had been planned with very little regret on my part.

Ana gently placed her hand on her mother's shoulder and gave her an understanding smile before speaking. "Well, I am really looking forward to seeing more of Paris through nan's eyes and hearing more about her life here with Pops. It makes me feel closer to him somehow. What is on the agenda next?"

I gave her a grateful glance in response and sipped at my coffee as I thought about where I wanted to go next. I was thankful that she was feeling Edward's presence here as much as I was. It reinforced that our trip here was going to give me what I was searching for; peace and my beloved's face. "Would you like to see where we lived? I know it won't be the same because it was renovated years ago and turned into an art gallery but it will give you a general idea of the area."

Both Ness and Ana agreed and before too long we had finished our drinks and made our way across the short distance to the street where Edward and I had resided during the few years we had stayed in Paris. It did not escape my notice that my frail body was not able to keep up with my mind the way I wanted and that Ness and Ana had to shorten their normal walking gait in order for me to keep up. It was one of the things I hated about being old; my mind was not willing to admit that there were so many things I could not or should not be doing and it was frustrating when reality made it quite apparent. However my daughter and granddaughter were patient, even if I was not, and I was soon standing between them as they each held an arm gently so that I could take stock of what was before me; my original home in the city of Paris.

"_Edward, it is beautiful," I exclaimed as my eyes wandered over the apartment I would be calling home. Edward's taste was impeccable and even though there were many parts of the place that he had left unadorned the whole apartment shouted out homely with a touch of sophistication._

"_Not as beautiful as you," Edward stated with conviction and pulled me into his arms so that I was wrapped in his warmth. He steadied himself with a deep breath and then pulled back a little so that we could look at one another directly. "I can't believe you're here. I can't believe you are actually in my arms; that you didn't change your mind and stay in New York."_

_I lifted my fingers so that I could trace his features lovingly. The last time I had been able to do that had been when I had finally admitted to him that I loved him at the airport and we had made the momentous decision for me to move to Paris. That had been a month ago now and Edward's daily calls and frequent emails had told me that he had missed me as much as I had missed him whilst I tied up the loose ends of my life at home. Now, Edward's words confirmed that he had been worried that whole time that I would decide not to come and that he would be left in Paris without me. I felt somewhat guilty that before our proclamations of love that I had treated him in a way that would result in his unsuredness now. I needed to rectify that immediately._

"_As if that was ever going to happen, Edward. How could I have been anywhere else but here with you? It was so hard to be back at home when you were all the way over here and it was so hard not to just get on the first plane to get here as quickly as possible. I love you and there is nowhere else I would rather be."_

_Edward moved his hands so that his fingers found a resting place over my own exploring ones before entwining our fingers together and bringing them down between us, but not before grazing his lips across my knuckles in a gentle display of worship. I smiled at the demonstration of adoration he was willing to give to me and it only widened as he whispered against my cheek._

"_I want you to belong with me, Bella. I desperately need you to belong with me. You have been in every thought and in every action of mine for so long now and I want that to be alright with you. I want this to work between us; I want to give you everything you deserve and make this sacrifice you've made to be the best thing you've ever done. Please, I need you."_

"_You've got me Edward. I do belong with you and you belong with me. I'm exactly where I should be."_

_His head lowered and as his lips reached mine all thought fled as I finally truly believed I was home. He sucked lightly on my lower lip before placing tender kisses from one side of my mouth to the other, all the while showing me his happiness by the lift of his smile between each one. I vaguely heard his soft assurances that this was it for us and that we were going to be so happy together. I already knew all of that and at this moment of time I wanted to drown myself in him and the feel of his lips caressing me in the most loving manner possible. When he finally deepened the kiss I was more than ready for it and the intensity of it hit me like a wave; even more so than our initial welcome to Paris kisses had, when we had seen each other at the airport. Apparently the privacy of our own home was the catalyst for a much more passionate reunion and that was more than okay by me. There was no hesitation on either of our parts and we were soon locked in an incredible display of mutual longing and desire. My fingers made their way into his hair once he relinquished his hold to bring me closer with his own hands. He was every where around me and all I could give him back were my touches and my small whimpers of approval for the way he made me feel. It was so natural and only confirmed that I was right in not second guessing my decision to move here; Edward and I were going to love one another the right way and there was no way I was going to give this up; not ever…_

"Nan? Are you okay?" Ana spoke softly as if she didn't want to scare me with any loud noises. I pulled myself out of my memories and gave her a watery smile. Even now Edward could elicit remarkable feelings from me and I wanted so desperately to have him here by my side now.

"Of course sweetheart. I just lost myself in memories of how this place used to be. Your grandfather found the perfect place for us to live together when I arrived in Paris and we had so much fun making it ours once I arrived. He was so excited to share this part of his life with someone on a deeper level and we had so many good times in that place. It's a little sad that it no longer exists in the same way."

"Everything is continuously moving and changing mum," Ness said "You've always made that quite clear to all of us and it has helped us through so many aspects of life. Just like you also said though, we have our memories and no one can take those away from us."

"Exactly. Memories live on long after we leave this earth." I agreed with my daughter and looked one last time at the gallery that was once my home.

"How long did you and Pops stay in Paris?" Ana asked with curiosity.

"Three and a half years all up but of course we did go back to the states for visits and we had many guests come to stay with us here as well. It was a wonderful period in our lives. We couldn't have had a better start to our relationship." I thought back on those days of full contentment and the excitement of seeing Europe with Paris as our base. I really had felt that I was living the life of a princess and Edward was always there to make sure I knew it was something I deserved. "We got married just before we left Paris, when Edward's contract finished and we could return to New York. Our honeymoon was an idyllic trip around Croatia and Slovenia. It wasn't until we got home to New York that we found out that we were pregnant with your mother here. To say that Edward was ecstatic about becoming a dad would be an understatement."

Ana sighed and I laughed at her enthusiasm at the romance of it all. "We got married not so far from here. Would you like to see it?"

"Absolutely," They both said in unison and we giggled like young girls again. I directed them towards a cab and gave instruction for the driver to take us to St Germain des Pres. It was in this historic part of Paris that we had said our vows with our small group of family and friends by our side. The memory of it made me smile broadly. Our wedding had been everything I had ever imagined it could be with the people closest to us travelling to be by our sides. It was one of my favourite days ever and Edward's love for me had shone so brightly that it was hard to believe that there ever could have been another possibility for the way my life ended up.

"_Are you happy love?" His breath caressed my cheek as he leant in to whisper softly whilst his arms encircled my waist. The sun was setting on the most beautiful and heart warming day of my life and I leant back into his chest allowing the slosh of water on the boat's side lull me into a slight trance as everything about Edward invaded my senses. It was always this way when he was near me; I loved his presence and the way I was so familiar with his movements, his scent, his velvety voice, his touch. Life without him would just not be worth living but life with him…..well that had been something to marvel at because no matter what, Edward made sure that I knew that I was loved, that I came first and everything he did told the world that he was mine and I was his. Today's wedding ceremony had been no different._

"_The happiest, Edward." I sighed and then turned into the hardness of his body so that I could rest my head against his chest. " You make me happy and knowing that I am your wife….words can't even express how ecstatic that makes me."_

_I felt him nuzzle my hair and the action was soothing. "I know what you mean Bella." He murmured before lightly encasing my mouth with his lips. My body reacted instantly but Edward pulled away and gave me a look of pure love. "Have I told you how utterly, spell bindingly beautiful you look today?"_

_I giggled softly. "Maybe a few times….but I will never get sick of hearing it, coming from you." I reached for him again but my movement was of no use because someone had other ideas for us._

"_Hey, hey, hey. That's enough you two. We've already witnessed the love during the ceremony and we haven't all travelled all this way to watch the two of you make out like teenagers. Everyone is waiting for you on the front deck to get this party started," Emmett's loud voice boomed and the two of us looked guiltily to our side to see his beaming face with the arched eyebrow._

"_Do you mind Emmett. I am kissing my wife," I liked the way Edward emphasized the word wife and a feeling of complete goodwill and giddiness swam through my body as he confirmed once again that we had come together more formally today._

"_Yes, yes I can see that but you have the rest of your lives for such undertakings and we want some of your company. Get your butts to your guests." Emmett spoke jovially and Edward and I couldn't help but laugh at his exuberance. We had missed our friends and family during our time in Paris so having them here on this important day was something special._

_We followed him to the front of the boat and as we took in those waiting before us I grinned at how perfect everything seemed at that moment. Everyone raised their glasses to us as Emmett introduced us as Edward and Bella Cullen and I glanced around all the important people in our lives. Jasper and Alice stood arm in arm grinning as they welcomed us into the world of marriage. They themselves had been married in a lavish ceremony that well suited Alice's personality, if not Jasper's, about eighteen months ago. They were doing so well and it warmed my heart to know that they had been living the happy life that they so richly deserved. Rosalie was holding her little one in her arms as Emmett made his way back to her side to throw a loving arm around her shoulder and give his gorgeous baby son a quick peck on the forehead. They had been trying ever since they were married to fall pregnant and when it finally happened they had been so full of joy that I thought they would both explode with it. We had welcomed our first nephew, Dale, into the fold with a whole lot of excitement and it was wonderful that he was here to share our day with us even if he would never remember it, being so young and all. Esme and Carlisle stood smiling so widely at us and I could tell that Esme was trying extremely hard not to let her tears fall. She was such a loving and giving woman and she had made it quite clear to me when she first visited us, after my move to Paris, that I was the best thing to have happened to her son and that I was a very special part of their family. There had been no judgment about the way things had gone before I had finally woken up to myself and I loved her dearly for that. My parents had been just as welcoming to Edward and when I looked at them now I could see that they were bursting with pride for me and Edward. Jake stood beside them with his arm casually entwined with Camille's. We had all thought that they had become so close that they would become romantically involved but they had proven us wrong, both enjoying relationships with different people in their own cities. That had not stopped them from being the best friends ever to one another and when they got together they had all kinds of fun. Angela, Ben, Jane and her beau of the moment were also present, along with a few of the closer friends we had made during our time in Paris. Last but not least were Grace and Rick Woods who had graciously accepted our invitation and who had demonstrated the love they had for me by seeming extremely happy for the way things had turned out between Edward and I. Grace had even found me before the ceremony to tell me how proud she was that I had done what she had asked and loved to my fullest capacity; that I had given her son the peace of knowing that I was where I should be at this time of my life. We had cried together but they had been happy tears and I was oh so glad that they had come to be with us today. We partied late into the night as our boat sailed smoothly along the waters of the river and I had never felt so alive and sure of my love as I had as I celebrated next to my soul mate who was now my husband._

_Yes my wedding had been something special and just another wonderful memory of the love between my husband and I._

"The church is beautiful," Ana exclaimed as she helped me out of the cab and Nessie paid for our journey. "Is this where you got married?"

"Aha." I squinted against the sun to look at the old church that Edward had convinced me to be married in. He had wanted to do it before the eyes of god and I had readily accepted even though I would have been happy to have been married in a regi_s_try office if it meant we could be together forever. "It really was a beautiful ceremony."

"I remember Aunt Alice telling me, when I was still a child, about the vows you and dad exchanged. She said they were so beautiful and heartfelt that nearly everyone there was crying." Ness smiled at the memory of her excitable aunt.

We quietly made our way into the silence of the church and sat in one of the pews near the middle. An instant feeling of calm came over me. This was what I had been searching for; the knowledge that I could be close to God and therefore my husband. In this place it became clear to me that it would not be long now; that soon I would have my heart's desire.

Ness and Ana could sense that I was having a moment and they quietly got up from their seats and began to look at the formation of the church and the signs of religion and worship scattered around the interior of this special place. My thoughts were far away when I sensed that I was no longer alone and I looked up into the kind and serene eyes of the priest.

"Bienvenue a notre eglise" He spoke in a voice that told me he was a caring man.

_Welcome to our church._

"Merci père" I answered with respect and he sat beside me with a thoughtful posture.

"Vous semblez madame réfléchie. Qu'est-ce qui vous amène ici"

I struggled to interpret his words but understood that he wondered at my thoughtfulness and what had brought me here.

"I am sorry father. My French is somewhat lacking these days. It has been a long time I am afraid."

He smiled at me and his eyes lit up. "You seem to have done quite well but I too speak English. I am wondering if all is well with you?"

I explained that I was visiting from the United States with my daughter and my grand daughter and that we had come to see the church as I had been married here. We spoke in hushed voices and when he asked me about my memories of his church, he listened silently and appreciated my observations of how the area and the church itself had changed over the years. He asked after my husband and with sorrow I had to reveal that he was no longer with us. His placed his hand gently over my clenched hands in unspoken sympathy and I felt the tears threaten as I thought of how much I wished my words were not true.

"He passed three weeks ago," I explained. "It was quick; he had a heart attack and although his absence hurts me I know that the length of life we were both given was a blessing and that I should be happy that he has moved on after such a long and fulfilling life. God granting us sixty long years together seems like a wonderful reward but I just can't fathom not seeing him anymore. My life is full with my children and my grandchildren and even two great grandchildren but without him I feel…..empty."

"That is understandable. It seems that the love between you was something special and that is hard to let go of. But rest assured that God's will always has a purpose and no doubt you will see what that is in time. When the time comes you shall be together and eternity will be reachable for you."

"That is what I crave," I admitted in a low voice and he nodded at me with his wise eyes and comforting smile.

"And when god is ready, that will be what you will receive. Be strong Isabella. God is looking over you and knows your deepest needs and wants." With those words he gave me his goodbye and continued down the aisle until he disappeared behind a door that led further into the bowels of the church.

I watched him and thought over his words of wisdom. I had not lied when I told the priest that our lives together had been fulfilling and rewarding but there had been moments of absolute despair and if it hadn't been for my strong love for Edward and then my children and family I probably would not have got through them. Life is such a precious gift but there is not a single soul in the world who could honestly say that it was not without its troubles along the way.

"_She can not last much longer Bella. We need to say our goodbyes." Edward was holding onto my sobbing body and attempting_ to _give me his strength to get through this. His shirt was wet with my tears and mucus that I could not keep from seeping from my eyes and nose. It was too soon for this to be happening. She did not deserve to go in such a way._

"_I….I…c…c…can't. This was not the way….the way it was….was…..meant to go. P..P…l…..ea….s.e don't make me do it Edward. She can't…she just can't….leave me….leave any of…us."_

_Edward's gentle hands framed my bloated face and he looked at me with sorrow but conviction in his own face. We had all lived through the past few traumatic months and all of us had been damaged in some way from it. He was hurting as much as I was but he was holding it in to be there for me; he was always there for me._

"_Sweetheart. You have to pull yourself together. None of us want to accept this but we have to….Rose needs us to….Emmett needs us too and those four kids need us as well. Rosalie deserves us to be strong for her because she has been strong for us, all of this time. She needs to know that we will be there for Emmett and her kids after she is gone. Bella, I know it is hard but your sister needs you right now and she wants a proper farewell. Babe, we can do this for her; all of us can do this for her."_

_With a whole lot of ill feeling I straightened my back and forced myself to wipe the tears from my face. Edward was right and as much as it pained me to say goodbye to my sister, it was something I could not avoid. Cancer had reared its ugly head and had condemned Rosalie to a much shorter life than she deserved. She was a thirty nine year old mother with four beautiful children and she was lying calmly in her bed waiting for the inevitable to occur. The best any of us could do for her now was make her see that we would all be there for one another; that we would take care of her husband and that her children would always remember what a wonderful and loving mother they had._

_Edward and I walked back into the room to find Emmett holding Rosalie in the circle of his arms and her weak body leaning back against him. She was struggling to speak but Emmett's large hands gently stroking her hair and whispering words of endearment in her ear seemed to be having a soothing effect on her. With our arrival her eyes lit up slightly and she motioned for us to come closer. I gripped Edward's hand as hard as possible but he didn't even flinch to show it must have hurt. Alice came in after us with Jasper by her side and as soon as were all by her bed Rosalie grabbed Alice and my hands feebly and tried to smile. Within minutes Jacob was also standing with us and Rosalie spoke sporadically so that we had to really concentrate to understand her words._

"_You've been…the best…the best fam…ily….a person …could want. Make….sure…..my…kids know….. what ….it is…..to be a close…family. Teach….them what…their momma would have…that nothing can…beat loving one another; ….that life …is a gift not to be….wasted. I …..l..love every…single one of you."_

_Speaking seemed to have taken so much energy out of her and she slumped back against a stoic Emmett who could not hide the panic and fear in his eyes as he watched us agree with her demands. That was not the face he showed her though. When he looked at her all he displayed was his deep seated love for her and a calm exterior so that she would not be worried for him. After a few minutes we started to leave the room so that my parents could have a moment with their first born daughter but as I rose to leave Rosalie pulled Alice and I closer so that she could whisper almost inaudibly to us._

"_Help Emmett…don't let him….forget that he is my babies' father first…and a grieving husband second…please help him."_

_An hour later my beautiful, strong willed sister was gone, having spent her last moments with the love of her life and ensuring the welfare of her four children, Dale, Lillian, Joseph and Katie. We grieved, we wept, we swore at fate but ultimately we came together to make sure all of Rosalie's wishes were met. Emmett was an amazing father who was both father and mother to those children and they were spoilt rotten by their aunts, uncles and grandparents who made sure Rosalie's memory would always live on in their hearts. Not a day went by without Rosalie coming up in some way during our actions or conversations. She was sorely missed and very much loved._

My emotions had got the better of me as I thought of Rosalie's departure from this world and tears were trickling down my cheeks yet again. As an eighty five year old woman death was no longer a stranger to me but it was still hard to take in the pain and grief that losing a loved one brought about. I had had to endure the death of my parents, the passing of Esme and Carlisle and regretfully the untimely accident that took away Alice and Jasper when they were flying home and a terrorist attack had brought down their plane. Alice and Jasper had lived until their late sixties but it was still too soon for their vibrancy to be quashed and for their two children to have to endure being parentless in one cruel stroke of luck. Jake had left us as a hero when a few years ago he had attempted to save a child from drowning but had not been able to save himself when the waves had battered his aging body. Thankfully the child had survived and his selflessness had not been in complete vain. Each and every loss was like a blade piercing my heart but nothing compared to the loss of my Edward; my soul mate and the one person I believed I could not take as being apart from me.

"_Bella. I want to go back to Paris." Edward suddenly said as he looked up from the electronic newspaper he was holding in his hand. My face must have reflected my shock because he let out a low chuckle and smiled cheekily at me. "What? Are we too old to be traipsing across the ocean for one last fling. Think of it as our second honeymoon."_

"_Or our tenth. I think we've been on so many so called honeymoons that I've lost count."_

"_And every one of them was perfect love so why not one more?"_

"_Paris, really?"_

"_It's a special place to me Bella and I want to see it one last time before….well you know. I want to remember where we started properly; I want to see the places where we experienced so many of our firsts." He wiggled his eyebrows at me and I blushed as I would have as a young foolish girl. He laughed loudly at that "And I love that I still have the capability of bringing the rose to your cheeks my sweet but seriously I think we should book a trip and have some time to ourselves to just walk down memory lane and think about how good our life has been to us."_

_It didn't take much convincing until I agreed with it. Edward and I lived for making each other happy and if this was something he wanted to do then I was all for it. We might have been in our eighties but we had always lived life to the fullest and made sure that we were fit enough to keep up with our children and grandchildren. This trip would be like a walk in the park for us; maybe a slow one but the excitement was already getting to me as we booked our trip and I could not wait to experience Paris once more with Edward by my side._

_Unfortunately fate had intervened and Edward was lost to me in a blink of an eye. One moment he was teasing me about my grandmotherly tendencies in spoiling our grandchildren and the next he was clutching at his chest and collapsing on the floor beside me. The pain I could see in his eyes as he looked at me one last time was overshadowed by the understanding that this was it for him and he quietly moaned out his last words of love for me. He died in my arms before the ambulance could make it to our house and with him my whole zest for life disappeared. I was tired. I was lost and I felt that my endurance of all things thrown at me in this life was enough to reward me with some peace._

"It's hard to make those around you understand that though." I mumbled into the silence of the church. "All except Emmett of course. He understood more than anyone."

_The funeral had been a special celebration for a man who was loved by many and who would always be remembered by his children, nieces and nephews and grand children. Out of the older generation it was only Emmett and I left and it seemed somewhat fitting that Emmett was there to say goodbye to his very best friend in the world. Our two son, Lucas and Anthony spoke of their love and respect for a father who had shown them what it was to live and to love; the person who showed them how to treat the people closest to them and how to appreciate what we had in this world. It was heartfelt and only fortified the love I had for my children that they could recognize the great work my husband had done in bringing them up as remarkable human beings. Our grandchildren surprised me with a beautiful rendition of Amazing Grace and I couldn't help but smile at how much Edward would have loved them all coming together to do such a thing for him; music had, after all, been very important to him throughout his life._

_Ness hosted the wake and I was happy to allow her the job of entertaining when I knew it served as a distraction for her in accepting that she had lost the father she idolized. Emmett and I sat companionably as we received the condolences of friends and acquaintances. When people were beginning to leave and my children and grandchildren had ensured there was nothing more they could do for me Emmett turned to me with the air of seriousness that was not usually found on him._

"_What now?"_

"_Paris." I answered and he nodded as if he already knew that. It seemed natural that I would still carry through on the trip that Edward had told me he wanted us to take._

"_And you're not coming back, are you?" Emmett knew me to well. He understood that my need to be with my husband far outweighed anything right now._

"_I don't think so Em. I'm tired …..my body aches, my heart aches, my mind wants some peace and I truly believe that everything I can do for my family has been done. They are all happy. They have each other. If I have any kind of choice about it I would prefer to go peacefully in a place that was special to both Edward and I."_

_Emmett sighed wistfully. "I wish I'd had that choice too Bella. I miss her so much." Emmett had never remarried or even really become serious about anyone after Rosalie had passed on. He told me once that noone could compare to her so why would he even try it. He had his kids and they were his world now, until he could be with Rose again. Some people had tried to force the issue with him but I had fully understood. If it had been Edward in Rose's place all those years ago then I would have done the same thing as Emmett._

"_You've made her proud Emmett. She wanted you to look after your children and you've done an amazing job with that." We both tipped our heads to listen to the quiet voices of all our children who were currently working together to help Nessie straighten up her house again. We smiled at their closeness and their ability to always be there for one another in times of happiness or sadness. It warmed my heart to know that when it would eventually come time for them to grieve me as well that they would not be alone; they would stay strong for one another and commit another family member to their memories._

"_We all did well with our families Bella. How could we not when we each had one another. You know you can leave rest assured that we've done everything possible to help our family along their own destinies. They will miss you but they will accept it. Geez Bells; I will miss you to."_

"_So you don't think I'm being selfish? I'm giving up in a way just because I can't deal with being away from him."_

"_Bella. You are eighty five years old; you've lived a life based around everyone else's needs and wants. You've been an exceptional mother, grandmother and friend. I think it is time for selfishness to win out for once in your life. It's not like you could live forever; none of us have that ability. I fully understand your need to just find the peace. I look forward to it myself." He gave me the biggest hug he could muster and we held each other for quite a while. "Tell my Rosie that it won't be long before I follow too Bella. Tell her that I can't wait to hold her again."_

Of course Ness, Anthony and Lucas had not been as understanding as Emmett had when I explained to them my plans. We argued, they accused, they begged and I stood firm but when it came down to it, it was their love for me and their knowledge of how much their father meant to me and how the thought of existing for more long years without him was terrifying that they came to an unlikely acceptance of my choice. It was decided that Ness would come with me and Ana told us that she would also come as a support for her mother at the end of it all. My heart was heavy with what I was asking my children to endure so soon after the loss of their father but it wasn't enough to turn me away from the path I had chosen.

I left the United States and my family, knowing that I would not return. I gave each and every one of them a proper farewell and let them know what I hoped for their future. It had been a hard thing to do willingly but my heart and soul told me that I was ready for the next stage of my existence.

That was what had brought me here sitting in the church I was married in and walking down memory lane in the hopes it would provide the tranquility that left me when Edward had died.

Ness' soft voice spoke next to my ear and I turned my head to vaguely look at her. "I think mum that it might be time to get you back to the hotel. You must be exhausted after all of the travel and the moving around we've done today."

I simply nodded and allowed myself to be guided from the church and into a cab for the trip back. Scenery went past in a blur of images as I began to retreat into myself. Everything was so different now to when Edward and I had originally been here as a loving couple, who had their whole lives ahead of them. The voices of Ana and Ness invaded my consciousness but only as a vague understanding that they were there but kind of far away. I began to understand that I was already beginning to shut down but there was one last thing I had to do before the time came for me to leave altogether.

Once we were all safely sojourned back in our hotel suite I convinced the girls to let me rest and go off on their own exploration of the city without me. They had eventually reluctantly agreed and soon I found myself alone and able to finalise my plans to give Edward one last thing. I foraged through my handbag until I found the small urn that was so precious to me. Soon I was leaving the hotel and slowly making my way across the busy streets until I was beside the main river of Paris. For several minutes I just stood and let all the memories bombard me until all I held in my heart was lightness.

_Our years in Paris….the most amazing wedding ever…my babies being born…..my children playing in the park with their cousins…Edward being promoted and then becoming owner of his own business….the birth of nephews and nieces to love and to cherish…..teenagers graduating from highschool….first loves….broken hearts to help mend…college graduating ceremonies….weddings…the introduction of our grandchildren…travelling….playing…..and constant loving….and there through every single memory I held was my constant, my reason for laughter, my rock through thick and thin, the one person who I could always rely on to hold me and love me…my Edward._

I gently undid the lid of the urn and held it out so that the contents could scatter across the waters of the Seine. It was surreal to think that this was a small part of Edward that I had brought with me and I watched as the ash disappeared quickly whilst I thought of how such a strong and vibrant man could be reduced to next to nothing in earthly terms. I knew differently for his soul though and it was that thought that made me speak to the man who meant so much to me.

"I did it, my love. I gave us one last walk down memory lane together. You're part of Paris now, the same way Paris was always part of us. Our life together was perfect Edward. I couldn't have asked for a better man to spend it with. I love you….always."

With quiet determination I made my way back to my hotel room, past the polite greetings of the hotel workers, up the elevator and into the ornate bedroom that had been my home for only one night. I took one last look through the beautiful pictures of all my children and family and then laid my weary body on the bed and sighed a breath of relief. The tension that had been radiating through me ever since Edward had died was now seeping away from me and my body relaxed back into the softness of the mattress beneath me. A complete sense of harmony and composure could be felt all around me. I would not end my own life; that had never been a consideration but here in Paris where my life had truly begun I was more than willing to allow my life to end. I knew without a doubt that when I closed my eyes that it would be for the last time because God was ready for me now and he was willing to give me the greatest gift of all…..the one thing that brought the smile of tranquility to my face with the mere thought of it….

…Edward for eternity.

**CULLEN – Bella ( nee Swan) Passed away in Paris on Friday May 30 peacefully and without pain. At 85 she remained active and engaged until the end. Beloved wife of the late Edward Cullen. Cherished mother of Ness, Anthony and Lucas. Loving grandmother of Ana, Rose, Carlie, Colin, Aaron, Matthew, Robert, and Alexander. Proud great grandmother of Ellie and Jake. Bella's memory will live on in the hearts of her extended family. ****A gentle, compassionate and generous woman; a tremendous presence in the life of her family and friends who gain strength in the knowledge that she has been reunited with her true love. Funeral service to be held Thursday 5th June at Riverside Chapel, 21 West Broad St, Mt Vernon, NY**


End file.
